Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  “Makes sense,” Ryan said after a moment. “And the second thing?”

  “We’re on Mars, love. We can just use one of the doors already here. You ready?”

  She didn’t wait for an answer, walking over to the door and opening it. Outside was the red dust of the Martian soil. He’d expected it to be whipping abound in a massive sandstorm - that’s how it always looked in movies - but in reality, the air looked still. He followed, unable to stop himself from running to leap out into the red dust that covered this world.

  It wasn’t much to look at, if he was being honest, but that didn’t matter. Christmas had come early, and Santa had brought him a Nintendo, a puppy that his parents would take care of but would still love him more, every Lego set ever made, and a heaping pile of chocolate. I am on Mars. That thought sent an electric thrill through him. Like three quarters of all the little boys in America, he’d once dreamed of being an astronaut, and of being the first person to set foot on Mars. Now, he was here!

  And didn’t have a spacesuit, or enough air. The thin air on Earth’s celestial neighbor made him feel like every breath was being sucked through a straw. He gasped a few times, and he started to feel lightheaded, like he might faint.

  “Ryan,” Crystal said, her voice rendered tinny in the thin air, like it was coming from far away. “Stop. You don’t need it, remember?”

  Crystal’s voice was an anchor, something he could grab onto. He clenched and unclenched his fists to steady himself. She’s not breathing, and she’s as real as you are. You’re not just a guy anymore, Ryan. You can do this. It wasn’t easy. For thirty years, Ryan had been in the habit of breathing in and out. Stopping - in a way that wasn’t holding his breath - was as easy as blinking your ears. Crystal watched with amusement as he practiced. He noticed that her chest was completely still, undisturbed by the usual rush of air.

  Finally, after what was probably fifteen minutes of gasping and holding his breath, but felt like a full day, he was able to overcome the idea he needed to inhale. Another ten get him used to not thinking he needed to exhale. Finally, he stood back on his feet. “Gonna take a while to get used to this,” he muttered. Crystal nodded in sympathy.

  “I spent a month on the moon to finally overcome the feeling that I needed air. It’s a tough one - it’ll feel weird for a while.”

  “Wait, if we aren’t breathing, how are we talking?” He saw Crystal’s face and raised his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, rolling with it. But here’s a question that doesn’t require a special god-brain to understand, I hope. Why isn’t Mars windy? I thought it was always windy, but I’m just feeling a gentle breeze”

  She did grin at that one. “Oh, that’s easy. Air up here is super thin, so that ‘gentle breeze’ is going at almost fifty kilometers an hour. If it picks up much more, it’ll start whipping up the dust since that’s so light, but we aren’t going to get blown around.”

  “Nice to get an answer, at least,” Ryan said. “So…” he turned around and saw what the doorway was built into. It was the side of a cliff, but the entrance was square, and dozens of other square holes dotted the cliff-face. “What the hell?”

  Crystal smiled. “Remnants of the Martians, a couple cycles ago. Most of what they built has completely eroded long ago, but these cliffs are pretty resilient.”

  “There was life on Mars?”

  “Oh, yeah. Tons of it, actually. Definitely ran a lot colder than life on Earth, but they were some beautiful creatures, from what I’ve heard. Before my time of course, but from what I was told, there were two different species of Martians back then.”

  “What happened?”

  She shrugged. “The Eschaton before me didn’t like life on Mars and Venus, so he or she turned Mars into a barren wasteland, and ran temperatures on Venus to a few hundred degrees above ‘the ninth circle of hell.’ And when it was my turn at it, I was kinda in a rush. Had to make sure the sun didn’t explode, yeah? So no time to make it possible again.”

  “Oh.”

  She smiled then. “If we get done with this whole Enki business, love, and time allows, we could totally get the ball rolling on that. Let there be life on three of the worlds in our little corner of the universe, maybe even Titan and Europa.”

  He felt a bit overwhelmed at that and had to sit back down in the dust of Mars. “But...is there other life, out there?”

