Raw Honey

by Cecil, Amy

  We finish dinner and Emma and I clean up the kitchen. When all is said and done, the boys check the house and grounds, then double-check that all the doors and windows are locked. When the house is secure, we all turn in for the night. Spike takes the room that Rebel slept in while he was here last week and Dbag sleeps on the couch.

  Emma offered him one of the other guest rooms, but he was insistent that it would be better if he were out in the living space in case he was needed.

  The house is quiet and then we hear Emma scream.

  We all run up to the third floor and Spike yells, "What the hell, Emma? What's happened?"

  "Whoever left the note this morning has been in the house. Look." She points to a rose and a note on the bed. It appears that it hasn't been opened. Spike walks over to the note while putting his riding gloves on. With his gloved hand, he picks up the note and begins to read.

  Your biker friends can't protect you.

  Your biker boyfriend will go down with you.

  When he finishes reading the note he pulls out his cell phone and dials. He holds the phone to his ear and a few seconds later begins to speak. "Hawk, hey. We've got a problem. Emma got another note."

  He's listening to Hawk on the other end and then reads the note to Hawk. He listens some more and then says, "Ok, see you soon." He disconnects the line and looks over at Emma. "He's on his way."

  Emma pushes past us and runs down the stairs. We hear the glass shattering before we see it and when we get downstairs, we see that she has thrown a beer bottle. She's frantically running around the house breaking glasses and bottles in her wake. Spike grabs her arm to stop her.

  "Whoa there, darl'n. I think you have made your point."

  "Let me throw it. It makes me feel better!" she yells.

  "I know. I know it does. But you're making a mess and frankly, I don't think you or anyone else wants to clean it up," Spike says. He then adds, "I'm glad you're angry and I am glad that you're reacting to this as you are. But let's refocus that energy into finding this asshole and ending him once and for all." He takes a beer bottle out of her hand and takes it over to the kitchen counter.

  He walks back over to her and says, "Are you feeling better now?" I am shocked by her behavior. She's always so passive; I have never seen her truly angry.

  "I'm not a victim!" she states. She places her hands on her belly as if to reassure her child that everything is going to be alright.

  I walk over to her and give her a hug. "Emma, we know that you're not a victim. Hawk will get this guy, I just know it."

  "She's right, Emma. We'll get him," Dbag adds.

  A few minutes later there's a knock at the door. Spike goes over to the door, looks out the side window, and then opens the door. Hawk hurriedly walks in and comes straight over to Emma. "Are you ok?"

  "I'm fine," she says. "Thanks for coming over this late."

  "It's not a problem at all. Ice left your care in my hands and I won't let my brother down. So, what can you tell me about this last note?"

  "Not much, really. I had gone up to bed and as soon as I walked into the bedroom and flicked on the light I saw the rose laying on my pillow and the piece of paper next to it. I didn't even touch it; I just reacted with a scream."

  "A blood-curdling scream," I add. It’s probably not the most opportune moment to comment, but she scared the living shit out of me.

  She looks over at me. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." She turns back to Hawk and says, "When I screamed, everyone showed up in my room. Spike went over and picked up the note and read it. I don't have anything else."

  "Spike, first thing in the morning, you get these fucking locks changed." He turns back to Emma and says, "Emma, what can you tell me about Mark Grayson that I don't already know?"

  "Hell, I don't know, Hawk. I really thought I knew the man, but over the course of the last several weeks I realize that I never really knew him at all."

  "Does he have any other family that you can think of?"

  "He had an aunt in New York that he spoke of once or twice, but not regularly and not enough for me to ask about her."

  "Friends?"

  "Nope, no friends. Well, except Skid, but we didn't know that until a couple of weeks ago. Do you think Skid could be doing this?"

  "Possibly, but I doubt it."

  "Why not Skid?"

  "Well, it's not a biker move. We don't play games. If we're trying to get a point across or threaten someone, we just do it. Skid may be an asshole, but he's all biker. This isn't his style. His ego is too big to hide in the shadows."

