Fantastic Mr Fox

by Roald Dahl

  13

  Bunce's Giant Storehouse

  'My dear Foxy!' cried Badger. 'What in the world has happened to your tail?'

  'Don't talk about it, please,' said Mr Fox. 'It's a painful subject.'

  They were digging the new tunnel. They dug on in silence. Badger was a great digger and the tunnel went forward at a terrific pace now that he was lending a paw. Soon they were crouching underneath yet another wooden floor.

  Mr Fox grinned slyly, showing sharp white teeth. 'If I am not mistaken, my dear Badger,' he said, 'we are now underneath the farm which belongs to that nasty little pot-bellied dwarf, Bunce. We are, in fact, directly underneath the most interesting part of that farm.'

  'Ducks and geese!' cried the Small Foxes, licking their lips. 'Juicy tender ducks and big fat geese!'

  'Ex-actly!' said Mr Fox.

  'But how in the world can you know where we are?' asked Badger.

  Mr Fox grinned again, showing even more white teeth. 'Look,' he said, 'I know my way around these farms blindfold. For me it's just as easy below ground as it is above it.' He reached high and pushed up one wooden floorboard, then another. He poked his head through the gap.

  'Yes!' he shouted, jumping up into the room above. 'I've done it again! I've hit it smack on the nose! Right in the bull's-eye! Come and look!'

  Quickly Badger and the three Small Foxes scrambled up after him. They stopped and stared. They stood and gaped. They were so overwhelmed they couldn't speak; for what they now saw was a kind of fox's dream, a badger's dream, a paradise for hungry animals.

  'This, my dear old Badger,' proclaimed Mr Fox, 'is Bunce's Mighty Storehouse! All his finest stuff is stored in here before he sends it off to market.'

  Against all the four walls of the great room, stacked in cupboards and piled upon shelves reaching from floor to ceiling, were thousands and thousands of the finest and fattest ducks and geese, plucked and ready for roasting! And up above, dangling from the rafters, there must have been at least a hundred smoked hams and fifty sides of bacon!

  'Just feast your eyes on that!' cried Mr Fox, dancing up and down. 'What d'you think of it, eh? Pretty good grub!'

  Suddenly, as though springs had been released in their legs, the three hungry Small Foxes and the ravenously hungry Badger sprang forward to grab the luscious food.

  'Stop!' ordered Mr Fox. 'This is my party, so I shall do the choosing.' The others fell back, licking their chops. Mr Fox began prowling around the storehouse examining the glorious display with an expert eye. A thread of saliva slid down one side of his jaw and hung suspended in mid-air, then snapped.

  'We mustn't overdo it,' he said. 'Mustn't give the game away. Mustn't let them know what we've been up to. We must be neat and tidy and take just a few of the choicest morsels. So, to start with we shall have four plump young ducks.' He took them from the shelf. 'Oh, how lovely and fat they are! No wonder Bunce gets a special price for them in the market!... All right, Badger, lend me a hand to get them down... You children can help as well... There we go... Goodness me, look how your mouths are watering... And now... I think we had better have a few geese... Three will be quite enough... We'll take the biggest... Oh my, oh my, you'll never see finer geese than these in a king's kitchen... Gently does it... that's the way... And what about a couple of nice smoked hams... I adore smoked ham, don't you, Badger?... Fetch me that step-ladder, will you please...'

  Mr Fox climbed up the ladder and handed down three magnificent hams. 'And do you like bacon, Badger?'

  'I'm mad about bacon!' cried Badger, dancing with excitement. 'Let's have a side of bacon! That big one up there!'

  'And carrots, Dad!' said the smallest of the three Small Foxes. 'We must take some of those carrots.'

  'Don't be a twerp,' said Mr Fox. 'You know we never eat things like that.'

  'It's not for us, Dad. It's for the Rabbits. They only eat vegetables.'

  'My goodness me, you're right!' cried Mr Fox. 'What a thoughtful little fellow you are! Take ten bunches of carrots!'

  Soon, all this lovely loot was lying in a neat heap upon the floor. The Small Foxes crouched close, their noses twitching, their eyes shining like stars.

  'And now,' said Mr Fox, 'we shall have to borrow from our friend Bunce two of those useful pushcarts over in the corner.' He and Badger fetched the pushcarts, and the ducks and geese and hams and bacon were loaded on to them. Quickly the pushcarts were lowered through the hole in the floor. The animals slid down after them. Back in the tunnel, Mr Fox again pulled the floorboards very carefully into place so that no one could see they had been moved.

