“It is the truth.” He squeezed my hand. “I mean every word I say. I admire you for what you did, for how brave you are.”
“I’m not brave! Please stop saying that!” I tugged my hand free and covered my face. “You have no idea what it was like.”
“Then tell me.” He gently pulled my hands away from my face.
“I can’t.” I blinked back tears as I looked at him.
“I don’t want you to tell me the truth because I want to know.” He trailed his fingertip along the back of my hand. “I want you to tell me the truth because I hope that it will help you to feel less alone.”
“I’m not sure that it will.” I sighed. “I’m not sure that anything will. I keep thinking about those last moments with her and I get so overwhelmed.”
“It’s okay.” He nodded. “You don’t have to tell me anything. But I’m here to listen if you want to.”
I bit into my bottom lip. For months I’d been doing my best to avoid the topic. When my mother brought it up, I ignored it. When my therapist pressured me in session about it, I flat-out refused to discuss it. Just the thought of it created a panic within me. But maybe Gabriel was right. Maybe I needed to talk about it. Maybe he was the one person who could understand.
“Everyone was so eager to tell me about how terrible pregnancy would be. About the throwing up, the swollen ankles, the aches and pains. Then everyone filled my head with horror stories about what birth would be like and how I would never feel a pain more intense than that. But nobody told me the truth about what giving her up would be like.” I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes. “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret my decision. I know that she has an amazing life and so much to look forward to. But I wasn’t prepared for what it would be like—to give birth to this amazing little being and then have her taken from me.” I pressed my hand against my chest. “Giving birth is like being turned inside out, but letting her go was like having a part of me ripped away.”
“But you knew that she would be happy. You didn’t really consider the idea of raising her yourself, did you?” He shifted closer to me. “It’s what you wanted, right?”
“Of course it was what I wanted. Do you think I want to be a parent at my age?” I raised my eyebrows. “I don’t think so. But I did for a few days consider what it would be like to keep her. I imagined snuggling with her, singing to her, and showing her all the wonderful things in life. But then I realized that it wouldn’t always be like that. I’d be tired, alone, and missing out on a future and so would she. I knew that with my aunt she would have so many more opportunities.”
“Then you did the right thing.” He smiled at me.
“I did. I have no doubt about that.” I curled my hand around his. “But that didn’t change the fact that when I had to hand her over, my entire world changed and this piece of me—this piece that I didn’t even know I had—was taken from me.” I whispered. “Sometimes I still touch my belly, expecting her to be there. Doesn’t that sound crazy?”
“It doesn’t sound crazy to me at all. You and your daughter went through a journey together, a special one that no one else will ever share.” He took my hands. “Jenny, you can’t punish yourself for something as amazing as that.”
“That’s not how other people see it.” I closed my eyes. “They see me as a screw-up, as someone who made a terrible mistake, as damaged goods.”
“All that matters is how you see yourself.” He murmured his words as he wrapped one arm around me. “Jenny, I’ll be your friend, I’ll never stop being your friend. I will do everything I can to protect you. But it won’t make any difference if you’re not willing to protect yourself.”
I rested my head against his chest and sighed. I had no idea if I could do what he asked, if I could stop punishing myself for something that had changed my life so much. But feeling his arm around me was the most comfort that I’d ever experienced.
“How can you know so much about all this, Gabe?” I opened my eyes and peered up at him. “How can you understand what I’m feeling better than I do?”
“I’ve learned a lot.” He cleared his throat. “Through grief counseling.”
“Grief counseling?” I studied him.
“This isn’t easy for me to talk about.” He frowned. “In fact, I haven’t talked to anyone other than my counselor about it, and even then, it’s only been because I can’t stand her staring at me for an hour.”
“Maybe you could talk to me about it?” I wrapped my hand around his. “I can listen too.”
“I want to.” He shook his head. “I’ve never wanted to before, but with you, I want to. It’s just...” He pulled away and looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t know how to put it into words. Everyone keeps asking me how I am, and I have no idea how to answer that. At least here, no one knows. Which makes it easier. But then, I feel like I’m just an impostor.”
“You can tell me anything.” I took his hand again. “You can tell me as much as you want or as little as you want—whatever feels right to you.”
“I’ve never felt as safe as I do around you.” He looked back at me. “When we play together…” He took a sharp breath. “When we play together, I’m me again—me before everything changed.”
“What changed, Gabe? What makes it so hard for you to play in front of other people?”
“I used to do concerts and shows. But I didn’t do them alone.” He ran his hand along the back of his neck. “I learned to sing and play guitar from my father. He would take me along to his gigs and then he started to invite me up on stage and we’d play together.” His jaw tensed as he stared hard at the floor. “I loved it more than anything. Being up there with him—it was like being in a different world.”
“It must have been an amazing experience for both of you.”
“I hope so.” He swallowed hard. “But last year, he died.” His voice wavered as he spoke. “I don’t think I’ve ever even said that out loud. It was sudden, it was unexpected. He had a heart attack even though he was healthy.” He looked into my eyes. “I didn’t even know that was possible.”
