In His Thoughts

by Peggy L Henderson

  He’d wondered at her strange reaction whenever he’d mentioned Yellowstone and his accident. Now it was clear why. She was probably too afraid to tell him, for reasons he was going to get from her, but he had to be gentle in the way he asked. She clearly wasn’t completely ready to trust him fully.

  Was it possible that her uncle and cousin were the poachers he’d been seeking? It explained a lot about their behavior, too, when he’d been in their company. Peddlers were usually much friendlier than those two. They’d obviously recognized him. Clara’s uncle had probably even threatened her if she told.

  The doorbell chimed behind him, and the loud voices of two women drifted in. They laughed and giggled, then went abruptly quiet.

  “Lieutenant Ferguson.”

  Ben turned to see Frances Halverston and her friend enter the store. They both stared at him. Frances’ look could even be described as a glare.

  He nodded. “Ladies.”

  “I’m surprised that Clara Youngblood isn’t hanging from your arm, Lieutenant.” Frances spoke with an icy tone. From what I’ve heard, the two of you have become inseparable.”

  Ben grinned. “I wouldn’t say we’ve become inseparable, but if you’re implying that she and I are courting, then you’re correct.”

  Frances’ cheeks took on a scarlet hue. Her cheeks puffed up and her lips puckered. It looked like she was about to explode. She stood there, her body becoming stiffer by the second. Abruptly, she lifted her head and turned her nose up, then strode out of the store, her friend on her heels. Her parting words to her friend were loud enough for Ben to hear.

  “Who wants a man who needs a cane to walk, anyway? He and that dirty peddler woman can have each other.”

  Behind Ben, Wilkes chuckled. “Looks like some folks are a bit disappointed that you and Miss Youngblood are courting. Glad you set Frances Halverston straight about that.”

  “I couldn’t care less what Frances Halverston thinks.”

  “She made no bones about it a month or so ago that she had her sights set on you, Ben.”

  Ben scoffed. “I never gave her any indication that I was interested in her. In fact, I think I made it quite clear that I wasn’t.” He grinned at Wilkes. “At least, now that she knows for sure, she’s come to the realization that a man who walks with a cane is not the right kind of man for her. Sorry to drive away business, Wilkes.”

  “I’m sure she’ll be back.”

  For the second time, Ben reached for his purchases when the doorbell chimed again.

  “Lieutenant.”

  Ben turned slowly at the familiar voice, and a wide smile broke out on his face. “When are you going to stop calling me that?”

  He limped to the young man who’d entered the store and approached him. Holding out his hand, he clasped Michael Osborne’s wrist, then pulled him into a brotherly embrace.

  “You’ll always be Lieutenant to me.”

  “What are you doing here? It’s a bit far from the fort, isn’t it?”

  “I came looking for you. I was riding through town to find out exactly where your farm is and saw your horse outside the store.”

  Ben glanced at the handkerchief in his hand, then at Michael. There was only one reason the youth would come all this way to find him. He stepped back to the counter to conclude his business with Wilkes.

  “Have a good day, Wilkes.” Ben grabbed his supplies and moved to the door, then outside. Michael was right behind him.

  “The poachers?” Ben faced his young friend as soon as he reached his horse.

  Michael nodded. “It took me a long time, but I tracked them here. I believe the peddlers I encountered in the park when you were hurt are the ones responsible for your injuries. I’m sorry I didn’t put the pieces together then.”

  Ben’s muscles tensed. Michael’s words confirmed what he’d already suspected. Eli and Max Youngblood were the poachers who had destroyed his army career and left him crippled. Clara wouldn’t have been part of their scheme. She’d tried to do the right thing and save his life, most likely without her uncle’s knowledge. Love swelled in his heart for her.

  “Their trail led me here, Lieutenant, then back in the direction of the park. I thought you might like to come with me and help me find them.”

  Ben clutched the handkerchief carefully as he stuffed his purchases in his saddlebags, then looked at Michael. He placed his hand on Michael’s shoulder. “Come out to my place and rest for the night. You and your horse both look a bit tired.” Riding out to the Mallory farm to see Clara would have to wait. “I don’t think I can go with you right away, but I’d appreciate it if you’d stay on their trail.”

