Live by the Sun, Love by the Moon

by J.T Jackson

  “And her hair.

  “Her hair?” He's laughing a little now. I laugh too.

  “It's not funny.”

  “No, I know, but only you would threaten to rip out someone's hair and breast. I'm pretty sure those are two of her favorite body parts.”

  “And the fakest.”

  “What? They're fake?” He laughing slows but doesn't stop.

  “Yeah, Ian! Any one with a pair of eyes can see that.”

  “I didn't. I didn't know. Will I kinda thought the boobs, because they were not that size in high school, but her hair too?”

  “And her eye lashes and her eyes and her teeth and her waist. You know she's had a shitload of plastic surgery.”

  “No.”

  “Yeah, Andre confirmed it.”

  “How could I not know that?”

  “I have no clue. I thought you knew.” Ian seems shocked about his new discovery with his soon to be wife.

  For the rest of the day we actually worked, something we haven't done in a few days. We didn't speak much. Ian looked like he was thinking too hard. So I didn't say anything.

  “Um, Lulu, I'm gonna take off a little early today.”

  “Ok, you got a appointment or something?”

  “Or something.” He said grabbing his coat. Something seemed off. His answers were short. No smile or smirk on his face.

  “Is something wrong?” I asked him.

  “No.”

  “Well kinda seems like it. What's going on?”

  “I've just been thinking about some stuff.”

  “Stuff?”

  “Yeah, stuff.”

  “I'm assuming you're not gonna tell me what that stuff is.”

  “No. Not right now.”

  I feel myself get mad. My body got hot. I just didn't like the vibe he was giving me right now. I look at him confused. Because I was. He walks to me and kisses my head. But not like all the times before. This was different. Something about it didn't feel right. He just doesn't seem right. Ever since Liz stopped by today, he just hasn't been himself.

  So since it seemed like he didn't want to talk. I grabbed my things and left. No bye or anything. I went straight to the hospital after work. I stopped by to see my mom first.

  “Hey baby girl.” Everyday she seemed less and less alive. I'm scared to hold her hand, afraid it would break in mine. She holds her hand out and touches my face. She's so weak, she uses what little energy she has to do it.

  “Hey mama.”

  “What you doing this way?”

  “Well, Toby got shot last night.”

  “Oh no. What happened?”

  “He got into some mess. Paralyzed from the waist down. Anyways, he's gonna come stay with me when he gets out. He needs someone to help him.”

  “You do so much baby girl. Always helping people. I remember when you were a little girl, you would ask me for ice cream money for the truck. You would buy Popsicles for all the kids, but never for yourself. You've always put other people before yourself.”

  “I remember that.”

  “But baby, you got to take care of yourself. Sometimes you need to put you first. Be a little selfish. Cause if you give the world everything, you anit gonna have nothing for yourself.”

  My mom always had the answers to questions I hadn't even asked. Answers to questions I hadn't even thought of. That's how in sync we were. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her. She is my everything. But even now, I'm watching the life slip out of her. Listening to her hard breaths between every word. The way it seems to hurt her to blink.

  “I love you Luna. You know that right?”

  “Of course mama. I love you too.” A tear slipped from her eye.

  “I'm so tired.” She whispers. Her eyes began to fall. I hold on to her hand. The room is quiet. Only thing I hear is the sound of my mothers breathing and the beeping on her heart monitor.

  I watch her body rise and fall back to the beat of the beeps. As one slowed so did the other. One beep for every rise in her chest. Until one long beep. I wipe the tear from her check then kiss it. I just sit there, still holding her hand. Rocking back and forth. I do that for five minutes before tears pour from my eyes. Another piece gone.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  When the doctor comes in, I'm so exhausted from crying, I can't move my body. I just sit there. My mind went blank. I couldn't feel myself blinking, or breathing. I didn't see the people walking in and out of the room. I couldn't even see my mother. I was someplace I have never been before. I didn't know how much time had past.

