In His Thoughts

by Peggy L Henderson

  Clara slowed and stumbled through the water without stopping. She climbed the incline on the other side of the creek and continued on. Her skirt ripped when the hem caught on a limb of a downed tree. She pulled it free and hurried on, unmindful of the cheerful chirping of birds that surrounded her or the sun’s rays casting intricate ribbons through the trees’ canopies.

  Scamp trotted along beside or in front of her, never straying far away. When exhaustion finally took over, she dropped to the ground, huddled up against a tree, and wrapped her arms tightly around her trembling body. Clara closed her eyes as shivers of fear wracked her body. She squeezed her eyes shut, giving in to the terror inside and knowing she could never run far enough to escape it.

  Strong and loving arms enveloped her in a tight embrace.

  “I’ve got you. You’re going to be all right now, Clara. Everything’s going to be all right.”

  The soothing voice of the man who’d always eased her fears flowed into her. Clara gripped hold of him and held on tight. The tender strokes of his hands along her back were like a warm bath after a cold day. Ben had found her, and for just a moment, everything was all right.

  Chapter 15

  Ben wrapped Clara in his arms, sitting beside her on the cold, hard ground. He leaned against the trunk of the cottonwood tree and stroked his hand up and down her back in a slow motion meant to soothe and comfort. Her body shook against him as she sobbed quietly into his chest.

  Love for her filled him, and he held her tight, wishing he could draw all the pain she endured into himself and free her of her agony. What had happened to her to make her so fearful all of a sudden? Some invisible terror must have claimed her to make her run away from Sally and Ethan’s place and lose herself in the woods.

  Clara had seemed fine the night before. She’d been content in recent weeks and almost happy. Had it all been an act and he simply hadn’t noticed that she hadn’t yet recovered from the miserable life she’d led with her uncle and cousin? Maybe he’d been too preoccupied with his own thoughts that he’d been blind to notice.

  Anger raced through him, cold and hard, almost pushing aside the warm glow of love. Clara tensed in his embrace, and Ben willed his arms to relax again. He was here to comfort her. His hatred for what her relatives had done to them threatened to overtake him, but that was not going to help her recover from her bout of fear.

  He should have come straight to Sally and Ethan’s place after leaving town, but Michael Osborne’s appearance had delayed him. After taking Michael to his farm and showing him around, they’d discussed further details about Eli and Max Youngblood, and Michael had handed him an envelope.

  Ben had read the letter, then glanced up at his young friend. “An invitation from Captain Harris.”

  Michael had grinned. “He talks about you all the time; how sad he was to see you discharged.”

  “He had no choice but to discharge me.” Ben had glanced at his cane. “I would have been useless as a soldier.”

  “He misses you. A lot of the soldiers talk about you and wish you were back. Harris is having a celebration at the fort and thought you’d like to attend.”

  Ben had read the note again, which had indeed been an invitation to come to the fort as Captain Morris Harris’s personal guest. An idea had formed in his mind.

  “I have another errand to run, Michael. Make yourself at home here. When I get back, we can discuss how we’re going to catch Eli and Max Youngblood.”

  The youth had shot him a perplexed look and had shaken his head when Ben mounted his horse again and rode off in the direction of the Mallory Farm. He’d courted Clara long enough. As Wilkes, the mercantile owner had said, everyone knew they were together. It was time to take the next step.

  When he’d arrived at the farm, Sally had looked worried.

  “Clara’s not here. I thought maybe you’d come by to fetch her and took her on an outing.”

  Ben’s heart had slammed against his ribs as a strange feeling that something wasn’t right had come over him.

  “I haven’t seen Clara since last evening. Are you sure she didn’t leave a note?”

  “No, nothing. She didn’t mention she was planning to go anywhere when I left earlier.”

  “Did you search her room?” The pounding in Ben’s chest had grown stronger and faster. Clara wouldn’t have simply left, would she?

