I Never Let You Go

by Stefanie Jenkins

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Epilogue

  Also by Stefanie Jenkins

  Coming Soon

  Lauren’s Bookshelf

  Playlist

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  I Never Let You Go

  I Never Series

  Copyright © 2020 by Stefanie Jenkins

  Editing by One Love Editing

  Proofread by KD Darling

  Cover Design by Ya’ll That Graphic

  Cover Photograph by Lindee Robinson Photography

  Cover Models: Anthony Parker & Alyse Madej

  Interior Book Formatting by authorTree

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without written permission of the copyright owner except for the use of quotations in a book review.

  Independently published.

  To Amanda, thank you for never letting me give up on this story.

  P.S. Finn is now and forever will be yours.

  “In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.”

  Maya Angelou

  Just outside the security gate at the Philadelphia International Airport, people continue to walk by Finn and me as time stands still. We savor the last few moments before I have to let him go. My arms wrap tighter around him, and I bury my face into his chest. I try to memorize everything: the way he smells—like musk and mahogany; the way he holds me in his arms—as if I had been made just for them; and the weight I feel on the top of my head as he rests his chin there. This—he—is my safe haven. It will all be over soon and just a memory. Finn tips my chin up toward him and presses his forehead against mine.

  “I can’t do this. I can’t—” Finn begins to say, but I cut him off. I brush my fingers against his cheek. His deep chocolate-brown eyes, glassy with unshed tears, just like my own. I need to be strong for him, for me, for us.

  “Baby, you have to,” I say aloud, while on the inside, I’m begging him to stay.

  He shakes his head and cups my hand to his cheek. “Lo, you are my life. I need you with me. I’ll just turn down this job. I’ll find something else. There are plenty of jobs out there.”

  My heart is breaking—no, shattering into a million pieces. “No, baby. You can’t give up this opportunity. For as long as I’ve known you, this is what you wanted. You’ve worked so hard for this; it’s your dream. We’ll figure it out.”

  Finn had accepted a position at a top architecture firm in Seattle, while I’ll still be here on the East Coast finishing up grad school. We have a plan in place for how to make the distance work. This is only just a small stepping-stone in our five-year relationship.

  All of a sudden, Finn drops down to one knee, and I gasp.

  “Marry me.”

  “What?” My hands fly to my mouth. He’s not doing what I think he is, is he?

  He takes my hand in his. “I know it feels sudden and out of the blue, and I don’t have a ring yet, but honestly, I’ve known for a long time that you are the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are all I ever need, Lauren. It’s only ever been you and will only ever be you. You are my dream. My job and where I live doesn’t matter as long as I have you. Marry me.”

  “Finn.” His name comes out more of a squeak. I pull on his arms for him to stand up. Finn hesitates for a moment before he rises. His face is scrunched with confusion as he waits for me to answer.

  “Marry me, Lo. Please.”

  I press my forehead against his. My voice is just above a whisper when I say, “No.”

  He pulls back, the color completely drained from his face in shock at my answer. Of course I want to marry Finn, but not now, not like this. We’re only twenty-two. I have imagined this moment a million times, and every time I said yes, until now.

  “No?” he questions, and I can hear the hurt laced in his voice. I place my hand on his chest, needing the distance before I let him convince me that I said the wrong word.

  “No.” I put on a brave face so he doesn’t see how much this hurts.

  “We’re meant to be together; why are you doing this?” He links our hands between us, and I never want him to let go.

  “I want to be with you, Finn, I do.”

  “Then say yes,” he pleads.

  I shake my head. “It’s not that simple.” Doubt creeps in and settles in the back of my mind like a thick fog descending on the shore.

  His shoulders sag as he exhales in defeat. He stares at me in disbelief.

  “So that’s it, then?” Finn scrubs a hand down his face, wiping the tears from his eyes.

  “Finn…” I trail off as he unlinks our fingers and turns his back to me, picking up his backpack and walking away. I can’t do this. Run after him, Lauren, shout his name! Do something, anything to stop him. As much as my heart aches to go after him, I ignore it. I have to. At least that’s what I tell myself. This is for the best. I bite my lip so tight that I may draw blood, but I don’t care. It keeps me from calling after him, jumping into his arms and begging him not to leave me…ever. I wrap my arms around my waist, feeling so alone at that moment in a crowded space.

  He hands his paperwork to the TSA agent before he walks through the machine.

  “Turn around, baby. Just turn around,” I whisper over and over, but Finn never does. My heart is broken knowing that he is hurting and I am the reason. This feeling is suffocating, choking the life right out of me, as the tears finally spill from my eyes.

