The Marriage Contract

by Kim Hartfield

  Now that twelve years had gone by, the familiarity that might’ve muffled my attraction to her was gone. I didn’t know every detail of her like I once had – there was a years-long missing gap – but that only enticed me more. I wanted to know every single thing she’d done when we’d been apart – wanted every last detail.

  “I… I just don’t know,” she breathed. “I think I’d better go to bed.”

  Eleven – Poppy

  I lay in bed, my thoughts spinning more with every beat of my heart. Just a few feet away, Leah was lying on the couch. Leah, my best friend since birth, the one who got me like no one else – and who apparently was harboring a crush on me.

  How long had she wanted me? How bad was the infatuation? I wished I had the details, but then again, they might only make it worse. I didn’t even know if she wanted to fool around or if she was in love with me – although from the look on her face, I was inclined to think the latter.

  How could I have missed her feelings for me? It was true that I hadn’t known she was gay – but now, these past few months, she’d never said or done anything to make me think she liked me, either.

  Or had she? The memory of Mary and Lloyd saying I’d “enticed” her came back to me, and their suggestions about why she would’ve flown back here just to visit me. They must’ve noticed something I’d been to oblivious to see.

  And I couldn’t have been more oblivious back in the day. I’d said we should get married, for heaven’s sake! It must’ve pained her so badly to hear that. I’d made it seem like the only way I’d ever want her was if I had absolutely no other options.

  It’d felt like a fun, silly thing to say at the time. I’d been so unaware of my own sexuality, I couldn’t have seen it any other way.

  Now that I knew I was attracted to women, was it still so ridiculous? She was beautiful, no doubt about it. Even with her dyed hair in high school, she’d been stunning. I loved spending time with her, and I never got tired of her company.

  I definitely loved Leah. But… did I want to rip her clothes off? If that was the difference between friendly love and romantic love, that was the question I needed to answer – and honestly, I’d never asked it before.

  Rolling over, I pressed my face into the pillow. Could I even picture what it’d be like to get intimate with my childhood best friend? I started off by imagining us kissing. Her face drawing closer to mine, her eyes fluttering shut, her lips pressing gently against mine…

  God, this felt weird. But did I like the mental image?

  Yes. No. I didn’t know.

  Pulling the pillow over my head, I let sleep tug me into oblivion.

  *

  I woke to the sound of my beeping alarm. Yawning, I tried to remember why it was on. It wasn’t a work day, was it? No, I’d set it so I’d wake up in time to take Leah to the airport.

  Leah. Our conversation from last night flashed through my head, leaving me breathless. I got up, then sat back down on my bed. How was I supposed to face her now? What was I supposed to do?

  Forcing myself up again, I took a quick shower, then brushed my teeth and got dressed with a lump in my throat. I knew Leah was out there, waiting. My apartment was small enough that she’d be able to hear my every move, and while normally I would’ve greeted a guest first thing in the morning, today I delayed seeing her until the very last minute.

  “Hey,” she said when I finally emerged from my room.

  She was still in the sweatpants and T-shirt she’d slept in, her hair in a messy ponytail. Her backpack and SpotBot’s case lay at her feet, and she sat forward on the couch with an expression of such complete open vulnerability that my heart panged to look at her.

  “I’m done with the bathroom,” I said softly. “You can go ahead.”

  She nodded slowly, looking more miserable than ever, and disappeared into the other room. I slumped onto the couch. My stomach was rumbling, but I didn’t have the energy to find something to eat. I hated knowing that I was causing such a wonderful person pain. But how could I force feelings that simply weren’t there? That was why I’d been dumped last time.

  When Leah emerged a few minutes later, I was still where she’d left me. My eyes met hers, and their heartfelt softness made me weak. She looked completely different today – maybe because I was seeing her in a whole new way.

  “What time is it?” she asked, speaking casually, as if nothing outside of the usual had happened last night. “Should we head to the airport?”

