Zero Apologies

by Autumn Jones Lake

  “Hoping to make bail soon so I can avoid getting shipped off down there.” Actually, I’m surprised I haven’t been shipped off to county yet. Another thing that makes me think this cell is bugged.

  “I hear that.” He nods to the top bunk. “That available?”

  At least he’s showing the proper respect now. “All yours.”

  “I’m beat. Pigs had me up all night.”

  “I hear that.” I’m not a fan of having anyone over me and I swear to fuck if I hear him beating off up there, I’m going to stuff his head through the cell bars. But Husky climbs up and settles down pretty quick.

  A few hours later, I realize I underestimated Husky’s gift for gab. The fucker won’t shut up about his life story. And I gotta say, it’s not all that interesting. I’ve heard it a million times over the years. Mom and dad didn’t pay enough attention to him. School bored him. Girls were bitches because they didn’t want to fuck him. Thought it’d be fun to try heroin. Got hooked. Since then, he’s been in and out of prison.

  I lost my compassion for addicts and their bullshit right around the time my bio-brother started stealing from our parents to feed his habits. So, no, I’m not pulling out my tiny violin to serenade Husky’s sob story. But at least his chatter helps to drown out some of the other noise going on around us. I grunt or mumble ‘uh-huh’ from time to time and Husky keeps right on talking.

  “You’re not holding by any chance, are you?” he whispers.

  “Fuck no. I don’t touch that shit.”

  “Right. Kings have never been in the game, have they?”

  Not that I’m about to sit here and tell this fuck anything about my club, but this should already be common knowledge on the street. “No.”

  “I can hook you up. I mean, Sway never wanted in on the trade but I got a connection.”

  Thank fuck Sway was good for something. “No,” I growl, growing more irritated with this fucker every second.

  “That’s cool. That’s cool.”

  Finally, he shuts up.

  How much longer do I have to put up with this bullshit?

  Chapter Eleven

  Lilly

  My brother’s called every day to see how we’re doing. I can’t tell if it’s an affectionate check-up or I’ll be subject to more judgment in the future, but I can’t worry about it today.

  “They’re here!” Heidi races outside before anyone else even looks up.

  Murphy was finally released.

  I’m so happy for him. And for Alexa, who missed him terribly.

  But I can’t help being sad for Z.

  And scared for him. Now he’ll be all alone.

  With a big smile stretched across his face, one arm around Heidi and the other one carrying Alexa, Murphy swaggers into the house.

  He leans down and kisses the top of Heidi’s head, whispering something to her that makes her nod and release him.

  Alexa clearly isn’t planning to let go of her daddy any time soon. Her little arms tighten around his neck. She’d had the attention of her uncles every day while Murphy was gone, but it obviously wasn’t the same. He pats her back. “Let me talk to Aunt Lilly for a minute.”

  She shakes her head and buries her little face against his shoulder.

  Surprised I’m the first one he wants to talk to, I meet him in the hallway. “Welcome home.” Mentally, I give myself a high-five for not crying as the words come out. I’m thrilled Murphy’s home, but I can’t help the ache blooming in my chest that Z’s not here too.

  Murphy wraps his free arm around my shoulders and steers me into the sitting room. “How you doing, Lilly?”

  “Me? I’m fine. Is Z okay?”

  “He’s okay.” He drops his voice. “Z can handle himself. You don’t have to worry.”

  “Thank you, Murphy.” I force my mouth into a tired smile. “Even though I felt better knowing you were with him, I’m really glad you’re home.”

  He pats Alexa’s back again. “Me too.”

  Rock walks up behind them and puts an arm around Murphy. “Feel good to be out?”

  “Heck, yeah.” He turns slightly, facing Rock. “Although—”

  “You want to take off for a few days?”

  “Not until Z’s out.” He glances at Alexa and then Chance, who’s clinging to my leg.

  “Sounds like a plan.” Rock lifts his chin at Alexa. “She can stay with us when you do decide to go.”

  Murphy hesitates, glancing at Alexa and then over at Heidi. “Nah, I think we’ll do a family trip.” His mouth quirks and he slaps Rock’s chest. “I’m banking that babysitting time for our honeymoon.”