  "Should we call the police?"

  Spike looks at Hawk and says, "You know, it wouldn't hurt to let Briggs know what's going on here. Hell, he might even be able to help."

  No, no, no! I've managed to avoid him this long. Not now, where I have nowhere to hide! Trying to sway Hawk against that idea, I say, "Why would you even think about getting the police involved, Hawk? That's not you … and that's definitely not something Ice would do."

  "I agree," Hawk says and I'm relieved for a moment. Then he throws me for a loop when he adds, "With Spike." He's quiet for a moment and then says, "Emma, I want you to think real hard. Is there something that we're missing? Did someone come into the house since the last time you were upstairs?"

  I can't take any more. I definitely cannot face Jack. I run from the room and make a beeline to my room. Maybe they won't notice that I left and I can just stay here until he leaves. This can't be happening. It just can't. I'm not ready!

  A few minutes later, I hear a knock at my bedroom door. "Honey? Are you ok?" Emma asks.

  I have no choice but to open the door. I'm gonna have to face this sooner or later. Emma walks in and says, "Honey?"

  "I'm right here," I say in the darkness.

  "Are you ok? You seemed a little upset when Hawk mentioned calling Briggs."

  "Emma, you have enough to worry about right now. You don't need to add my problems to the mix."

  "Honey, you're my friend. Hawk has my situation under control. What's going on with you?"

  "Oh, Emma, I don't know what to do." I sit down on the bed and sigh.

  "Why don't you tell me and maybe I can help?"

  "Remember when Hawk said that he was calling Sgt. Briggs?"

  "Yes."

  "I have a sketchy past with Sgt. Briggs."

  "Sketchy? What could you have possibly done that's worse than the rest of us?"

  I look at her sadly and say, "Trust me, it's worse."

  "It can't be all that bad. Why don't you give me a shot? I won't say anything to the guys if you don't want me to."

  "I know you won't, and it would really help to talk about it, but I don't want you to treat me differently because of it."

  "Really?" she says. "These boys kill people, run illegal guns, and Lord knows what else. Are you a gunrunner?" I shake my head. "You didn't kill someone, did you?" I can't help the smile that comes across my face as I shake my head.

  "Edinboro is my hometown. But when I was in my twenties, I left. I had a bad coke problem; really bad. I did some of the most unimaginable things to myself and other people. Things I don't want to relive or even talk about."

  "Ok, go on," she urges.

  "Briggs and I went to school together. We started out as really good friends, then we dated, and eventually, we were engaged. Up until that time, I'd done really well at hiding my drug problem. I would only shoot up when I was alone, after ensuring that I wouldn't be seeing anyone for a while. But after we got engaged and all the pressure started to build, the drugs began to take over my life. I lied to so many people. I stole money from my family, my friends, and even Briggs. I played so many cons just to get my next fix. And if the opportunity would have ever presented itself, I'm sure I would have killed for drug money too. I killed my unborn child because I was so strung out on drugs, I couldn’t handle having a having a baby in my state of despair."

  "Honey, everyone has some problem or another that they'
re dealing with. Some are just worse than others. You had an addiction; something you were unable to control. I'm sorry about the abortion, but you were not in your right mind. Why would you beat yourself up about this?"

  I don't answer her direct question but continue with my story, "The night before my wedding, I needed a fix so bad. I'd spent every last dime I had, borrowed from everyone I knew, and stole all the money I could get my hands on. On this particular night, pre-wedding jitters were getting the best of me and I had nothing. I was sitting on my bed and I looked down at my shaking hands. And there was my answer. My beautiful two-caret diamond engagement ring glistened on my left hand."

  I look over at her, waiting to hear the words that I dread, but instead, she pulls me into a hug and says, "What happened next?"