  “That’s the first thing I did. Everything is undisturbed.” The reassuring smile on Sally’s face was false. She looked as worried as he’d felt. “Maybe she went for a walk and lost track of time.”

  “Then I’d better go and find her.” Ben had mounted his horse and ridden from the yard.

  Without any lead on where Clara might have gone, he’d pointed his gelding in the direction of the woods. She couldn’t have gone to town, or Sally probably would have met her on the road. Since he’d just come from his own farm, she hadn’t gone that way, either. That left the surrounding hills and woods. The disturbing thought that she was in some kind of danger had entered his mind, and he’d urged his horse into a lope. Calling her name repeatedly, he’d almost let out a shout of joy when he’d heard the barking of her dog.

  “Good boy, Scamp.” Ben had nearly jumped from his horse when the shaggy mutt had appeared from behind a dense stand of trees, running toward him and barking as if the forest were on fire. Ben had limped as fast as his cane allowed him to reach the dog, which had leapt at him with joy.

  “Where’s Clara, Scamp? Go find Clara.”

  As if the dog had understood, he’d barked again and ran back into the trees. It hadn’t taken more than a few minutes before the animal had led Ben to his beloved owner. Dread had filled him when Ben spotted her curled up under a cottonwood, shaking as if something terrible was about to happen to her.

  Wrapping her in his arms, he’d tried to convince her with soothing words that everything was all right, and nothing was going to harm her. Whatever demons she was fighting in her mind would soon go away.

  Nearly half an hour must have passed before she’d finally eased her head away from his chest and raised her eyes to look up at him. Her face was splotched with red from the aftermath of her crying spell. Ben smiled but didn’t say anything.

  “What are you doing here?” Her tentative words were barely audible.

  “I came looking for you. Sally and I were both worried when you weren’t at the farm. Did you get lost?”

  Her eyes dropped as if she was trying to hide something from him. Ben voiced the question that was on his mind.

  “Did something happen, Clara? Did someone try to hurt you?” He lifted her chin to meet his gaze.

  Her eyes pooled with tears again, and she hastily blinked them away. Her silence confirmed that something had happened, and it wasn’t simply an attack of panic.

  “Can you tell me?” he nudged.

  She shook her head. “No,” she whispered.

  “Clara, if someone tried to hurt you, you have to tell me.”

  She stiffened and shifted on the ground to put some distance between them.

  “I can’t. I can’t put Sally and Ethan, or you in danger.”

  Ben hid his surprise at her answer behind a chuckle. “Why would you put us in danger? You know we’re all looking out for you.”

  Clara pulled fully out of his embrace and scrambled to her feet. To avoid eye contact, she brushed at the dirt and leaves that clung to her skirt and faced away from him. Pulling himself to stand with his cane, Ben limped toward her. He placed his hand on either side of her shoulder and prodded her to turn and look at him. Her eyes were clouded with indecision and apprehension.

  “What happened to make you run away from the farm, Clara? I don’t think it was simply one of your attacks this time.”

  Clara stared at him. She scoffed. “I can’t escape my own body when the panic strikes. I wish I could.”

  “Who were you escaping from then?”

  She shook her head again. “There’s something I’ve been meanin
g to tell you, Ben. I want to tell you, but doing so will endanger everyone I’ve come to care about.” Her eyes dropped to the ground.

  Ben lifted her chin again. She was going to release whatever she kept bottled up inside.

  “I think I have a fairly good idea of what’s bothering you.”

  Her eyes widened, and a fleeting glimpse of panic flashed in her gaze.

  “I think it’s time you let go of what you’re keeping bottled up. No need to make yourself sick over it, especially when you have no reason to.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her voice faltered slightly.

  Ben reached into his pants pocket and pulled out the handkerchief Wilkes had given him. He held it out for Clara to take. She hesitated, staring at the fabric that belonged to her.