  I glanced at the clock. “I guess so, yeah.”

  My heart was heavy as we climbed into my car. The radio was tuned to a station I normally liked, but today I wasn’t in the mood for upbeat pop music. I turned it off with a jab, and since I had no idea what to say, we spent the next half-hour in silence.

  At last I pulled into the parking lot at the airport. Since it was a small airport, I was able to park easily in the departures area. I turned off the ignition and then faced Leah. I started to say something, but the look in her eyes silenced me before I could make a sound.

  Those beautiful dark eyes were filled with sorrow, and as I stared into them, the reality of the situation began to hit me. My best friend in the world had feelings for me, and she was hurting because she didn’t think I returned them.

  If I let her go right now, I might never see her again. I couldn’t ask her to keep being my friend when her feelings were that deep. It would’ve been selfish.

  But I did love her. I really did. My gaze swept from her deep brown eyes to her full, plush lips. I glanced downward at the lush curves that hadn’t been there when she was a teen. A quarter-inch of cleavage peeked out of her top, and her jeans hugged her thighs just right.

  I bit my lip. If I didn’t already know her, I would’ve wanted to rip off her clothes. She was so attractive, and a such wonderful person. I could see why women went for her. A stir went through my core, and I sucked in a breath. I could see why I might go for her.

  As if noticing the change in my mood, she stared at me hard. “Poppy?” she asked softly.

  My heart raced. Was I going to ruin our friendship if I leaned in and kissed her? Or were we already past that point?

  I had to think this through before I did anything. I couldn’t let a momentary attraction get in the way of a solid friendship. But my head was buzzing, my thoughts in a whirl, and the excited, hopeful look in Leah’s eyes was too tempting to deny.

  I undid my seatbelt and leaned in, gazing straight at her. Mirroring my actions, she looked back at me. Her lips parted slightly, her pink tongue darting out to moisten them. She was nervous, just like me.

  For the first time, I noticed the tiny mole above her lip. All these years, and I’d never realized it was there. What else did I not know about her? What else might I discover?

  My eyes fluttered shut, then open. I was leaning across the gearshift now, and she hadn’t met me halfway yet, but she was only a few inches away. I reached out – this was wrong, this was wrong – and put my hand on the back of her neck.

  I used no pressure, and still she leaned in to me. My eyes closed again, and her eyelashes grazed my cheek, and then her lips were on mine and my head was spinning, spinning, fireworks exploding behind my eyelids and my world flipping upside-down.

  “Wow,” I breathed when we finally let go.

  She nodded slowly, her expression inscrutable. “Wow.”

  “That was…” I had no words to describe it. Incredible? Overwhelming? Completely and utterly unexpected? Giving up, I said instead, “I don’t want you to leave.”

  “I don’t really want to go.”

  Things had just started to change between us, and now she was going to get on a plane and leave immediately? Even if it was my fault for waiting until the last possible moment to kiss her, I couldn’t help but be pissed off. “Go in there and change your flight,” I said. “Spend another night with me. Or two, or three.”

  She laughed shyly. “I’m supposed to be back at work tomorrow. I have an i
nterview with CNN in San Fran, too.”

  I let out a sigh. I’d almost forgotten she had a job and commitments, an entire life, a four-hour plane ride away. “Then maybe I should come visit you sometime,” I said. “Sooner rather than later.”

  Another nod. Another uncharacteristically shy smile. “I’d like that,” she said.

  Twelve – Leah

  “Tell me more about what’s going to happen when SpotBot goes into production,” Harry Trotter said. “How many are you planning to make, and how much are they going to cost?”

  Poppy’s lips pressing against mine… Poppy’s scent in my nostrils… “I’m sorry?” I said.

  He gave me a hard look. This show wasn’t live, luckily, but I’d been spacing out every two minutes and wasting his time. The audience fidgeted in their seats, clearly losing interest in what I had to say.

