Live by the Sun, Love by the Moon

by J.T Jackson

  “We just saw a movie. Just walking around now. Hey Ian, what's up with you? You look mad. Liz got you buying more shit?”

  Ian puts a fake smile on. He glances over at me then answers Andre.

  “Nah, just tired, you know your sister, dragging me to 20 different stores today.”

  “Two months bro. Almost done.”

  “Yeah, Liz we should get going.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Ok be safe kids. Why are you talking like that?" I hear Liz ask Ian as they walk away.

  That was awkward. Maybe more than it should have been. I watched as they walk away. My pain shoots from my stomach down from my chest. All I could think about was the pain I just saw on Ian's face. Andre starts talking but I can't really hear what he's saying. We cross the street and go to this late-night coffee house. I order a tea and Andre ordered something. When we sit down, I started being focused again.

  “I have a question for you Andre.”

  “Sure.”

  “Why is it that Liz, has pale skin, blue eyes and long blonde hair. And you got darker skin, brown eyes and curly brown hair? I mean you both kinda look alike, but not that much.”

  "You mean, why is she white?"

  "Yeah." We both laugh.

  “Oh, well she's my half sister. My mom was pregnant with her with she met my dad. Her dad disappeared and my dad raised her like his own. Then I came along.”

  “Wow, your dad’s a cool guy. Taking care of someone else's kid like that.”

  “Yeah, well he had always wanted kids, wanted a big family but his wife at the time didn't. So when my mom came along, he thought it was a blessing.”

  “Your dad was married when he started seeing your mom?”

  “Well yeah, but she turned out to be a lesbian. His first wife. She's a family friend now.”

  “Oh, so it worked out for everyone then.”

  “Yep. I always tell her, her being gay was the best thing that could have ever happen, otherwise, my parents would have never met.”

  I kinda space out again. My mind started drifting back to Ian. How he was feeling, what he was doing. I sip on my tea, and Andre got quiet. My mind started to wonder. And Andre saw that too.

  “You ok?” He asked.

  “Yeah, I'm fine. My friend is staying with me. He just got out of the hospital.”

  “Oh, is he ok? What happened?”

  “He was shot. He's fine but he can't walk.”

  “Oh. How long is he gonna be staying with you?”

  “I don't know yet. He doesn't really have anyone else, so I'm gonna help as long as he needs me to.”

  “Oh, ok. That's sweet of you.”

  Andre's attitude seemed to change a little. Like he didn't like what I was saying. But I just brushed it off. It could just be me. Over analyzing. We finished our drinks and he walked me to my car.

  “I had a good time.” He said as I got in my car.

  “Me too. Thank you. I needed to get out.”

  “I'm glad I could help. I'll call you tomorrow?”

  “Yeah.”

  "Ok. Goodnight.”

  “Night.”

  When I got home, Toby had gotten in my bed and went to sleep. I was surprised to see he did it himself. I'm glad that I didn't have to do it. I don't want him to feel like I'm babying him, like he's helpless. I changed into my sweats and a tank top and laid on the couch. I was asleep before I even knew it.

  -

  I woke up to the ringing of my phone. It was 8:30. Saturday morning. Not really the way I like to wake up on Saturdays but. I grab the phone without even looking who it was.

  “Hello.” I answer. My voice as tired as I was.

  “Luna.” Was all the voice answered with. But I knew who it was. Of course. Mister Ian Hanson himself. I sit up a little trying to sound a little more awake.

  “Yeah.”

  “Did I wake you?”

  “Yeah kinda. What's up?”

  “I.. Can I see you?”

  “Ok. Like now?”

  “Um.. In a couple hours is fine about 10.”

  “Ok. Where you want me to meet you?”

  “I can come get you actually. If that's ok.”

  “Yeah. That's fine.”

  “Ok. I'll be by at 10.”

  “K.”

  I hang up the phone and lay back down. I know he's gonna want to talk about last night. I just know it. Honestly, I don't. I don't feel like I should have to explain myself to him. Especially something like that. Not with him getting married and all. I drag myself up off the couch and go to my bedroom. Toby is awake sitting up on the bed.

  “Good morning.” He smiles.