  'My darlings,' he said, pointing to two of the three Small Foxes, 'take a cart each and run back as fast as you can to your mother. Give her my love and tell her we are having guests for dinner - the Badgers, the Moles, the Rabbits and the Weasels. Tell her it must be a truly great feast. And tell her the rest of us will be home as soon as we've done one more little job.'

  'Yes, Dad! Right away, Dad!' they answered, and they grabbed a trolley each and went rushing off down the tunnel.

  14

  Badger Has Doubts

  'Just one more visit!' cried Mr Fox.

  'And I'll bet I know where that'll be,' said the only Small Fox now left. He was the Smallest Fox of them all.

  'Where?' asked Badger.

  'Well,' said the Smallest Fox. 'We've been to Boggis and we've been to Bunce but we haven't been to Bean. It must be Bean.'

  'You are right,' said Mr Fox. 'But what you don't know is which part of Bean's place we are about to visit.'

  'Which?' they said both together.

  'Ah-ha,' said Mr Fox. 'Just you wait and see.' They were digging as they talked. The tunnel was going forward fast.

  Suddenly Badger said, 'Doesn't this worry you just a tiny bit, Foxy?'

  'Worry me?' said Mr Fox. 'What?'

  'All this... this stealing.'

  Mr Fox stopped digging and stared at Badger as though he had gone completely dotty. 'My dear old furry frump,' he said, 'do you know anyone in the whole world who wouldn't swipe a few chickens if his children were starving to death?'

  There was a short silence while Badger thought deeply about this.

  'You are far too respectable,' said Mr Fox.

  'There's nothing wrong with being respectable,' Badger said.

  'Look,' said Mr Fox, 'Boggis and Bunce and Bean are out to kill us. You realize that, I hope?'

  'I do, Foxy, I do indeed,' said the gentle Badger.

  'But we're not going to stoop to their level. We don't want to kill them.'

  'I should hope not, indeed,' said Badger.

  'We wouldn't dream of it,' said Mr Fox. 'We shall simply take a little food here and there to keep us and our families alive. Right?'

  'I suppose we'll have to,' said Badger.

  'If they want to be horrible, let them,' said Mr Fox. 'We down here are decent peace-loving people.'

  Badger laid his head on one side and smiled at Mr Fox. 'Foxy,' he said, 'I love you.'

  'Thank you,' said Mr Fox. 'And now let's get on with the digging.'

  Five minutes later, Badger's front paws hit against something flat and hard. 'What on earth is this?' he said. 'It looks like a solid stone wall.' He and Mr Fox scraped away the soil. It was a wall. But it was built of bricks, not stones. The wall was right in front of them, blocking their way.

  'Now who in the world would build a wall under the ground?' asked Badger.

  'Very simple,' said Mr Fox. 'It's the wall of an underground room. And if I am not mistaken, it is exactly what I'm looking for.'

  15

  Bean's Secret Cider Cellar

  Mr Fox examined the wall carefully. He saw that the cement between the bricks was old and crumbly, so he loosened a brick without much trouble and pulled it away. Suddenly, out from the hole where the brick had been, there popped a small sharp face with whiskers. 'Go away!' it snapped. 'You can't come in here! It's private!'

  'Good Lord!' said Badger. 'It's
Rat!'

  'You saucy beast!' said Mr Fox. 'I should have guessed we'd find you down here somewhere.'

  'Go away!' shrieked Rat. 'Go on, beat it! This is my private pitch!'

  'Shut up,' said Mr Fox.

  'I will not shut up!' shrieked Rat. 'This is my place! I got here first!'

  Mr Fox gave a brilliant smile, flashing his white teeth. 'My dear Rat,' he said softly, 'I am a hungry fellow and if you don't hop it quickly I shall eat-you-up-in-one-gulp!'

  That did it. Rat popped back fast out of sight. Mr Fox laughed and began pulling more bricks out of the wall. When he had made a biggish hole, he crept through it. Badger and the Smallest Fox followed him in.

  They found themselves in a vast, damp, gloomy cellar. 'This is it!' cried Mr Fox.

  'This is what?' said Badger. 'The place is empty'

  'Where are the turkeys?' asked the Smallest Fox, staring into the gloom. 'I thought Bean was a turkey man.'