  When he is finally out of view, I continue to stand there, for how long I’m not sure. My cheeks are damp with my falling tears, but I refuse to wipe them away.

  People brush past me, showing that time no longer stands still. A slight bump into my shoulder forces me to move out of the way. I spin on my heels to head to the main entrance. I give one last look over my shoulder, hoping to see Finn running toward me, but why would he?

  When I finally make it to the airport’s main entrance, I am greeted with two familiar faces—my twin sister, Kate, and younger brother, Kyler, leaning against the outside wall. Kyler is the first to spot me. When our eyes meet, he taps Kate on the arm, and she looks up from her phone. They both give a brief smile as I attempt to return the favor but fail.

  I wipe the tears away and approach them. “I don’t understand. What are you guys doing here?”

  “You didn’t think we be
lieved you when you said that you would be fine on your own doing this, did you?” My brother pulls me into his chest and presses a kiss to the top of my head.

  I close my eyes as I feel the pressure of Kate hugging me from behind now, sandwiching me between them. “It’ll all be okay, Laur.”

  But I’m not sure it ever will.

  Finn and I have been growing more distant in the six weeks since that day at the airport when everything changed. His spur-of-the-moment proposal had derailed our plan. Actually, no, it wasn’t the proposal that changed us, it was my saying no. Now, we go days without talking or just a few text messages here and there, but nothing has been the same. There is a rift between us, and I caused it. I admit I was scared; we are just so young. Telling him no was the biggest mistake of my life. It is a regret that I have had to live with every day.

  This distance has made me realize how much I need Finn. It doesn’t matter where we live, I would have my family no matter what, nor does it matter where I finish up my master’s degree—I can do that anywhere. Why had I been so stupid to want to stick to my life plan: graduate college, get my master’s, establish my career, then we would get married. People get married young all the time. Finn is what I want, that is the big picture—nothing else matters.

  Deciding to pack up and leave my life behind was a massive risk for me that earned shock from both my mom and siblings, but they know how miserable I am without him and support my decision. My sister smacked me on the side of the head and said, “Wow, took you long enough to realize this. And here we thought I was the stubborn one of the family.”

  “You’re really doing this, huh?” My sister shouts as I flip the bathroom light switch off upon exiting and return to my bedroom in the apartment I had shared with Finn. It’s been hard being here without him, even if there wasn’t a strain on our relationship. Everywhere I looked, I was reminded of him. It made my heart ache. Kate is stretched out on the bed with her ankles crossed.

  “I am.” I place my toiletry bag in my suitcase and go over my mental checklist of things I need to pack: clothes, shoes, Kindle, chargers, toiletries. Okay, I think that’s it.

  “And you’re sure this is what you want.” I can feel her glare on my skin. I look up from my suitcase and close the lid. I know she means well in her questioning, but I can’t help but laugh.

  I press my hand on the top of my suitcase and look at the face identical to mine. “Kate, we’ve been over this already. This is what I want. I love him; he is worth it. He’s the other half of me. Jobs, grad school, all those things come and go, but he and I are what’s real. Even with us not talking as much, he’s still the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think about at night.” I zip up my bag and place it on the floor before walking around the other side of the bed and take a seat. I pull one leg under me and lean back against a pillow. “I know that things have been strained between us since he left, but we’ve always been able to talk through things. Texting has been hard, and phone calls just aren’t the same. This conversation needs to be something we face together in person. He’s it for me.”

  She continues to stare at me. A devilish smirk appears on her face as she rests her arms behind her on my bed. “I know. But it’s my job as your big sister to make sure this is exactly what you want. I just wanted to hear you say it. I’m glad you finally got your head out of your stubborn ass. You two are meant to be together, so I have no doubt that things will work out.” She places her arm around my shoulder, pulling me in toward her. “I’ll miss you, baby sis.”

  I throw my head back in laughter and reach behind me for a pillow and smack her with it. “I’m younger by five minutes. That hardly counts as being the baby.”

  “Hey, to some people, five minutes means everything.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me, and I scrunch my nose.

  “Do you always have to make a sexual joke out of everything?” I laugh, leaning back on the headboard.

  She leans against me, resting her head on my shoulder. “It’s one of my many talents.” I will miss moments like this with her. It’s been me and her our entire lives, and she’s always been there when I need her no matter what time it is. She is my person.

  “You still have Kyler here, and I’m just a phone call or plane ride away.” I gently pat her thigh.

  She waves her hand at me. “Yeah, yeah, yeah—it’s just not the same. He’s a boy.” Her tone makes me giggle because she sounds like boys have cooties. Kate crosses her arm and huffs out a breath.