  “Good morning.”

  I go in my closet and pull out some clothes.

  “Going somewhere?”

  “Yeah, a little later. You want some breakfast or something?”

  “I'll make it.” He pulls his chair closer to the bed and turns backwards. Slipping himself into the chair. I watch how graceful he is with it. He catches my eye.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” I answer. Taking the clothes and walking into the bathroom.

  I got changed and pulled my hair down. I threw some water in it and shook it out. I just let my curls hang. I haven't worn my hair down in a while. I think it makes me look twelve . My whole outfit actually. I felt very thirteen. Which is usually how I feel when I'm with Ian anyways.

  Toby was in the living room, eating a bowl of cereal.

  “I thought you were gonna make breakfast.” I snapped at him.

  “This is breakfast.”

  “You're eating fruity pebbles.”

  “Maybe I'm trying to maintain my youth.”

  “Whatever.”

  “You are too. You look like a character from a Nick Jr. show.”

  “I do not.”

  “Yeah, you do.”

  I start to answer back, but walk in my room instead to finish dressing. Then there's a knock on the door.

  “I'll get it.” Toby shouts and before I could stop him, he was rolling his way to the front door. He opens it and I hear his voice greeting someone. He rolls back and Ian steps in.

  “Nice to meet you.” Ian says shaking Toby's hand.

  “You too man. Lu, Ian’s here.”

  “I've hear a lot about you Toby. How you holding up?”

  “That's weird. I haven't heard anything about you Michael.”

  “It's Ian. Actually, Michael is my middle name.

  “Oh, my bad. Lu.” He shouts again.

  “Damn Toby, shut the hell up. I'll be back later.” I grab Ian's arm and we walk out.

  “Nice to meet you.” He said again to Toby before I close the door.

  “Sorry about Toby.” I say as I put my jacket on.

  “Don't worry about it. I'm sure he's going through somethings right now.”

  Ian opens the car door and I get in. When he gets in the car. He just sits there and stares at me. I try not to look back. I look out the window.

  “Luna, please look at me.” He said so sweetly, I have no choice but to look. I turn my head slowly and his hand meets my chin. He turns my face so I'm facing him completely. Then rubs his hand down my jaw line. I close my eyes a little. It's been so long since he's touch me. I pull my hand up to his and hold it.

  “What's going on?” He lets go of my face and starts the car up.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You transferred from the office, you moving guys in, dating other ones.”

  “Why does any of that matter to you?” He looks off of the road and glances at me, then back.

  “You know damn well why it matters. You like him or something?”

  “Who?”

  “You know who. Andre.”

  “What if I do?”

  “Do you or don't you?”

  “What do you think?”

  “Well, from that kiss last night, I would say you like him. A lot.”

  “Ok.”

  “Ok what? You like him?
”

  “Ok. You can think that.”

  “Dammit Luna, just answer the question.”

  “Honestly Ian, I don't have to answer that. You know why? Because you're engaged to be married. To someone else.”

  “Do you want me to say I won't marry her. If that's what I have to do for you to be with me then, fine, I won't marry her.”

  “Shut up. You're just saying that. Because if you really didn't want to marry her and be with me, you would have done it by now.”

  “Don't do that. Don't do that to me Luna.”

  “Do what to you? You're doing it to yourself. I didn't choose to fall in love with you, it happened, but I didn't ask you to love me back either.”

  “You love me?”

  “What?” Crap. What did I just let slip from my mouth?

  “You said you didn't choose to fall in love with me. Meaning you love me. Do you?”

  “Where are we going?” I really didn't want to talk about it and hoped he would just drop it. I didn't even realize what I had said. It's like my mind was speaking for me. Before he answered, we pulled up in a parking lot to a cemetery. He comes to my side of the car and opens the door. He holds his hand out for me to grab. I take it reluctantly. He walks me to the middle of the field, past graves and tombstones. We stop in front of a Mae Hanson.

  “This is my mom. Mom, this is Luna.” I smile.

  “Nice to meet you.” I say. I look over to Ian.

  “She would have liked you. She always told me to find someone like her. And I think I did.” He smiles.