  When I started coming to, I wasn't even in the room anymore. I was outside of it on a couch. I don't even know how I got there. A doctor was sitting beside me. Talking but I couldn't hear him. Even though I was staring right at him. I could only see his mouth making words, but no sounds. He reaches out and touches my hand. But I can't feel it. My mind, body and soul is numb. My eyes must be too because I've stopped crying. I just sit staring at the ground. I can't feel my body to move my neck anywhere else. The doctor stands up in front of me. Someone is standing with him. They bend down and become leveled my face. It's Ian. When I see his eyes, I slowly start feeling something in my face. It's the tears. Their coming back. They fill my eyes, but nothing comes out. They hurt. Like I've been punch 20 times in them. Ian doesn't say anything. He just looks at me. He raises from the ground and sits next to me. My eyes follow his body. But I still can't speak. He pulls me into him and I bury my face into his chest. He rocks me back and forth. And my eyes get heavy and then I'm asleep.

  I wake up on the couch in my living room. It's black outside. Some of the feeling has returned to my body. But I wish it hadn't. I'm sore all over. Everywhere hurts. Places I didn't even know could hurt. I see Ian come out of my bedroom. And he sees my eyes open. He walks over to me and picks up a glass of water on the table and tries to hand it to me, I don't move.

  “Luna, you need to drink some water. You'll get dehydrated. You haven't eaten anything all day.” I turn my head away from him.

  "I'm asking nicely right now. Please."

  I don't move. Ian sits in the couch right next to me and picks me up and turns my body around.

  "It's been three days and I can't get you to move or eat. You need to eat Luna."

  "Fine!" I scream at him. I see him move back a little. I just look him in the eyes. I'm mad. Mad he made me wake up. Cause now all I feel is pain. The numbness is gone. He stands up and walks to the kitchen. He grabs a plate and walks back to me. On it is a sandwich and potato chips. He puts it on the table. I start eating. I didn't want to at first, but once I took a bite, I realized how hungry I was.

  “I'm just trying to help Lulu.”

  “I didn't ask for it.”

  “Well you need it. You haven't moved in three days. That means, no food, no drink, no shower, for three days.”

  “You know what Ian, I'm sorry if I had a little break down or whatever, but my mother just died. And if I feel like checking out for a few days, then I'm gonna do just that. I don't expect you to understand.”

  “Understand what? You grieving? The fact that you lost your mom? You think you're the first person in the world who's lost a mother?”

  I think I get what he's saying. He sits on the green chair in the corner. He held his head in his hands. And he took a deep breath in. I felt bad. Like I said something that just cut him. But I didn't move to him. I didn't apologize. I didn't speak. I just stared at him. Like I often do.

  He stood up and walked out the door. I don't follow. Instead I get up and undress in the bathroom. I turn on the shower and get in. I let the water rush all over my body, my face and my hair. It's so warm. And I feel so cold. It calms me. Almost back to a numbing state. But I'm conscience. I shut my eyes. Letting my mind wonder. I see my mother. One day when we were living out of our car. I was 10 maybe. I remember I was crying about not being able to get this doll that all the other kids had. She tried to explain to me why.

  "Sometimes
, Luna, we want things that we can't have. And then sometimes when we get it, we realize we didn't really want it after all. You want this doll because everyone else has it, not because you really want it. And then you have to ask your self another question. Do you need it? Because with the situation we're in, we can't just get things based on wants. That's something important to think about for life.”

  I open my eyes and heard a knock on the door. I turn the water off and get out of the shower. I dry off and wrap the towel around me. I open the door and Ian was standing there. Damn near in tears. He steps to me and hugs me. Resting his head on my shoulders. I rub my hand on his head, down his neck. I feel his tears dripping from his eyes to my skin. I get him to walk with me over to the couch. We sit and he lays his head in my lap. I run my fingers threw his hair. Did I do this? Was this because of what I said earlier?

  “I'm sorry.” I whisper into his hair. Kissing his head. He turns his head to look at my face. His eyes are still wet and I see it reflecting off the light. He's looking back at me.

