Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  "Well, I didn't expect it to be this bloody easy," Crystal commented, rolling her eyes. They'd stepped out into an alley, and the first thing that happened had been Ryan's phone going insane. Apparently, cell reception in Crystal's planetarium ship - or, you know, on Mars - wasn't the best. He'd checked his alerts - friends were all sharing the latest viral video and tagging him in it. His sister had also sent him about a dozen messages on every social platform, demanding to know what the hell was going on, but he got distracted by the video.

  It showed the fight from that derelict gas station. Ryan thought back to it and was pretty damn sure there wasn't anyone with a camera present, which raised the question of how Enki had gotten the video. He also was sure Enki didn't look like that. Sure, the man in the video had echoes of Enki in his features, but only if you assume the fight had knocked all the ugly out of Enki with so much force it had disrupted space-time and made him retroactively handsome. He...looks more like the photo of that bas-relief, Ryan realized with a start. This must be the man the people of ancient Sumeria saw. Not the brute Ryan had faced before, but a man of refinement and dignity with an air of somber gravitas.

  To make matters worse, newer and prettier Enki was currently doing a live interview with the American News Channel.

  "Oh, bloody hell, this is so much absolute bullshit," Crystal muttered.

  Enki in the interview was not the Enki Crystal and Ryan knew. He was smooth, handsome, and articulate.

  "So you see, Gail," Enki was remarking to the younger woman sitting across the desk from him, while a still of the lightning bolt coming out of the sky sat in the background. "We have decided that we were tired of hiding, tired of protecting humanity from the shadows." He gave a smile that was so perfect, Ryan half expected his teeth to make a little ting with a lens flare effect. "Myself, Athena, Týr, and Bast are the first to step forward."

  "I see. And you are all actually the mythological figures?" The reporter, to her credit, didn't sound like she was swallowing the story hook line and sinker, but wasn't dismissing the whole thing out of hand like Ryan wished she would. The problem, Ryan thought with his lips curling into a sour frown, is that Enki has just enough truth on his side to make his story seem plausible.

  "Of course." His smile managed to somehow widen, even though it seemed it was already stretched to its maximum. "And don't worry, we aren't expecting to be worshipped like we were in times of old. We just want to help."

  "And you've demonstrated some impressive powers so far. But tell me, Enki, why wait until now?"

  Enki motioned, somehow, to exactly where the box was on the screen. "Because of reactionary elements like these two. Cruel beings who want nothing more than to destroy the entire world and watch humanity suffer."

  "Hey!" Ryan interjected, unable to stop himself from shouting at the tiny screen, "I don't want people to suffer! Just...the first one." Ryan paused at this, frowning. It was hard to argue with Enki right now. There were two sides to this conflict. One that wanted to end the world, and one that didn’t. Granted, he and Crystal were trying to save the people on the world in the process, but most people would miss the nuance there. “I mean, I don’t want to end the world, I just...kind of have to?”

  Ryan’s head was starting to hurt.

  Crystal made a shushing noise at Ryan. Ryan frowned. Are you the bad guy? That question seemed to be the more relevant one. Ryan knew his own motives. He knew he wanted to save the world. But...how could he trust Crystal? If Crystal was lying, Enki would have used that during the fight. It wasn’t much to pin faith on, but it was something. Something concrete, a real reason to trust Crystal over Enki. Besides, only one of them had tried to kill Ryan, and it sure wasn’t Crystal.

  Enki was still speaking, "...calls herself Crystal now, but in the old days she was Ishtar, goddess of wanton fornication and murder." Ryan risked a glance at Crystal, and noticed a vein was throbbing in her forehead.

  “I was a fertility goddess, you git,” she hissed to herself.

  Enki continued, "The man, on the other hand, isn't old like most of us. He's new, probably about thirty. Ryan Smith. But your people have been warned about him, and know him by another name."

  Oh no please don't go where I think you're going with that.

  Gail was leaning forward, caught up in Enki's charisma.

  "And who is he?"

  "I believe your bible refers to him as the Antichrist."

