Shatter Me

by Kim Hartfield

  “So, did you bring your resume?” Sydney asked cheerfully.

  “Yep.” I pulled out a folder, which also contained a few of my papers from grad school and my undergrad transcript. “I’ll let you look through that while I get us something to drink. Do you like chai lattes?”

  “Oh, you don’t have to get me anything.”

  I rolled my eyes playfully. “Please! This is the least I can do. Like, the absolute least.”

  “Fair enough.” She glanced at the menu. “I’ll take a vanilla latte, then. Ask them for extra whipped cream on top.”

  I headed over to the counter, still smiling. Getting the latte was one more small nice thing I could do for Sydney – even if the score was a long, long way from being settled.

  Before the break-up, finding a “real” job had been my goal in life. With everything else going on lately, I’d kind of given up. It felt good to think about professional possibilities again.

  I especially liked meeting with Sydney like this. Even though she’d said I was her friend, I generally felt more like her project. She was still helping me, but now it wasn’t because I was the poor, pathetic abuse victim. She was just doing what she must’ve done for countless other graduates. I felt more like her equal.

  As I returned to the table, she looked up and smiled, and warmth surged inside me. When she looked at me like that, I could almost feel like this was a date. Not a super-romantic one or anything. More like an early-stages coffee date where we were still getting to know each other, but both pretty sure that we liked each other.

  I shook my head at myself. Of course this wasn’t a date. Sydney would never be interested in me like that. Besides, she might or might not have someone in her life already. I hadn’t forgotten those two lipstick-stained wine glasses.

  “Here you go,” I said, pushing her latte over to her.

  She tried sipping it, blew on it, and put it back down. “Your credentials are impressive, just like I thought. I would say you could lay your resume out better, though. The way you’ve set it out, your amazingness doesn’t jump out at first glance.”

  I nodded, trying not to blush. She was just exaggerating when she called me amazing. “What would you recommend?”

  For the next half-hour, we were completely in business mode. I listened carefully to her advice, taking detailed notes of every suggestion. She had a lot of issues with my resume and cover letter that I’d never thought of before. On top of that, she critiqued my whole approach to job searching.

  “No one gets a job through cold applications,” she said. “I mean, they do, but it’s rare. You’d be better off to get into some volunteer work with the kind of organizations you’d like to work with. Once you’ve made some connections that way, your foot will be halfway in the door.”

  I nodded. “What do you think of the kind of places I’ve been applying to, though? Should I broaden my search?”

  She opened her mouth to answer, but was cut off by another woman swooping down on our table. She looked to be around Sydney’s age, dressed elegantly with curly hair floating around her face.

  “Karen,” Sydney exclaimed. Even though she spoke with her usual warmth, I knew her well enough to see the stress lines by her eyes. “Do you come here often? I haven’t seen you here before.”

  Karen’s gaze flitted to me, and there was something hard about the way she took me in. “Not often. Is it a problem for you to run into me?”

  “Of course not. Karen, this is Lora – a former student I’m helping out with some career advice.” Sydney’s eyes darted around, making her seem defensive.

  But why would it be a problem for her to run into someone she knew? Was she afraid Karen would think we were on a date?

  Wait… if she was thinking along those lines, did that mean she was interested in Karen? My mind worked frantically, putting puzzle pieces together. The two lipstick-stained wine glasses… the subtle red that decorated Karen’s full lips…

  Karen seemed sophisticated and classy – just the kind of woman I could picture Sydney with. So much for any strange little ideas I’d had about the two of us. Of course nothing was ever going to happen there. I wouldn’t have wanted it to, anyway.

  “We were just about done, weren’t we?” I stood up, almost knocking over my still-half-full chai latte. I wasn’t going to get in the way of Sydney’s actual love life. “I’ll talk to you later, Dr. Burgin.”

  Sydney gave me a plaintive look as I picked up my purse. I didn’t stick around to hear whether she wanted me to stay.

  Twelve – Sydney

  I watched Lora leave, wishing Karen hadn’t picked this moment to show up. Our meeting had been going so well. I’d really felt like Lora and I were getting somewhere with her career aspirations, and I was eager to help her in any way that would lead to her getting a better job. With all of her brains and grit, it was a crime for her to be working at a grocery store.

  I hadn’t been doing anything wrong, and yet the way Karen was looking at me made guilt swell inside me. I couldn’t understand why she was giving me such a judgmental stare. We’d never been exclusive, or even had to discuss it. Since the beginning, we’d mutually understood that our arrangement was nothing more than an occasional fling. We hadn’t even kissed the last time she’d been over!

  She slid into the seat across from me, leaning across the table conspiratorially. “I didn’t think it was true.”

  I blinked. “That what was?”

  “The rumors.” She tucked back a strand of hair. “They’re all over campus.”

  Our university was small, and the queer community was even smaller. People knew people, and when rumors started, they traveled fast. I’d happily passed information through the grapevine many times. I guessed now that was coming back to bite me in the ass.

  “What are the rumors saying?” I asked, my stomach sinking.

  “You and Lora,” she whispered. “Getting together before she even broke up with her girlfriend.”