  "I went straight to a pawn shop and pawned my ring off for a measly $100 fix. I never showed up for my wedding. I just left Jack standing at the altar, waiting for me to walk down the aisle. When I sobered up enough to realize what I had done, I couldn't face anyone. So I packed my shit and left town. A month later, I killed our child. I have not seen or spoken to him since."

  "Honey, you were young and you had an addiction. You've taken the first steps by admitting that you had a problem; you can't beat yourself up about them. I'm sure Sgt. Briggs will understand, but you need to talk to him. You need to explain to him."

  "I doubt he would ever talk to me again."

  "Does he know you've come back to town?"

  "I doubt it. I have not kept in touch with any of my friends from that time. That's why I am always at the clubhouse. The MC has become a haven for me. When I told you that Ice took me in and saved my life, it wasn't an exaggeration. It's the truth."

  "Do you still have feelings for Sgt. Briggs?"

  "I really don't know. I'm not sure if my feelings for Briggs are true, or if they come from shame and guilt. Right now, it's Hawk that I want. And when he finds out he's not going to want to have anything to do with me," I say, and the tears that I have been holding back for so long begin to fall.

  "That's not true. He'll understand and so will Sgt. Briggs. You just need to talk to them both." Just then there is a knock at the door. Emma opens the door and Hawk is standing at the doorway, staring at me. The look on his face is one of total confusion. "I think I need to talk to Spike about something," Emma says as she turns toward the door. "You two need to talk." She looks over to me and mouths, "Talk to him!" And then she leaves the room.

  Hawk stares at me intently while Emma slowly closes the door behind her.

  "So, do you want to fill me in on what's going on with you?" he asks as he sits down on the bed next to me.

  I know he needs to be told about my past and I have every intention of doing so, I just don't want to have this conversation now. But really, at this point, what choice do I have?

  "Do you remember when I first came to the club?" I ask.

  "Yeah, of course, I do. You were a mess. You had just gotten out of rehab and were still coping with your addiction."

  "I was. You and the rest of the club knew about my addiction and the steps I had taken to overcome it. This club supported me and stood by me during some of my worst days."

  "Yeah, we did. You're telling me stuff that I already know, babe. What you aren't telling me is why you are crying now."

  I grab a tissue off the nightstand and wipe my eyes and blow my nose. It's not one of my more attractive moments, but this is Hawk. He's the man who has seen me at my worst and still wants to be with me. I pray that when I tell him the rest of this story he will still feel that way.

  "Yes, I know. But you don't know everything from my past. There are things that I purposely left out because I didn't want your opinion of me to change. But you, more than anyone else, need to know these things. And since my past is about to come back and bite me in the ass, I need to tell you before that happens."

  I proceed to tell him everything that I told Emma about Jack, my addiction, stealing, my ring, and not showing up for my own wedding and the abortion. I explain to him that I disappeared that night and never turned back until I ended up on the road outside of the clubhouse the day Ice found me.

  When I finish talking, I wait for Hawk to say something. He's silent for what seems like an eternity, but it's probably only a couple of seconds. "Holy shit, babe, what in the hell made you think that I would think differently about you?"

  "Um, I don't know, maybe because I did some pretty shitty things to my friends, my family, and my fiancé. Not to mention the fact that I was engaged to another man and almost married him—a man that has been a long-standing friend of this club. I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting, but that seems like a lot of shit to overlook."

  He puts his arm around me and pulls me in close. "Honey, sweetheart, we all know how drugs can take over a person. Many of the things you did were because of the drugs. The important thing for all of us to remember is that you did the right thing by taking responsibility and getting help. You put your life back together. Nobody expects anything more from you, especially me."

  "Really?"

  "Babe, of course. What kind of guy would I be if I didn't understand what you went through? What kind of guy would I be if I blamed you for those actions?"

  "Thank you!" I say as the tears start to fall again.

  "Everything is going to be alright." He's quiet for a minute and then adds, "But I do have to know one thing."

  "Sure, anything."

