As the afternoon passed, I spent some time alone in my room. My thoughts kept returning to the text from Chuck on my phone. What could he possibly want to talk about? Why would he be reaching out to me now, after all this time?
I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like to see him again. Would I want to pick things up where we’d left off?
I tried to pretend I was in a world where nothing had gone wrong and nothing could tear us apart. But each time I imagined Chuck, his features were replaced with Gabriel’s face. No matter how much I tried to ignore it, Gabriel showed up every time.
At dinner, I did my best to distract myself by digging deep into conversation with my friends. Surrounded by them and their support, I felt less like leaving Oak Brook, but a subtle fear still made me wonder if it was the right choice.
I noticed that Gabriel wasn’t at dinner. Was he avoiding me? Did this mean he wouldn’t show up to the music room that evening?
By the time I left the cafeteria, my stomach was in knots. I couldn’t blame him if he didn’t show. I’d made it clear that there wouldn’t be anything between us. But I’d hoped that perhaps he still wanted to be my friend.
As I waited in the music room for him, minutes ticked by. It became more and more likely that he’d decided not to come. Maybe I hadn’t been wrong about him. Maybe he really did only want one thing from me and when I told him that it wouldn’t happen, he decided he didn’t care anymore. The thought sent spikes of pain through me.
Several more minutes passed. The chance of his coming faded.
I recalled another time I’d counted down the minutes. Holed up in my room at my aunt’s house, near the end of my pregnancy, I’d been so bored that I’d begun to count the minutes. The minutes between words spoken. The minutes between phone calls from my mother. Then I’d count the minutes again. But this time, it was the minutes between contractions. The minutes until I would meet my baby girl. The minutes until I would say goodbye.
A tear slipped down my cheek at the memory of those final moments I’d had with her. I’d sung her the same song I’d sung to her since the first month of my pregnancy. It wasn’t a lullaby, but a promise. A promise to always love her and to do what was best for her. A promise that her life would be beautiful and full of everything she could wish for.
As my fingertips traced the keys on the piano, I began to sing the song. Soon I began to play it as well.
I closed my eyes and remembered the way I felt each time I sang it to her. It seemed to me that it was the one pure thing I could do for her. I wanted her to know my voice. I wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone and that she never would be. Of that I was confident.
“Every twinkle in the sky is a star just for you. You’ll never have to ask why, just make your wish and watch your dream come true.” My fingers traveled across the keys as I hummed along to the melody.
Suddenly I heard another instrument join in. A guitar. I glanced over my shoulder as Gabriel walked toward me, his fingers strumming the strings and his eyes settled on mine.
Chapter 14
My fingers froze and my voice stuck in my throat as I realized that Gabriel had been listening the whole time.
“Did you write that?” He let the guitar rest against his stomach as he stepped further into the room.
“Yes.”
“For the baby?” He continued to look into my eyes.
“Yes.” I bit into my bottom lip. “It’s just something I would sing to her while I was pregnant.” I offered a short laugh. “I’m sure that you don’t want to hear about that.”
“Her?” He sat down on the piano bench beside me. “You had a girl?”
“Yes.” I squeezed my hands together as I prepared myself for his judgment. I’d overheard the whispers. How could she give her baby away? How can anyone be so cruel?
He had to be thinking the same thing.
I looked down at the keys in front of me.
“Where is she now?” He pulled his guitar off, then propped it up against the side of the piano.
“My aunt adopted her.” I took a deep breath to hold back my emotions. “She’s always wanted a child, but she couldn’t get pregnant. My parents arranged it when I found out I was pregnant.”
“You were okay with it?” He tipped his head in an attempt to meet my eyes again.
“Not exactly. I wasn’t sure what to think at the time. I was so confused.”
“I’m sure you were.”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.” I cleared my throat. “I thought you weren’t coming.”
“Sorry, I got caught up with some things. But I’m here now.” He leaned closer to me. “It’s okay, you know—if you want to talk. I’d like to hear about it.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s important to you. It’s something huge that happened.” He shrugged. “I want to know everything that you’re willing to share with me.”
“And what are you willing to share with me?” I met his eyes. “About why you won’t play in front of an audience anymore? About why you have so much sadness in your voice when you sing?”
“I guess that’s fair.” He sighed. “I’m asking you to share things with me, I should be able to share things with you. But it’s hard for me to talk about.”
“Giving up my baby is hard for me to talk about too.” I frowned. “Most people think I’m a horrible person because of it.”
“That can’t be true.” He took my hand. “Jenny, you should know that what you did was so brave. You did what was right for your baby and for your aunt. She’s going to have a wonderful life, just like your song says. I don’t think I could ever be as brave as you.”
“You really think that?” I looked into his eyes.
“Of course I do. I don’t know what I would have done if I were in your situation, but I do know that I admire you for the choices that you made. I also know that it couldn’t have been easy and that coming back here hasn’t been easy either.” He frowned. “It wasn’t easy for me to be here either—until I met you.”