  Our younger brother, Kyler, is seventeen and will be heading off to college soon. I know what she means though. She and I have shared everything our entire lives—that is, of course, except for Finn. He’s always been mine. This will all be an adjustment, but I’m happy.

  “Plus, I’m cooler than him.” I hold my fist out to her.

  She bumps it, giggling. “Damn straight. Well, we should probably get going to get you to the airport on time.” Kate sighs before standing and grabbing her phone from where it’s plugged in on the nightstand beside her. Last night, we had one last slumber party for old time’s sake.

  “Yeah, let’s go.” With one last look around my room, I’m ready to say goodbye to this chapter of my life and say hello to the next.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to begin our final descent to the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Currently, at Sea-Tac, the temperature is a high of 65 and sunny. Please stay seated until we have reached the gate and the seat belt sign is off. We certainly have enjoyed having you on board today. We hope to see you again real soon, and thanks for flying American Airlines. Welcome to Seattle,” the pilot announces on the overhead speaker as I look out the window at the city below.

  Home. Well, my new home, at least. My hands grip the armrest as the plane descends. The sweet, older woman, Jacqueline, who has sat next to me since we left Philadelphia, gives me a brief smile when my eyes connect with hers.

  I return the favor before I direct my attention to the back of the seat in front of me, closing my eyes, and slowly even out my breathing.

  Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

  I don’t know if it’s the landing that has my heart racing and my stomach in knots or deciding to get the man I love. Nerves began to kick in sometime over Chicago, I think. Or maybe they have just always been there, but the closer I got to the West Coast, the more the reality of what I was doing set in.

  What if he’s not happy to see me?

  What if he can’t forgive me for saying no?

  What if when he said, “so this is it,” he meant this is it for us?

  Once the plane comes to a complete stop at the gate, and the fasten your seat belt sign is no longer lit, I feel like I can finally breathe. My new friend is the first to stand. I tilt my head side to side to stretch before taking another look outside the window. I jump when I feel a soft touch on my hand. Her older skin, while cold on mine, has a comforting touch.

  “You’ve got this, sweetheart. Good luck.”

  I don’t know what it was about her that made me feel comfortable enough to spill my guts to a stranger, but she listened and didn’t judge my decisions. I give her a soft smile and stand.

  “Thank you,” I say before I readjust my clothing and stretch again. I feel as though I’ve been traveling nonstop for days, but it was just a six-hour flight. I’ll stop in the bathroom and freshen up a little, even though Finn has seen me at my worst moments.

  She walks down the aisle, and I follow suit after reaching for my carry-on bag.

  “Have a great day, and welcome to Seattle,” the stewardess greets me as I exit the plane, and I smile at her. Time to get my man.

  I follow the signs to the baggage claim area, and as I wait for my suitcase, I pull my phone out of my purse and text Kate.

  Me: Landed in Seattle. Waiting for my bag.

  Kate: You nervous?

  Me: A little? What if he’s changed his mind and isn’t happy to see me?

  Kate: He won’t. That boy h
as loved you forever. He’s your lobster. *wink face*

  Me: I think you watch a little too much Friends.

  Kate: Stop with the crazy talk!

  Me: What, that he won’t be happy?

  Kate: No! That I watch too much Friends lol

  Me: *eye roll emoji*

  Kate: But in all seriousness, stop worrying. It will all be okay. Now go get your man and tell him I say hi.

  Kate: Oh, and to take care of my baby sis, or I’ll kick his ass.

  I smirk. My sister might be a little crazy, but I love her anyway. We may be identical but have two very different personalities. Her loud and outspoken personality evens out my mellow and reserved one.

  I brought one large bag along with my carry-on bag. Kate agreed that she would enlist our brother in helping her pack up and ship the rest of my stuff. As soon as I see my bag, I run toward the conveyor and grab it.

  Once outside, I take a moment and breathe in the fresh air. I follow the signs that lead me to the plethora of taxis and grab an open one. The driver helps me put my bag in the trunk, and I take a seat in the back.

  “Where to, miss?”

  “Home,” I mutter to myself, not planning for the driver to hear me.

  He chuckles. “Well, you may need to be a little more specific. I’m not sure where home is.”

  “Oh right, sorry, I’m just a little nervous.” I give him the address to Finn’s apartment building. I remember our brief trip out here after he first accepted the position to search for an apartment. We found the perfect place not far from his new office: a one-bedroom, open-concept apartment with beautiful floor-to-ceiling windows and a breakfast bar that I could envision us sitting at when I visited, enjoying coffee.