  Ryan’s jaw dropped open. Okay, at least now I know he’s full of shit. Calling Ryan the Antichrist wasn’t the kind of move someone with the right argument made. It was what you did when you wanted to rile people up, whip them into a fury. It was what you did when you needed people to react with emotion, not reason. It was the domain of slick TV Evangelicals, of grasping politicians. Ryan knew damn well he wasn’t the Antichrist. And man does it suck to be called that. How many people would believe Enki? He had powers, he was something extra normal. It was easier to believe it when Enki said Antichrist than when some random guy did.

  On the screen, professionalism had flown out the window as Gail let out an audible gasp, and Ryan wondered if Enki was manipulating her somehow. She seemed to realize how over the top that had been and took a moment to compose herself. "So, if that's true...I mean, you're trying to imply that..."

  Enki nodded somberly. "Yes. Armageddon is here, and this man will bring it about." He turned to the camera. "If you know this man, we've set up a hotline for any information about him. Please, if you see him, call us, but do not engage - he has the power of a god, and will kill you."

  "Well, thank you for that." The camera zoomed in on Gail's face. "Right now, Enki's companions - this ‘New Pantheon,’ are currently at labs across the country, providing additional verification of their abilities. We go now to Chad in Atlanta, where Bast is-"

  "Turn it off," Crystal said. Her voice was an angry growl that Ryan didn't expect to hear from her. "Turn the bloody thing off."

  Ryan did. "How bad is this?"

  "It's pretty bad, love. He's just turned the entire sodding planet into his spies against us. And when he finds out we're working with Moloch..."

  "I doubt he'll hold back on mentioning the whole 'used to kill children' thing." Ryan could feel a headache building.

  "Right." Crystal leaned against the wall and rubbed her own temples.

  “Crystal, are you sure we should be working with Moloch? I mean, I know we’re hard up for help, but...literal murderer?”

  Crystal shrugged. “I’m sure we don’t have anyone else, Ryan. I’ve never worked with him before - only his own pantheon, the old gods of Canaan really did - but…” Crystal trailed off and shrugged. “He’s better than not having any help, yeah?”

  Ryan rubbed the back of his neck. “Is he, though? I mean, really.”

  “Look, we’re meeting with him soon. After that’s all done, love, if you're not convinced, we’re done. Okay?”

  Ryan nodded. It wasn’t ideal, but he could live with it. “Okay, sure.”

  Crystal turned back to the phone, where the talking heads were starting to discuss Enki’s interview. "Okay. How do we deal with this?"

  Ryan almost recoiled from the question. "You’re asking me?"

  "Yeah. Love, this is a media thing, yeah? I had to hire someone to build me a website; you know more about viral videos and all that than I do."

  Ryan looked at the ground, thinking hard. Enki had backed them into a corner here - if they wanted to be able to move on Earth, they'd have to deal with tons of eyes looking out for them. At first the situation seemed absolutely hopeless, like they were trying to wrestle the entire planet at once, but bit by bit an idea began to occur to him.

  "He gave my name, and they have my face," he said, every word carefully chosen to try not to break the fragile idea as it formed.

  "Right. And?"

  Ryan began scrolling through his phone. Tons of missed calls and voicemails, some from friends, but others from numbers across the country Ryan didn
't know.

  "And that means some of these calls are from reporters. I think, Crystal, our best bet is to play his game." He smiled and held up the phone.

  Crystal groaned. “If you’re going where I think you’re going with this, love, I’m going to regret giving you the lead here.”

  “I don’t like it any more than you do, Crystal. Honestly.” Ryan shrugged. “But it’s the game Enki’s playing, and it’s the only way to keep up. Everyone’s going to be looking to us as well since he fed the media his line of bullshit - only thing to do is get some of those people on our side. Unless you want to be hunted by most of the damn planet?”

  “Damnit, damnit. Fine,” Crystal sighed. “Find us a reporter, love.”

  Ryan started scrolling through his phone. It didn’t take long to find a reporter wanting to do an interview. In fact, the hardest part was sifting through the voicemails looking for the one in particular he was hoping to get - and after a bit, he found it, listening to the voicemail with a wide grin.

  "Found it. Give me just one moment."

  Crystal nodded. Ryan still hadn't mastered - or practiced, or even thought of in days - the skill that both Nabu and Enki had used to be invisible and intangible to normal people, so she kept a lookout while using that trick.

