Jase

by Fields, M. J.

  When I was a puddle, jello legged and boneless he stopped. He stood and kissed my forehead before disappearing into the bathroom. I couldn’t move. I closed my eyes and tried to come down off the highest cloud in the sky.

  He sat next to me and pulled me up, “Was I too rough on you?”

  “Maybe, but I liked it…a lot,” I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulders.

  “Good because after I make love to you tomorrow, for the first time, I am going to fuck you hard all weekend so that when I leave…” he stopped and reached into his bag and pulled out a tee shirt and put it over my head.

  “When you leave what?” I put my arms through the holes and then pulled my hair out of the back of the shirt.

  “You will not be able to walk or think about anyone else until I see you again,” he kissed me hard on the mouth and I turned and climbed up on his lap and straddled him.

  “I couldn’t if I tried,” I hugged him tightly and he did the same in return.

  Jase ordered dinner and fed me pasta in bed. We cuddled and talked. I asked him a million questions about his family. Anything I asked, he answered. He was an open book and I loved that about him.

  He told me that when his parents met in Italy, Joe had just turned eighteen. She was at a café when his father and some of his Navy buddies stumbled out of a nearby bar. Jonathon Steel saw Josephina Segreti, and with the confidence of a man who had way too much to drink walked up to her, kissed her lips—and then turned to walk away. She yelled after him cursing in Italian and he turned around and smiled at her.

  “I have no idea what you just said but it was almost as beautiful as you are.”

  They married a week later against her family’s wishes. The Segreti family disowned her and she never looked back. Less than a year later Cyrus was born and Jase a year after that. They moved every four years living all over the world until Jase was a Junior in High School.

  “He just knew,” Jase smiled at the ceiling.

  “That’s amazing.”

  He grabbed my hand and knotted it together with his and ran his mouth across my knuckles.

  “Did you love Pam?”

  Jase laughed, “Hell no.”

  “Oh,” I said quietly on his chest.

  “Oh what, Baby?” Jase lifted my chin so that he could look at me.

  “Have you ever loved anyone?”

  “Sure… once,” Jase smiled sadly.

  “What happened?”

  “It ended,” he winked, “Let’s not do this okay?”

  “Ok,” I really wanted to know more, but I wasn’t going to ruin this moment.

  “Carly, nothing would ever make her and I get back together.”

  “Nothing?”

  “No Carly,” he kissed my nose and smiled. “How about your parents?”

  “Dad strayed a lot. Mom finally said screw it. Cameron stayed with Dad, I moved with Mom.”

  “Cameron?”

  “My older brother. I miss him like crazy, most of the time,” I laid my head back on his chest and rubbed my cheek against his warm skin.

  “Tired Baby?”

  “Exhausted,” I giggled. “You must be too.”

  “I am, but I don’t want to fall asleep,” he was quiet for a moment and then chuckled.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You’re rubbing off on me, literally and figuratively,” Jase rubbed my ass.

  “Care to explain?”

  “Sure, when my face and fingers are…” I smacked him and he laughed, “I don’t want to fall asleep, that was a thought, not meant to be shared. And I’m so tired, I’m actually telling you that again. Ugghhh.”

  I rubbed his stomach and he chuckled and held my hand still, “Sleep is not going to happen if that continues. Go to sleep, and tomorrow I’m going to start on that never forgetting me thing.”

  “Continue,” I yawned.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Continue, not start,” I kissed his chest, “Goodnight Jase.”

  “Falling asleep, still falling for you,” he kissed the top of my head.

  ~

  I woke in the morning covered up all snuggly. I smiled as I sat up and stretched.

  I looked across the room and Jase was sitting fully dressed in a chair.

  “Good morning Jase, whatcha doing all the way over there?” I patted the bed, “Get over here,” and then I flashed him.

  He looked up and sat back, “Carly, something happened and I need to leave in a few minutes.”

  I stood up and wrapped the blanket around me and shuffled towards him, “What happ…” and I fell.

