Shatter Me

by Kim Hartfield

Realizing my gaze had unfocused, I looked at the TV. Some mindless reality show was playing –patterned after the Kardashians, with even less actual content. I heaved a sigh. Either I could turn off my brain and watch this for an hour, or I could call up Lora. I knew which would be easier… and I also knew which I was going to do.

  Lora answered on the second ring. “Sydney?”

  “Yeah, it’s me.” I smiled, realizing she’d saved my number in her phone. “How are you doing? How is it, having your own place?”

  “Not too bad. It’s different, but I guess it’s good.”

  “How’s Virginia?”

  “Adorable.” I could hear the tension in her voice dissipate. “She’s sitting on my lap right now.”

  “No way. How many treats did you have to bribe her with to get her there?”

  “None, she came all on her own.”

  I grinned at the mental image. It’d always been a minor miracle when Virginia deigned to sit on my lap, and I could still feel her soft fur under my fingers. I wondered how much she’d grown since I’d last seen her. At her young age, it felt like she doubled in size every week.

  “So I was right,” I said. “She did remember you. At least, she got more comfortable with you than she ever was with me.”

  “I guess she did recognize me. She’d probably recognize Chantel, too.”

  I sucked in a breath, and Lora’s silence somehow sounded nervous, as if she realized she’d said something she shouldn’t have. “Why would she have the chance to recognize Chantel?” I asked carefully. “Are you thinking about having her over, or something?”

  “No,” she said, a little too quickly.

  “So you haven’t been in touch?” I was prying now, but I was pretty sure my behavior was justified.

  “Well…”

  Shit. “Have you seen her?”

  “Not yet,” she said in a small voice. “I’m actually going over there, um, later tonight.”

  My hand covering my mouth, I jumped off the couch. With nowhere to go, I sank back down again. “You’re going to her place? Why?”

  “To our old place,” she corrected me. “So I can pick up some of my stuff.”

  I bit my lip, hard enough to draw blood. I couldn’t stand the thought of Lora going over there. I knew how situations like this went. Chantel would sweet-talk her into forgetting she’d ever abused her. Next thing Lora knew, she’d be right back in a relationship with her. All the work she’d put into leaving her would’ve been for nothing.

  “Lora…”

  “Please don’t tell me it’s a bad idea,” she said. “I know you think it is. I’m a grown woman. I can handle this.”

  “It’s not about being grown-up or not – even though I do have a few years on you, and a lot of life experience.” I felt downright old next to Lora sometimes. “I’ve seen how these situations go for abuse victims before. If you don’t stay strong, you’ll – ”

  “I am strong!” She sounded defiant now. “Are you saying I’m weak?”

  “Not at all. Lora, honey, I’m trying to help you.” The “honey” slipped out, and I prayed it hadn’t sounded patronizing. “Imagine that I was in your position. Wouldn’t you do the same for me?”

  Now she sounded less certain. “I just want to get my stuff back.”

  “It’s just stuff, though. You can always buy more.” Knowing she’d say something about money, I headed her off. “Pick up more shifts at work, or ask your parents for a loan…”

  There was a long pause before she responded. “I see where you’re coming from, Sydney, but I need to do this.” Her tone was final.

  I twisted a few strands of hair through my fingers. I couldn’t let her do this to herself. She was going to ruin everything she’d been building for the past few weeks, and for what? For a few pairs of Old Navy jeans and maybe some furniture from IKEA?

  Selfishly, I was angry on my own behalf, too. Why had I gone to see her at the shelter so many times, if she was just going to go back to Chantel? Why had I bothered to look after her cat, or bring Virginia to her new apartment? Why had I hiked all the way up and down those damn stairs?

  “I can’t stop you from going, if that’s what you want to do.” I hesitated. “But please, Lora, at least take someone with you. Take a friend, or one of your parents.”

  “My friends still don’t know we broke up,” she said slowly. “And my parents live hours away.”

  “Then take me,” I blurted before I knew what I was saying. “I can go with you.”

