My Favorite Souvenir

by Ward, Penelope

  And then there was Milo.

  I definitely had feelings for him. In fact, in the two weeks I’d been back home, he’d been pretty much all I could think about. But were my feelings for him borne out of the excitement of our adventure and my need to feel wanted again? I didn’t think so. But honestly, I wasn’t sure about anything at the moment.

  “Hazel…”

  My eyes jumped to meet Brady’s. I shook my head. “I care about you. How could I not? We spent three years together, and you were always very good to me. Honestly, I was devastated when you called off the wedding. But a lot of time has passed now, and I can accept that what you did was not meant to be hurtful. I can’t imagine it was an easy thing to do. You had doubts, and you did what you felt was right. Now that time has gone by, I can even appreciate that you did what you did rather than take the easy way out.”

  I looked away for a long moment. When my eyes returned to meet his, Brady looked as nervous as I’d felt when he rang the doorbell. “I’ve discovered a lot about myself over the last few months,” I said slowly. “I’m not even sure what I want anymore.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I sighed. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve realized that what happened between us wasn’t only your fault. I’m not the same woman you met at that concert years ago. I’ve become someone very different, and I’m not sure I like her that much. So how could I expect you to?”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “The woman you met was passionate. She loved to travel and experience life. Over the years, I seemed to have lost that part of me.”

  “No, you didn’t. You’re still the same woman I fell in love with.”

  It had taken a lot of time and soul searching to discover that wasn’t true, so I couldn’t expect Brady to understand it right away. Plus, he meant well.

  I forced a smile. “I’m not. But that’s okay. Now that I recognize what I’ve lost within me, I can start to try to find it again.”

  Brady stepped closer. “I already recognize what I lost, and I want her back in the worst way.”

  I shook my head. “I need time. I’m confused about so much. Honestly, I didn’t know if you were coming here today to ask for a coat you left in the closet, to say a final goodbye, or to say what you just said. It’s a lot to take in, and my emotions are all over the place.”

  Brady nodded. “Sure. Of course. That makes sense. I don’t want to push you. Where we are is entirely my fault, and I need to win you back. I need to put in the work and regain your trust.”

  “That’s not what I meant, Brady.”

  “Just please tell me you’ll give me a chance to show you what we can have together again. We can start slow—like we did at the beginning. Friends, even?”

  “Friends?”

  “Yeah. I’m desperate, sweetheart. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me. I know we’re meant to be together, and in time you can get back to feeling it, too. Maybe we could have lunch once or twice a week, or have drinks or see a movie? I promise I won’t pressure you.”

  “I don’t know…”

  Brady moved closer and caught my gaze. “Please? Just spend a little time with me each week. That’s all I’m asking.”

  I needed to think things through. “Can I think about it?”

  He forced a smile, but pretty much failed at it. “Sure. Of course.”

  • • •

  Over the next couple of weeks, I realized for sure that Brady wasn’t kidding when he’d said he wanted to start by being friends again. He was pulling out all of the stops, doing things I only remembered him doing in the early days of our relationship. He’d sent flowers to me at the studio. He’d come by and surprised me with my favorite takeout after work. He stayed to eat with me, but didn’t seem to expect anything else. Which was a good thing, because we weren’t together at the moment—although it was clear he was working toward making that happen.

  As safe as Brady made me feel, I still felt like the trip had changed me. My time with Milo had me doubting whether the path I’d been on before I met him was the right one. I needed to be sure what was right for me long term before I made any decisions about where things stood with Brady. And as much as a part of me still loved him, I didn’t know whether I could ever fully trust him again. He’d broken my heart when he canceled the wedding—not to mention the embarrassment that goes along with that, having to tell friends and family what happened. At least he’d had the decency not to stand me up at the altar, like Big did to Carrie in Sex and the City. Then again, Carrie ended up forgiving Big.

  Was I really justifying forgiving Brady because a fictional character who had great taste in shoes did the same?

  A part of me knew if I hadn’t had the experience with Milo, I would be much more open to the idea of letting Brady back into my heart. But a part of my heart was with someone else now—a man I knew virtually nothing about in “real life.”

  I decided to pay a visit to my friend Felicity, who was still home recovering after her car accident. She had no clue about what an adventure my trip had turned out to be.

  On the drive to her house, I gave Brady’s mother a call. I hadn’t spoken to her in a while, and given everything she was going through with the Lyme-disease diagnosis, it was time I checked in. After all, it wasn’t her fault her son screwed up. She had been like a mother to me—more so than my own, who continued to travel the world with my dad.

  I put my phone on speaker mode and dialed her.

  She picked up. “Hazel!”

  “Hey, Terry.”

  She cleared her throat. “It’s so good to hear from you. How was your trip?”

  “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to call. The trip was great. It was…necessary. Soul-cleansing, really. Thank you for asking.”

  “I’m so glad to hear.”

  “But more importantly, how are you feeling?”

  “Better. Not a hundred percent. But better. You know, they say stress can exacerbate symptoms of chronic diseases. I have to admit that my foolish son doing what he did to you put me in a very bad place. I think that’s what led to my symptoms.”