  "Do you still have feelings for Briggs?"

  I smile. "No, I don't. I think leaving him at the altar was a blessing in disguise."

  He nods. "That's good. I really didn't want to have to shoot our number one ally on the force."

  I chuckle, hug him, and give him a big kiss on the cheek. "You know, you really are something special."

  "Of course I know that. It's about damn time you realized it. Now let's go back out and get this threat shit settled."

  "Yes, sir!"

  When we come back to the living room, Emma catches me and mouths, "Everything good?" I smile and nod.

  Chapter 18

  When Sgt. Briggs arrives at the house, he immediately begins asking a lot of questions about what happened. He asks Emma if she knows what the note is referring to when it states, "I know what you did," but she plays dumb and says no. Good girl. She is definitely learning.

  It doesn’t take Briggs long to spot me and I can’t help but notice the surprise on his face. I have to say, I expected his reaction. But he continues to question Emma without missing a beat. He then turns to me and says, "Amanda, anything you want to add?"

  Hearing him say my name causes a shiver, but it quickly passes. If he only knew the guilt that I harbor for what I did to him. I notice that he has a wedding band on, which makes me happy. I always hoped that he would find another and it looks like he did. One of these days, maybe he and I can talk over coffee.

  Hawk makes it a point to show Briggs exactly who I belong to. He's being extra affectionate. The caveman in him emerges and he's being perfectly clear by his actions that he has definitely staked his claim on me. I’m not sure what to think about his claim. Part of me likes it—hell, who wouldn’t like to belong to a man like Hawk? The other part of me feels smothered and wants to say something to counter his actions. But I don’t.

  Sgt. Briggs leaves with a full incident report and says that he'll get his men on it right away. I think he suspects we know more than we told him, but nobody in that room was going to call their prez out for murder.

  The next day, I call Jack Briggs and ask him to meet me for lunch. It’s time that we talk and if I don’t do it now, I never will. He agrees to meet me outside of town at a small mom and pop diner called Joe’s.

  I get there before him and wait. My nerves are shot and I decide to leave, but he comes walking in just as I’m about to stand up. He approaches the booth that I’m sitting in and says, “Hello, Amanda.”

  “Hi, Jack. Why don’t you have a seat?” />
  He sits down and says, “Imagine my surprise when I walk into Caden’s house and find you there. You were the last person I expected to see.”

  “I know, Jack. I’m sorry.”

  “How long have you been back in town?”

  “A few years.”

  “Holy shit, Amanda! And this is the first time we’re talking?”

  “I’m a coward, Jack. I’ve always been a coward, but it’s time I come clean about everything. There are so many things that you don’t know, but they’re things you need to know.”

  “I’m listening.”

  Just then the waitress comes by to take our order and we both order coffee. I look up, hoping that perhaps he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want to listen, but he looks at me eagerly, encouraging me to tell him everything.

  I take a deep breath and begin, “I am a recovering drug addict.” He gasps. I was so good at hiding the truth from him, I don’t think he even suspected. “The night I left town, I pawned my engagement ring for a quick fix.” He’s silent, so I add, “I know now that there is no excuse for what I did, but back then, I didn’t care. All I wanted was to get high. That was all I could think about. I was nervous about the wedding and my future. I had spent so much time keeping the drugs from you and I was literally freaking out about how I was going to continue to do that after we were married.”

  “I never knew,” he says sadly.

  “Please understand, it wasn’t that I didn’t love you. I did. But unfortunately, I loved myself more. I only cared about what I wanted. I didn’t care who I hurt in the process, including you.”

  “You broke me, Amanda. It took me a long time to get over you and your disappearance. I tried to find you, but couldn’t. I even think that I joined the force so that I had access to their resources. Everything was a dead end.”

  “I went to New York. I covered my tracks. My drug dealer set me up with a fake ID and I lived under a different name for years.”

  He looks down at the table. “Are you better now?”