“What’s it been like? To go to so many different schools?”
“It’s just one of those things where you realize that you’ll probably never fit in—anywhere. I think my mom hoped that each new start would be a chance for me to be more normal. She always gets disappointed when it’s not.” He shrugged.
“That must be rough.” I searched his eyes. “But now you’ve finally found the right place. Maby and the rest of my friends—they’ll welcome you with open arms. They’re a really great group of people.”
“They seem that way.” He frowned. “But I’m not so sure that I’m the right fit for them.”
“There’s no right fit, trust me.” I smiled as I studied him. “All of us have been the new person at one time or another. We know how it feels.”
“Maybe.” He stood up from the piano bench. “I keep waiting for things to feel right, you know?” He glanced over at me. “But sometimes I think they might not ever be.”
“I want to take you somewhere.” I stood up and took his hand. The instant I did, it felt like sparks rushed through me. I took a sharp breath as I realized my mistake, but it was too late.
His fingers curled tightly around my hand.
“Okay, where are we going?” He met my eyes.
“A place where no matter what is going on around me, I can always find peace.” I did my best to ignore the connection between us. I had to be the stronger one of the two of us, I knew that now, because I was the one with the most to lose.
I led him out of the music room, out of the school and across the campus to the hideout. I hadn’t asked for Maby’s permission yet, but I felt strongly that she would approve. Even if she didn’t, she would certainly forgive me.
“Where are we going?” He hesitated as we neared the empty buildings.
“Don’t worry, no one else comes out here. This part of the campus hasn’t been used for years, it’s mostly just a storage area.” I tugge
d him toward a door.
“Aren’t we going to get in trouble for this?” He frowned as he pulled me back away from the entrance of the building.
“Are you really scared?” I grinned as I looked back at him.
“I just don’t want to cause any problems for you.” He shrugged. “I know how hard it’s been for you since you came back.”
“Don’t worry.” I smiled as I held his gaze. “I’m not afraid.” With that I opened the door and pulled him through it.
“Jenny, I don’t know—”
I flipped on a switch and the entire room was flooded with sparkling lights that revealed the painted walls and the assortment of curtains and decorations that made the hideout one of the most interesting places to be.
“Wow.” He took a step back as he looked around. “What is this place?”
“Maby and I created it during our freshman year. It’s a place to get away from the rest of the school—just for our friends. Sometimes at a boarding school it’s hard to find a place that feels like home, and to us, this is our home.” I turned back to face him. “And now it’s yours too.”
“Are you sure about that?” He frowned. “I’m not so sure that Maby even likes me. She didn’t seem so happy about me not being part of the talent show.”
“Maby is Maby. She always will be. She has a strong personality, but her intentions are always good. She just thinks that she’s always right, and to be honest, most of the time she is.” I pulled him farther in. “Come with me, I want to show you the second floor.”
“Alright.” He smiled as he followed me up the stairs.
“This is where I thought we could practice a little self-defense without getting caught by security.” I walked over to a candle in the dim space and grabbed a match to light it. “We don’t use the lights up here because it might be spotted, but I think we’d have enough room.”
“I’d say so.” He looked around the wide-open space. “Does someone use it for dance?”
“Dance, to practice routines for cheerleading, to run around for fun, whatever we feel like doing.” I shrugged. “That’s the best part of this place. There are no rules. Well, except for one.” I walked up to him and looked him straight in the eye. “Only that it doesn’t exist. Can I trust you, Gabe?”
“Yes, you can.” He took my hands and stared back at me. “I’ll do everything I can to prove that.”
Chapter 15
The intensity of his gaze made me take a step back and pull my hands free. I took a slow breath as I turned away from him.
“You don’t have to do that.” He murmured his words but allowed me to create my distance. “You don’t have to pull away.”
“I do.” I shook my head. “I do because you and I both know what can’t happen here.”
“You do.” He frowned. “I don’t know that it can’t happen. Not at all.”
“You should.” I looked back at him. “That’s how you can prove to me that I can trust you, by making sure that it doesn’t happen.”
“I’m not sure that I can do that.” He sighed as he ran his hands back through his hair. “Jenny, I can’t help how I feel about you. I can’t just pretend that I don’t have this connection with you. But I promise I will respect your boundaries. Can that be enough for now?”
“It’s a good start.” I smiled and gave him a light shove. “So, what about those lessons you promised me?”
“Oh, I think it’s about time we worked on them.”
“Bring it on!” I waved my fists around and hopped from one foot to the other.
“I see we have a lot of work to do.” He cringed.
“Hey!” I laughed. “I can handle it.”
“I’m sure you can throw a punch—maybe with a little help.” He caught my hand by the wrist. “But that’s not your problem. Your problem is that you don’t want to fight.”
“What do you mean?” I frowned. “You think I want to be pushed around?”
“Let’s find out.” He met my eyes. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
“I know you won’t.” My words were cut off by his shoving me hard enough to knock me back a few steps.
“Wow, okay.” I balled my hands into fists. “What’s next?”
