Advice from a Sunflower

by Jen Stevens

  I don’t even have to think about it. “No. I’m more afraid of being stuck here than anything else.”

  I look over at his still form, trying to put the pieces together between the boy I grew up with and the young man that’s lying beside me right now.

  Why is he lying beside me right now, anyway?

  He sighs, his chest slowly lifting and falling before he turns his head to look at me. “Just promise you won’t forget us out here.”

  We share a look before I have to turn away, casting my gaze back up to the sky to avoid his burning stare.

  How does he always do this to me? Why do I let him get to my head every time we speak?

  “I could never forget The Hollow,” I finally whisper, braving a glace back in his direction.

  He’s still turned toward me, dark brown eyes taking me in as he considers my words and whatever meaning lies behind them.

  It’s the truth. Regardless of how fast I want to get out of this town, it’s a part of me. It’s in my blood. Every person and place I encounter will be compared to the little corner of the world that I’ve called home for the past eighteen years. Every man will be compared to the boy I consider my first love. I just can’t get the words out to tell him that.

  “Good. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to forget you either, Mouse.”

  My eyes fall to his plump lips as they lift in a smile, and I’m teased with the promise of something I’ll never have. That mouth will never be mine. This boy will always break my heart, no matter how hard he might try not to.

  “What’s putting that look on your face?” he asks, bringing his hand between us to wipe a stray tear from my eye.

  I keep my lips held in a tight line, fighting against the words that want to come out. Now isn’t the time to finally begin speaking my mind. It won’t change anything, anyway. I’ll still leave tomorrow, and he’ll still be a million miles out of reach. My head moves in a negative shake, refusing to allow my mouth to speak, just in case the wrong thing escapes.

  His entire face pulls down in a frown as he considers me. His eyes roam between my features, taking their sweet time to torture me. Eli always acts as if he’s got all the time in the world. He’s never in a rush; I’m never going fast enough. That’s why we work so well together, balancing out like yin and yang. Or, at least, we used to.

  I blink and his forehead is resting against mine, pressed together as his hands grip my chin. I want to ask what the hell he’s doing. Does he realize it’s me he’s here with? Is he on some kind of hallucinogen? Surely, he isn’t in his right mind. But somehow my mouth has disconnected from my body and I can’t seem to get the words out.

  Then he speaks, and I know there’s no way he’s mistaken me for someone else.

  “Mouse,” he whispers, low and needy. I can feel his warm breath against my lips as he sighs again, peering back at me his grip on my face tightens.

  I can’t move. Someone needs to pinch me. Or not. If this is a dream, I don’t think I ever want to wake up.

  Hold on. Is Eli Wilson about to kiss me?

  He is. He does.

  His soft mouth presses against mine, and my entire world stops spinning. The grass disappears from below us, taking our houses and the town right along with it. The sounds that were lingering in the background before from the main street are gone. We’re left floating in space, right along with the stars we were just gazing up at as his mouth moves against mine, owning me—possessing me.

  If there was a chance I could recover from Eli before, it’s long gone. No man will compare to this. No kiss can compete.

  I want to pull back and ask him why he’s doing this. Is it some sort of sick joke? Are Emma and Olivia waiting somewhere to bust out laughing and capture my embarrassed face? When is the shoe going to drop and reality going to suck me into its deep, black hole?

  But at the same time, I want to savor it. Eli was mine first. Maybe not in the way I’ve always wanted, or the way he’s allowing me to own him now. The fact still remains—I saw him first. I’ve wanted to spread my claws and bare my teeth to Emma since the moment she stepped into our little bubble, snarling in her own possessive way. I’ve wanted to stomp my feet and whine to him that we were friends before anyone ever bothered with him. It wasn’t fair that he chose them.