  'He is a turkey man,' said Mr Fox. 'But we're not after turkeys now. We've got plenty of food.'

  'Then what do we need, Dad?'

  'Take a good look round,' said Mr Fox. 'Don't you see anything that interests you?'

  Badger and the Smallest Fox peered into the half-darkness. As their eyes became accustomed to the gloom, they began to see what looked like a whole lot of big glass jars standing upon shelves around the walls. They went closer. They were jars. There were hundreds of them, and upon each one was written the word CIDER.

  The Smallest Fox leaped high in the air. 'Oh, Dad!' he cried out. 'Look what we've found! It's cider!'

  'Ex-actly,' said Mr Fox.

  'Tremendous!' shouted Badger.

  'Bean's Secret Cider Cellar,' said Mr Fox. 'But go carefully, my dears. Don't make a noise. This cellar is right underneath the farmhouse itself.'

  'Cider,' said Badger, 'is especially good for Badgers. We take it as medicine - one large glass three times a day with meals and another at bedtime.'

  'It will make the feast into a banquet,' said Mr Fox.

  While they were talking, the Smallest Fox had sneaked a jar off the shelf and had taken a gulp. 'Wow!' he gasped. 'Wow-ee!'

  You must understand this was not the ordinary weak fizzy cider one buys in a store. It was the real stuff, a home-brewed fiery liquor that burned in your throat and boiled in your stomach.

  'Ah-h-h-h-h-h!' gasped the Smallest Fox. 'This is some cider!'

  'That's quite enough of that,' said Mr Fox, grabbing the jar and putting it to his own lips. He took a tremendous gulp. 'It's miraculous!' he whispered, fighting for breath. 'It's fabulous! It's beautiful!'

  'It's my turn,' said Badger, taking the jar and tilting his head well back. The cider gurgled and bubbled down his throat. 'It's... it's like melted gold!' he gasped. 'Oh, Foxy, it's... like drinking sunbeams and rainbows!'

  'You're poaching!' shrieked Rat. 'Put that down at once! There'll be none left for me!' Rat was perched upon the highest shelf in the cellar, peering out from behind a huge jar. There was a small rubber tube inserted in the neck of the jar, and Rat was using this tube to suck out the cider.

  'You're drunk!' said Mr Fox.

  'Mind your own business!' shrieked Rat. 'And if you great clumsy brutes come messing about in here we'll all be caught! Get out and leave me to sip my cider in peace.'

  At that moment they heard a woman's voice calling out in the house above them. 'Hurry up and get that cider, Mabel!' the voice called. 'You know Mr Bean doesn't like to be kept waiting! Especially when he's been out all night in a tent!'

  The animals froze. They stayed absolutely still, their ears pricked, their bodies tense. Then they heard the sound of a door being opened. The door was at the top of a flight of stone steps leading down from the house to the cellar.

  And now someone was starting to come down those steps.

  16

  The Woman

  'Quick!' said Mr Fox. 'Hide!' He and Badger and the Smallest Fox jumped up on to a shelf and crouched behind a row of big cider jars. Peering around the jars, they saw a huge woman coming down into the cellar. At the foot of the steps, the woman paused, looking to right and left. Then she turned and headed straight for the place where Mr Fox and Badger and the Smallest Fox were hiding. She stopped right in front of them. The only thing between her and them was a row of cider jars. She was so close, Mr Fox could hear the sound of her breathing. Peeping through the crack between two bottles, he noticed that she carried a big rolling-pin in one hand.

  'How many will he want this time, Mrs Bean?' the woman shouted. And from the top of the steps the other voice called back, 'Bring up two or three jars.'

  'He drank four yesterday, Mrs Bean.'

  'Yes, but he won't want that many today because he's not going to be up there more than a few hours longer. He says the fox is bound to make a run for it this morning. It can't possibly stay down that hole another day without food.'

  The woman in the cellar reached out and lifted ajar of cider from the shelf. The jar she took was next but one to the jar behind which Mr Fox was crouching.

  'I'll be glad when the rotten brute is killed and strung up on the front porch,' she called out. 'And by the way, Mrs Bean, your husband promised I could have the tail as a souvenir.'

  'The tail's been all shot to pieces,' said the voice from upstairs. 'Didn't you know that?'

  'You mean it's ruined?'

  'Of course it's ruined. They shot the tail but missed the fox.'

  'Oh heck!' said the big woman. 'I did so want that tail!'