  “Jesus Christ Carly-- would you be more careful?” He caught me and stood me back up.

  “I am sorry I just, Jase what’s going on?”

  “My ex’s father died, I need to go,” Jase stood and grabbed his bag and turned towards the door.

  I grabbed his arm, “Are you okay?”

  “No Carly I’m not okay. Listen, we can’t do this anymore, okay?”

  I felt my heart begin to race, “Hold on Jase-- I really don’t understand, could you just talk to me for a few…”

  “I have to go. This should have ended in Jersey. It was a summer fling, really--not even a fling,” he looked at me.

  I felt tears welling in my eyes and I swallowed hard, “That’s not what it is Jase.”

  “Look I don’t want to end this badly. I didn’t expect to have to leave Carly, and I…”

  “Jase just call me when you are not so stressed out okay? I’m sorry this happened.”

  “Look things have just changed, my entire life has just changed. Just leave it alone, and be happy you still have your virginity,” Jase could not even look in my eyes. I swallowed hard and went to turn away, “Wait!”

  I could not look at him, I could not or I would cry, “What is it, Jase?”

  “I’m sorry. I really am.”

  “Okay, no big deal. I’m going to pack. Do you need a ride to the airport?”

  “No I called a cab. You can stay here, the room is paid…”

  I walked away. Stay here? Yeah that’s what I wanted to do.

  “Damn it look at me,” Jase grabbed my arm and tried to turn me around.

  “Don’t,” I pulled my arm away, “Just don’t.”

  His phone chimed and he grabbed it from his pocket, “My cab is here.”

  “Have a nice flight, Jase,” I grabbed my bag and walked into the bathroom

  As I was throwing my clothes in my bag I felt him grab my arm and pull me towards him. I closed my eyes and he hugged me tightly, “I didn’t expect this okay? I’m sorry.” I kept my head down. I didn’t want him to see me, and I didn’t want to see him.

  “It’s okay, just go.”

  “Carly,” he lifted my chin and kissed me softly, “I truly am sorry.”

  “I said it was okay,” my voice snagged on the jagged pieces in my throat that had risen from the empty space my heart use to fill.

  “If we just had more time I’d explain why this will never work.”

  I cleared my throat and it burned, “What do you want from me?”

  “To not be hurt, to know I did not hurt you. I…”

  I stepped back and forced a smile, “You got it, I’ll be…I am fine. Go you’ll miss your flight.”

  He cupped my chin and kissed me again. I could not hold back the tears anymore, “Damn it don’t do that.”

  “Leave! Just leave!” He looked surprised which pissed me off, “What am I supposed to be happy? This is fucked up. I really just wish you hadn’t come at all. There you have it. Is that what you are waiting for me to be pissed Jase? Do you want me to hit you like she did? I am not her! Just go!”

  His eyes widened, “I never said you were…”

  “No but that’s what you want. You are right-- we are nothing alike. It would never work. Thanks for the orgasms and you’re welcome for the FUCKING BLOW JOB!”

  I grabbed my stuff and threw on a pair of shorts and started
walking to the door.

  “Carly, you aren’t even dressed,” he scowled slightly.

  “Close enough. Goodbye Jase.”

  I slammed the door and all but ran to the elevator, hoping I wouldn’t have to share one with him. I rode down, thankful that I was alone.

  I put my coat on and pulled the hood over my head.

  I walked quickly from the elevator to the parking garage.

  And I sat in my car and cried.

  4

  Thankfully Mom wasn’t home when I got to the house. I parked the car and walked in. I looked at the clock for the first time: it was only seven in the morning. Mom was at the gym as she always was on Friday mornings before her first class.

  I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror… it was still me. Still me, without Jase. Seriously get a grip, what did you think? You will not be a weak needy girl—you’ll be strong! You will be fine! Jase will be fine. He didn’t look like he would be fine, or was that just what I wanted to see? I should call him, just to see if he was sure that …

  “Get a grip girl!” I said to myself in the mirror. I looked at my shirt, Forever Steel. Jase had put it on me last night. You will not be able to walk or think about anyone else until I see you again. Well he was wrong, I could walk-- that’s the first step. I laughed at myself and took the shirt off and threw it in the laundry basket and stepped into the shower.