  That isn’t me, though. And if it were, it wouldn’t matter because beyond Emma, there’s still his attraction to Marnie, and I wasn’t ever going to position myself in a competition with my own sister over a boy. Even if that boy is what I consider to be perfect. Even if his kisses—which I’m so delightfully soaking up right now—are pure perfection. Even if it always feels like we are connecting on a level beyond everything else.

  Eli briefly pulls away and his eyes slowly open. There’s a question in them, but I can’t figure out what it might be in the lusty haze surrounding us.

  “I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” he whispers. He’s still so close, I can feel his warm breath dancing across my tingling lips.

  I feel the exact same way, but I don’t respond. I know that nothing I say could ever do my feelings any justice. And I’m still skeptical. Regardless of how right this all feels, I can’t shake the thought that there’s more to this than Eli’s raw desire.

  His hand, which has somehow found itself draped around my hip, moves up and down my leg in a soft caress, lightly brushing against the exposed skin where my dress has slightly ridden up. My mind goes blank.

  All I can see is the chestnut hue in his irises. All I can feel are his fingers and the soft tingle they leave behind each time they slide back and forth.

  “Is this okay?” he asks, briefly interrupting my reverie. When I don’t answer right away, he pulls his hand back, leaving it suspended awkwardly in the air above my leg.

  “Yes,” I hiss, grabbing at his wrist to lower it back down.

  I’m needy and desperate. Honest and raw.

  I want him to trace his fingers everywhere. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, but the feelings are powerful and controlling. My mind has disappeared, handing the wheel over to my reckless heart and allowing it to drive us straight into a wall.

  Suddenly, his lips are back on mine and in a single heartbeat, every last distraction and obstacle in our way evaporates. Emma is gone. Marnie is gone. Years of silence dissipate, and it feels like we’ve never lost contact. The wedge between us ceases to exist—maybe it was never there in the first place?

  He matches my passionate moans with his own. His hands are everywhere, moving so fast I can barely keep up with them before they’ve already gone someplace else. My dress is completely pushed up to my waist, exposing my plain cotton underwear. The spaghetti straps are both hanging limply down my arms as he shifts us so that I’m on my back and he’s hovering over me. His biceps flex as he leans down and nuzzles into my neck, placing tiny, tender kisses on my skin that have my back arching up into him.

  It almost seems as if he really does want this, and maybe there isn’t any shoe to drop. No deceitful plans to be had. Maybe Eli has been telling the truth tonight.

  I decide I don’t care either way. I’m a high school graduate now—a college girl as of tomorrow. I’m going to take what I want and leave it all on the line. I’m going to start living for myself and ignore everyone else. Tonight, I’m going to selfishly consume everything that has been owed to me, consequences be damned.

  As if he can sense my weak surrender, his groin begins moving against mine in slow circles, taking our innocent kissing to a completely different level. My chest aches, ready to burst with desire as I match his movements. The passion that was controlling me before has been set on fire, the flames burning hotter than ever before.

  My own fingers feel thick as they reach for his shirt, tugging it upwards as much as I can before he leans away from me, grabs the collar, and swipes it off in one fail swoop. His mouth is back on mine instantly as I allow my hands to rake up and down his muscular back.

  Eli has always
been in shape, but endless practices and workouts have sculpted his innocent, childish body into mature perfection. I can feel his muscles contracting against my fingertips as they pass, his skin red-hot to the touch.

  Swollen lips begin making their way down my neck again, passing over my shoulder as he tugs the top of my dress down, stretching it over my breasts. His mouth meets my hardened nipples, gently suckling each before he passes down my waist and eases between my legs.

  “Wait,” I gasp when his lips meet my inner thigh.

  He pulls back immediately, gazing up at me through dark, heavily lidded eyes. “You want me to stop?”

  I shake my head and look up, afraid to meet his penetrating stare. “I’ve never done this before,” I admit shamefully.

  Although, it shouldn’t come as a surprise. We’re from a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business. Surely if I’d ever hooked up with a guy before, Eli would know. Everyone would know. How pathetic does that make me? He’s obviously got an abundance of experience, transitioning from an innocent child to an adult while I’ve been stuck in the ladder.

