A Secret of the Heart (Amish Secrets--Book 3)

by J. E. B. Spredemann

  She frowned. “I’d better not.”

  “Please, Lil? I’m not ready for you to go yet. We haven’t seen each other in so long and you’ll be leaving soon. We’ve hardly had time to catch up. The lobby is closed. There is no other place to go,” he reasoned. “Come in?”

  “Maybe for just a little bit.” She uncomfortably walked into his motel room.

  “Good. ’Cause if you wouldn’t, I might’ve just had to set up chairs in the corridor.” He chuckled.

  “We could do that.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t think so. Besides, there’s something I’ve been wanting to discuss with you and it’s not really something I’d like to tell the world.”

  What would he want to discuss in private? Maybe…no, she wouldn’t get her hopes up. It was too soon.

  Thomas offered her a chair at the small table in his room, and then walked over to the small coffee maker. “Want some coffee?”

  “Sure.” She could scarcely quell her anticipation.

  In short order, he brought two steaming mugs to the table along with cream and sugar. Thomas took the seat across from Lillianna. They sat quietly for a couple of minutes until Thomas gathered the nerve to speak his mind.

  “There’s really no way to sugarcoat what I have to say, Lil, so I’ll just spill it.” He sipped his coffee, then reached across the table and took her hand. His eyes met hers. “I’m dying.”

  Lillianna’s heart pounded in her ears. This couldn’t be right. “What?”

  “I have terminal cancer. I don’t have long to live.”

  Tears welled in Lillianna’s eyes. She shook her head. “No. Not you too! Please, Thomas. Say you’re teasing me.”

  “I wish I was.”

  “But we just met again. I…I can’t lose you now.”

  “I’m sorry, Lil.”

  “But you’re going through treatment, aren’t you? They can make you better, jah?”

  “I did. My body didn’t respond well to the chemo. It seemed like my cancer actually spread after going through the treatments. The oncologist said I’d probably be better off not continuing. Beside the fact that the treatments didn’t work, they were also expensive.”

  “But you look fine–”

  “I know. I didn’t before, trust me. Sometimes that happens when chemo is stopped, but the cancer always returns.”

  “I have some money. Not much, but it can help some.”

  “No, Lil. I appreciate it, though.”

  “So, that’s it? You’re just going to give up?”

  “What else can I do?”

  “Have you considered natural treatments? When I found out about Carolanne’s cancer, I did some research on my own. Carolanne didn’t want me to, but I did. I couldn’t just let my best friend die. I found some clinics that have really good survival numbers, much better than treatment with chemotherapy. They treat cancer naturally with herbs and supplements and enemas–”

  “Enemas?” He raised his eyebrows and a disgusted look flashed across his features.

  “If it helps your body heal, why not?” She looked into his eyes. “This is your life, Tommy. You don’t get another one. Please?”

  “I thought you believed in God and all that eternal life stuff.”

  “My faith in God will only get me to Heaven. You need to have your own.”

  Thomas quickly changed the subject. “I guess if I could go through chemo, I can get through anything. How much do natural treatments cost?”

  She sucked in a breath. “They’re not cheap, although I know they’re not as much as chemo. I’ll help you get the money.”

  Thomas frowned.

  Lillianna stood at his side and grasped his hands. “Please, Tommy. I just found you. I don’t want to lose you again.”

  “I’ll do anything for you, Lil. You know I will.” Thomas stood up and tugged her hands, pulling her into his arms. While he held her close, it seemed as though time stood still. He bent down and pressed his lips to her neck, eventually making his way to her lips. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” Lillianna returned his passionate kisses. Kissing Tommy was even more exhilarating than she’d dreamed.

  Thomas took two steps backward and gently pulled her onto the bed. His hands caressed her back and neck and he moved closer to remove the space between them. “Lil? Let’s…”

  What am I doing? Lillianna forced herself away. She couldn’t allow herself to get caught up in the moment. “This is a bad idea, Tommy.”

  He gently pulled her close again. “No, this is a very good idea.” His lips met her neckline.

  “I need to go.”

  “Please, Lil.” His eyes begged.

  Lillianna found controlling her heartbeat difficult as her desire toward Tommy grew at an uncomfortable speed. “But, it’s not right.”

  “It feels right to me.”

  God, help me. “I can’t, Tommy.”

  “But, Lil, we might never get this chance again. I mean, if I die…” He hung his head.

  “So, you only want me because you’re dying? Is that what you’re saying, Tommy?”

  “No. Of course, not. I want you because I love you.”

  “Because you love me…What exactly does that mean?”

  “Why are you making this so complicated?” His patience was waning. “I love you. You love me. What else matters, Lil?” His tone gentled and he softly moved a wisp of hair that had fallen on her neck where his lips had been a moment ago.

  “A lot matters. We aren’t married, Thomas. It wouldn’t be right. Besides, I’m Amish and you are not.”

  He shook his head, his countenance fraught with repulsion. “You’ve been baptized?”

  “I’m taking classes soon.”

  Thomas grasped Lillianna’s hands with urgency. “Please don’t join yet. Will you do that for me? Wait till I die, until there’s no chance of us being together. If I can somehow beat this, I want to marry you.”