  Rock tips his head back and laughs. “Fair enough. Where you thinking of going?”

  “Rhode Island? Somewhere with a beach.” He casts a guilty look around the room. “I shouldn’t be too far in case you need me.”

  “You’ve earned some time away,” Rock assures him. Over the last few days, it’s become clear why some of the guys jokingly refer to Rock as “Dad.”

  Murphy squeezes Alexa. “Want to build some sand castles?”

  “No.” Her face is still smooshed against Murphy’s shoulder so the answer comes out muffled.

  “She’s reverted back to saying ‘no’ to everything,” Heidi says. She forces a smile, taking the sting out of her words. “We missed you.”

  Murphy wraps his free arm around her and snuggles his girls close.

  I pat his shoulder and step away to give their little family some privacy.

  Where will Z want to go when he gets out?

  That’s right, when. Not if.

  Will he be able to go anywhere? They’d completely dropped the charges against Murphy. Z might not be so lucky. Making bail will be the first step while we wait for his case to go to trial. I can’t deal with that right now, so I wander into the living room.

  Chance has really taken to Hope. After the commotion of having Murphy home dies down, he scurries over to the couch, where he curls up next to Hope and asks her to read to him.

  A little while later, Alexa crawls up next to me and into my lap, listening in on story time.

  “He can read that one,” I finally admit, since Hope’s voice has dwindled down to a scratchy rasp.

  “Oh really?” She sneaks her hand over and tickles Chance’s side.

  “Yes!” Chance says through giggles.

  God, it feels so good to hear him laugh.

  “Where’d Murphy go?” I whisper to Hope.

  Hope points over her shoulder—the direction of Murphy’s house. “I assume he poofed out of here with Heidi.”

  From the doorway, Rock chuckles. “I told them they had an hour.”

  “Aw, you’re the coolest mom and dad ever,” I tease.

  Without looking up from the book, she kicks out her foot, barely brushing my leg. “Shush now.”

  The doorbell rings and I freeze. Too scared to answer the door to my house. What if it’s the cops with bad news? Or here with another arrest warrant for someone else? What if Z has been hurt?

  “I got it, Lilly.” Teller calls out as he passes the living room.

  My freak-out dissipates as soon as I hear Wrath’s big, booming voice from the foyer.

  Other than everyone happy Murphy’s out, the mood is somber in the house.

  “We should make an appearance at the clubhouse,” Rock suggests to Teller. He glances at the clock and then me. “It’s early. The kids can come. Play out back a little.”

  Teller nods and Wrath promises to run next door and drag Murphy and Heidi over.

  Go to the clubhouse without Z? I don’t know if I can do that.

  One glance at Rock says it’s not optional.

  Chapter Twelve

  Lilly

  After discussing the logistics of who is riding in or on what vehicle, we end up at the clubhouse.

  I haven’t been here since the night Z was arrested. I’m rooted to the gravel, staring at the spot where the cops threw Z to the ground. Unable to move
forward or say a word.

  “You okay, hon?” Rock asks, touching my shoulder.

  I snap out of my trance and shake my head. “I don’t know.”

  “We won’t be long. I didn’t want you alone at the house and we need to take care of a few things here.”

  “It’s okay.” I’ve noticed, even though Rock rarely apologizes for anything, he seems to be sensitive to how his decisions effect everyone around him.

  “I’m okay,” I assure him. “Ready?” I take Chance’s hand. He doesn’t seem to be affected by being at the clubhouse. I parked in a totally different spot, so maybe that helped.

  “Is Daddy here?” he asks.

  Or not.

  “Not yet, baby. Hopefully in a few more days he’ll be home.”

  He ducks his head.

  “Let’s go check out the jungle gym.” Wrath scoops Chance up, placing him on his shoulders. “You been on it yet?”

  With the melancholy mood broken by his giant of an uncle, Chance giggles and throws his arms wide. “Yes!”

  Murphy, Heidi, and Alexa follow them around back.

  I duck inside to use the ladies room.