  “Of course, love.” She gave him a big smile. “Why do you think the other stars haven’t gone supernova? Only time it happens is when some Eschaton doesn’t do their job right. Shame that the Eschaton always happens before contact between stars can be made, though.”

  He could feel the anxiety creeping up and held up a hand. “Too much, Crystal. I’m overloading.”

  “Not surprised. You’ll keep learning, but for now, love, let’s get some practice. Let's see if you can start a rainstorm on Mars.”

  It wasn’t easy. He had to find the traces of water in the atmosphere, then begin copying it by splitting apart other molecules. The equations that danced in front of his vision were complicated beyond belief, but instinct told him which variables to change, and after a bit…

  After a bit, for the first time in the memory of every single living being currently in the cosmos, water fell on Mars.

  Crystal laughed in delight, clapping her hands in the rain. “That’s it, love, that’s it. Have you ever seen anything like this?!”

  He had to laugh with her. The Martian rain reflected the dimmer sun oddly, catching dust particles so every ray was turned into a stream of shimmering rubies.

  They spent the next few hours playing with the storm, creating tornados of thin but wet air, watching the dust turn to mud. Crystal began to use that soup to teach him how to shape matter directly, manipulating the systems that governed what shape it was in - the same kind of tricks Enki had used to make chains from pipes. It wasn’t long before a mudball fight broke out, each of them launching the globs back and forth with divine power as opposed to their hands.

  For a moment, Ryan was able to forget about the impending doom that waited. For now, he just had fun.

  ◆◆◆

  While Crystal and Ryan were playing in the mud of Mars, Enki was getting responses to his missive. It’s nice to see how much people sit up and take notice when you say “save the world.” Enki had set the meeting in an old temple hidden in the deserts where his people had once resided. A temple that had been untouched by humanity for millennia, owing to it having been buried in the Deluge.

  The interior had been cleaned out, a project Enki had completed around the time Columbus was introducing the Americas to the wonders of European expansionism and smallpox. The lights in here were electric, which had been a later project, but everything else retained vestiges of its former splendor. Seven frescos adorned the walls, depicting seven gods. Well, depicting most of them. Enki had scratched off the face of one of them.

  Your sacrifice wasn’t in vain, my friends. I’m going to finish what I started. He ignored the scarred fresco. Ishtar had defied him. Continued to defy him.

  Well, history would show who had chosen the winning side, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be Ishtar.

  ​Thinking about the Americas made Enki wonder if any of the deities from there would turn up, and if so, which side they would be on. Quetzalcoatl was always a wildcard, being a pretty benevolent guy aside from the whole human sacrifice thing. Coyote, like all the tricksters - Anansi, Loki, Kitsune, the whole lot of them - was also unpredictable. The others? Enki frowned. The Mayans love their cycles. They might go with Ishtar. Aztecs? Damn, I dunno. They never liked either of us. What about-

  ​Enki’s thoughts were interrupted by a doorway opening in one of the empty archways of his home. You know, you’re going to have to abandon this place after this one meeting. Too many hurt feelings after you’re done.

  ​Enki put on a smile for the god that stepped out. Týr. He gleamed. His hair was long and a sandy-brown, his chin perfectly cleft, his armor shinin
g in the light...even his teeth were perfectly clean by god standards. Týr cut a dashing figure.

  “Týr!” Enki boomed and walked over to him, clapping him on the back. “So good of you to show up. Surprised you’re still going with armor - figured you would have moved on to spandex by now.”

  Týr laughed. Most gods chose one face to wear as their main visage throughout the millennia, but Týr changed his constantly to keep up with the current image of “heroism” wherever he went. “Superheroes are a fad, Enki. They’ve only been around for what, seventy years? I’m sticking with the knight in shining armor. If I’m wrong about the costumed folk, if they’re still popular in another century, then I’ll consider taking up the cape and spandex.”

  “And if you do, I’ll never stop calling you a ponce.” That voice was from the woman behind Týr, walking out of his nanoverse. Them arriving together was a detail that caught Enki off guard. It didn’t matter, not really, but if they were together, were they together? It could be a complication. Enki pushed the thought aside. It might be a complication, but it wouldn’t be a problem for the overall plan.