  Lillianna’s heart stopped. Wasn’t this what she’d been dreaming of her entire life? Tommy returning to marry her and the two of them creating a big, beautiful family together, then living out the rest of their days on the farm enjoying sunrises and sunsets as they sat on the wrap-around porch holding hands.

  But this was different. Her dream hadn’t included an incurable disease. It didn’t include Tommy dying young and leaving her alone all her days, like Samuel was certain to be. And would Thomas expect her to leave the Amish or would he join the church too? Amid her confusing thoughts, she pondered Tommy’s words. She caught the sadness in his eyes. And the hopefulness. He waited patiently for an answer.

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  Thomas released a drawn-out breath, then pulled her close. “Thanks, Lil. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

  Lillianna glanced at the digital alarm clock on the nightstand. “It’s getting late. I better go. I don’t want the others to worry about me.”

  “I wish you could stay all night. We could–” His lips brushed her cheek.

  “Thomas…” she warned.

  “I know. Okay.” He gallantly opened the door. “May I walk you home?”

  She giggled. “I’m just ten doors down.”

  “Alright, then just a goodnight kiss.” He bent down and lingered at her lips. “Mm…I’m going to have sweet dreams tonight.”

  Lillianna reluctantly broke away, realizing they were half-way in the hallway and someone might see them. “Goodnight, Tommy.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Lillianna could barely stay focused on her waitressing duties. She’d been counting the days until Tommy’s arrival and today was the day. Instead of asking for the day off, like a dummkopp, she’d agreed to work. That had been a mistake. Hopefully her employer would overlook all the blunders she’d been making. She’d be surprised if he still wanted her to return next week after Thomas left.

  To her astonishment, her folks agreed to let Tommy stay in their dawdi haus while he was visiting. Of course,
she’d left out one little detail about Tommy. They didn’t know he was Englisch. She was somewhat nervous about him coming and her folks’ reaction, but she knew they probably would have said no if they’d known. Lillianna was certain the reason they’d said yes in the first place was in hopes of her finding a beau. She had found one alright, but they most likely weren’t going to be thrilled about his spiritual state.

  But that was okay. She was certain that as soon as they heard about Tommy’s health predicament, they’d be sympathetic toward his plight. Lillianna had a plan, hopefully one that would earn Thomas enough money to go through natural treatments.

  “Why don’t you go ahead and take off the rest of the day?”

  Lillianna jumped at her employer’s words and she dropped the silverware in her hands. Pink tinged her cheeks when she realized she’d been daydreaming again. She hastily picked up the silverware. “I’m sorry.”

  “No need to apologize. I can tell you have a lot on your mind. Just come back next week with a clear head, okay?”

  She dipped her head. “Denki.”

  “And don’t forget to pick up your check in the back office,” he reminded.

  There was no way Lillianna was going to forget her check. That was mostly the reason she’d decided to come in today. She would use her portion of that money and everything she’d been saving up for the trip to Pennsylvania, which was now unnecessary, for Thomas’ treatments. She only hoped they could raise the remainder of the needed money quickly. Time was not on their side.

  <><><>

  “Lilly, you’ll never guess who’s here.” Mandy’s sing-song voice giggled.

  Lillianna’s eyes widened. “Tommy’s here already? Oh no, I’d hoped to have time to take a shower.” She bit her bottom lip. “Where is he?”

  “Mamm’s showing him to the dawdi haus. She and Dat didn’t look too happy.” Amanda raised her eyebrows. “They didn’t know he was an Englischer.”

  “I know.”

  “Is he in the Bann?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t ask him.” Lillianna hadn’t even thought that Tommy might be shunned. “It doesn’t matter. He needs our help.”

  “I think Mamm and Dat want to talk to you.” Mandy frowned.

  “Jah, I’d ‘spect so.” Lillianna sighed. Might as well get it over with.

  <><><>

  Lillianna reached up into the cupboard to retrieve the plates they’d be using for supper this evening. She still hadn’t seen Thomas or her folks, but figured they’d confront her soon enough.

  She gasped when she felt strong arms encircle her waist. Apparently Tommy had found his way into the kitchen. She turned into his embrace and allowed a brief kiss. It wouldn’t do for her folks to come in and find them being intimate. That wasn’t their way. Private things were best kept private.

  “Hey, beautiful.” Tommy’s eyes sparkled. She could look into those eyes forever.

  “I’m so glad you made it.” She grimaced. “Did my folks give you a hard time?”

  “Nah, they were pretty cool. They did look a little surprised, though.”

  “I didn’t tell them you’re Englisch now.”

  He chuckled. “I figured it must’ve been something like that. I told them that I’d never been shunned, so I think that might have smoothed things over a bit.”

  “What did they say?”

  “They asked if I had plans to join the church.”

  Lillianna’s eyes widened. “What did you tell them?”

  “I said I didn’t think I had time to join the church. I think they understood.”

  “Would you ever consider it?”

  “Becoming Amish?” He frowned. “Lil, you know my thoughts on that.”

  “I know, but I was hoping–”

  “Let’s just take one day at a time, okay? Who knows what the future holds?”

