Can't Hardly Breathe

by Gena Showalter

  Daniel opened her door for her, but not for Holly, forcing the girl to climb over the console to exit. A difficult task in her dress. Dorothea swallowed a laugh.

  What a day! She loved searching through the different kinds of wood. Loved the different colors and grains, even the different scents. A few times Holly shouted out the price, maybe to poke at Daniel, or maybe because her shock was so great.

  "This one is three hundred dollars!"

  In the end, Dorothea couldn't resist the black walnut. She adored the dark color and the patina on the pieces salvaged from an old barn.

  As Daniel loaded the planks in the back of the truck, his muscles bulged and her heart fluttered wildly. Such a glorious man.

  "You're staring at him," Holly said quietly. She stood at Dorothea's side. Willingly.

  "I know. I can't help myself. He's just so..." Delicious. "Special."

  "Yeah," Holly said. "The elusive unicorn."

  The fact that her sister was having a real conversation with her, well, tears welled in Dorothea's eyes. That was the only reason. She would deny any others.

  "He likes you, you know." Holly sounded...sad about it? Why sad?

  The answer didn't require a lot of pondering. Jazz. Holly still rooted for a reconciliation. "He does like me," she whispered, "but he doesn't like me enough."

  "Do they ever?" Holly replied.

  A pang in her chest. "Did a boy break your heart?"

  Holly opened her mouth, seemed to realize how personal the conversation had become and flounced into the truck.

  "All right," Daniel said. He wiped his hands together. "We're having lunch, and then we're going to an animal shelter. I'm adopting a dog." His gaze landed on Dorothea. "Here's the favor I need from you. See, I have a job in the city next weekend and--"

  "What kind of job?" Holly interjected, leaning out of the window. "Are you a contract killer? A stripper? A male escort?"

  Rather than acting put out by her rudeness, he kept his attention on Dorothea. "You know Dixie Bell-Lilly, the country singer? Her family lives in Oklahoma, and she visits frequently. This time she's throwing some kind of party, and we're keeping the peace for her."

  Dixie Bell-Lilly. A beautiful blonde who would probably fall in love with him and re-create the movie The Bodyguard. Daniel, who wasn't dating Dorothea, would be free to sleep with her.

  And that was fine. Whatever.

  Bastard!

  He canted his head to the side to study her more intently. "Remember the time I bought those wood planks for you? Remember the headboard I'm going to carve for you? Well, I won't be able to take a pet with me while I'm working, so..."

  "So you want me to babysit." The words lashed from her. Trusty Dorothea, always the friend, never the sex object.

  Uh, isn't that what I've been pushing for?

  He blinked in confusion. "Whoa. You're looking at me like I'm a Yankee spy. If you don't want to do it, I'll--"

  "No, no. I do. I'm sorry. I would actually love to babysit your dog. I just had a momentary brain blip." If she couldn't have Daniel, she could have moments with the creature he loved.

  I'm pathetic.

  He smiled at her, and dang it, she smiled back, anger and jealousy melting away. He was just so beautiful and so freaking kind.

  She herself had grown bolder, tougher--but definitely not wiser. She was allowing her love for Daniel to lead her around. She should be fighting tooth and nail to pluck him out of her heart.

  Holly groaned. "You guys are gross. You should hit it and quit it like normal people. And you should really think about getting a cat instead of a dog. Cats are rude, temperamental, and spend their days plotting ways to murder their owners, but at least they aren't clingy."

  "Nothing wrong with clingy." Daniel opened the truck door and waved Dorothea inside. "Some women, and I'm not naming names, should give it a try."

  She narrowed her eyes at him. "Careful, Danny boy. We don't want your secret getting out, now, do we?"

  "What secret?" Holly demanded.

  New Dorothea came out to play, saying, "He has a micropenis. And he's impotent. And he has hemorrhoids." She patted him on the shoulder. "Go ahead and let the world know. You'll feel better."

  To her astonishment, he barked out a laugh. "You are diabolical, woman."

  She fluffed her hair. "And don't you forget it."

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  THE BEST-LAID PLANS...