  Ryan dialed the number.

  "Mr. Smith?" The voice on the other end sounded excited, the same upbeat tones he’d heard coming out of his voicemail. Gail. There was a nice “screw you” in using the same reporter Enki had, and for the plan to work, it needed to be easy for Enki to find them.

  "Speaking. Did I reach Gail Pittman?"

  "Yes. Mr. Smith, millions have heard Enki's side of things, but I'm sure you have your own story."

  Ryan nodded, then realized she couldn't see him, but kept nodding anyway for a moment because he'd already started so might as well keep at it. "That's why I'm calling. But we - that is to say, Crystal and I - we don't want to do it at your studio. Too exposed."

  There was a moment of silence as Gail thought the implication of his statement. Ryan didn’t do anything to interrupt that thought process or to try and nudge it in the direction he wanted to go, instead waiting for her to come to the right conclusion on her own. "You're worried Enki will attack the studio?"

  "Exactly. Not the most heroic choice on his part, but he has a pretty bad hate-on for us. Honestly, I think I'd be flattered if it wasn't so murderous."

  Gail let out a huff of air that might have been amusement. "I'd still need to have my cameraman present."

  Ryan glanced at Crystal, who was still scanning the street. "That would be fine with us. There's an abandoned warehouse I'm going to give you the address to."

  This actually got a laugh. "Mr. Smith, you want to meet at an abandoned warehouse? Slightly cliché, don't you think?"

  "Well...how do you usually interview people being hunted by a cabal of gods and with a chunk of the planet thinking they're evil?"

  A moment's hesitation. "Conference room in a hotel. I have one I use for interviewees in town who don't want to come into the station. I'll give you the location."

  "Give me a moment?" Without waiting for a response, Ryan put his phone on mute, turning to Crystal, "She wants us to go to a hotel, instead of a warehouse."

  Crystal cocked her head, then nodded. "Warehouse was just the first idea I had, yeah? As long as Enki doesn't know where we are right away - and the studio is too bloody obvious, he'll have watchers - we should be safe."

  Ryan unmuted the phone. "Sure, we can do that. Tell us where."

  Gail provided the location and told them she'd be there in two hours. Plenty of time to get there and scout for possible threats before they went on TV.

  Crystal frowned at the news. "Okay, I guess that's alright then."

  "Everything okay? You don't seem particularly thrilled at this."

  She shrugged, then shook her head. "I'm not. I've stayed out of the public eye since the days of Sumeria, love. The idea of appearing on camera? Bloody terrifying, I won't lie. On top of that, I don't like that we're still reacting to Enki, yeah?"

  "I hear you, really. But look at the bright side - we're gonna end the world after we deal with Enki, so it's not like being on camera will matter for long, right?"

  That got a laugh out of Crystal, one of those short, shocked ones you make at jokes you weren't supposed to laugh at because they weren't appropriate, but still found funny. Ryan was glad it went over well with her - joking about the end of the world made his stomach churn, but she'd needed it.

  "Thanks for that. C'mon, then. Let’s meet Moloch, then I'm ready for my bloody prime time debut."

  ◆◆◆

  Ryan had tried to go into the meeting with Moloch with an open mind. They connected in Detroit, in an abandoned apartment building that was housing a variety of squatters and other people society did its level best to forget existed. If any of them claimed to see this meeting, they’d be disbelieved. The logic made sense, but given what Moloch had done in the past, the idea of meeting him surrounded by people who could just vanish without a fuss put Ryan’s teeth on edge. Steady now, Ryan. Crystal said he’s better now. Ryan thought back over Crystal’s words. Or...did she ever say he stopped it altogether?

  ​He couldn’t remember. To Ryan, it seemed that no longer a murderer is the kind of detail you’d want to make explicitly clear.

  ​The apartment Moloch was waiting in for them was about as terrible as the hallway outside suggested. Moldy rugs, yellowing, flaking wallpaper, a half-trashed card table with crusty stains on its surface that Ryan tried not think about. Instead, he did his best to focus on their new ally. Moloch at least fit the room, and his appearance did nothing to ease Ryan’s misgivings. Moloch wore a suit, but it looked like it had seen better days. Probably in the 1800’s, Ryan thought with a sour twist to his lips. The man wearing it didn’t inspire much more confidence. He was tall and thin, with stringy hair and rotted teeth. His fingers looked almost skeletal, they were so thin, and they twitched spasmodically when Crystal entered behind Ryan. He glanced at them with eyes sunken deep into his head. “Were you followed?”