  Michael nodded. “Still can’t believe I missed it that it was those peddlers all along.”

  “I met them peddlers when they came through town a while back. I’m sure they recognized me, but I sure didn’t remember them. If they’re heading back to Yellowstone, it can only mean one thing.”

  Michael frowned. “When I encountered them in the park, there was a woman with them.” He tilted his head slightly and frowned. “Can we arrest women?”

  Ben smiled at Michael, then looked again at the handkerchief in his hand. Things were starting to look crystal clear now. Eli and Max had been poaching in the park. Clara must have seen what had happened to him. Somehow, she had tended to his wounds without her uncle’s knowledge.

  Eli had said something to her the day Ben had taken her away from him. He’d probably threatened her somehow and scared her with a lie if she revealed their identity to Ben or the law. Thinking about the peddler and his son filled him with anger. Those two had damaged both his and Clara’s lives. It was time they were brought to justice, but more important, it was time to clear Clara’s conscience.

  Ben glanced at Michael and winked. “She wasn’t part of their poaching schemes. Besides, you’re not going to arrest the woman I plan to make my wife.”

  Chapter 14

  Clara sat on the edge of her bed, absently stroking Scamp’s fur. Sally’s boys were with their father today, otherwise they’d have Scamp running around and playing outside. It was a good thing her dog was with her at the moment. She’d sat in her room for hours already.

  Sally had gone to a neighbor’s house with the baby this morning. The house was eerily quiet without the sounds of children playing, a baby crying, or someone working in the kitchen. Clara had almost asked Sally to stay with her today, but she hadn’t wanted to impose. She’d always hidden away from others during times of anxiousness. Asking for help only proved how weak she really was.

  Her condition was bad enough without having to lean on others all the time. Sally and Ethan had been more than kind to her. Imposing on them and their lives was another thing that added to her turmoil.

  Being alone in a quiet house, however, wasn’t helping the thoughts that raced through Clara’s mind. Without someone to talk to or the distractions of the children to take her mind off things, her anxiety worsened with every minute that passed.

  Clara stood and paced the room. Her heart continued to beat faster than normal, which left the usual nauseated feeling in her stomach. She was filled with a sensation that something was terribly wrong, as if something bad was about to happen. She fidgeted with her hands in front of her, winding a piece of embroidered cloth between her fingers.

  She stepped to the window and looked outside. Puffy white clouds drifted lazily across the blue sky. A slight breeze made the branches in the trees by the barn sway back and forth. Horses stood nose to tail in the nearby corrals, looking content and peaceful.

  Everything looked tranquil. Everything was calm everywhere, except in her mind. Her surroundings were serene, and would bring contentment to any other person, yet there was no peace inside her.

  Clara wrapped her handkerchief around her wrist, twisting it in into a tight rope in an attempt to dispel some of her tension. She couldn’t even sit and concentrate on a new piece of embroidery she’d started the other day. Her attempt at going fo
r a walk earlier to distract her mind had failed. Memories of the previous night left her no peace, especially when she’d walked past the barn.

  She forced a smile, even as a tear ran down her cheek, and she shook her head. Why did her mind have to be so cruel? This should be a wonderful time in her life. She no longer had to worry about standing in front of a crowd in a horrid dress and wig, trying to sell Uncle Eli’s useless concoctions. Max could no longer threaten to harm her or Scamp. A man cared deeply for her.

  Despite the turmoil twisting her stomach into knots and making her heart race out of control, her smile widened. Silent tears began to fall, and she dabbed at her nose with the twisted-up handkerchief.

  Ben. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her. He hadn’t said it, but he’d hinted often that he cared deeply for her. Could he possibly be in love with her, the way she was sure she loved him? Of course, she’d been too much of a coward to say it to him, fed by the relentless insecurities in her mind. He might laugh at her. What if he didn’t feel the same? It would make her look like a fool if she confessed her feelings and he didn’t care for her in the same way. What if he was just being kind, and wanting to take care of her because he felt sorry for her?