  “Can I talk to her? Alone?”

  “Sure, I gotta make a call anyways.”

  He walks away and I sit on the grass. I look at the tombstone. "Mae Hanson. Live by the sun." It said. Just like Ian's Tattoo

  “Sorry if I'm bad at this. Never done it before. Your son. He's wonderful. More than wonderful. He's.. Well, he makes me realize things I didn't before. I never thought I was worth loving. I didn't know I was capable of it either. He makes me see the best and worst in me. Parts of me I thought were too dark to see. He's like my own little sunshine.”

  I felt a tear slip pass my eye. More soon followed.

  “He over looks the bad I've done. My mistakes, my flaws. My imperfections. And sometimes, I just hate him for it. Because I can't. I can't look past all my own imperfections. So why can he? And I'm not even sure if I love myself, so how can I love him? I know who he is, but not me. He's so... what's the word, so in tune with himself and everyone around him that he knows exactly who he is and exactly who I am. He knows my fears and my dreams and my desires. But he doesn't know what he wants. He says he loves me not her. So why is she the one he's with? Why? I don't... I don't get it. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I can't do it. Play this game of love with him. If I can't have all of him, then I don't want him.”

  I shut my eyes. Focusing on what I just said. I mean it. All of it. As much as it hurts me to say. I mean it. I wipe the tears from my face.

  “Thanks for listening to me. I know how much you mean to him, and wish we could have met, on better circumstances.” I stand and go back to the car. Ian is looking down at his phone when I walk up.

  “How'd it go?” He ask.

  “I think it went well.”

  “Good. Give me five minutes?”

  “Of course.”

  I sat in the car and watched him from a distant, talk to his mother. Almost exactly five minutes. He came back to the car and we left. It was quiet most of the ride back. I didn't know what to say. And I guess he didn't either. We would just occasionally glance at each other. When we park in front my apartments, Ian decides to say something.

  “I've never taking anyone to see my mother. You're the first person I've ever brought to meet her.”

  “Not even your bride-to-be?”

  “Luna. The whole Liz situation. I told you I don't love her.”

  “Then why marry her?”

  “It's complicated.”

  “Then make it uncomplicated.”

  He doesn't say anything. He just looks at me. Like he's lost. I wait. And wait, but he doesn't say anything. I get out out the car and he follows behind.

  “Liz wait.” I stop. I feel my chest drop. And for a moment the world stops turning. I know he knows it too. Because he doesn't say anything else. I turn to face him and walk back to him.

  “Luna, I am so sor...”

  “No, you're not sorry. Because if you were sorry, you would have fixed this a long time ago. But you didn't. You let this go on for too long, I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe when I saw you weren't stopping it, I should have. We've been going back and forth on this. Acting like we could ever really be together. Pretending that you were really going to leave her. I mean a girl can only take so much waiting Ian. I can only be here for you for so long. We've been doing this run around for months. If I don't stop it now, It could go on for years. I should have stopped it, the moment I knew you were going to marry her, but better late then never. Goodbye Ian.”

  “Not goodbye. See you later?” He whispers almost in a cry.

  “No, goodbye.”

  I turn and walk into the house. I leaned against the door and I break down and cry. I cry like I've never cried before. I cried from a place I don't think I've ever cried before. Someplace inside of me that I didn't know before. A place that Ian opened and he was the only one with a key to get in. It wasn't to my heart. But something much deeper, something much more fragile. It was my soul. Another piece of me gone.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Monday morning, I went to the office and told them I would have to finish the internship a week early. I just couldn't risk seeing Ian. They said they would give me credit for the time I was there and when they asked why I had to quit, I told them I had to take care of my handicap friend. I felt kinda bad about dragging Toby into it, but it was true. I did need to take care of him, it just wasn't the reason why I quit. I already quit my dancing job. The state was paying me to help Toby and with my coffee house job, and no hospital bills, I was making enough. It was nice to have Toby around the last few weeks. I've been a mess. I didn't have to do it alone. It finally seemed like I was getting my old friend back. We watched corny movies and played video games. Like old times.

  Me and Toby were sitting on the couch watching a old martial arts movie. I was laying my head on his shoulder all cuddled up. I was tired.