  “Okay. We can stop.”

  He starts to get up on his knees and I drape my arm across my face in shame.

  “No,” I insist quickly, wrapping my legs around his before he moves too far away. I’m not even sure what possessed me to do that. It’s so pushy. So confident. So unlike me.

  Eli chuckles, hovering over me again. I feel his hand wrap around my arm before it’s lifted from my eyes, and I suck my lower lip in between my teeth to hide the embarrassed smile that’s fighting its way through.

  "Tell me you want this."

  “I do. I want you to be my first.” I assure, finally finding the strength to speak as he peers at me from above.

  I realize my entire top half is still completely exposed and without Eli’s body heat, the chill in the night air sends a shiver through me. My arms instinctually move to cover myself. I’m suddenly blushing at the thought that he’s seeing me like this.

  “I just might not be any good at it.”

  Another admission. More shame.

  “I doubt that’s possible,” he laughs again, leaning down to place a tender kiss on the side of my mouth. It quickly turns more intimate, less rushed than before. We’re savoring each other instead of devouring. Time has been paused and we’ve been given the entire night to explore and enjoy.

  Eli gently leads me through the motions, watching closely for any indication that it’s become too much for me and we need to stop. I do my best to make sure he never finds it. Before he enters me for the first time, he gently massages my center, explaining through heavy breaths that it's to ensure I'm ready and to help ease my nerves. I attempt to wrap my shaking fingers around him to do the same but fail miserably. I quickly give up on that task, opting to focus on the sensations he's bringing on with his touch.

  Once I'm sure that I can't take any more without exploding, he pulls his fingers out of me and returns his mouth to my shoulder, placing gentle kisses in a trail up to my neck.

  "Are you ready?" he whispers, his breath sending hot tingles shooting down my spine and straight back to the spot he just left.

  My response is an eager nod against his cheek. It's all I can muster at this point.

  He grabs a condom from his wallet and slips it on, then positions himself between my legs, wrapping his hands behind my knees to push them upward. With one last meaningful look, he silently asks for my permission and then slowly enters me, my insides stretching to accommodate him like they've been made for it. I find it to be painful but not unbearable. It's like the weight of the moment keeps me grounded enough to focus on the electric spark we're making together, reaching a new level of intimacy we've never experienced before, instead of the pain that should be there. He wastes no time taking what’s always been his. We move together like two old souls connecting for the first time in eons, our bodies simply tools being used to convey what our mouths never could.

  It’s perfect. The moment flies beyond any of my expectations and I’m certain I wouldn’t have wanted it to be with anyone else. He's kind and gentle, never once feeding my insecurities that stem from my lack of experience.

  Once he's sure we’re both finished, he holds me in his arms, our skin clammy and our hearts full. The smile he wears could light up the entire night sky, and I’m sure mine is just as bright.

  “I wish you didn’t have to go,” he mutters sadly into my hair.

  We’ve each slipped back into our clothes, pulling the blanket over us as he snuggled me into the crook of his body. The moon looks different than it had an hour ago, when I was gazing up at it alone and wallowing in my own self-pity.

  And for the first time my entire life, I wish I didn’t have to go, either. I wish I had given myself one last summer here in The Hollow to make things right. To make up for the seventeen other ones that formed my distaste for the place that made me. That formed the meek little girl who quietly ran around town avoiding any conflict or prolonged interaction for fear of being berated or taken advantage of.

  There’s no way I could have guessed that I could somehow make Eli mine, though. Tonight seems like a fluke; a blip in the universe that somehow allowed me to fight fate long enough to get the one thing I’ve longed for since the moment I met the dark-haired, snowy- skinned boy next door. Despite the greedy monster that had been awoken inside of me, demanding more of him, something told me an entire summer might ruin what we have tonight.