  “Wait…”

  “It’s not that I’m jealous or anything,” she said. “I know I never had a claim on you. I was just surprised. I would’ve thought you’d act more ethically, you know? That poor woman is heartbroken.”

  Poor Chantel? I had to set the record straight. “I don’t know exactly what you heard, or from where, but it’s wrong,” I said firmly. “Lora and I aren’t seeing each other now, and we never have. Certainly not while she was in a relationship. I would never do something like that.”

  Karen frowned, and I could tell she wasn’t convinced.

  “And Chantel is no innocent.” I didn’t want to reveal what she’d done to Lora – that was private, and I knew she’d hate people knowing about the abuse. “Chantel was terrible to her. She broke up with her for good reason.”

  “You’re saying Lora is the one who dumped Chantel? That’s not what I heard.”

  “Exactly.” I bit my lip. “Where did you even hear about this? Who’s talking about Lora?”

  “Only every lesbian in town,” Karen said. “And it’s not just her. They’re talking about both of you.”

  *

  At home, I paced around my condo. If Virginia was still here, this would’ve been a good moment for some cuddles. I knew I couldn’t keep what Karen had said to myself – but God, I didn’t want to be the one to break it to Lora.

  Eventually I texted her a brief summary of what Karen had told me. I put my phone down and picked up the vacuum cleaner, intending to start a deep clean. Less than a minute later, though, the phone rang.

  “I’m so sorry,” Lora said without even greeting me. “It’s just like Chantel to twist things around and make herself out to be the victim. She shouldn’t have dragged you into this, though. She’s gone too far.”

  “She shouldn’t have dragged you into it.” I gripped my phone, my other hand forming a fist. “You should be mad when she mistreats you, not just me.”

  “I guess I feel like I asked for it. I’m the one who dated her. You didn�
�t do anything but try to help.”

  I hated the hopelessness in her voice. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and not let go until she felt better. “You didn’t deserve any of this. Please don’t think for a second that you did.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore. She’s already spread the rumors. I’m going to have to beg her to take them back.”

  “No!” I covered my mouth. “Don’t speak to her – don’t engage with her. That’s what she wants, don’t you see?”

  There was a long pause before Lora replied. “I guess you’re right… but what am I supposed to do? Just let her tell lies about me?”

  I didn’t like the idea of letting this go, either. The entire lesbian community was going to think I was the type of person to help Lora cheat. But that would be better than her getting back with Chantel. “I think that’s all you can do. I told Karen she had everything all wrong, but I’m not sure if she believed me. I didn’t want to give her any details.”

  Now there was desperation in her voice. “What if I told people the truth about the abuse?”

  “I don’t even know if that would help,” I said honestly.

  “Then what can I do?” She choked back a sob. “Sydney, tell me what to do!”

  My own eyes were filling, and I sank down onto my couch. “Lora, honey, I wish I could.”

  Thirteen – Lora

  Maybe I could’ve taken Sydney’s advice if running into Karen had been an isolated incident. Maybe I could’ve left things alone and not worried about what other people may or may not have been saying about me.

  But by the end of the week, I’d gotten two Facebook messages about the rumors from grad school classmates and a phone call from a guy I’d known from the campus LGBT center. I’d even bagged groceries for an older, married lesbian I’d met socially, and while she hadn’t directly said anything about the gossip, I’d seen something suspicious in the way she peered at me.

  If people were talking about me this way, they had to be talking about Sydney, too. I couldn’t stand the thought of her getting caught up in the swirling rumors. I had to set the record straight.

  I had to call Chantel.

  I sat cross-legged on my mattress, mentally preparing myself to call. I still hadn’t shelled out for a bed frame, which meant I was staring at a blank wall as I talked myself into dialing. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was going to keep this short and to the point. I wouldn’t get angry or emotional.

  And I was only calling for Sydney’s sake. Not because I missed Chantel.

  Steeling my nerves, I pressed “dial.”

  Chantel answered on the first ring, and her voice sent frissons through my body. Even just saying “hello,” that voice brought so many memories back to me.

  “This isn’t a social call,” I said, sticking to the script I’d carefully prepared. “I’m calling because I heard you’ve been talking about me. What you’ve been saying is a lie, and you know it. I want you to tell everyone what really happened.”

  Chantel sniffed. “I haven’t been telling any lies. All I said to anyone was that you cheated on me and I kicked you out. And I only told a few friends, so I can’t help if anyone else heard it from them.”

  “I never cheated on you.” My voice was already rising, and I hated it. I’d sworn she wasn’t going to get under my skin this time, so how was it so easy for her? “I broke up with you because you abused me mentally and physically. I wasn’t seeing anyone at that point, and I’m not now, either.”

  “Then why did I hear you were out having coffee with Sydney Burgin the other night?”

  Had Sydney’s friend reported back to Chantel? “We were having a platonic meeting about my career, not that it’s any of your business.”

  “Of course it’s my business,” she said softly. “I care about you, Lora. I love you.”

  “If you loved me, you never would’ve done the things you did to me.”

  She hesitated. “I can admit I wasn’t always the perfect girlfriend.”

  Not perfect? She’d pushed me into a wall… but I stayed quiet.