  “You sleepy?” he asked me.

  “A little, but I want to finish the movie.” I slap my hand on his thigh and he looks at me.

  “What?”

  “Well, you know since I got shot, I.. I haven't been with anyone. Came out of the hospital straight here. And while I was there, you know, I asked the doctor a lot of questions about... You know.”

  He looks down. And I know exactly what he's getting at.”

  “No, no Toby.”

  “No, not that. But like a little dance or something?”

  “You want me to give you.. A lap dance?”

  “I just wanna see how he reacts.”

  “He who?”

  “T.J. Toby jr.”

  “Oh gosh, you named the damn thing. That's just gross!”

  “Please. I'm asking as a friend. Strictly as a friend.”

  “Can't you just... Pet it or whatever?”

  “I've tried. It's not enough. Please. I just want to know that I'm still a man.”

  “Having a penis isn't enough?”

  “Lu?”

  “No, no. Go to bed.”

  “But this is the only way, I would know.”

  “Well I guess you'll never know then. Call your doctor tomorrow and ask him. Now get off my bed.”

  He gets in his chair and rolls to the room.

  -

  “Where are your parents?” I sit on a chair in Andre's room.

  “They're out of town for the weekend.”

  “Oh, ok.”

  “You want anything to drink, to eat o
r something.”

  “Yeah, I'll take some water.

  “We got that lemonade flavor water stuff, you want that?

  “Sure.”

  Andre goes out the room to get the drinks. I look around his room. It's so plain. Nothing on the walls or tables. Just a huge tv, a iMac and one desk. I thought his room would be a little more something. My thought is interrupted by my cell phone ringing. It's Ian. I almost don't answer it. It's been two weeks since I told him goodbye. Why is he calling now? I guess I won't know until I ask.

  “Hello.”

  “Luna. Hi how are you?” He says sweetly.

  “I'm fine. How are you?”

  “.. Busy. I've been better. Um, what are you doing?”

  “Ian, the small talk...”

  “No, no, it's not like that.”

  “I'm, hanging with Andre at his house.”

  “Oh. Well I don't want to keep you. It was nice hearing your voice.”

  “You too.Ian.”

  “Ok. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  I hang up and Andre walks in with the drinks. He hands me mine.

  “Thank you.” I take a sip and sit the drink on the table.

  “It's good right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I like hanging out with you Lulu.”

  “Me too. It's nice to just chill with a friend sometimes.” I see his face drop a little. I know he feels a little more for me than I do for him. I pick up my glass again and drink. I start feeling a little warm. I don't want to have to hurt his feelings, but I just can't lie and say I feel something for him that I don't.

  “Yeah, I wanted to talk about that. We've been hanging out for a little while now, and you know I like you. Why are you sitting in the corner, come closer, I'm not gonna bite.”

  I move from the chair and sit on the edge of the bed next to him.

  “Ok, I like you, you're funny and pretty and just cool to be around. I guess what I'm asking is, do I have a shot?” I pause. Still drinking from my glass. It gives me a chance to think of something to say.

  “Andre, I like hanging out with you, but I like hanging with you as my friend. I don't think I can give you more than that right now.”

  I say calmly to him. Then out of no where I feel my eyes trying to shut. My whole body feels tired. I blink my eyes a couple of times, trying to shake myself out of it.

  “You ok Lulu?” He ask touching my shoulder.

  “I just feel...drowsy.” And then Andre kisses me. I push him back, but then he comes at me again.

  “Andre stop. Something's not right.” He doesn't move. Like he doesn't hear me. I keep pushing, but with every push I feel weaker.

  “Stop.” I say again, then I shout it. He doesn't stop. He tries to push me back and I hit him in his face. He sits up, and then looks at me. I see something in his eyes I've never seen before. He stops for a beat and then throws me back. Pinning both of my arms down with one of his hands. I start kicking and trying to move. He runs his free hand down my side and over my jeans button. No. No was all I could think. I realize what he's doing and I was trying to fight back hard. But my body won't. Tears start pouring down and I still try to escape his hold. I'm too weak. He unzips my pants and pull them over my thighs.