  Still, I nod against his cheek, squeezing his hand with my own.

  We’re pulled back to reality when the back gate creaks open and Marnie steps through it. Eli pulls away from me in a rush, his hands running through his hair after he rolls his body in the opposite direction and lifts himself up to stand in one smooth motion. I’m not even half as graceful, stumbling around on my knees as I try to get up and stand beside him.

  “What’s going on?” Marnie asks, her eyes darting between Eli’s collected composure and my blushing face. I hope the dark night masks some of the embarrassment I’m feeling. Although, it’s really Eli who should be embarrassed for getting caught with me: a social pariah.

  “Nothing. What are you doing back here? Denise isn’t home; you could have used the front door.” My voice sounds rushed and breathless, earning a skeptical look from my sister as I fight my heart from racing its way out of my chest and down the street.

  “It was locked.”

  She’s walking toward us now, confidence flowing from every curve and angle of her perfect body. Pregnancy has only made her even more beautiful, further drawing a line between us. She’s made up of vibrant colors, while I’m all black, white, and gray. It’s no wonder Eli and every other person in town likes her more. I feel insignificant just standing so close to her, giving him the opportunity to compare us and make the same determination that he and everyone else always has: she’s better than I’ll ever be.

  I desperately want him to prove me wrong. To grab onto me and proudly own up to the life-changing event we’ve just experienced together. Instead, he quickly rushes out, “I should get going,” pointing a thumb over his shoulder toward his house.

  When I finally gain the strength to turn in his direction, I’m met with his relaxed, dopey grin. Where I was a tangled web of nervous knots, he was nothing but calm waters. Maybe he does this all the time, and it’s no big deal to have been caught, especially by a close friend like Marnie.

  My only response to him is a nod. It’s all I can muster in this awkward, never-ending moment. He lingers for a few seconds, waiting to see if I’ll add anything else until his grin turns into a full smile that has him tugging his bottom lip between his teeth to hide. His eyes find Marnie before he waves to both of us and walks in the direction she just came from.

  “What was that?” she asks when he’s completely out of sight, rushing toward me to grab my clammy hands into hers. She has the nerve to sound excited.

  It takes me a few deep breaths
until I can speak again, and when I do, I can’t look my sister in the eyes as I simply explain, “he kissed me,” in absolute wonder.

  And he did. Eli Wilson—my best friend since grade school and the boy I’ve been in love with since I started wearing a bra—kissed me. The invisible, weird Scott sister. On his own, without prompting or any effort to seduce him on my part. In fact, he’d done a lot more than just kiss me. He’d deflowered me. Owned me. Changed me from within, and rearranged my very being so that my heart beat for only him.

  My focus is brought back to Marnie when she starts to pull my arms with her as she jumps up and down, quietly squealing under her breath.

  “I can’t believe he finally did it! I’m so glad he didn’t wait until you left like he said he would. I told him you were leaving tomorrow, and he must have realized the window was closing.”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. Aren’t you happy? You two have been pining after each other for years. Now, you can finally do something about it.”

  She smiles at me—a large, toothy smile that showcases every ounce of happiness she’s feeling right now.

  I can’t feel it, though. I can’t feel anything. Not until her words make their way into my brain and I begin to make sense of them. Then, it’s blind rage snaking its way through my veins.

  “What are you talking about? When were you two talking about me?”

  “Yesterday. He and Emma got into another fight and I finally told him to forget about her. I’ve known about you two for a long time. You aren’t very good at hiding it.”

  “Hiding what? He’s never been into me like that, Marnie. And now I know he only did that because you made him feel guilty for me. Poor little Mouse, stuck on the sidelines with her pathetic crush.”

  This can’t be real. My feet are taking me to the back door before Marnie has a chance to scoop her jaw off the ground and catch up. What is she thinking? She had no business inserting herself into my life the way she did, and now she’s completely destroyed my relationship with Eli. Well, what little shreds that were left.