  The shower is a great place to think. I cleaned away all the remnants of his hands and his mouth. That was easy, now to get rid of the pictures in my mind. I stepped out of the shower and dried off. On a normal day, a day that my heart did not hurt, and that I felt happy and desired I would be going to meet Mom and Mimi for breakfast before my first class. Today was not a normal day. Instead of waking up to Good Morning Baby, I woke up to goodbye. I truly wanted to know that he was alright. And my heart went out to Pam and her family. I’m not a cold person, it was sad. I would not allow myself to be pissed at Pam for needing Jase, or Jase for needing to be there for her. That’s catty and cruel, and I may be many things but I wouldn’t be that. I also was not going to be a crying mess-- that was not going to happen. My Momma raised me better. So even though it’s not a normal day… it could be worse.

  Carpe Diem was going to be my motto. Odd how my new light came from Pam’s loss of her father and my loss of Jase, but oh well. At least it came. I scrolled through my tunes wanting to add a mantra to go along with my new motto. I went to iTunes and downloaded some Kelly Clarkson, and then some Pink. I made a playlist to my iTunes. I sat on my bed and Googled Carpe Diem and then clicked on the Good Reads link. A wealth of information at my fingertips.

  I listened to the music as I dressed. I looked at the clock and realized I could still make it to breakfast and I decided to do just that. I could kill two birds with one stone. I could tell Mom and Mimi what happened and Mom would be there to keep Mimi in check. Then I would go to class, and act as if none of this had happened. I would definitely be strong.

  ~

  I walked into my Mom’s office and she and Mimi both leaned to look past me. I smiled, “He is not here.”

  “Oh, well what a pleasant surprise,” my Mom stood and hugged me. “How long do we have you before you return to Jase?”

  “Well, he left this morning.”

  “Why what happened, are you okay Carly?” My Mom looked me all over.

  “What the hell did he do to you?” Mimi jumped from her chair,

  “He got a call and had to go back, no big deal.” I smiled and walked to the book shelf.

  The room was quiet I stood and looked through Mom’s bookshelf, there was always something new, and I needed something new.

  “Carly, come on… sit down.”

  “Mom, it really isn’t a big deal. His ex-girlfriend’s father died, so he had to go back.”

  “So then things are still okay?” My mother took my hand and sat me on the couch next to her.

  “Yeah,” I looked up at her and she looked so uneasy. I could not lie to her, “No, but I will be alright Mom.”

  “So he fucked you and left?”

  “No Mimi, we didn’t…”

  “So the asshole came all the way here, met us, didn’t fuck you, and what? Decided …”

  “I don’t think he planned it Mimi,” my mother shot her a look.

  “It’s over, but I’m okay,” I hoped the conversation would stop.

  “So is he back together with her, did you tell him if he left it was over?”

  “Mimi, he said it wouldn’t work out. He had a flight to catch. He was sorry,” I looked at my mom.

  “She’s fine Mimi, she’ll be just fine,” Mom hugged me.

  “I’m going to head to class,” I smiled and kissed my mom quickly on the cheek, hugged Mimi and left.

  ~

  I sat in Bio lab and Brad walked in and sat beside me.

  “You have a good time with your boyfriend?” he plopped his book on the black granite lab table.

  “Yes, thank you,” I smiled to be polite.

  “Cool. Weird you have never mentioned a boyfriend before.”

  “Well, to be honest… we really don’t discuss our personal lives now do we?” I know it sounded bitchy, I really had not meant it to, so I smiled and looked up.

  “Actually Carly, we have. Your Mother teaches here, your brother lives in Jersey with your father, whose girlfriend you hate. You are still not sure if you want to go into medical research or literature. You have no pets, the only hobby you have is going to the gym with your mom. You hang out with your mother, her friend Professor Enwomb, and no one else. You’re witty and incredibly smart.”