  “Several like this were wrapped around my injured leg and foot when I was found in the Yellowstone wilderness,” Ben explained. “For months, I tried to figure out who my guardian angel was. I thought she was a figment of my imagination, but the embroidered handkerchiefs proved otherwise. Earlier today, Mr. Wilkes at the mercantile gave me this, asking if it belonged to you. He thought you’d dropped it the day before when you were in the store with Sally.”

  Ben paused. His hand reached up and he caressed Clara’s cheek with his thumb, swiping away the moisture on her face.

  “This handkerchief is identical to the ones that covered my wounds.” He smiled. “No wonder you looked so familiar to me when I first saw you in town. You’re my guardian angel, Clara.”

  Clara stiffened. She shook her head and her eyes were filled with anguish as she stared up at him.

  “I left you to die,” she sobbed.

  “You saved my life.”

  “Taking the bullet out and wrapping your burns was the only thing I could do. If . . . if they had known, or had found out that I came back to tend to your wounds, they would have killed you.”

  Her words were raspy, and he barely understood. Ben wrapped his arm around her to pull her closer, but she resisted. She cleared her throat as she set her face in a determined look.

  “Max came to the farm today. He must have been watching me for some time, because he knew I was alone today.”

  Ben tensed as renewed anger swept through him. He should have known her relative was the reason for Clara fleeing the farm and wanting to hide in the woods.

  “What did he say to you?” His voice deepened almost to a growl.

  Clara swallowed. “He reminded me that if I told anyone what I know, he’d find a way to harm Sally and Ethan, and even your farm, Ben.” She straightened and looked him in the eye. “Uncle Eli and Max are responsible for what happened to you, Ben. I wanted to tell you, but I was too afraid. I can’t keep it locked up inside any longer. You have a right to know, and I’m ready to face the consequences.”

  Ben’s forehead scrunched. “Face the consequences?”

  “I was there when they nearly killed you, Ben.” Her voice rose as she spoke. “I was there, and I didn’t do anything to stop them. I’m as guilty as they are.”

  Ben pulled her into his arms. “Did Eli and Max convince you of that?” He kissed the top of her head. The anger at the two men made his muscles tense. If he could, he’d ride after those bastards this very second and make them pay for the lives they had ruined.

  “It’s the truth,” she mumbled against his shirt.

  Ben held her at arm’s length. “The only truth is that they used your fears against you, Clara, to hold you prisoner. The only truth is that you saved my life that day by whatever means you could, and you’re not guilty of anything.”

  She stared up at him. “You’re not going to turn me in to the sheriff?”

  Ben laughed. “Turn in my guardian angel? I most certainly will not. Eli and Max, on the other hand . . .”

  “Max will find a way to hurt you and the Mallorys.”

  “Let him try. My friend, Michael Osborne, is on their trail. They won’t get away with any more poaching or hurting anyone again. They will be brought to justice.”

  Clara didn’t look convinced. Ben hesitated, then cupped her cheek again and touched his lips to hers. “I know it’s pointless for me to say this, but I don’t want you to worry. I know you’ll worry, but everything will be fine.”

  “I can’t help feeling responsible for what happened to you, Ben. Eli and Max are right. I was there, and I said nothing to you weeks ago. Lying makes me just as guilty.”

  The anguish in her eyes made his heart pound faster against his ribs. She looked at him with such trust and - dare he think it - love, yet she couldn’t get past her unfounded guilt. This wasn’t the right moment, but –

  Ben gripped her hand in his and cleared his throat. “Clara, this is not the place nor the circumstances under which I wanted to ask you an important question.” He shifted weight, sucking in a hiss when pain shot through his burned foot after stepping on it too hard. He expelled his breath and continued. “But I can’t hold it back any longer, since it might convince you how wrong you are about yourself. You are not to blame for what happened to me. Your uncle and cousin are the ones who almost killed me and left me to die.”

  She was quick to argue. “But I should have stopped them or tried to do something. I should have told you right away when we first met in town.”

