Blue Love : Blue Valley High — Senior Year

by Mj Fields

  “Let’s get something straight. I am pissed at you, or was. It hasn’t sunk in yet, but I love you, anyway.” He winks then kisses my head.

  “You threw up after our fight?”

  Embarrassed, I look down.

  “Wow, Tessa, I have some effect on you, don’t I?”

  “Yeah, and it scares me.”

  He looks past me and stiffens.

  I turn back and see B1 and B2 behind me.

  “So, Lucas, you love this girl, huh?” B1 asks.

  “Well, hello, Madison and Lucy,” Lucas says calmly.

  I groan. “It’s like the movie Scrooge. So, we have four down and how many to go?”

  He kisses the top of my head then steps back.

  “Are you two here to apologize?” he asks the antagonists.

  Alex walks up, and Lucas nods to Alex’s truck. “You want to take Tessa?”

  “Anywhere she wants to go.” Alex pulls me away. When I try to wiggle free, he grabs me up.

  “Oh, so that’s what you’re into now?” Lucy asks. “He’s hot. I’ll play with him, too.”

  Both girls laugh as they check out Alex.

  “Nice ass,” they call after him.

  Phoebe starts off after them, but Alex grabs her around the waist and carries us both to the back of the truck where his tailgate is already down, and he sets us on it.

  Phoebe blushes. “Wow, you’re strong.”

  Alex smirks. “And you’re feisty.”

  She giggles, and even though I want to kick his and Lucas’s ass right now, all I can think is, Why didn’t I think of that? They’re … perfect for each other.

  “Look at them. Aren’t they cute?” Jade claps. “You have a date for homecoming, Alex?”

  “Not yet,” he says, still looking at Phoebe.

  Jade smiles. “Ask her, then.”

  “Butt out, Jade.” Alex’s eyes never leave Phoebe’s.

  Phoebe looks confused then disappointed, but Alex never looks away from her.

  And so, it begins, I think then focus on Lucas.

  The two Bs stand in front of him, and his hands are deep in his pockets.

  “He’s her brother,” Lucas says. “It’s not like that.”

  “So, what is it like?” Lucy laughs.

  “Yes, do tell,” Madison purrs.

  “I am sorry for whatever it was we were doing. It wasn’t right of me to treat you all like that.”

  “Oh shit, Linksy, we’re big girls. We loved it. Carla may be out, but there are still two of us that want to play.” Lucy reaches for his waistband.

  He moves away. “Knock it off. I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way. This is done. I have a girlfriend. I love her. And you two better leave her alone.”

  That’s right, bitches.

  “If we don’t, will you spank us?” Madison asks.

  “We are done here.” Lucas walks away and toward me.

  “See you soon,” Madison calls after him.

  “Not a chance,” he yells back, staring at me.

  Lucas walks up to the truck, grabs me, then pulls me behind him. Looking around wildly, he then turns and looks the same way at me. He leans down and presses his forehead against mine, and if green eyes could catch fire, his just did.

  A chill runs up my spine.

  “I’m supposed to give Phoebe a ride home, Lucas.”

  He yells over toward our friends, “Alex, I want to take Tessa home; could you give Phoebe a ride?” Lucas reaches into his pocket and tosses his keys to me. “You drive, please, to my house.”

  He is acting off, so I don’t argue. I hurry to his car, open the door, slide into the driver’s side, and adjust the seat and mirrors as he climbs in the passenger seat, leans it all the way back, and crosses his arms over his chest.

  “He’s letting her drive,” Lucy gasps.

  Madison sighs. “Well, that’s that.”

  Driving, I feel his eyes on me, and it’s making me uncomfortable.

  He grabs my hand closest to him and holds it over his chest. His heart is beating wildly under his incredibly chiseled chest as he tries to control his rapid breathing.

  Suddenly, a deer jumps out in the road, and I swerve. “Shit!”

  He darts up. “What was that?”

  “A deer,” I say, slowing down then blurting out the burning question, “Are you mad at me?”