  I looked at him showing no emotion. I would probably cry if I did, and quickly looked away. I looked up as the PA walked in to give us instructions. As soon as he was done I grabbed my things and walked quickly out the door, out of the building, across the yard, and to my car. I drove home fighting tears the whole way. I would not be weak. I would not cry. I would not wonder why he would go to her and leave me, or if the things he said were what he really meant. I would not…after tomorrow. Today I would crawl in bed and cry. Confused and missing Jase. I would cry into my pillow not to any girlfriend because as Brad had pointed out, I had none.

  I was in bed when the doorbell rang. I threw on a pair of old sweat pants and threw my hair up into a very sloppy bun. I walked out and opened the door.

  “Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Brad stood in the door with a brown paper bag in one hand and my phone in the other. Not really my phone, it was the one Jase had sent me, so that we could talk and text on the same plan. He didn’t want my mother to carry the financial burden of an obnoxious phone bill because he felt the need to contact me throughout the day, just can’t stay away from you Carly, this is the next best thing.

  “Can I come in?” Brad smiled and I stepped to the side allowing him in. “Your boyfriend called and I answered thinking that you had realized you had left your phone. He was NOT happy.”

  “What did he say?” I know that came out a little too desperate, but hey-- I kind of was.

  “Well he asked who the fuck was answering the phone?” Brad used a thick Jersey accent trying to be funny so I laughed to be polite, “Here, maybe you should call him back.”

  I grabbed the phone, “Thanks,” and ran into the bathroom.

  He answered on the first ring.

  “Hi, Jase.”

  “You wanna tell me why that fuck had my God Damn phone!”

  “I left it in class, I didn’t…”

  “You left it in class? Do you think I am going to buy that shit Carly?” Jase was over the top pissed, “Like you went to fucking class! So easily replaced, huh?”

  “Jase, I went to class,” I felt my face getting red and tried to breathe.

  “You have probably been making that boy wanna fuck you for months now. Playing all innocent and stupid.”

  I couldn’t breathe, I could not believe he was talking to me like he was. “Jase,
I’m sorry,” I had to stop talking because I couldn’t breathe. I quickly went into the kitchen and grabbed my bag and grabbed my inhaler and took a big puff.

  “I’m sure you’re sorry Carly,” Jase snapped.

  Brad watched as I took another puff, “Are you okay, Carly?”

  “Is he with you now?” Jase screamed in the phone.

  I exhaled loudly, “Yes-- he came to bring me the phone, which was very nice…”

  “Yes just great. Brads a great guy isn’t he?” Jase snapped.

  I heard a flight being called.

  “Are you at the airport Jase? Are you coming back?” I know I sounded needy and excited all at the same time.

  “Now why would I do that when you have already replaced me, Carly?”

  “Jase are you drunk?” He did not answer for a minute.

  “Well let’s see, I have had the most fucked up day in years, two to be exact, and I have had a few drinks yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

  “No I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day. Talk to me Jase, tell me what I can do to help you,” I almost begged him.

  “Did you love me Carly?”

  I had no idea how to answer that. I am sure I did, still do, “I think so, yes.”

  “Well that’s where you are wrong. I would not be replaced so fucking easily,” Jase laughed and I am pretty sure it was at me.

  “Jase, please don’t be rude,” I whispered and started walking into the bathroom.

  “Carly-- you don’t have to put up with that shit,” Brad said from behind me.

  “Tell that fuck, if I ever see him, he will know just what kind of shit I can bring. Have fun with him Carly.”

  “Jase where are you?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  “Well here is the deal: We will never be together. Do you understand?”

  “Is that why you called Jase? To hurt me more?” I couldn’t stop the tears.

  “Sure if that makes it easier,” Jase snapped.

  “For who, you or me Jase?”

  “Goodnight, going to bed landing face first on realities cold hard concrete floor,” Jase hung up the phone.

  I quickly texted him

  -I don’t understand and it hurts like hell…Carly

  He did not reply.