  I’d been a fan of Harry’s for years, watching his late-night show whenever I got the chance. I should’ve been over the moon at the fact that I was actually meeting him. Instead, all I could think about was Poppy.

  He repeated his question and I sat up straighter, vowing to really listen this time. “That all depends on how he’s received,” I answered. “We’ll do an initial run of fifty models and see how fast they sell. Since they’ll cost over a hundred thousand dollars each, they’re not exactly an impulse buy.”

  Harry nodded, seeming relieved to get a real answer. “And they’ll mostly be used by federal agencies?”

  Poppy’s smooth skin… Poppy’s warm breath… “Um… sorry?”

  His lips tightened, and he repeated himself again.

  “Federal agencies, state agencies, international governments.” I nodded. “SpotBot has all kinds of potential uses.”

  “Sounds like a great dog.” Harry smiled at me, but his eyes were hard. “Could we see a demo?”

  I jumped up eagerly. At least for this part I could go on autopilot. It seemed like no matter what I did, people loved seeing SpotBot work. He was new and unique enough that just watching him move fascinated almost anybody.

  When the cameras stopped rolling, I apologized to Harry. “I’ve had some things going on in my life, and I haven’t been completely present today. I feel terrible about that. I’m a huge fan of your show, and I was so excited to do this interview.”

  His expression softened. “That’s okay. You still did great.”

  I’d probably given him the impression that I’d had a death in the family, not that my lifelong crush had finally kissed me. Oh, well – he’d never know the difference, would he?

  I headed home, checking my phone for texts from Poppy as soon as I stepped on the BART. We’d been talking almost like normal since I’d left Grass Cove. Our texts had been flying a little faster, but we hadn’t talked about the kiss we’d shared or what it meant for our relationship – even though that was the one and only question on my mind.

  She’d sent me about ten messages in a row, and I drank them in all at once, wanting to read and absorb everything as fast as I possibly could. After looking over them once, I read them again, savoring every word, picturing everything she said in as much detail as possible.

  OMG, you won’t believe what one of my students did!

  I had them playing basketball for phys ed, and they were picking teams.

  For some reason I made the most quiet, shy girl captain of one team.

  So she tries picking people and they go “eww” and say they don’t want to be on her team.

  It was just a nightmare. I was like, should I choose a different captain? Would that make things better or worse for her?

  And THEN the most popular boy in the class raises his hand and starts waving it around, begging her to pick him.

  So the other kids are all looking at him funny, and she’s going red and cringing, not knowing if this is some trick to make fun of her more.

  But she picks him, and he makes this huge deal about getting to be on her team. Jumping and cheering because yay, he gets to be with Frances.

  For a minute I’m wondering if he’s going over-the-top to mock her, or if he’s really just being nice.

  Then another boy starts waving his hand because he wants to be on that boy’s team, and then all the girls want to be with the popular boys.

  I pulled that boy aside after class to thank him for putting himself out there. It was the nicest thing any of my kids have ever done!

  Holding onto the train’s pole, I smiled to myself. The story reminded me of so many times that Poppy had stood up for me when we were kids. I wondered if she saw the parallel herself, or if she was too humble for that. Her empathy had always been such a core part of her personality that she might not even be aware of it.

  Sliding my thumb across the screen, I wrote back to her. You realize you’re turning into your dad, telling me anecdotes from your work?

  I could practically hear the laughter in her voice when she responded a second later. Oh, please. My anecdotes are way better than my dad’s.

  *

  Two weeks after our last visit, and I was beyond ready to see Poppy again. “It feels like the whole thing was just a dream,” I told Neeta on one of our walks around the neighborhood. “She hasn’t mentioned it, and I’m scared to – so did it even really happen?”

  “I’m pretty sure it did, considering how you texted me freaking out the moment it happened,” she said dryly. “Unless you convinced yourself of your delusion that quickly.”

  “I know it happened,” I said with a sigh. “I just don’t know what happens next.” I pulled my spring jacket tighter around my chest. The weather was cool-ish, and clouds were covering the sun.