  I frowned. “Oh, I hope not.”

  “Well, you know you’re like a daughter to me. I was very sad when Brady canceled the wedding.”

  “Oh, Terry. Please don’t be. Everything happens for a reason. I feel like I understand that a little more now.”

  She let out a breath into the phone. “Please don’t give up on him, Hazel. As much as he might deserve that, you have to remember that Brady was very hurt when his father and I divorced. It took him many years to get over it. I think he has a huge fear of history repeating itself.”

  That had definitely crossed my mind—that Brady had his reasons, ones that may not have been about me. But it was hard not to take everything personally.

  I sighed. “I get that.”

  “He and I have had some time to chat while he’s been looking in on me. Now, I know I shouldn’t be violating my son’s trust, but fuck it, he lost the right to my full protection when he did you wrong. I can tell you with absolute certainty that his decision was completely fear-based. He’s afraid to bring a child into this world only to have a marriage end in divorce. He feels like he needs to be absolutely sure.”

  “Well, I agree with needing to be sure. And I think he made the right decision to not go through with marrying me if he wasn’t sure.”

  “But here’s the thing, darling. He is sure now. I don’t agree with how he handled things to get to that point, but I can tell you he’s never regretted anything more in his life than the decision to let you go.”

  Mixed emotions started to bubble inside of me.

  I pulled up to Felicity’s. “I’d better let you get some rest. I just got to my friend’s house, in any case.”

  “Okay, have fun. Please keep in touch.”

  “I don’t want you getting overly stressed about this. Okay, Terry? Take care of yourself and know that Brady a
nd I are taking things slow again. We’re focusing on rebuilding the friendship we had when our relationship started. If we’re meant to be together, I’m sure fate will find a way to fix us.”

  “I sure hope so, honey. Because he’ll never find anyone else like you.”

  • • •

  After spending the better part of an hour telling Felicity about Milo and all of the places we visited, she was still sitting there with her mouth hanging open. I helped fold some of her laundry while we talked.

  “I can’t believe the entire time you were away, I was feeling sorry for you, thinking you were in Vail, wallowing over the fact that the wedding never happened. Never in a million years would I have imagined you were gallivanting around with a sexy stranger.”

  “Well, it certainly wasn’t what I expected to come out of that trip, either,” I said as I matched her socks.

  She sat up straighter on bed. “Will you ever see this guy again?”

  “That’s the thing. He booked us a room at the hotel where we stayed in New Orleans for three months after the time we were there.”

  “Whoa. So, like, you’re supposed to show up and see if he does the same?”

  “Yeah, unless something changes—unless he doesn’t want to see me for some reason or vice versa.”

  “That’s exciting. Like something out of a movie.”

  “Exciting unless one of us doesn’t show.”

  “So, the whole time you guys called each other by your fake names?”

  “Yep.”

  “You never got his real name?”

  I shook my head. “That was part of the fun. I’m sure if we end up reuniting, I’ll tell him my name. It was just too much fun being Maddie Hooker—much more fun than Hazel Appleton.”

  “Hooker! What a name.” She laughed. “But what if this guy had been dangerous? You really took a chance.”

  I carried the basket of folded clothes over to the corner of the room. “Never once did I worry about that. I had an innate sense that I was safe with Milo. He never even tried anything. Honestly, aside from that amazing kiss at the very end, he was the perfect gentleman.” I chuckled, thinking about some of my own behavior. “I was by far the more aggressive one at times. It was hard to hide my attraction to him.”

  “I still have chills about what you told me—when the psychic brought his old girlfriend through.”

  That reminded me. “Oh. One part I forgot to tell you. Zoe, the dead girlfriend, apparently mentioned hazelnuts to try to give the psychic a clue about something. Pretty sure she was referring to me—Hazel. But even then, I didn’t tell him my name.”

  Her jaw dropped. “So amazing. Wow.”

  “The whole experience was amazing.” I plopped down on the corner of the bed and sighed. “But now, being home is…strange. I almost feel like I belonged out there on the road with Milo. I’m like a fish out of water on my own turf, even though things have actually been better than ever here—on the surface, at least.”

  “How so?”

  I bit my bottom lip. “Well, that’s the other thing I haven’t mentioned yet. On top of everything that happened, Brady has been trying to get me to forgive him.”

  Her eyes widened. “Whoa. What?”

  “Yeah. He wants to get back together, says he really regrets canceling the wedding.”

  She leaned in. “What did you say?”

  “I’ve agreed to spend time with him, but made no promises. I’m open to seeing where things go, but if I’m being honest, a part of me is still with Milo. I feel like only half of me is here. That half of me has some feelings for Brady, but it’s just so complicated.”

  “You’re not considering giving up what you and Brady had for some guy you don’t even know?”

  Her reaction surprised me. She’s defending Brady?

  “Brady left me. Are you forgetting that?”