  Apparently the “no party” message wasn’t conveyed to everyone. Angie’s here, supervising some of the club girls. They’re throwing a party for Murphy whether he wants it or not, I guess.

  “I’m so glad to see you, Lilly!” Angie throws her arms around me, hugging me tight. “How are you holding up?”

  “All right.”

  “Any word on how much longer he’ll be inside?”

  “Not yet. Hoping to get a bail hearing soon.” Rock had lectured me about not giving details to anyone, but surely that’s not exactly top secret.

  “Well, I’m praying for him.”

  I’m not much of a prayer person, but the sentiment touches me. “Thank you, Angie.”

  “I’m trying to keep everything low-key around here tonight.” She glances around the room. “You know how it is, though. Any reason to celebrate.”

  “Well, everyone’s happy Murphy’s out and the charges were dropped so we should celebrate that.” My voice seems to hold more courage than I possess.

  She nods vigorously. “Absolutely. And I don’t want you to do a thing. I’ll take care of all the details so you don’t have to worry.”

  “Thanks, I’m probably heading home with Chance soon.” At least I hope so. I can’t imagine Rock and Hope wanting to stick around for a party. And since they’re my unofficial babysitters, I go where they go.

  Lala stops setting up the bar and runs over to give me a tearful hug as soon as she sees me. “I’m so sorry, Lilly. If you need anything, please let me know.”

  Not expecting that level of emotion from her, I’m not sure how to respond. “Thank you. We’re doing okay.”

  “Poor Chance.” She dabs at her eyes, making me feel somehow worse even though I know that wasn’t her intention.

  “He’s out back with the guys if you want to say hi.”

  Her eyes widen, as if she’s surprised I’d allow her around my son. She’s never been anything but nice to me, so why wouldn’t I?

  “Sure.”

  On our way out, Rock asks me to send Wrath and Murphy inside.

  “You’re friends with his wife, right?” Lala asks me once we’re outside.

  “Yeah, I’ve known Hope for years.”

  “That’s nice. Serena always said kind things about her. Everyone at upstate, really.”

  Shit, I haven’t seen Serena since the night Shadow attacked her. “How is she doing? I haven’t seen her in a while.”

  “I don’t know.” She lowers her voice. “I told her Shadow was…gone but she says she’s done with MCs. She just finished school and she’s trying to focus on finding a job, you know?”

  Honestly, I’m happy to hear that. She always seemed so sweet and too timid to be passed around by a bunch of bikers. “Sure. What’s she do again?”

  “Sports medicine or occupational therapy, something that sounded like it had a lot of science involved.” She laughs. “Not my thing.”

  I chuckle. “Yeah, not mine either.”

  “No? Everyone says you’re like super smart.”

  Everyone, huh? “Well, my area was more languages, history, government. That sort of stuff. My master’s is in public policy.”

  “Oh.” She gives me a blank look. “I keep saying I’m going to go back to school, but I still don’t know what I want to do.”

  “Well, you’re never too old to change paths.”

  “You really think so?”

  “Absolutely.” Look at me. I’ll never work in government again and, eventually, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. It can’t be all baking blini and watching cartoons.

  “Thanks, Lilly.” She waves at Chance. “Hi, big guy!”

  “Hi!” he chirps back.

  She says hi to Alexa too, then climbs right into the sandbox with the kids.

  Wrath raises an eyebrow at me. “Goodie, another kid to watch.”

  I shrug. Lala’s always been decent to me. It doesn’t hurt to have one more adult looking out for the kids. “Rock asked me to send you guys inside.”

  Murphy groans and pulls Heidi in for a kiss. He touches his forehead to hers and they whisper back and forth for a few seconds.

  Teller shakes his head. “I promised Heidi I wouldn’t give him shit today, but, damn, he makes it difficult.”

  “Tell me, who do you enjoy picking on more, Murphy or Heidi?” I ask.

  His mouth curls into a playful smile. “It’s kind of a two-for-one deal, you know?”

  “Pity his kids, Lilly,” Trinity says. “He’s always been overprotective of his sister. Imagine what he’ll be like as a dad. Let’s pray he has all boys.”

  Teller side-eyes her.