  “I was..sixteen. My parents had just told me that, they were getting a divorce. My mom had been cheating on my dad. I was so mad at her. We were a happy family. I thought. I met the guy one time, and something about him just didn't sit right with me. He didn't talk much. He smelled like cigarettes and beer. I will never forget it. I moved in with my dad, and she went to live with him. He was so different from my father. He was a low life. Two weeks later, my mother was found dead in their apartment. They wrote it off as a suicide. But I know he did it. I felt it every time I looked at that son of a bitch. He killed my mother. He killed her.”

  He buries his face into my chest. I cry too. I feel his pain. I feel it as real as if it was my own. I rock him back and forth. Like he did for me once before. And we just sat like that until we both fell asleep.

  When I woke up, we were both still on the couch. I was laying across Ian's chest with his arms around me. Holding me. I didn't want to move. I guess he didn't either because when I opened my eyes, he was already staring at me. I press my face into him and he pulls me tighter. He pushes me out a little so he can see me.

  “I love you.” Ian whispers to me. I stop breathing. What? I didn't know what to say next. My mouth got dry. And my mind went blank. All I could do was stare up into his big beautiful eyes and hope he wouldn't make me say it. Make me say something we both knew I couldn't even if I wanted to. I thought when I told him at the office how I felt. I thought he was understanding what I was trying to say.

  “Ian, I...” he brings his finger to my lips and stops me from talking.

  “I didn't say it just so you would say it back. I said it because I wanted you to know that's how I feel.”

  “Don't do that to me.”

  “Do what?” he asked sitting up.

  “Tease me.”

  “I'm not teasing you.”

  “Yes you are. You know... You know how I feel. What I want. And you know I can't have it.” He rubs his hand down my face.

  “I want to be with you. Only you. Because you're who I want.”

  “My mom told me once, it doesn't always matter what you want, but want you need.”

  “I need you.” The words grab a hold of my heart pulling at the strings attached to it. Why is he saying all the things I want him to?

  “Sometimes, we want things that we can't have.” I smile at him. I stand up. I'm wearing only a t-shirt.

  “Well something you should know about me is I always get what I want.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  "No, you hang up first?" Ian laughs into the phone.

  "I always go first."

  "Well yeah, ladies first."

  "Oh now you wanna play that card."

  Me and Ian barely talk during work hours. Since I don't work in his office anymore. But then we call each other when we get home and talk for hours. It's kinda confusing.

  We both laugh a little, then it gets quiet.

  "What are we doing Ian?"

  "Trying to hang up the phone?"

  "No, I mean, when I see you, you barely say a sentence to me. But everyday, we're on this phone. Doing this dance."

  "I don't really know what we're doing. But it makes me happy. I love talking to you. I just wanted to make sure I was giving you your space."

  The sweetness in his voice melts my heart. He talks in almost a whisper. It makes me weak.

  "I do too." I say, and right at that moment there's a knock at my door. I already know who it is.

  "I gotta go. See you tomorrow." I say before hanging up. I answer the door. It's Toby in a wheelchair being pushed by a nurse in blue scrubs.

  "Hey." I reach down to hug him.

  "Lu... Thanks again for this."

  "Aw, shut up. No one else was gonna take care of your ass." I smile. He smiles back.

  "Ok Miss Stone. Toby has a list and full bottles of all his medications. Don't let him forget to take certain ones at the correct times. Someone should be here tomorrow to make sure your home has the Correct accommodations for Toby. If you have any questions please call. "

  "Yes. I will. Thank you." I push Toby's chair into a corner of the living room.

  “How you been Lu?” Toby looks up at me and ask.

  “I'm... I'm doing alright. You know living life. How you doing?”

  “Better. A lot better.”

  “Good. Good. Well I'm gonna get you set up here, and then I have to run out for a bit.”

  “Where you going?”

  “None of you business. Now, I'm putting your stuff in my room. I'll sleep on the couch until I can get that futon set up then I'll sleep on that. But you get the bed, and my room has a bathroom too so, you know, It'll be easier.”

  “Got it. Thanks Lu. I don't know how many times I'm gonna say it.”

  “Don't worry about it. You know I got you. Now though, you gonna be on your own for a few hours. I'm going to take a shower and then get dressed. I'm going out."