Again, he shoved me, though I noticed that his hands were soft against my shoulders. His eyes found mine as he reached to shove me for a third time.
“I don’t see how this is going to teach me anything.” I frowned as my shoulders bumped into a wall. He stood directly in front of me, his eyes still settled on mine.
“Not once did you raise your hands, not once did you try to defend yourself.” He took a step back. “You have zero instinct to protect yourself. That’s what I noticed when those girls attacked you.”
“Well, I don’t know how to fight.” I shrugged.
“It’s not about that and you know it.” He placed his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. “You don’t think you’re worth fighting for. That’s what stops you from putting your hands up, from throwing a punch, from defending yourself in any way. You want them to hit you.” He touched my cheek. “You deserve to be safe, Jenny.”
“Boundaries, remember.” I pulled his hand away from my cheek and took a shaky breath.
“Sorry.” He let his hand fall back to his side. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
I swallowed hard as I looked away from him. I knew he wasn’t wrong. I knew that when someone began to torment me, my first instinct was to agree with them.
“I wasn’t always like this.”
“Tell me what happened.” He leaned back against the wall beside me. “What happened to convince you that you deserve to be hurt?”
“When I first came to Oak Brook, it was one of the best experiences of my life. I’ve always been an adventurous person and the idea of living away from home thrilled me. Plus, I had Maby here with me and that made it like an endless summer camp, just one fun day after the next. I’ve always made it my goal not to take anything too seriously, including myself. I just wanted to have fun.” I frowned. “Then I met Chuck. He was a lot like me.” I glanced at Gabriel, unsure if he really wanted to hear what I had to say.
“I’m listening.”
“He was all about fun—living in the moment—and I thought we were so similar. We got along well. Then he told me he loved me and I didn’t have any reason not to believe him.” I shrugged. “I had no idea what love was, really. I’d never even had a boyfriend before. So, I told him that I loved him too and we started to make plans for the future. We had this crazy dream that we were going to get married and travel the world together. We were going to have as much fun as humanly possible.” I laughed as I shook my head. “We wanted to hunt leprechauns and ride in a barrel down a waterfall and just do the craziest stuff we could think of doing.”
“Sounds like fun.” He smiled. “I can see why you meshed so well. But you weren’t in love with him?”
“I thought I was. I honestly did. Until...” I met his eyes, then looked quickly away. “It doesn’t matter. We were young and stupid. That’s what it comes down to. I think for Chuck the dream was just a dream, but for me, it was everything. I had all my hopes pinned on this idea. Since we were both so adventurous, I didn’t see a reason to hold back and neither did he.” I sighed and closed my eyes. “I really don’t think you want to hear about this.”
“I do.” He laced his fingers through mine. “Just keep your eyes closed and tell me. What happened?”
“I wanted him to be happy. When things went a little farther than I was comfortable with, I tried to slow him down, I tried to think straight. But every time I would pull away, he would kiss me again. Every time I started to surface from the passion we shared, he’d find a way to tug me back into it. He didn’t force me.” I opened my eyes and looked straight into his. “But it was like I couldn’t come up for air. It was like the part of me that was supposed to make decisions didn’t exist anymore. I was so swept up in the intensity of it that it happened before I even re
alized it was happening. I know that sounds ridiculous.”
“No, it doesn’t.” His voice softened. “When you feel strongly about someone and those feelings get mixed with the natural desires we have, logic can go right out the window.”
“Exactly.” I sighed. “After it was all over, I regretted everything instantly. I realized what kind of position I’d put myself in. I realized that it was something I could never take back. But I was scared. I thought that if I just pretended that it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have to deal with the emotions that went along with it. Then I found out I was pregnant and there was no way to ignore it any more. I felt so stupid, so embarrassed, and so many things at once. I guess I’ve never stopped. I feel like I created this whole problem, all because of one simple, stupid mistake. So yes, I’m angry at myself.”
“You think you deserve to be punished?” He frowned as he stared at me.
“Of course I do.” I stared back at him. “Look what I did.”
“Look what you did.” He shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Don’t lie to me.” I laughed and pulled my hand away. “There’s no way to sugarcoat it.”
“Jenny, you had sex with someone you thought you loved. You got caught up in emotions, in pleasure.” He took my hand again and tightened his grasp on it. “Just like any human being can. But look what you did.” He pulled me closer to him and tilted his head to catch my eye when I tried to look away. “You faced the consequences, you made choices that most people in your position couldn’t even begin to handle. You came out on the other side, you’re here now, and you are far stronger than you know. I can see that. I have seen that from the moment I met you and I see it even more now. What you did doesn’t make you weak or bad, it makes you someone who can handle anything.”
Chapter 16
“I thought you said I could trust you?” I glared at Gabriel.
“You can.” He searched my eyes.
“I can’t. You’re just telling me what I want to hear. Not the truth.”
A Fresh Start: A Young Adult Sweet Romance (Oak Brook Academy Book 5) Page 6