  Daniel entered the shelter thinking he would adopt a small dog, like Princess. A--a word denoting one, no more. And yet he left the shelter with two mammoth ninety-pound beasts. Adonis and Echo, brother-sister pit bull mixes. Apparently Adonis had been adopted out once before and Echo twice, and both had been returned within days of each other. They did not do well when separated.

  An employee told Daniel that Adonis liked to look at himself in the mirror and bark, and Echo liked to mimic him. She also barked when anyone spoke. Or moved. Or breathed. The dogs enjoyed digging holes, escaping yards, and chasing birds and squirrels.

  They'd been scheduled for euthanization later that day. In fact, they'd been on leashes, being led to their deaths, as he'd petted another dog.

  Daniel had fallen in love with the pair on sight. Adonis was black with patches of white on his chin, chest and feet. Echo was white with speckles of black all over her body. In other words, dog freckles. Both were high energy and in desperate need of training, but he welcomed the challenge.

  He'd enjoyed the way Thea's face had softened when she'd interacted with the siblings. Not that her opinion mattered, of course. He was doing this for himself, his dad and his friends.

  After he wrangled the dogs into the back of his truck with Holly, he remained outside, looking at Thea, and she looked at a wristwatch she wasn't wearing.

  "Well," she said, "we should probably head back to town. I have things to do."

  Right. Like get ready for her date. The black hole in an otherwise stellar day.

  Was she wearing yellow nail polish because of Hillcrest? At first he'd thought she'd worn it for Daniel. Because of their interaction last night...

  "You know how I feel about you seeing the teacher," he told her in a quiet voice.

  "You know how I feel about being your dirty little secret," she replied just as quietly.

  "You aren't--" He pressed his lips together. No use hashing out an already hashed-out issue. Especially with her little sister inches away.

  He wasn't going to change her mind, and she wasn't going to convince him they would stay together forever and his dad would never be hurt.

  She wanted promises, maybe marriage. A family? He couldn't even sleep an entire night. Loud noises freaked him out. Just yesterday he'd liked the idea of committing cold-blooded murder. And if he fell for her and lost her? He'd become a shell of a man, like Jude.

  With Thea, Daniel would never be able to relax his guard. Eventually their relationship would end. His parents had loved each other madly, but not even they had been able to defy death.

  What kind of boyfriend would he be? How long before Thea tired of his antics?

  But damn it. Something had to give, and soon. He couldn't live like this, wanting her but unable to have her. Desperate to escape the prison of his own making, but with no key in sight.

  He helped Thea into her seat before climbing behind the wheel and starting the engine. Soon they were zipping down the highway--gagging and fanning their faces.

  "What is that hellacious smell?" Holly gasped out.

  "I think the dogs are farting," Thea said.

  Daniel would bet this toxic gas was the main reason the dogs had been returned. The two were weapons of mass destruction! He rolled down the windows, allowing clean air to whip inside the cab. It didn't help. His nose was permanently seared.

  Back in Strawberry Valley, he dropped the girls off at the inn and got the dogs settled in at his dad's place. He knew Virgil was playing checkers with Anthony, but where were Jude and Brock?

  Until th
e dogs were potty trained, he decided to limit the areas they were allowed to investigate. The pair familiarized themselves with their new surroundings, sniffing everything repeatedly, including Daniel. When they were no longer leery of him, he ushered them into the backyard to play fetch. They played for hours, until the excitement wore them down. When they scratched at the back door, he let them inside and led them to his bedroom. They crawled under his bed and promptly fell asleep.

  He wasn't sure how the beasts had fit, but he didn't try to coax them out. They must feel safe, maybe cocooned. One day, they would trust him enough to sleep out in the open.

  What kind of lives had they led up to this point? Were they ever abused?

  He rubbed the twinge in his chest. As quietly as possible, he shut the door, wrote a note for anyone who came home before he returned and made the two-and-a-half-mile trek to the cemetery where his mom was buried. Along the way, he received a text from Jessie Kay.

  What's this I hear about you & Dottie--oh, excuse me, Dorothea--spending the day in the city??? I'm your best friend. That comes with responsibilities--for you. TELL ME EVERYTHING! Are you two dating now? Huh huh? :) :)

  Only a few seconds later, another text came in. WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?????? :)

  He sent a picture of Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls, a movie she had forced him to watch, and typed back, WHY ARE YOU SO OBSSESSED WITH ME?? I'm helping her w/ the theme room, remember?