  “Yeah, but he’s come around. He came to his senses. I have no doubt Brady loves you. He takes the covenant of marriage seriously. If only all men were like that. Better to express doubt before getting married than after. Ultimately he’s decided he can’t live without you. It’s not necessarily a bad thing that he fully thought through the idea of marriage first.”

  I sighed. “I know he never meant to hurt me. But he’s going to have a long road to travel before I trust him again.”

  “That’s understandable.” She paused. “But you will take him back, right?”

  My eyes narrowed. “I thought you were all gung-ho about my three-month meet-up with Milo a little while ago.”

  “That was before I knew Brady wanted to fix things.” She paused to really look at me. “Hazel, Brady is a great guy. He loves you. Don’t fuck things up with him over some drifter you had a fun time with.”

  Drifter?

  Wow. I was actually offended on Milo’s behalf. She hadn’t heard anything I’d said about him over the past hour.

  I raised my voice. “Milo is no more a drifter than I am.”

  “Okay, but you don’t even know this guy’s name. If you continue to obsess over him, eventually you’re going to have to tell Brady—and then what? You’ll lose him.”

  “Brady threw me away, Felicity. If he can’t accept something that happened in the aftermath of his dumping me, that’s his problem. Are you forgetting he left me?”

  “Yeah, well, he’s trying to rectify that. Give him a chance. Don’t make a mistake you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”

  Felicity’s one-sided attitude aggravated me. I crossed my arms. “I have to say, I’m a bit surprised you’re so supportive of Brady. You were the first to curse his name when he broke things off.”

  “Yeah, well, I was mad. But now that I see how he’s handling things, I have to be honest with you. I think you’d be making a mistake in not taking him back. This guy you met doesn’t sound like he has his shit together. I know you have an adventurous spirit, but when it comes down to it, stability is what you need. I mean, don’t you want to have kids someday?”

  I stared off. I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. But though I may not have agreed with her advice, she’d certainly given me a lot to think about.

  Chapter 16

  * * *

  Hazel

  Brady had asked if I wanted to meet him at a bar in the city Friday night. He had business downtown, so he was already in the area. I’d have to take the train in after my shoot.

  It had been a while since I’d ventured out of Connecticut, so I figured it would do me some good. After all, any time I could hang out with Brady without having to be alone with him was a good thing. Even though he’d been great about not making any moves on me physically, I always worried about how I would handle things if we were alone and he tried something. That was bound to happen at some point if we continued hanging out as “friends.”

  I’d given him no indication as to whether I would be taking him back. It would have been irresponsible to lead him on, since I was still figuring out what I wanted. I’d remembered how much there was to experience in the world, and I wasn’t ready to close the door on a more adventurous future than currently lay before me. Like a future with Milo. It wouldn’t be risk-free, but it would certainly bring an excitement I didn’t have now.

  And despite Felicity’s feelings on the matter, I was still torn about whether I could forgive Brady. If I ended up choosing to be with him, I’d likely never see Milo again. That was a hard pill to swallow.

  I’d have to stand Milo up in New Orleans. The thought of that broke my heart. I couldn’t imagine Milo showing up and not finding me there. Obviously, if I were considering taking Brady back one second and feeling horrible about potentially hurting Milo the next, I was still very confused.

  The bar Brady had chosen in downtown Manhattan was a small but trendy place. It was dark and crowded, but he had already texted me that he’d secured a spot at the back right side of the bar, so I knew where to look. I managed to find him sitting at a four-top table in the corner.

&nbs
p; When he spotted me, he raised his glass. He looked really good tonight, dressed in a black, tailored suit. He must have been trying to impress a new client today.

  “Hey!” I said, a bit out of breath.

  “You made it.” Brady stood and leaned in to kiss my cheek. It was the most contact he’d aimed for since our first meeting after my return.

  I had to admit, the feel of his lips on my skin sent a chill down my spine.

  “How was your day?” he asked.

  That was another thing. “New Brady” was more considerate. “Old Brady” would have immediately started going on about his day.

  “The shoot in New Haven went well. I’ll have a ton of edits to do this weekend.”

  “Good. What’s on tap next week?”

  “I have a couple of private assignments and then a retake shoot at the high school in Darien.”

  “Nice.”

  “How was your day?” I asked.

  “The usual brownnosing that comes with wooing a new client. But I’m pretty sure I nabbed them. I’ll probably hear next week.”

  “Well, early congrats then. We should celebrate.”

  “Definitely.” He flagged down a waitress. “I hope you don’t mind, I told Dunc to meet us here. He just got into town tonight.”

  Duncan was Brady’s best friend from college back in Vail. He was supposed to be the best man at our wedding. That was going to be my first time meeting him, but of course the wedding never happened. I’d heard about him for years, but according to Brady, he’d been through a tough period and had apparently pulled back from everyone. I tried to fight the bitterness creeping in. The mere thought of Duncan reminded me of the canceled wedding and Brady’s abandonment. I already had a negative association with the poor guy and hadn’t even laid eyes on him.

  Forcing a smile, I said, “It’ll be nice to finally meet him.”

  “Yeah. He’s coming here straight from the airport, but who knows what kind of traffic he’ll hit at this hour.”