“I’m so sorry.” I cupped his cheeks as I saw tears build in his eyes. “Gabriel, I can’t even imagine how painful that is for you. I’m so sorry.”
“You can imagine.” He whispered his words as he looked at me. “You can imagine, because you just described it. A part of me was ripped away, a part that I didn’t even know could be taken from me. And this person, this man that I admired more than any other person in the world, is just gone. And I’m supposed to find a way to heal from that.” He blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. “How do I do that?”
“Not alone.” I stroked his cheek and wiped away a tear that slipped from the corner of his eye. “And not on anyone’s timeline but yours. I’m sorry I pressured you about the talent show. I had no idea.”
“I know.” He turned his cheek into my touch, then took a slow breath. “The idea excited me at first—the thought of playing with you. I thought I could do it. But then I imagined getting up on stage without him and everything came rushing back. I’m sorry that I can’t.”
Chapter 17
“Don’t be.” I wrapped my arms around him. “Don’t ever be sorry, Gabe.”
“I wish I could be stronger for you,” he murmured beside my ear. “I’ve never felt the way I do when I play with you, and I know that being on stage with you would be something I’d never forget, but I just can’t.”
“You don’t have to.” I pressed my cheek against his as I held him. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. We’ll figure all this out together. Now that we’ve found each other, neither of us has to be alone.”
“This is the worst self-defense class ever.” He laughed into the curve of my neck.
I shivered as his breath tickled against my skin. Hearing his laughter was sweeter than any sound I’d ever heard. It drew a smile to my lips that felt brighter and more real than I’d experienced in a long time.
“I think it was pretty great.” I pulled back some to look at him. “Do you still want to see if I can throw a punch?”
“I’m a little scared now.” He grinned as he backed away. “But bring it on!”
I raised an eyebrow as I did my best to make a fist and sent it flying through the air in his direction.
He caught it easily and held my wrist as he pulled me close to him.
“Not bad.” He nodded as he trailed his thumb along my knuckles. “I can work with that.”
“You sure?” I grinned as I looked into his eyes.
“Positive.” He released my hand and gave me a light shove. “Again.” He gestured for me to swing a punch toward his face.
“I don’t think I can—I don’t want to hurt you.”
“No?” He smiled as he studied me. “What if I told you I loved you? Would you want to hurt me then?”
“Don’t.” I glared at him.
“I didn’t, I just asked.”
“Gabe!”
“It was just a question.” He grinned. “So? Are you going to throw a punch at me now?”
“Absolutely.” I swung hard in his direction.
Again he caught it easily and this time as he pulled me close, I fell against his chest. For a moment my mind swirled and I tipped my head up, ready to kiss him.
His lips neared mine as well, but he stopped short of touching them and drew his head back.
“Good lesson.” He smiled as he ran his hands down the length of my arms. “You’ve got some natural skill. I’ll have you knocking out bullies in no time.”
Stunned by the near-kiss and his avoidance of it, it took me a second to catch up with his words.
“That should do wonders for my reputation.” I shook my head.
“All that matters is that you don’t deserve to be hurt, Jenny. Hopefully you never have to defend yourself, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to.” He glanced at his watch. “Neither of us are going to be able to defend ourselves if we miss curfew. We’d better get back to the dorms.”
“Such a rule follower.” I winked at him.
“One of us has to be.” He gave me a light nudge with his elbow. “Tomorrow after school, let’s play together. Can we?”
“Of course. I’d love that.” I took his hand as I led him down the stairs and out of the building.
When we neared the courtyard, I noticed a few other students still milling about. Instinctively I pulled my hand away from his.
“Hey.” He frowned as he reached for it again.
“No, don’t.” I pulled it away before he could grasp it.
“Why?” He met my eyes. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Gabe, I appreciate your support and your friendship, but your being seen with me isn’t going to do anything good for your reputation.” I blushed as I heard a few students whispering not far from us.
“Listen to me.” He took my hand—firmly this time—and looked into my eyes. “I’m proud to hold your hand. I’m proud to be your friend.” He hesitated, then continued. “I’d be proud to be part of your life in any way that you let me.”
“Maybe, but I doubt that your mother would agree with that.” I pursed my lips. “She made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want you to have anything to do with me. I don’t want to cause you more trouble than what you’re already dealing with.”
“You’re not any kind of trouble.” He frowned. “You’re the best thing that has happened to me. My mom is clueless about a lot of things. I know she loves me, but we’ve never gotten along very well. Now I think she’s made it her mission to protect me from everything that could possibly hurt me as a way of trying to make up for my losing my dad.” He shook his head. “I don’t know, at least that’s how my counselor explained it to me. Whatever it is, she’s gotten a little overprotective. But she’s wrong.”
He squeezed my hand. “From the first moment I saw you, I knew that you were going to change my life, and you have. You’ve opened my eyes and healed me in ways that I didn’t even think were possible. So yes, if you tell me not to hold your hand, I will respect you and not hold your hand. But I will never stop wanting to. I will never stop reaching for it. I will never stop hoping that you will let me. You’ve taught me how to be brave, Jenny, so please, let me show it off.”