  *

  When I met Lora outside her old apartment, I gave her a silent hug. There were so many things I wanted to say to her, but I felt like we were already on shaky ground. I’d overstepped my bounds today, and I was just grateful she’d allowed me to come here with her.

  She actually hadn’t resisted the idea. As soon as I’d suggested it, she’d said okay. I suspected she felt more comfortable having someone with her for moral support. Even now, I could feel waves of tension emanating off her.

  “Ready?” she asked in a faux-chipper tone.

  “Sure. Or if you’d rather go home, call Chantel, and tell her you’re not going to pick up your stuff after all, I’m good with that too.”

  She gave me a pained look. “I need to do this, Sydney.”

  I shrugged. I’d considered suggesting that I go in and get her stuff while she waited outside… but as I’d guessed, this was more about Chantel than any possessions.

  Once we were on the right floor, she took a deep breath and glanced at me. “Don’t worry, we won’t stay long.” She knocked.

  After a few moments, the door swung open. I recognized the young woman standing there from the other times I’d met her, although now she was dressed much more casually. Her pretty green eyes swept Lora up and down.

  “Baby,” she said, giving Lora a kiss on the cheek. “I’m so happy to see you. I’ve missed you so much.”

  Visibly tense, Lora didn’t return her affection. “Did you pack up my stuff, Chantel?”

  “Not yet.” Chantel’s gaze fixed on me. “Who’s this?”

  “Dr. Sydney Burgin.” I held out my hand. “We’ve met before.”

  Chantel’s nose wrinkled, and she made no move to shake my hand. “You brought a professor, baby? What is she, back-up protection?” She looked at me again. “I’m so scary, right?”

  Her sarcasm sent chills down my spine. Knowing what she’d done to Lora, I wasn’t going to fall for her charm… but I could see why someone else would. “We’re just going to get her things and go.”

  We went inside, and I looked around. The place was definitely nicer than Lora’s current apartment. It had rooms, for one thing. Not that a cozy studio couldn’t be nice but, well, the one she had now wasn’t.

  “How’s that cat doing?” Chantel asked in a friendly tone. “You know, I kind of miss the little brat.”

  “You do?” Lora asked. “I thought you didn’t like her.”

  “I was just getting used to her when you… left.” Chantel sighed. “She was growing on me.”

  Bile rose inside me. She was lying through her teeth, and I wished I could yell that at Lora. This woman’s fakeness was so obvious to me. I just hoped Lora could see through it, too.

  “Take whatever’s yours,” Chantel said as she followed Lora to another room. “I haven’t moved anything. I’ve just been waiting for you to come back.”

  “I’m not going to move back in here,” Lora said softly. “I have my own place now.”

  I stood just outside the bedroom, watching as she rifled through drawers. Part of me felt like I shouldn’t be listening to this conversation. Then again, wasn’t that why I was here?

  “I know you think you hate me, but isn’t that a bit extreme?” Chantel asked. “You know we’re meant to be together.”

  Lora had been emptying the contents of a drawer into the bag she’d brought, and now she paused. “I don’t hate you. I just know you’re not good for me.”

  I wished she w
ouldn’t engage with Chantel like that, even if she was standing up to her. Any kind of engagement was another chance for Chantel to get her hooks in and convince her to get back with her.

  “I’m not going to argue with you,” Chantel said. “I respect that you don’t want to be with me right now. I just want you to know that I will always love you. Always. Even if it’s a year down the line – hell, even if it’s ten years… you can come knock on my door and I’ll be right here, waiting for you.”

  I thought I heard Lora sniffle.

  “You’re the only one for me,” Chantel said. “I haven’t even looked at another girl since you left. I’ve just been waiting for you to come back and fill this hole in my heart. Nothing else could make me whole again.”

  My hands balled into fists. Chantel’s sweet words sounded so romantic, even I could’ve fallen for them. Too bad I already knew she was full of shit.

  Lora knew, too… didn’t she?