  “Never,” the woman repeated as she stepped the rest of the way out and into the light. Athena, goddess of wisdom and war. She had the long, dark hair of the Mediterranean, but her most striking feature were her eyes. She’d kept them gray, and they were so noticeable she’d even been called by poets “Gray Eyed Athena.” Enki had wondered a time or two how she managed to make them so prominent. He’d tried a few times but he always came across as bug eyed.

  Not that Enki looked like he normally did. The more bestial appearance he favored these days was entirely practical - longer arms for greater reach when fighting, slightly shorter legs to reduce how vulnerable he was down there, small eyes to minimize those weak spots. He could even travel on all fours if needed while still appearing fairly human. But that’s not how he appeared for this meeting. He looked more like the god he had been, back in Sumeria. Once I’m done, I’ll be able to look like this all the time. After all, who could possibly oppose me? “Athena!” He offered his hand to her as well, and she took it with a smirk. “So glad you’re here too. With you two, it won’t take much more to crush this lunatic.”

  Athena shrugged. “I’d rather not underestimate an enemy before we’ve taken a measure of his worth.”

  “Still,” Týr interjected, smiling at both of them, “it’s good that we’ll be able to rely upon each other. I must admit, Enki, I was glad to get your missive. Rumor had spread you were...not quite on our side anymore.”

  Enki’s grin didn’t waiver in the slightest. “I did lose my way, Týr. But I’ve gotten it back. It’s good to be on the side of the angels again.” Enki paused and laughed, “Of course, not the literal angels. That’s a damn mess, everything with Heaven and Hell right now.”

  “We stay out of those fights, Enki,” Athena said. Her eyes were narrowing slightly. Reel it in, Enki. He cautioned himself. The ham might work on Týr, but you’re rubbing Athena the wrong way.

  “Don’t worry, Athena, this doesn’t involve them.”

  Another doorway opened. The woman who stepped out of this one was of a slightly smaller build than Athena, with her hair jet black. She’d done it up carefully to give it the appearance of cat ears, and her eyes were emerald.

  “Bast!” Enki shouted, going over to her to shake her hand, doing his best to seem pleasantly surprised she’d actually shown, as he had for Týr and Athena.

  Of course, unlike the other two, there had been no doubt Bast would arrive. She took the proffered hand and clasped it firmly. “Enki, it’s been too long,” she lied, glancing past him to the other two. “Týr! Athena! How have you been?”

  Athena snorted. “Last I saw you, Bast, you were ready to murder Marc Antony for what happened with your favorite queen. Now you’re happy to see me?”

  Bast shrugged. “That was over two thousand years ago. I’m not Hera, Athena. I don’t hold grudges that long.”

  Mentioning Hera seemed to have the effect Enki suspected Bast was going for. Instead of being focused on her millennia old grudge with Bast, Athena was now occupied with an entirely different millennia old grudge. Nicely done, Enki thought. Anything to distract Athena was worth it right now.

  Týr put an arm around Athena’s shoulder. Enki watched it carefully. It wasn’t a lover’s embrace. It was friendly, reassuring. Better, Enki thought. Lovers were more complicated. “Enki,” Týr said, trying to change the topic so blatantly he should have just cleared his throat, “you said you had a plan?”

  Enki nodded and gestured, summoning a table and chairs. “Have a seat, Týr. Trust me on this one - we’re going to get him with no problem.” The other gods joined Enki at the table. As Týr and Athena sat, Enki met Bast’s eyes and gave her the barest of nods.

  Regardless of what they discussed here, the real plan was on.

  Chapter 8

  Unwanted Attention

  "Oh, I've gotten word from Nabu."

  Crystal's voice startled Ryan enough that he almost dropped his book on his face. After training, he had some Hungers, so he'd taken care of most of them and was now reading to fill the need for Company. Crystal hadn't been up for any kind of socializing - instead, she'd gone to sleep, saying she hadn’t burned quite enough power to be worth a proper recharge but some rest would do well enough. He'd hadn't realized she'd woken from her trance, let alone gone over to the panels.