His words brought tears to my eyes, but I looked away before he could see them. Without another protest, I let him take my hand.
As we walked through the courtyard together, the other students stared at us. I heard whispers. I heard my name. I heard cruel laughter. But none of it mattered, thanks to the warmth of his touch and the pride in his step. For the first time in over a year, I felt as if I belonged, not at Oak Brook Academy, not even with my friends, but with Gabriel, who walked so proudly beside me.
As we reached the dorms, he turned to look at me. “Tomorrow we play?”
“Absolutely.” I gave his hand a squeeze, then turned toward the girls’ dormitory. I couldn’t wait to tell Maby about the experience I’d had and about how amazing Gabriel was. As I burst through the door, she stood up from the sofa. She put her hands on her hips as she stared at me.
“We need to talk.”
“Yes, we do!” I grinned as I sat down on the sofa. “I have so much to tell you.”
“I’m sure you do.” She stood in front of me and shook her head. “Maybe you should start with why you and Gabriel were alone together in the hideout?”
“What?” I stared up at her, my heart still racing from my encounter with Gabriel in the courtyard.
“Don’t play innocent with me. I know you were there.” She frowned.
“Yes, we were there. I didn’t think you’d mind. You were the one who said we should take him under our wing. Weren’t you?”
“Under our wing, not into our arms.” She quirked an eyebrow. “Jenny, I love you so much. But what are you thinking?”
Chapter 18
“You’re upset because I took him to the hideout?” I frowned. “I figured you would take him there eventually.”
“No, I’m upset because you were alone with him. You didn’t tell me you were going to be and I have no idea what is going on with you.” She sat down beside me. “The last thing you told me was that you didn’t want anything to do with a relationship.”
“Wow.” I sighed as I looked down at my hands. “I didn’t expect this from you, Maby.”
“What? That I would want to be part of your life? That I would want to know what’s going on with you? Is that so wrong?”
“I don’t think it’s wrong. But is that what you really want or are you worried that I’m going to make another mistake?” I met her eyes. “Is that what’s really going on here?”
“I trust you. I’m not so sure about Gabriel. I don’t know him very well.”
“If you trust me, then you should be able to trust my judgment, but you don’t.” I frowned.
“I can’t help it. After Chuck took advantage of you, I just can’t stand the thought of someone doing that to you again.”
“Maby!” I looked into her eyes. “Chuck didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve told you this before. We were just two dumb kids who let things go too far. You can’t keep blaming him for something we both did.”
“If that’s the case, then why are you still avoiding him? I noticed you ignoring a text from him earlier today. Is it because you still have feelings for him?” Maby frowned. “I’m sorry, Jenny. I feel like I’m on the outside of your life looking in and it’s not a good feeling. I just want to know what’s going on.”
“I’ve been avoiding Chuck because I don’t know how I feel about him. What we had—maybe it wasn’t love—but it was real. It was a connection. I wondered for just a second what it would be like to be with him again.” I shook my head. “Now I know it’s not what I want. But Chuck and I have a lot between us right now—a lot to sort out. And I just don’t know if I’m ready to do it.”
“But you’re ready to hold h
ands with Gabriel?” She raised an eyebrow.
“How did you know that so fast?” I rolled my eyes.
“I know everything, you know that.” Maby nudged my elbow. “But I shouldn’t be hearing it from gossip hounds. I should be hearing about it from my best friend who wants me to know what’s going on in her life.” She searched my eyes. “Is that so much to ask?”
“No, it’s not.” I hugged her. “I’m sorry. I’ve been so caught up in trying to hide that I’ve even been hiding from you and I know that’s not fair. I guess I’ve been a little worried about what you might think of me.”
“You should never worry about that.” She hugged me back. “No matter what happens in life, Jenny, there is only one thing you need to know and that is that I’m always in your corner. Always.”
“That means so much to me.” I smiled as I pulled back to look at her. “Then maybe I can tell you what I came home wanting to tell you? Because I’ve never been so confused in my life. Seriously—ever.”
“Oh boy, this sounds like a good one. Let me get the popcorn.” Maby hurried into the kitchen.
As I settled back on the sofa, my heart pounded with a mixture of joy and anticipation. I had my best friend back, someone I trusted more than anyone. I also had someone new in my life. Someone I looked forward to seeing.
As I spilled the details of my experience with Gabriel to Maby, I had no idea where it would lead, but getting it out left me feeling just as giddy and excited as his laughter against my neck had moments before.
“Wow, that’s pretty intense.” Maby popped a piece of popcorn into her mouth. “Who knew quiet little Gabriel had so much depth?”
“Right?” I laughed and tossed some popcorn in my mouth.
“Wait.” She caught my hand before I could grab another handful. “Jenny, seriously. What do you think of him?”
“I think he’s probably the most interesting and wonderful person I’ve ever met. Excluding present company of course.”
A Fresh Start: A Young Adult Sweet Romance (Oak Brook Academy Book 5) Page 7