  “I understand why you don’t want to be with me right now. Like I told you, you can take as long as you need, and I’ll be here waiting. I just don’t want to see some older woman taking advantage of you in the meantime.”

  There was so much wrong with what she was saying. I had zero plans to go back to her – even if her promises of eternal devotion still tugged at my heartstrings. And Sydney taking advantage of me? That was a joke.

  “You have nothing to worry about,” I said flatly. “Just tell people that you got the facts wrong. You don’t have to say you lied. Do it for me, Chantel. You say you care about me, so… please?” I twisted the hem of my shirt between my fingers.

  Another pause. “How about this? I’ll make you a deal.” She sounded nervous, or was that just an act? “Go to dinner with me, and I’ll tell everyone I got the facts wrong.”

  It was just like her to try to bargain with me over something like this. “Do you mean like a date?” I asked, half-thrilled, half-sarcastic. “Are you trying to bribe me into going on a date with you?”

  “Not a date,” she quickly said, making my stomach inexplicably drop. “I miss you, baby. I’d do anything to spend some time with you.”

  My mind whirled. If I went to dinner with her and there was nothing between us, maybe she’d finally leave me alone. Or maybe she’d convince me that she was right – that I was destined to be with her.

  Both options were scary, the second more so than the first… and yet, now that she’d put the idea into my head, I didn’t want to let it go.

  “Something simple,” I said finally. “No five-course meals. Closer to Popeye’s than to Pierre Tremblay’s.”

  “That’s fine, baby.” She sounded smug now, as if she’d had no doubt I’d say yes. “As long as I get to see you, I’ll be happy.”

  *

  True to form, Chantel had ignored my wishes and chosen the most upscale restaurant in Bayridge – the expensive one on the penthouse floor of the Graham-Waites building. I clutched my purse as I stepped into the elevator. I couldn’t afford a single appetizer here, never mind a drink.

  My fears vanished as I saw Chantel waiting at a table. She was right by the floor-to-ceiling window, but I didn’t even notice the view. I had eyes only for her.

  She’d cut her hair since I’d seen her last – from shoulder-length to a pixie cut that brought out her eyes and cheekbones. She was wearing more make-up than usual, eyeliner and mascara, which made me feel warm inside. She’d put in that effort because she was seeing me.

  “This place is ridiculous,” I said as I sat down. “I told you I didn’t want anything fancy.”

  She reached for my hand, wincing when I pulled it away. “I wasn’t going to take you somewhere cheap. I had to show you what you mean to me. Don’t worry about the bill, of course. I’m paying.”

  I quickly considered ordering every item on the menu. It’d serve her right, after the amount of time I’d spent worrying about money over the past few weeks. But no, that kind of petty revenge wasn’t right for this situation. The best revenge would be to get through dinner, move on, and never talk to her again.

  “That’s very generous.” I opened the menu and pretended to study it, unable to focus enough to understand any of the choices.

  “I can order for you.” She put her hand on the menu, creating a gentle downward pressure that hinted that I should put it down. “I know what you like.”

  How had I already forgotten how she always liked to order for me? It’d only been a few weeks, and I’d already gotten used to ordering for myself. “That’s okay, actually. Maybe my tastes have changed.”

  She drew back, her eyes piercing through me. “Whatever you’d like.”

  Breaking free of her gaze, I looked out the window. From here, we could see the city stretching out in all directions. There was a big city out there. A big world. And for so long, mine had reduced to the woman sit
ting in front of me.

  She wasn’t the focal point of my life anymore. I wasn’t going to let her get in my head again.

  At least, I hoped I could keep her out.

  When the waiter came, I still had no idea what was on the menu. I asked for the house wine and the day’s special, despite not having listened to what it was.

  “I thought you hated salmon,” Chantel said, tracing a finger along the rim of her glass.

  Damn. I was going to have to choke it down – and she really did know me far too well. “Like I said, maybe my tastes have changed.” I smiled tightly.

  We made small talk for a few minutes while we waited for the food and then began to eat. Chatting casually gave me an odd feeling since our last few conversations had been full of anger and animosity.

  Being in her presence again was calming, though, and the wine helped me to relax. Soon my shoulders untensed and I even found myself laughing at an anecdote from her accounting office. I’d missed hearing daily updates on her quirky coworkers.

  Don’t forget what she did to you, I reminded myself. Forcing you to say you were stupid… pushing you up against the wall…

  But that had been a whole different woman from the one sitting across from me. When I looked at her, I could only see a friendly, bubbly, warm-hearted soul. I scrutinized her face, trying to find something underneath her smile that hinted at the evil I knew lay within. There was nothing there.

  She must’ve noticed me analyzing her, because she pushed her food aside and laid her hands palm-up on the table. “You know, I’ve had a lot of time to think about our relationship and where I went wrong.” She spoke softly and sincerely. “I know I didn’t always treat you like I should’ve. I’ve reflected on myself and I’ve changed, Lora. If you came back to me, I swear I’d never do anything wrong to you again.”

  A tear slipped from my eye. She was saying everything I wanted so desperately to hear – the only question was whether I could believe her.