  ​Damnit, even his voice is grating. It was sickeningly wet, like it two slabs of beef sliding against each other. “Of course not, love, we just popped out of our nanoverses,” Crystal answered as Ryan groped for his words.

  ​For her part, Crystal seemed perfectly at ease. Ryan reminded himself that there was no reason to be on edge. Moloch was offering to help them. There was no need to judge him for how he looked.

  ​Moloch met his gaze, and Ryan flushed. You’re being a dick, Ryan, he chided himself. “Thanks for answering our letter, Moloch.”

  ​“Of course, of course. Enki is...problematic. I’d rather not see him have power any more than either of you would.”

  ​“Too bloody right,” Crystal said, grabbing one of the chairs near the card table. Hesitantly, Ryan did the same.

  ​“I have a plan,” Ryan said. “We’re going to meet with a reporter. The same one that interviewed Enki.”

  ​Moloch frowned in thought. “You mean to lure him out?”

  ​“Bingo,” Ryan said with a forced smile. “Him, Bast, Athena, Týr. The whole bunch. As far as Enki knows, it’s a four on two fight. That’s where you come in.”

  ​Moloch nodded slowly as he considered. “I arrive at an opportune moment and...correct the odds.”

  ​“Absolutely,” Crystal said. “I know you don’t do much physical engagement, Moloch.”

  ​Ryan blinked at that. It was news to him. “Why not?” he asked, drawing both of their attention.

  ​“Well…” Moloch let out a phlegmatic cough. Can we even get sick? Is this all a show? “to be perfectly honest? I detest it. I feel such scuffling should be beneath us. We have for so many millennia slaughtered people who got in our way, or even as bystanders in our conflicts. We are...we should be better than that. Example for humanity to follow, no?”

  ​Ryan blinked a few more times. “
You...you used to demand human sacrifice.”

  ​“Ryan!” Crystal said, like he’d just broken wind at a fancy dinner.

  ​“No, no, Crystal - it’s Crystal now, right? - he’s correct. I understand his misgivings.” Moloch leaned forward and focused his attention on Ryan. “I did used to butcher mankind. By the thousands, if I’m being honest. I liked the extra power I could draw from their souls, and a part of me...enjoyed it.” His lips twitched in a faint grin, and Ryan wondered if Moloch was smiling at his discomfort, or if it was some memory of a past atrocity. Stop it, Ryan. Listen. Don’t be so damn shallow. “That’s why I keep my shape so twisted. A reminder of the weight of past sins. That’s why I am here now - I am using my powers to help these sick, damned beings. I can never undo what was done, but I can be better in the future.”

  ​Crystal gave Ryan a firm look. You satisfied? the glance seemed to ask.

  ​Ryan nodded. “Okay. Thank you for explaining.” He gave Moloch a smile that felt a bit more genuine. The other god still made him uncomfortable, but at least he’d given Ryan answers, and they were good answers. “So, here’s how it’s going to go down.” They spent a good hour discussing the plan, killing most of the free time they had before meeting Gail. Moloch didn’t like how violent the plan was, but agreed “risk of collateral is better than extinction.”

  ​“I see one minor flaw to the plan.” Moloch pointed at Ryan. “He’s still Nascent. How does he intend to defend himself against swords?”

  ​Ryan frowned, looking at Crystal. “Swords?”

  ​“Oh yeah, love, we use them all the bloody time.” Crystal grinned. “At least, usually. You just have to grab one out of your nanoverse, yeah?”

  ​Moloch chuckled wetly at Ryan’s confusion. “I think you need to explain a bit better, Crystal.”

  ​Crystal sighed. “Right then.” She turned towards Ryan. “We can grab simple tools out of our multiverses. The more complex, the less likely it is to work over here. Swords, axes, bows, arrows, all of the old classics - iron is iron, steel is steel. They work just fine. So most of us favor them.”