  God does. But she wouldn’t speak those words aloud. She wanted her time with Tommy to be pleasant, not filled with arguments and disagreements. What would they do about their future – if they had one?

  <><><>

  An unquenchable thirst drove Lillianna downstairs for a glass of water. The household was asleep now, but she couldn’t seem to find the rest she needed. There were so many things on her mind – Carolanne and Samuel, who were in California at present, Tommy’s illness and the lack of money for his treatments, and her relationship with Thomas.

  How would they ever be able to work out their differences? She had no clue. Could an atheist and a Christian really dwell together in unity? She didn’t think so.

  “Couldn’t sleep either?”

  She turned at the sound of her mother’s voice. “Mamm. No, I’ve been thinking a lot.”

  “About Thomas?”

  “Jah, mostly.” Her chest heaved. “I just found him and I don’t want to let him go.” She wiped a tear away.

  “Loving someone can be hard at times. You risk a lot when you love – your heart and soul, at the least. Love is the most important and most rewarding investment you can make in another person.” Her mother sat across the table and sipped water from her glass.

  “You don’t mind that Thomas is not Amish?”

  “We all have to choose our own way, Lilly. God lays out a path for each of us; it is up to us whether we will walk in it or not.”

  “But how do we know if it is the right one?”

  “If it is God’s will, it will align with His Word. If it does not, then we know it is not His will. God will never lead us to do something against His Word.”

  Lillianna’s lip trembled. “Tommy says he doesn’t believe in God.”

  “That’s too bad. At least God believes in him, jah? And He says that a little faith can move mountains, ain’t so?” Her mother briefly touched her forearm.

  “Jah.”

  “Let’s pray for Thomas and perhaps Der Herr will open his eyes to the truth.”

  “Denki, Mamm.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  Lillianna took out the list she’d written down on notebook paper and looked at the others who sat around the table. “Okay, so here’s the list of things we need to do this week: find donations for the auction–”

  “Wait a minute.” Thomas’ eyebrows narrowed. “You want to have an auction? Don’t those things take months, or at least weeks, to plan? I don’t see how we’re going to have enough time.”

  Lillianna nodded. “We’ll do an online auction. You can do one or three days, however long or short you want to. I have an Englisch friend at work who does it all the time. She already said she’d help any way she can.”

  He snapped his fingers. “You’re amazing.”

  “I think I might know someone who might donate a quilt,” Amanda said.

  “That’s perfect. We need big items that will bring in a lot of money.” Lillianna grinned. “Now back to my list. Do you think anyone would be willing to donate cash?” She directed the question at her mother.

  “I’m not sure. You can ask Deacon Miller to make an announcement at meeting, but since Thomas isn’t Amish…” She shrugged. “We can try.”

  Lillianna cast an apologetic smile at Tommy. “On Thursday and Friday is the yard sale, and on Saturday we’ll have the car wash. Mandy, you said you have volunteers for that, right?”

  Amanda nodded.

  “Great. So I think we’re all set.” Lillianna tapped her chin. “What do you think of an ice cream social on Tuesday night?”

  Her mother smiled. “Who’s going to make the ice cream?”

  “I was hoping you and Dat would? Please?”

  “I’ll talk to your father.”

  Thomas weaved his fingers together and cracked his knuckles. “Wow. This is going to be one busy week.”

  “It’ll be worth it.” Lillianna’s smile exuded confidence.

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “Me too. I’m not losing you without a fight.”

  “Nor I, you.”

  <><><>

  The day was nearly over. In
the last week, they’d raised exactly $2,327. Although she was thankful for those who gave, she felt like crumbling to the ground and having a good cry.

  She’d failed Tommy. This was only a portion of the monies needed for his treatments. Perhaps she could get a loan of some sort.

  Lillianna picked up a bucket of soapy water. “Okay, let’s go ahead and start cleaning up,” her resigned voice trembled.

  “It’s okay, Lil. You did your best.” Tommy’s arm draped over her shoulders.

  She swiped at a tear. “I wanted to do more. Tommy, you need those treatments.”

  “Excuse me.” A man in a fancy sports car pulled up to the gas station. “Is the car wash still open?”

  Lillianna looked at Tommy and he nodded. “Jah, it’s open.”

  “Just pull your car up to the side of the building and make sure all the windows are closed,” Thomas informed the man. He turned to the other volunteers. “Okay, guys, we got one more.”

  The others waited for the man to exit his vehicle and then started hosing the car down with water.

  The man walked over to Lillianna. “You look awfully familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “Wait a minute. You work at the restaurant downtown, don’t you?”

  “Jah.”

  Thomas came near to be sure this man wasn’t hitting on his girl.

  The man laughed. “I guess I didn’t leave a big enough tip if you don’t remember me.”

  Lillianna gasped. “You’re the congressman who left me fifty dollars!”

  “Ah, now you remember.” He looked around at the others washing his car. “What’s the car wash for?”

  “Thomas, my beau.” She lightly touched Tommy’s forearm. “He needs money for cancer treatments.”

  The congressman frowned, then rubbed his chin. After he seemed to ponder for several seconds, his face brightened. “Hmm…I might have a proposition for you.”