  “I thought you two decided she’d come visit you here.” Neeta paused to peek into the window of an antique store.

  I waited patiently for her to check out the goods inside. “I thought we did, too, but why wouldn’t she have mentioned it since?”

  “Have you mentioned it?”

  “Well, no, but…”

  She dragged her eyes away from the dusty display. “And you’re the one who’s inviting her here?”

  Could she be waiting for me to invite her? Could it really be that simple? “I thought she’d invite herself,” I said in a small voice.

  “What do you think would happen if you invited her?” she asked. “She’d say no? Freak out? What?”

  “Actually, I think the scariest option is that she’d say yes.” I imagined Poppy coming to town and seeing the way I lived my life. Staying at my apartment, eating my food. Maybe kissing me again… maybe even doing more than that.

  “I didn’t know you were a fucking chicken.” Neeta opened the store’s door, gesturing at me with her head to go inside.

  “I’m not a chicken!” I walked in, immediately coughing at the dust in the air. “She’s an elementary school teacher. She probably can’t even afford to come.”

  “And you’re a robotics engineer.” Neeta picked up a pin-up art print from the 1960s. “If you want her to come here that bad, offer to pay for her. I know you can afford it.”

  “You make too much sense,” I grumbled. “Having you as a friend must be karma for something I did wrong in a past life.”

  “You love me, and you know it.” She fingered an ancient collection of Shakespeare’s plays. “I might actually buy this, so why don’t you go outside and call her right now?”

  Thirteen – Poppy

  A month after our last visit, I was about to step on a plane for my first time in San Francisco. I’d been overwhelmed when Leah had offered to pay for my trip. Even if the money was nothing to her, which seemed to be the case, the gesture meant the world to me.

  As much as I’d wanted to see her again right away, we’d chosen to wait a couple more weeks for me to come. I’d taken the afternoon off work so we could have an extra evening together, and she’d been working overtime so she wouldn’t have to worry about SpotBot at all for the weekend.

  Now I stood in line at the departure gate, clinging to
the bag I’d packed. I hadn’t been on a plane in ages, since my senior-year girls’ trip to Cancun. I wasn’t a fan of flying. In fact, I didn’t even own a passport anymore.

  I nodded to the flight attendant as I stepped onto the plane. As soon as I found my seat, I threw on my headphones and closed my eyes. Hopefully I could nap through this flight.

  Of course, it wasn’t that easy. Four hours of gripping the seat handles later, I opened my eyes again.

  “Afraid of flying?” the kindly-looking older woman next to me asked. “It’ll get better.”

  “I hope you’re right.” I stood up and slung my duffel bag over my shoulder.

  “You don’t have to travel often, do you?”

  “No, but I might.”

  How would I handle the distance if anything more were to happen between me and Leah? I could deal with a few hours of white-knuckling once, but would she come visit me too? How long could we maintain an interstate relationship?

  I was getting way ahead of myself. She and I had barely kissed – even if we did know each other inside and out, and that single brief kiss had implied a whole lot of possibilities. I didn’t know for sure if she was interested in a relationship, considering she’d never had one before. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted, myself.

  As I found a taxi, I replayed our last few interactions for the millionth time. Her semi-confession about her feelings for me, and my immediate reaction that it could never work. The pain in her eyes in the morning, and the new light I’d suddenly begun to see her in. The difficulty of saying goodbye, the temptation to lean in and kiss her… the sparks that’d leapt and soared between us the instant her lips met mine…

  I’d definitely enjoyed the kiss – more than enjoyed, I’d been blown away – but was that enough? Did that mean we had the passion Kerry and I had lacked? I wanted to say yes, but maybe it’d just been so exciting because it was our first kiss. Maybe my latent attraction to her had built up over the years to make it amazing, but once we had a second and third kiss, the thrill would be gone – and then I’d lose my best friend.