  "Great, what's it say?" He didn't want to let her know how he'd jumped, but from the grin on her face he knew she already did.

  "Enki’s getting some responses. Týr, Bast, and Athena. Good news is we've got at least one interested party - Moloch's in."

  Ryan bit his cheek for a moment in thought. "Uh...I'm not exactly a mythology nerd, but isn't Athena a good goddess?"

  Crystal nodded. "Oh, yeah. Just and wise. Týr you'd probably also call good, he's all about heroism. And Bast too, yeah? She's big into protecting people, from back when she was guarding the Lower Kingdom."

  "Right. Okay." Ryan furrowed his brow. "And Moloch...wasn't he a demon?"

  "Yup! But don't worry about that, love. That's just Judeo-Christian propaganda - when they got big, they started calling tons of us demons, yeah?"

  Ryan let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, good, because I was worried-"

  "Of course, he was big on human sacrifice, so he's not exactly hugs and cuddles, yeah? But he's mellowed on that in the last millennia."

  "Oh."

  She looked up at Ryan and pursed her lips. "You're not happy with that one, are you? And don't bother, love, I know that look - you can't just roll with it."

  Ryan nodded, frowning. "It's just...Enki's getting a lot more response than we are. Three to one, and it doesn't sound like our one response is a particularly nice god."

  "He's not." Crystal shook her head, not in negation, just brushing away an errant thought. "I mean, he's better than he used to be, but...yeah, his nanoverse is a nasty place. He's been trying to reform it some, though."

  "Wait, what do you mean?"

  "He's...look, love, a lot of the old morality is gonna go out the window right now. Every god or goddess that wants to protect humanity, no matter what? They're gonna go with Enki, yeah?" Her brow furrowed at that. "I'm the only one who remembers how badly that worked last time, love." The forehead smoothed. "Of course, on the other hand there will be all the gods or goddesses that are just terrified you're gonna hit the reset button like I did. So you'll have selfish and good reasons for being over there."

  "Well, okay, but-"

  Crystal was relentless, "and in our corner, we're gonna get two types, too. Those that know there's nothing else to do, that this is the way it's gotta be - and then ones like Moloch, who is probably hoping you're gonna go big. Ice age, plague, meteor impact - major slaughter event. So good reasons and psycho ones on our side, yeah?"

  "Okay, Crystal, I get it."

  She smiled, with a hint of mischief in her eye. "Good. Any more qu
estions?"

  "Yeah, but you're asking so you can tell me to roll with it."

  That got a genuine laugh out of Crystal. "Hole in one, love."

  Ryan noticed at that moment that his nanoverse was getting big and gave it a squeeze. He savored the barrage of sensation, and a small part of his mind wondered if he was getting addicted to it. It was still the most phenomenal feeling he could have ever imagined. For a moment he wallowed in feeling like he had taken a sip of liquid thunder that had been strained through solid gold and cut with chunks carved out of a rainbow. "Does that ever become less of a rush?"

  "Not really. But you'll start doing it less often - it’s rare you drain yourself all the way down to no power. Your body stores a little bit each time, and that builds up. I haven’t done it in years."

  Ryan wanted to ask about life in his nanoverse, but the look in Crystal's eyes told him that he knew the answer. "Okay. But...Crystal, what do we do next? I mean, are we just going to gather up a bunch of gods and goddesses, have a big old punch-up with Enki, then end the world?"

  "I've been thinking about that. We need to get back to Earth, find out what Enki's up to. He's a crafty wanker, and if we're not careful he'll sucker-punch us right when we don't notice it."

  He nodded. "But how do we avoid him finding us right away? Hell, how did he find us last time?"

  "It's easy to detect when a door opens somewhere, if you know to look. But right now lots of deities are popping in and out of their doors, chatting about the upcoming dust-up. Makes it impossible to know who is opening what door, so we should be able to sneak in without him knowing it's us, yeah?"

  "That...makes a ton of sense, actually. Then let’s go." Ryan settled back, grabbing his book to wait for the ride to Earth.

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