  He sent her a third text. Going to the Scratching Post tonight w/ my boys. You're invited, but you have to leave your wife at home. I mean it. He'll make friends w/ Thea & torment me the way I torment him w/ you.

  He made the decision then and there. With Dorothea out on her date, he would need a distraction. Jude would agree to go only to act as the designated driver. Or maybe to watch Ryanne...

  Jessie Kay: Hahahahaha! I can't wait to tell West what you said. PS if someone comes knocking on your door, don't answer. I repeat, don't answer. That'll be West. With a crowbar. Oh! And I will be there tonight, with bells on--& probably little else. Because yes, I'll be bringing West.

  He snorted. Stop calling your husband by his last name. It's weird.

  Jessie Kay: I do what I want and he likes it!

  Like Daniel could really argue with that. He pocketed the phone.

  When he arrived at the cemetery, he spotted a few other people visiting deceased loved ones, but everyone was trapped in their own heads. Or their own grief. No one paid anyone else any heed.

  Daniel crouched in front of his mother's tombstone. A beautiful pink-veined marble with a cherub perched at the top. Bonnie Teresa Porter. Beloved wife and mother.

  Underneath the years she'd lived, Virgil had carved: The Reason I Breathe.

  After she'd died, Virgil had shut down. He'd drunk too much too often and had rarely spoken a word. Once, Daniel had caught him holding a knife to his wrist.

  A scarring experience, knowing his dad wanted to die, just to join his wife.

  Ultimately, Virgil had cleaned himself up for Daniel's benefit. But he'd worried so much about keeping his son safe, Daniel had often felt smothered. It was one of the reasons he'd joined the army. So, of course, guilt had followed him. His dad had only wanted to make Daniel happy. What kind of POS abandoned him?

  Not me. Not ever again.

  "Do you remember Dorothea Mathis, Mom? She grew into an amazing woman." Over the years, he'd had many conversations with his mom, but Thea was the first girl he'd ever mentioned. He gave a wry laugh. "You'll be happy to know she kicked my ego in the nuts."

  There was no response, but he was almost certain he felt soft arms wrap around him. His mother may not be here, but he firmly believed her spirit lived on.

  "She wants a relationship," he said. "Full on, nothing held back. But when we end, Dad will be hurt. His heart can't take much more abuse. I want him happy. I need him happy. And yeah, okay, I know he'd be happier if I got married. But if Thea ever left me, or died, he would shatter." And so would I.

  The arms he felt-but-didn't-feel tightened around him. He imagined his mom leaning her head against his shoulder, glossy brown hair pinned back, her dark eyes sparkling, and saying, Does your happiness not matter? And why would your Thea leave you?

  "Why would she stay?" he asked.

  Because you're a treasure.

  He snorted.

  All right. Fine. You're a treasure...but you have a habit of looking back rather than forward. You need a strong kick in your patootie. I have a feeling she's the girl to give it to you.

  "I look back to guard my back. There's a difference."

  Oh, my baby boy. There really isn't. Whatever life throws at you, you've got to keep walking...running...sprinting forward. You've got to love others and yourself. And for goodness' sake, Daniel, stop expecting the worst and start shooting for the stars.

  She'd always told him straight. But then, she'd been a good woman with a good heart, and she'd raised her only son to the best of her ability. She'd wanted him happy the way he wanted his dad happy.

  She would have busted his ass for continuing to hurt Thea. And he had hurt her, hadn't he?

  Thea had struggled with self-esteem issues all her life. He knew she still ached over her dad's dismissal. Had heard the pain in her voice when she'd mentioned him. How much lower she must have fallen when the ex-husband cheated on her. But she'd gotten back up. She'd walked, run and sprinted on. Even now, she charged at life full speed.

  And he wanted to hide her away? Like she was a dirty little secret?

  She was the treasure, not him, and she deserved better.

  Could he give her better?

  "I love you, Momma. I'll come again soon."

  No need. I'm always with you.