  “It’s going to take me a couple minutes to go through the closet,” she said. “Do you mind just giving me some time?”

  “Sure, of course, baby.” Chantel brushed by me on her way out, giving me a hard look.

  I tiptoed in behind Lora. “You did great,” I whispered. “Need any help?”

  She shook her head. “Almost done.” She zipped her duffel bag shut. “But I’ll need help with the coffee table.”

  I put my hand on her shoulder, and I couldn’t help noticing the softness of her skin. “You’re so strong, Lora.”

  She leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder. “You know, I’m glad you came.”

  Chantel appeared at the doorway, holding a stack of textbooks. Once she took in what she was seeing, her face transformed into a mask of anger. “What is this?” she demanded. “You’re sleeping with her?”

  “No!” Lora broke away from me. “We’re friends. That’s all.”

  Chantel’s eyes flashed. “How stupid do you think I am? I saw how you were holding each other.” She turned her furious gaze on me. “You have some nerve, coming into my home like this when you’re fucking my girlfriend.”

  “She’s not your girlfriend anymore,” I said, trying to modulate my tone. “And anyway, we’re not together.”

  “Sure, you’re just fucking.” She threw a book at the wall behind Lora. “I’m not surprised, actually. Were you sleeping with her while we were together?”

  “No!” Lora gasped.

  “I thought you’d at least have better taste. You really went for a fucking forty-year-old?”

  I winced. Thirty-nine. I stared at the crack in the wall where Chantel had tossed the textbook. If I’d ever had any doubts about the abuse, they’d just been erased. “Look, we’re going to take Lora’s stuff and get going.”

  “You can get going right now,” Chantel spat. “You’re not welcome here anymore.”

  Eleven – Lora

  I hadn’t heard from Chantel in a few days, ever since Sydney and I had hastily exited her apartment. I still checked my phone ten times a day, but she never texted me.

  Lying on my stomach on my mattress, I flipped through a few apps on my phone. Nothing was catching my attention, so I allowed myself to dwell on the awkwardness once again. Even now that a few days had passed, I hardly thought about anything else.

  Seeing her had been so hard. I knew she was telling the truth about how much she loved me. Why else would she be so bitter about thinking I was with someone else? When she’d given me that speech about how I could always go back to her, I’d nearly thrown myself into her arms right there and then. We just felt so right together. I wasn’t whole without her, either.

  Knowing I’d hurt her hurt me. I’d never intended to make her think Sydney and I were together. I wasn’t the kind of petty person who’d try to make their ex jealous. I’d just wanted someone there to support me, and now I wished I’d never gone at all.

  And Chantel’s assumption about me and Sydney was so ridiculous. Of course we weren’t dating. Even if I wasn’t totally heartbroken and barely getting through the days, what would Sydney ever want with someone like me?

  Sure, she was a bit older, like Chantel had said. But who would see that as a bad thing? She was so wise, so mature – not to mention gorgeous. Her eyes, her smile, her hair… Plus she’d been my professor. Who didn’t have the odd fantasy about their hot prof?

  Not that I’d fantasized about her, either when Chantel and I had been together or now. But if I hadn’t been taken and then heartbroken, I definitely could’ve let my imagination run wild.

  She didn’t even look forty. Her body was fantastic. Even though she’d never mentioned working out, she had curves in all the right places. I wondered if she did go to the gym, actually. I could picture her waking up at five to do Pilates before heading to a volunteer shift.

  I didn’t know too much about her, come to think about it. As much as I felt close to her, it was a one-sided friendship. She always supported me, and in return, I offered her… nothing. I needed to do better.

  Virginia hopped onto the mattress, and I stroked her head as she turned in a circle beside me. “You could actually sit on me, you know,” I told her. “I’m right here. It’s just as easy.”

  Ignoring my suggestion, she lay down where she was. I took it as a sign that I should get up. I had a shift at the grocery store in an hour, and I still needed to shower.