  “No, baby, I’m just frustrated right now.” He removes his white hat and runs a hand through his hair that’s gotten longer.

  “Oh.”

  Frustrated about what? Sadi? The three Bs? What?

  “Pull over up here. There’s a turn around.”

  And now we’re turning around.

  I pull over, and he reaches toward the steering wheel, turning the key to shut off the car.

  “Baby, I need to tell you what is going on with me right now, and I need you to listen. Can you do that for me?”

  “Of course. I would do anything for you.”

  “Fuck, Tessa, that’s not what I want to hear right now,” he whines.

  “I’m sorry, Lucas. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  “Tessa, you know how hard it is for an alcoholic or drug abuser to stop using?” he asks.

  I look at my lap. “I’ve read about it.”

  He laughs out loud, and I know it’s at me.

  “To clean up, addicts have to stay away from their drug of choice, right?”

  I nod.

  “Now, imagine someone was trying to clean up in a bar or frat house, or … I don’t know, anywhere that drug is available. It would be impossible. Tessa, my drug of choice is sex. And I feel like a fucking crackhead that has a pipe surgically implanted in his body.”

  Confused, I ask, “How is sex like a drug? I don’t get it.”

  “Fuck, Tessa.” He grabs my hand and places it on the crotch of his pants. “This is what I’m talking about.”

  I yank my hand back, and my heart … hurts. “You want them?”

  “No, Tessa,” Again, he laughs at me. “This didn’t happen there. It happens as soon as I touch your hand, kiss your lips, inhale your sweet, flowery scent.”

  “Lavender.” I scowl down at my lap, where my hands are clasped together, and I run my thumb up and down the back of one of them.

  “You are killing me.” He slams a fist on the dash in frustration, not anger.

  “Okay.” It’s not like I haven’t thought of this happening with him. In fact, I have … a lot.

  I reach over and place my hand back on him, stroking him outside of his pants. Lucas groans and pushes against my hand … then pushes it away.

  “Lucas, I—”

  “As soon as that happens, things will change. I love you, Tessa. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to love you in a way I never have loved. You have loved me better than anyone, not because you have to, but because it’s who you are. I want to spend a very long time with you. I’m terrified that fucking will mess up everything good about us. I’m not willing to change what we have. And yeah, it—”

  “So, you’re never going to have sex with me?” I interrupt his super sweet declaration, annoyed that he thinks he’s got all the control here.

  He throws his head back in an angry and frustrated laugh.

  “Lucas, now you need to listen. Sometimes, I feel like you’re waiting for this to fail, and I will never feel what it’s like to have what everyone else has—”

  He punches the dash again, swings the door open, and then jumps out.

  Just as pissed as him, I throw the door open and jump out, yelling my own frustration and anger at him. “Is this a game to you? Do you like to play with my head and make me feel like I’m less desirable than any one of the dirty dozen, Lucas? Do you think I—”

  “What are you talking about, Tessa? I’m trying to be better for you. I’m not playing a game!”

  “Am I an experiment? A new toy? I want you, too, and sorry I don’t know what it feels like to be an addict, but I
want more with you so badly, and you keep acting like you don’t want me. I’m confused. This is all new to me, and if it is going to work with us”—I stomp toward him—“it will work because of this.” I hold my hand over my heart. “I’m guessing the bonus is …” I stop and point toward his erection.

  “I know you know that you think that way, and I wish that I had been brought up to feel that way. I want to change. And I know I am. Hell, I have looked four girls in the eyes today, knowing they are as fucked up as I am and told them I was sorry because it’s the right thing to do, because in the short time I’ve known you, I believe you when you say that’s needed.”

  “Okay,” I whisper as tears fill my eyes.

  “Okay what, Tessa?”

  “I don’t know!” I cry. “I don’t know how to make you feel better. If we have sex, it’ll get old for you? If we try to be friends, I think I’ll die without knowing you love me the way I love you. I don’t know what to say or do, okay, Lucas? All I know is, right now, I feel helpless and stupid, and my heart hurts and—”

  He closes the distance between us and pulls me into a hug. The hug that always makes me feel loved.