  Ben shook his head. “They threatened you. They fed you lies and counted on your fears to keep you silent.”

  She scoffed. “I’m not normal, Ben. My mind . . . I’ll always be broken.”

  He held her face between his hands. Clara stared into his soft and caring eyes. He smiled.

  “I love you, Clara Youngblood. I love you just the way you are, and I certainly don’t think you’re broken.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers.

  She shook her head the moment he drew back, and tears fell down her cheeks. “I’m broken, Ben. I’ll always have fears, no matter where I am or who I’m with.”

  Ben brushed the tears away with his thumbs. “You may always have fears, but I want to always be there to help you face them and get through them with you.”

  She scrunched her forehead. Confusion glimmered in her tear-filled eyes.

  “Do you think you could come to care about me, Clara? A man who walks with a limp and who will be called a cripple by some folks?”

  “What are you talking about. Ben? You may walk with a limp and the aid of a cane because of what happened to your leg, but you’re far from a cripple.”

  He smiled. “Glad you see it that way. Looks like we both have some flaws that we’re willing to overlook in each other.” He straightened and cleared his throat. “Clara Youngblood, I would be honored if you would consider becoming my wife.”

  Color drained from her face, and her eyes widened in disbelief. Her lips parted as her mouth formed a silent “o”.

  “You…you want to marry me?” she uttered after regaining her voice.

  He nodded, his smile widening. He laughed as unease and even dread flowed through him, giving him a small sense of the sensations Clara must be feeling on an ongoing basis. Would she agree to marry him? What if she said no? Life without her seemed almost meaningless and unimaginable.

  “I love you, Clara,” he repeated, to confirm his earlier confession. “Take your time to decide. You don’t need to give me an answer right away. My proposal stands.” It was probably better to back away than make her feel as if she was cornered into making a decision.

  Clara brought her hand up to rest her palm against Ben’s cheek. He took in a quick breath as her soft touch seemed to reach straight into his soul.

  “I love you, too, Ben.”

  Her softly whispered words penetrated his mind. Had he heard them correctly? Clara smiled for the first time. His confusion must have shown on his face.

  “I don’t know what you see in me or what I’ve done to deserve a man like you.”

  “I see a beautiful woman with a beautiful mind, who cares deeply for others.”


  She shook her head, but her smile melted his heart. “I think you’re spewing a lot of nonsense, Ben Ferguson.”

  “Certainly not when I asked you to marry me. How long do you think I’ll have to wait before you might give me your answer?”

  Her smile widened. “Not long at all. You’re the only person who understands me, Ben. I’d be honored to be your wife, and the thought doesn’t leave me feeling panicked in the least.”

  Clara wrapped her arms around his neck, and Ben kissed her to seal their promise to each other, while Scamp barked his approval at their feet.

  Chapter 16

  Happiness - true happiness - surrounded her for the first time that she could remember. Clara stared up at Ben’s eyes, which were filled with love. Had he truly asked her to marry him in the middle of the forest, and had she really said yes? It seemed surreal. Birds chirped overhead as if chiming in with their approval. If they’d been noisy earlier, she hadn’t paid attention. She’d been too lost in her world of terror.

  For hours she’d been a nervous wreck, feeling as if the world was coming to an end and she was going to die. The fear that had held her captive all this time was replaced by pure joy. Not that the fear didn’t linger just below the surface, but for right now, in this moment, she was not going to let it win. This moment was hers to cherish, like she cherished the man who held her and told her he loved her.

  “What does the letter A stand for?”

  Ben’s voice pulled her from her thoughts. She blinked and glanced at the handkerchief he held up for her to see. The letters C-A-Y were embroidered in the corner, just like her mother had taught her to do when she was a little girl.

  When she’d used her embroidered cloths to wrap his injuries all those months ago, she’d never thought it would lead to the happiest moment in her life. She’d never expected that Ben would hold onto the linens. They would have been ruined from all the blood. But, he’d kept them.