  He walked home. As he slipped inside, he noted the dogs were quiet--still sleeping? Jude, Brock and his dad were seated in the living room. Shadows rimmed Brock's eyes, and lines of tension surrounded Jude's mouth.

  "Something wrong?" he asked.

  "No, no. I was just explaining to the boys that women don't wait forever, and if they aren't careful, someone will come along and snatch up the one they want." Virgil patted his shoulder. "Want to tell us what kind of beasts you got in your room? They almost busted down the door when I got home."

  At the sound of his voice, both Adonis and Echo barked.

  Daniel ignored the hard clench his dad's words had caused. "Come meet the new members of our family." He strode down the hall, opened his bedroom door.

  Adonis and Echo darted into the hall. Everyone chuckled, even Jude, and a sudden sense of contentment closed around Daniel. Not quite reaching him internally, not yet, but soon. The potential was there.

  He just had to figure out his next move with Thea.

  "Dad," he said as the dogs played, "if I wanted to...date...someone...someone like Thea Mathis--"

  Virgil's eyes rounded. Jude and Brock--the bastards--excused themselves.

  "I want to point out that I said date. Date her. Not marry her." Should have stayed quiet. But he was already in the fire. Why not dance in the flames? "I don't know how long our relationship will last. Maybe a few months, maybe even a year." His longest relationship had lasted six months. Things had heated up while he was in basic training but had ended soon after he'd first shipped out. "I don't want you disappointed when things end."

  His dad gave him another pat on the shoulder. "Son, I have a confession to make. I stopped by the inn today and spoke with Carol. She suspects something's been goin' on between you and her daughter, and she told me Dorothea is a fragile flower with dark secrets you don't have the strength to help her carry. Now, I took exception to that. My boy is strong. The strongest. But you have dark secrets of your own, and the two of you, you need light, not more darkness."

  What secrets did Thea have?

  The ultrasound photo...

  "Thea is strong all on her own," he said. "She doesn't need to be carried."

  "That's good. That's real good." Virgil smiled at him. "Bu
t I agree with you. About the relationship. With so many secrets between you, the two of you will never last."

  What! His dad, the eternal optimist, thought Daniel would crash and burn?

  "I'm worried about you, son. You haven't been living, and it pains me."

  After all his hard work, everything he'd done to make his dad happy, he'd failed. From day one, he'd failed.

  He'd have to do better. He'd keep going forward, as his mother would have wanted, but he'd make a new plan. He'd show his dad he could live--really live--if only for a little while.

  He was going to openly date Thea. If she would have him.

  *

  DOROTHEA PUT THE finishing touches on her outfit. The dress had a large heart cut out of the center to reveal another layer of fabric with black and white stripes and a bow; it accentuated her hourglass figure. At least, she hoped. The waist was drawn tight by a second bow. While one side of the hem reached her knees, the other side fell to her ankles. She wore boots and lacy socks that peeked over the edge.

  For the finishing touch, she painted her nails purple. All the while, she tried not to think about Daniel. If he wouldn't risk a real relationship with her, she wouldn't risk...what? What wouldn't she risk? Her heart? She already loved him.

  Just because they started in secret didn't mean they had to end that way. They could be together, and she could pour her love into him. All of it. Nothing held back. And feel as if she'd been stabbed in the chest every time he denied dating her. Every time she had to lie to her mom and sister.

  Her phone rang, Lyndie's name appearing on the screen. "Hey, you," she said in greeting.

  In lieu of a response, Lyndie said, "Bring John to the Scratching Post, okay?"

  Revisit the site of her date with Daniel? She pushed out a heavy sigh. "Why?"

  "Ryanne is singing tonight, and she could use our support. Also, her former stepbrother is in town. Do you remember Maxim?"

  Maximum hotness, they used to whisper anytime he'd visited his dad. Sweet guy, if a little rambunctious.

  "I do." And really, it had been years since Dorothea had supported Ryanne's amazing talent. "You had me at Ryanne. We'll be there."

  "Thank you. You won't regret it. Or maybe you will. I guess we'll find out." She hung up.

  Oookay. That was a bit odd.

  "If you're going to date my teacher, you might as well make yourself useful and convince him to give me an A."