  'You can have the head instead, Mabel. You can get it stuffed and hang it on your bedroom wall. Hurry up now with that cider!'

  'Yes, Ma'am, I'm coming,' said the big woman, and she took a second jar from the shelf.

  If she takes one more, she'll see us, thought Mr Fox. He could feel the Smallest Fox's body pressed tightly against his own, quivering with excitement.

  'Will two be enough, Mrs Bean, or shall I take three?'

  'My goodness, Mabel, I don't care so long as you get a move on!'

  'Then two it is,' said the huge woman, speaking to herself now. 'He drinks too much anyway.'

  Carrying a jar in each hand and with the rolling-pin tucked under one arm, she walked away across the cellar. At the foot of the steps she paused and looked around, sniffing the air. 'There's rats down here again, Mrs Bean. I can smell 'em.'

  'Then poison them, woman, poison them! You know where the poison's kept.'

  'Yes, Ma'am,' Mabel said. She climbed slowly out of sight up the steps. The door slammed.

  'Quick!' said Mr Fox. 'Grab ajar each and run for it!'

  Rat stood on his high shelf and shrieked. 'What did I tell you! You nearly got nabbed, didn't you? You nearly gave the game away! You keep out of here from now on! I don't want you around! This is my place!'

  'You,' said Mr Fox, 'are going to be poisoned.'

  'Poppycock!' said Rat. 'I sit up here and watch her putting the stuff down. She'll never get me.'

  Mr Fox and Badger and the Smallest Fox ran across the cellar clutching a gallon jar each. 'Goodbye, Rat!' they called out as they disappeared through the hole in the wall. 'Thanks for the lovely cider!'

  'Thieves!' shrieked Rat. 'Robbers! Bandits! Burglars!'

  17

  The Great Feast

  Back in the tunnel they paused so that Mr Fox could brick up the hole in the wall. He was humming to himself as he put the bricks back in place. 'I can still taste that glorious cider,' he said. 'What an impudent fellow Rat is.'

  'He has bad manners,' Badger said. 'All rats have bad manners. I've never met a polite rat yet.'

  'And he drinks too much,' said Mr Fox, putting the last brick in place. 'There we are. Now, home to the feast!'

  They grabbed their jars of cider and off they went. Mr Fox was in front, the Smallest Fox came next and Badger last. Along the tunnel they flew... past the turning that led to Bunce's Mighty Storehouse... past Boggis's Chicken House Number One and then up the long home stret
ch towards the place where they knew Mrs Fox would be waiting.

  'Keep it up, my darlings!' shouted Mr Fox. 'We'll soon be there! Think what's waiting for us at the other end! And just think what we're bringing home with us in these jars! That ought to cheer up poor Mrs Fox.' Mr Fox sang a little song as he ran:

  'Home again swiftly I glide,

  Back to my beautiful bride.

  She'll not feel so rotten

  As soon as she's gotten

  Some cider inside her inside.'

  Then Badger joined in:

  'Oh poor Mrs Badger, he cried,

  So hungry she very near died.

  But she'll not feel so hollow

  If only she'll swallow

  Some cider inside her inside.'

  They were still singing as they rounded the final corner and burst in upon the most wonderful and amazing sight any of them had ever seen. The feast was just beginning. A large dining-room had been hollowed out of the earth, and in the middle of it, seated around a huge table, were no less than twenty-nine animals. They were:

  Mrs Fox and three Small Foxes.

  Mrs Badger and three Small Badgers.

  Mole and Mrs Mole and four Small Moles.

  Rabbit and Mrs Rabbit and five Small Rabbits.

  Weasel and Mrs Weasel and six Small Weasels.

  The table was covered with chickens and ducks and geese and hams and bacon, and everyone was tucking into the lovely food.

  'My darling!' cried Mrs Fox, jumping up and hugging Mr Fox. 'We couldn't wait! Please forgive us!' Then she hugged the Smallest Fox of all, and Mrs Badger hugged Badger, and everyone hugged everyone else. Amid shouts of joy, the great jars of cider were placed upon the table, and Mr Fox and Badger and the Smallest Fox sat down with the others.

  You must remember no one had eaten a thing for several days. They were ravenous. So for a while there was no conversation at all. There was only the sound of crunching and chewing as the animals attacked the succulent food.

  At last, Badger stood up. He raised his glass of cider and called out, A toast! I want you all to stand and drink a toast to our dear friend who has saved our lives this day - Mr Fox!'