  Battling the nagging self-doubt and negative thoughts was almost as exhausting as going days without sleep. Clara squeezed her eyes shut and inhaled deeply.

  “Ben cares for me. He hasn’t said it, but he will. He loves me.”

  Why would any man love you? Look at you. You’re a mess and won’t ever be right. Look at what happened last night. Once he finds out what you’ve done, he’ll hate you.

  “Stop it!” Clara yelled, eliciting a bark from Scamp. She pounded her fist against the wall next to the window. Enough with the demons in her head that fed her fears. She spun on her heels and ran from her room. Maybe another walk would do some good. Maybe this time she could escape her racing thoughts. There were chores to be done. Anything to silence the voices in her head.

  With Scamp following at her heels and happily wagging his tail, she rushed out the door. Her heart pounded as she ran for the barn. She didn’t slow until she reached the paddocks, straining to force air into her lungs. Her throat constricted tighter as if someone had tied a noose around her neck, cutting off her ability to breathe.

  Clara glanced toward the barn. Last night, she’d overheard Ben talking to Ethan about the men who had made him a cripple.

  And you’re to blame as much as Max and Uncle Eli. When he finds out, he’ll hate you. Your romantic notions about Ben will blow away with the wind.

  “Any news on the poachers in Yellowstone?” Ethan had asked while the two had been standing in the barn. Clara had come to let them know that supper was ready. The question had stopped her in her tracks and kept her hiding in the shadows.

  “Nothing. The army is still looking, but it’s a lot of territory to cover. Chances are they’re long gone by now.” Ben’s voice had turned hard. “I’m not giving up, though. They need to be brought to justice.”

  “They ruined your life.”

  Several seconds of silence had elapsed before Ben had answered. “They changed the course of my life, that’s for sure.”

  Clara hadn’t listened to anything else. She’d gone back to the house and sent one of Sally’s boys to tell the men that supper was ready, then escaped to her room to calm her racing heart. Throughout the meal, she’d been quiet, practicing the skills she’d honed over the years that kept most people from noticing that anything was wrong, while her insides were in turmoil.

  After supper with the Mallorys, Ben had led her outside to spend a quiet time holding her hand and walking in the yard. The sun had dipped below the horizon, leaving a warm and orange glow behind. The crickets had chirped, and horses snorted contently in their pens. Near the barn, Ben had pulled her into his arms and kissed her without a care in the world. It hadn’t mattered to him if Sally or Ethan saw them.

  Shouldn’t she be the happiest woman in the world for having a man like Ben in her life? He was kind and patient with her and with her irrational worries.

  Each day, her feelings for Ben Ferguson grew deeper. Despite falling in love with him, her state of anxiousness hadn’t gone away. It had, to some extent, where her uncle and cousin were concerned, but instead of being happy with her new circumstances, new worries had taken over. For weeks, she’d brushed aside the guilt for what had happened to him, but after the conversation she’d overheard, it had manifested into more anxiousness.

  Clara shook her head. She swiped an impatient hand at more tears that rolled down her cheek. She didn’t deserve a man like Ben. She was broken and would always be broken. He deserved someone who could laugh freely with him without being constantly on edge, dreading the next time panic took over. He should at least have someone who could be honest with him. One day, he would realize it and call her worthless, as her uncle had always done.

  “I have to tell him.” Clara leaned down to pet Scamp’s head. The dog glanced up at her with loving, soulful dark eyes. It was as if his quiet expression told her she was right. She had to tell Ben the truth, otherwise it would give her no peace. If he hated her for it, then so be it, but keeping the secret bottled up was killing her.

  Ben deserved to know who had shot him and nearly let him burn to death in that hot water. It was only right that she should face the punishment along with her relatives.

  Clara looked toward the horizon in the direction of Ben’s farm. He would come to call later this evening, after his day’s work was done. She would tell him, and ask his forgiveness for her dishonesty. She was ready to face the consequences. While her heart raced with the thought of what she would say, the decision to tell him everything was oddly calming. It was the right thing to do.