  When I got out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, my phone was ringing. I darted over to it, ashamed of myself for hoping Chantel was calling. Seeing Sydney’s name on the caller ID, my heart dropped a little. Once I picked up and heard her voice, I felt better again.

  “How are things?” she asked.

  “Not too bad,” I said. “I haven’t been talking to Chantel or anything. You don’t need to worry.”

  “All right.” She sounded relieved. “What are you up to?”

  “Just getting ready for work. How about you? Do you even have classes during the summer?”

  “I sure do. You’ve already forgotten summer session? I only teach three classes, but one is graduate-level, so it’s a lot more work.”

  “Oh, right.” I thought back to the class I’d taken with her. “And the grad students are more likely to beg for term paper extensions with dumb excuses, right?”

  “They are,” she laughed. “But I only grant them for the especially promising students.”

  She always knew what to say to put a smile on my face. Too bad with all my promise, I’d ended up with a job bagging groceries.

  Apparently she was thinking along the same lines. “Hey, tell me if this is too personal…”

  “I think we’re a bit beyond that point,” I said dryly.

  “You’re still working at the supermarket on Sixteenth, right? Why is that? Did Chantel tell you not to get a better job, or…”

  Now my laugh was bitter. “No, that’s just the job market for you. I’d love to get a better job. I just haven’t been able to find one, and not for lack of trying.”

  “Really?” I could hear the frown in her voice. “Your thesis was so well constructed. I can’t believe agencies haven’t been beating down your door trying to recruit you.”

  “More like zero interest anytime I sent in an application. I actually took the master’s off my resume so I could at least apply for higher-paying retail jobs without them thinking I was overqualified.” I sighed. “And even that got me nowhere.”

  “That’s crazy,” Sydney said. “We should really pick a time to sit down together and just talk about your career. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you have so much potential that’s being wasted at the moment.”

  “Of course I don’t mind. It’s true.” I glanced at the time – I was going to have to leave soon. “But I can’t ask you for that. You’ve done so much for me already, more than I could’ve ever hoped for. Sometimes I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through these past few weeks without you.”

  “Oh, Lora.” Her voice filled with warmth. “I do
n’t know if I’ve told you this before, but I care about you. I consider you a friend. And if I can give you some tips or help you make some networking connections, I’m more than happy to. Truly.”

  I bit my lip. Sometimes it seemed like Sydney was too wonderful to be real. But she was right. If I had a connection to a professor in my field, I would’ve been an idiot to not use it. No one was better-qualified than her to give me career advice. “All right,” I said. “When would you be free?”

  “Whenever you are.”

  Now that she’d put this networking idea in my mind, I actually wanted to do it as soon as possible. And the fact that I’d get to see her again was just an added benefit.

  “How about tonight?” I asked.

  “I’ll clear my schedule.”

  *

  I arrived five minutes early at the coffee shop Sydney had picked out. It was nearer to her place than to mine, which made me feel a tiny bit better about her helping me out. One of these days, I’d find some way to pay her back for everything she’d done for me. Until then, meeting closer to her turf was a small start.

  I also had cat pictures for her. “Look at this,” I said as I sat down, pulling my phone from my purse. “Virginia’s acting up more every day. I think it’s because she misses the world’s best cat-sitter.”

  Sydney peered at the picture, which showed the kitten sitting on the countertop. “She’s gotten huge,” she said. “She’s almost as big as Jamieson.”

  I remembered what she’d told me about the cat she’d had growing up. “Was he a big guy?”

  “Huge,” she laughed nostalgically. “Every time I took him to the vet, they’d yell at me about his weight problem.” She peered at the phone again. “Hey, you got a microwave.”

  “A toaster, too. Still no furniture, though.” I planned to go to IKEA after my next paycheck, although I didn’t know how I’d manage to assemble anything. I was lost when it came to that kind of stuff.

  I was still annoyed that I hadn’t managed to get my coffee table and couch from Chantel. I’d known better than to press her after she got mad the other night. Getting new ones would be better than dealing with her again, even if it’d be a struggle to afford them.