  “I would stay here forever with you if I knew that it would make you happy,” I whisper, and my tears stop falling when reality hits, and it hits hard.

  Stepping away from him, I look up into his confused eyes and no longer feel the same way about that hug.

  “Lucas, I know that I love you, and I’m happy and feel loved when I’m with you, but what happened earlier at school, and just now …” I grip my shirt above my chest. “It hurts. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep you happy, but it has to be forever, and I know right now you don’t feel like it can work. So, I’ll step back and give you the space you’re trying to make. And maybe you’ll miss me, and maybe you’ll love me. And Lucas, I’m not going anywhere, but you have to figure out how you really feel.”

  He says nothing for several minutes, while a movie reel runs through my head.

  “Thank you for loving me, anyway.”

  “You make me want to love you in a way I never have loved.”

  “You have loved me better than anyone.”

  “I should get you home,” he whispers, opening the passenger door.

  We drive for a while, and my feelings start becoming moot, my heart numb.

  I ask, “You okay?”

  “I’m better as long as I have you.”

  Is that what you really want? is what I want to ask. Instead, I nod.

  He takes my hand, holding it tight. Not bone-breaking tight, but tight enough that it feels like he’s hanging on to me like I’m some sort of lifeline.

  Wanting to believe we have a chance, I look over and ask, “Remember, at the game, when I told you to think of something unpleasant when you feel like you’re going to, um, explode? You should do that.”

  He laughs. “Okay, I will.”

  “Got any ideas?”

  “None yet.”

  “We’ll work on that.”

  Nothing more is said the entire ride.

  He walks me to the door, hugs me tight, and then kisses the top of my head. “Love you, Tessa Ross.”

  Throat now tight, I force a smile and look up. “I love you. See you in the morning. Drive safely. Call me when you get home.”

  When I walk inside, I see a sink full of dishes, bookbags on the floor, and hear the TV.

  I grab the cordless phone off the charger and hold it as I walk through the kitchen and into the living room. Dad and the kids are all watching TV.

  “Sorry we missed your game.” Kendall yawns. “We were doing hay. Alex said you won.”

  “Sure did?’ I smile and look around. “Where’s Alex?”

  Alex … Phoebe. God, I hope that for both of them.

  “At Ryan’s,” Jake answers. “One of the horses is having a baby.”

  “Cool.” Very cool.

  I do the dishes, make lunches for school, sweep and mop the floor. Then I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. All the while, I keep the cordless at arm’s length. Then I throw in a load of laundry.

  Resigned to the fact he isn’t going to call, I begin to get ready for bed.

  The phone rings.

  “I’m home safely. I love you more now than yesterday, Tessa Ross,” he says, sounding winded.

  “I feel blessed having you in my life, Lucas Links, so I thought of something.”

  “I thought of something, too—losing you.”

  “That is so sweet. All I could think of was dead puppies.”

  “You make me laugh.”

  “I’m a very funny girl.”

  But I’m really not. Hell, I’m wondering if I even know who I am.

  Chapter Fourteen

  By Friday morning, I’m a mess. I have that feeling, the same one I had over the summer, the one of a pending storm.

  I haven’t been sleeping or eating much, and I miss Mom. But I know it’s only because of everything going on with Lucas. Except for the occasional hello and goodbye, I haven’t talked to her at all.

  The past couple days, Lucas looks unhappy, and to see someone whose smile lights up the world and you desperately want to see happy that way, it makes me feel unworthy.

  Jade breathes out the words, “Oh damn.”

  I look down the hall and see Lucas carrying a big bouquet of yellow roses and white daisies. Tears immediately fill my eyes.

  “Damn, Tessa, they were supposed to make you happy, not sad.”

  He wants me to be happy.

  “I am happy.” I hug him. “It’s just that, two days ago, I was afraid I would lose you, and today, you’re here with flowers. I love you. They’re beautiful.” Then I kiss him as if we’re alone.

  He pulls away first, closes his eyes, presses his forehead to mine, and whispers, “Dead puppies,” over and over again.