  I wink at Trinity. “I guess it will be up to us to rein Heidi in if he has girls. She’s going to want to be the cool aunt that lets them do all the stuff their dad says no to.”

  “Ooo!” Heidi joins us, rubbing her hands together and grinning like a little devil. “I never thought of that. The possibilities are wonderful!”

  Teller stares at us and I give him a sweet smile in return.

  “Thank fuck Charlotte’s not here to join in on this,” he grumbles.

  Wrath just shakes his head and walks away.

  After the guys are gone, we fall into a fit of laughter.

  “Thanks, Lilly,” Heidi says.

  “Thank you for making me laugh.” My voice cracks on the last word.

  The joy seems to evaporate from Heidi’s expression, which wasn’t what I wanted. “I’m sorry, Lilly.”

  “It’s okay, Heidi. Believe me, I’m so happy Murphy’s out.” I reach out and squeeze her hand. She hugs me before wandering over to the sandbox.

  “Everything will be okay.” Trinity bites her lip. Her gaze darts to Lala and the kids. “You all right with one of the club girls playing with Chance?”

  I shrug. “Sure. She’s always been polite. Helpful.” I laugh at the memory. “Came over and thanked Z when he put Shadow in his place.”

  “Shit, really?” Trinity chuckles. “Girl has grit. That’s good.”

  “Only one I’ve had an issue with is Josey. If she never shows her face again, it’ll be too soon.”

  As if she overheard our conversation, Lala wanders over to us. “Josey said she might stop by tonight. I’m sorry, Lilly. I should’ve told you right away.”

  “That’s fine, Lala.” It’s not like I am or want to be the club girls’ social activities coordinator. “Don’t worry about it.”

  Trinity holds out her hand. “I’m Trinity. Wrath’s ol’ lady.”

  “Right.” Lala laughs. “Everyone says upstate’s all settled down now, so this is the clubhouse to come to.” The smile slides off Lala’s face. “Shit, sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “No.” Trinity smiles. “We still have a few single brothers who keep bitching not enough girls come
up anymore.”

  Ignoring me, she focuses on Lala. “They’re opening up a second clubhouse down in Empire. I’ll let you know when we’re doing the grand opening party.”

  “Thanks,” Lala says. “That sounds cool.” She brushes her hands over her sandy jeans. “I’m going to go clean up. If you need me, yell.”

  I side-eye Trinity. “What are you, their recruiter now? Are you actually inviting girls up for the guys?” I ask once Lala’s gone.

  “Hell, yes. The sooner that new clubhouse is open and full of girls, the quieter our compound will be.”

  “Aren’t you sneaky.”

  “Sneaky, nothing. Wrath asked me to spread the word to any girls I ran into. He wants the parties at the property shut down more than anyone.”

  I burst out laughing because, given Wrath’s general grumpy demeanor, that doesn’t surprise me.

  “It’s not the debauchery he objects to, trust me.” Trinity rolls her eyes. “The man has more kinky fuckery going on in his sexy blond head—”

  “Now that you need to elaborate on,” I tease.

  She ignores my interruption and continues. “It’s the risk of having so many unfamiliar faces on our property. Now that so many of us have houses there and stuff, you know? It’s a security issue.”

  “Ahh, yeah. That makes sense.” I glance around but except for Heidi and the kids, we’re alone now. “Do you worry about that a lot? I know Rock was in jail too a couple years ago and now this…”

  She sighs and gazes over my shoulder. “Sure. Any of the officers have more risk. Cops are always eager to go after a president. Makes ‘em look good.” She pulls a face. “Wrath’s in a vulnerable spot too. The enforcer protects the club and sometimes that can turn…violent which brings the club heat. Treasurer…shit cops would love to get a look at the financials of any outlaw club. Road Captain isn’t usually as much of an issue unless they’re on a run.” She stops and seems to consider her words. “Honestly, all the brothers are vulnerable. Cops would probably be happy to bring a brother in on some bullshit charges to see if they can get him to flip on the whole club. Back when my dad was part of a club, that didn’t happen often but I think it’s more common now.” She meets my eyes. “Not our club, but others.”