  With her mind made up, Clara turned to head back to the house. The windows could use a good washing, and the work would give her something to do to occupy her mind. When she rounded the corner to the barn, a heavy hand clamped around her mouth, and she was pulled roughly against a hard body.

  “Well, hello, dear cousin.” The familiar voice sent renewed panic through Clara. Her heart pounded nearly out of her throat, and her limbs went weak. Her legs refused to bear her weight, and she slumped against her attacker.

  Max. What was he doing here? Hadn’t he and Uncle Eli left the area weeks ago?

  “Looks like you’re living high and mighty lately, sweet Clara.” Max eased his hold on her mouth and pushed her away enough so that she could turn and face him. “No need to call for help. I know you’re here alone today.”

  Clara stared into the leering face of her cousin. Anger, terror, and loathing for this man all mixed together in her. Shame haunted her that she was even related to him.

  “What do you want?” Her words came out more forceful and steady than she’d anticipated. On the inside, she was about to crumble.

  Max laughed. His sneer widened, and he rubbed at his rough chin. “Just thought I’d come and pay a visit to my dear cousin to see how you’re doing. Gotta make sure you’re not telling tales to a certain man who can’t seem to keep his hands off you.”

  Clara swallowed. Max had been spying on her and Ben. Cold fear raced down her spine.

  “You needn’t concern yourself with that, Max. I haven’t said a word to anyone. Why are you and Uncle Eli still here if you’re so worried about me telling the truth about what happened that day when you tried to murder Ben Ferguson?”

  Max grabbed her roughly by the arm and yanked her within inches of him. “That filthy soldier shot me first. He deserved to die. Pa should have left him to burn in that hot pit.”

  Clara shook her head. She leaned away from him, struggling to free herself from her cousin’s grip. Scamp growled and charged. Max kicked at the dog, then released Clara and drew his gun.

  “No!” Clara grabbed Scamp and threw herself over her dog. She stared up into the cold eyes of the man pointing the weapon at her face.

  “I’m just gonna give you
a little reminder, dearest cousin,” he sneered. “If you even think about going to the law, or if you can’t keep your mouth shut to your beau, that nice family you’re living with is gonna have some unfortunate accidents.” He shrugged. “Maybe that lovely place that belongs to your beau will meet with some unfortunate act of nature.”

  Clara trembled, holding on to Scamp with all her strength while the dog struggled to get free of her grasp to charge at Max.

  “I haven’t told anyone a thing,” she spat. “Leave the Mallorys and Ben Ferguson alone.”

  Max holstered his weapon. He leaned forward to glare at her. “Just remember, I’m watching you.” He turned and walked away, disappearing around the barn. Seconds later, the loud clopping of galloping hooves reached her ear.

  Clara hugged Scamp tight and sobbed. She crumbled on the dusty ground and let the tears fall. What was she going to do? She couldn’t follow through with her plans to confess everything to Ben. Max’s threat had been real, and he would hurt the Mallorys somehow, and find a way to hurt Ben.

  Trembling, she stood. She glanced around the empty yard. Sally’s chickens squawked contently as they scratched for bugs and seeds in the dirt. A gentle breeze caressed her tear-soaked cheeks. Clara blinked. Nothing was as it seemed. The peacefulness around her was only an illusion.

  Panic gripped her heart like an icy shackle, holding on tight and squeezing until all the air left her lungs and she was unable to breathe. Her entire body became cold and numb, until no feeling was left. She had to get away.

  Her gaze drifted beyond the farm’s yard to the nearby hill covered in forest. Her legs began to move. Faster, she walked, until she broke into a run. Her vision blurred, but she kept running.

  You can’t outrun yourself. It’s silly to even try.

  Clara ran faster. She stumbled, but recovered, and continued to run into the woods to hide. Hide from what? No matter how fast and far she ran, her legs couldn’t carry her away from the voice inside her head and the terror coursing through her limbs. The pounding of her heart became almost unbearable, and when she had no breath left, she stumbled down a shallow ravine that ended at a small creek trickling through the forest.