  Laughing as I bat away tears, I ask, “Did it work?”

  “It did … right up until I opened my eyes and saw you,” Lucas whispers then pops a kiss to my cheek.

  “Maybe I should blindfold you before we kiss.”

  His nose flares and eyes close.

  “Oh, sorry, I wouldn’t have guessed. Dead puppies?”

  “A whole room full of them.” He laughs.

  “So”—Becca sits at the lunch table—“the big dance is tomorrow, and we were thinking mani-pedi’s and a bit of waxing tonight, the four of us.”

  “Sounds great.” I beam. Yes, I’m back to beaming. “After practice?”

  “What sounds great?” Lucas sits next to me.

  “The four of us going to get waxed.” Phoebe laughs.

  I look at Lucas. “You don’t mind, do you?”

  He closes his eyes.

  “Dead puppies?” I whisper.

  He laughs and nods.

  “Wax does it for you?” I am seriously confused by this. I mean, eyebrow waxing? What could possibly be sexual about … Ohhh.

  He arches a brow.

  I look away. “We are going after practice to get mani-pedi’s and eyebrow waxing.”

  “Right after?” Lucas asks.

  “If we don’t, we won’t be home until midnight.”

  “Where are you going?” he asks.

  “Probably Ithaca.”

  “Can I drive you?”

  “I think I’ll ride with the girls. It would be silly for you to drive me.”

  “I want to,” he says firmly.

  “Are you upset about this?”

  “No, it just means I won’t see you tonight.”

  “But I will have pretty feet and nails for the dance on Saturday.”

  “I like them the way they are.” He sticks out his lower lip purposely.

  “I want to be beautiful for you.”

  He scowls. “If it gets any better, then you better bring a basket of those puppies with you.”

  I laugh. “Why don’t you, Tommy, and Alex go to dinner? I’ll call you and let you know where we are a
nd when we should be done, and maybe we can hook up after?”

  “Or maybe I will go home and pout,” Lucas says.

  “If you do, take a picture. Incredibly adorable.” I kiss his nose.

  His brows shoot up. “Did you just call me fucking adorable?”

  After school, we pile into Becca’s car and drive to Ithaca with the radio cranked and singing at the top of our lungs. We talk and laugh as we get pampered.

  I choose French tips, so it looks like I actually have nails. Jade goes red, Phoebe hot pink, and Becca light pink. Then we get our eyebrows waxed, and I brave a bikini wax, something I regret right away.

  After, I find a payphone and call Lucas.

  “Hey, baby, what are you doing?”

  “Hanging at home.”

  “Are you still going to meet us for dinner?”

  “Nah, I’ll see you at the game tomorrow.”

  “Lucas, are you—”

  “Tessa, chill. I’m tired. No big deal.”

  “Yeah. Sure. See you tomorrow.”

  He hangs up, and I feel sick … again.

  I turn to look at the girls, and Jade’s smile falls as soon as she sees my face.

  “What’s going on?” Jade asks.

  “Lucas isn’t coming out.” I force a smile. “Doesn’t mean we can’t.”

  “Alex isn’t, either.” Phoebe smiles adorably. Alex asked her to homecoming, which has been the highlight of my week.

  Jade hops out of the car. “Then it’s just us girls. I’ll call Tommy and let him know.”

  “Don’t, Jade.” I shake my head. “You don’t want him to get mad at you.”

  “Mad at me?” She laughs. “He’ll completely understand.”

  And he does. He tells her to have a good time, and he doesn’t hang up on her, either. He tells her that he loves her.

  After dinner, Jade says, “Let’s grab something for your boo-boo-face boyfriend at McDonalds and drop it off. Make out for a few minutes, we’ll wait in the car, and then everything will be fine.”

  “Sounds like a good idea, right?” Phoebe asks.

  “Yeah, actually, it does,” I agree.

  “Next right, and then his house is the Colonial on the top of the hill.” I smile as we get closer to his place and pull into the driveway. “I’ll run in and be right back.”