  "Yeah, ok, I'll just chill around here and you know... Chill."

  "Cool.” I laughed.

  I went in the bathroom to take a shower. I have 20 minutes before I'm suppose to meet Andre at the movies. He called last night and asked if I wanted to hang out. I figured I needed something to keep my mind busy. It's been three weeks since my mother died, and that long since I've been with Ian. I asked him to transfer me to another part of the office just to give me some space. I need some space from him right now. So I started working downstairs. Reviewing filings. It's easy but not the same as working in Ian’s office. I think I'm starting to miss him. But I can't. I can't miss him. Even though we talk on the phone, it's not the same. And I doubt that he's thinking about me. He's busy planning a wedding. August 19. Two months left. It drives me crazy every time I think about it. But I can't help it.

  I get out of the shower and get dressed. I put on a simple black T-shirt and some blue jeans. I pull my hair back and throw on some boots. Don't want to over dress. When I get ready to leave, Toby is sitting in front of the tv with a bag of chips in his hand.

  “Well don't you look fancy." He said to me.

  “Shut up. I'm just going to the movies, with a friend.”

  “What friend?” He ask. Straightening up in his chair.

  “A friend.”

  “What's his name?”

  “Why you assuming it's a guy?”

  “Cause if it was a girl you would have just said it.”

  “Whatever. I'll be home late. I stocked up on food and stuff so just grab whatever, but don't make a mess please.” I grab my keys and go for the door. Toby follows behind me.

  “Lu?” I turn to face him.

  “Yeah.”

  “You look beautiful.” A smile creeps across his face and mine. Toby being all sweet and nice is kinda weird.

  “Thank you.”

  -

  “So do you like scary movies?” Andre asked while we watch though previews.

  “Yeah. I'm into to all the gory,
bloody stuff.”

  “Wow.”

  “What?”

  “You're just so different.”

  “From who?”

  “Every other girl I've ever met. You like cars and bloody movies. You come on a date in a t-shirt and jeans no make up, hair pulled back.”

  A confused looked comes across my face. Even though it's dark, I know he sees it.

  “No, no, it's not a bad thing. It's actually the reason why I think I like you so much.”

  “Oh.” So he likes me now. Interesting. I pause for a moment. The words ring in my head. Like a bell. I start to say something back. About how I just don't feel the same, but the movie starts and everyone got quiet.

  For a hour and forty-five minutes, we watch seven high school students get killed in some woods by some psychopath who apparently can't died even if you chop his head off.. Lots and lots and lots of blood.

  “Did you like it?” Andre asked reaching for my hand. I don't move. I just let him take it.

  “Yeah, it was pretty good.” My stomach starts turning. He's touching me. It feels weird at first. We walk out of the theater and start walking down the street. It feels weird to hold Andre’s hand on the street. Something so simple, so defining. Something me and Ian will never be able to do. We stop at a cross walk and wait for the light to change. Andre turns towards me and grabs my other hand. He looks right in my eyes. The way Ian does. Without even thinking I look back into his. And before I could stop it. He kissed me. I don't move at first but then I gave in. I kiss him back. Soft and gently. It send chills down my spine and flames in my face. But it doesn't feel right. He brings his hands to my face and pulls it back. I slowly open my eyes to find him staring at me. He grabs my hand again. I smile and then he does. Then I hear a voice. A high pitched irritating sketched forever to my brain voice.

  “Andre?” The voice yelps out. It's Liz and following right behind her. Ian.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  My eyes pop open as I watch him walk up to us. I slowly let go of Andre's hand. Trying not to make it seem too obvious. I look at Ian's face, and I know it well enough to know that he saw. He saw me kiss Andre. And he knows that I know he knows.

  “Hey, Beth. Ian. What you guys doing out?”

  “Oh, well we were just looking at some stuff for the wedding. Flowers and things like that. What are you and Lala doing out?” I roll my eyes.I'm pretty sure she calls me the wrong name on purpose now. If not, her memory is worst than Dory from Finding Nemo.