I Never Let You Go

by Stefanie Jenkins

  The driver takes off, and I lean my head against the back headrest and close my eyes and replay the memory of our last goodbye that haunts me daily. But I’m ready to make it right, to make us right. He has been the love of my life since we were sixteen, and I refuse to let this change that.

  I look out the window as the taxi passes the tall buildings. I see why Finn loves this place so much. I wonder if he stops off for coffee on his way to work at that coffee shop that we found in town, or if he goes running in the park across the street from his apartment. These are all things I should know, but I let my fear get in the way. I refuse to allow fear to rule my life anymore.

  “Here we are.” I pay the driver and exit the taxi. The driver helps me get my bag out of the trunk before he gets back in his car and pulls away from the curb, leaving me alone in a strange city. I probably should have told him I was coming, but I wanted to surprise him.

  I stand there looking up at the high-rise apartment building in front of me. I nibble my bottom lip in anticipation. I’m home. A smile crosses my lips as I make my way toward the building, rolling my suitcase behind me.

  I pause halfway to the front entrance. Wait, what if Finn isn’t home? Maybe surprising him wasn’t the best idea. I pull out my phone to call him, and it instantly goes to voicemail. Oh, okay.

  I’m staring at my phone, dumbfounded, when I hear a laugh in the distance. I know that laugh. It’s engraved in my brain, in my heart, in my soul. My heart warms, and butterflies fill my stomach, knowing that he is close. I can’t wait to see his smile when he sees me here, ready to move and start our life together.

  I turn in the direction of his laugh, ready to run to his arms when the breath is ripped from my lungs. He is walking toward the building. While he hasn’t seen me yet, I see him clear as day, and Finn—my Finn—is not alone. He has his arm around a woman, smiling from ear to ear and laughing with her. She is my complete opposite, curvy, blonde, with a huge rack.

  I take advantage that he still hasn’t seen me and hide behind the tree, clutching to the bark for dear life.

  “Oh my God!” I gasp and quickly cover my mouth so that he doesn’t hear me. I did this. I pushed him right into the arms of another woman. Millions of questions flood my mind. Did he find someone else? Is this why he’s been distant? Did he ignore my call on purpose because he’s with her?

  I watch as Finn and whoever this other woman is make their way to the front entrance of the building. He reaches for the door handle and opens it, allowing her to walk through. When she’s right in front of him, she stops. Please don’t kiss him. I can’t do this. I know I should shut my eyes, but I can’t look away. She places her palm on his cheek and smiles before leaning in to kiss his cheek. He doesn’t push her away. He looks happy. My stomach churns, and I fight the urge to vomit here on the sidewalk.

  I watch as they enter his building and walk toward the elevator. I should call him out. I should call his name, do something, anything. Scream and yell at him, that he broke his promise. He said that we were meant to be, that I was his dream, that he wanted to marry me. Was that all a lie? But just like the day at the airport, I stay quiet and let him walk away.

  Turning around with my back against the tree, I slide down to the ground, welcoming the scrape of the bark against my back. I want to feel anything but the pain that has taken over in my chest. The tears are freely falling down my cheeks. I don’t even care that I’m in the middle of a busy city, crying my eyes out. I need to get out of here though before I risk him seeing me and try to explain. I don’t want to hear his excuses. I did this. I told him I couldn’t marry him, but this is me doing something about it. I somehow stand on shaky legs and hail a cab. I can’t even look back at the apartment as the driver pulls off back to the airport.

  I have to max out my emergency credit card, but I manage to get on the next flight back to Philadelphia. Sitting at another window seat, I stare at my photo background on my phone, a photo of Finn and me from last summer.

  I open my text messages and read the last ones exchanged between Finn and me.

  Me: I tried calling you, but you didn’t answer. I was just calling to check in.

  Finn: Sorry, I’m busy. I’ll call you soon.

  Me: Oh, okay. Yeah sure. We can talk soon.

  Me: I miss you.

  Finn: Miss you too.

  This exchange was just two days ago. My fingers itch to respond to his message, Is that you were missing me because your new “friend” wasn’t around? Even worse, was he sending me these when she was around? Was she next to him, reading them over his shoulder and laughing? Was that what they were laughing at when I tried calling? I must look so pathetic to them. Here I was ready to move on with us, and he had moved on from us.

  My heart breaks all over, replaying that image in my head. My chest tightens, and I’m tempted to press the button for a flight attendant to help release the breathing masks. Through blurred vision, I chose to send my sister one last text before the plane takes off.

  Me: I’m coming home.

  I shut my phone off and throw it in my bag before storing it under my seat. I don’t want to hear from anyone right now, especially Kate or Finn. I bury my head in my hands and allow the tears to fall. I decide that this flight is the last of the tears I will ever cry for Griffin Reynolds. I loved him too much to let him give up his dream, but he loved me too little and let me go.

  For years when I imagined what my life would be like, I always pictured Lauren by my side. I was stupid to think that a random marriage proposal was the answer—Lauren deserved so much more, but nothing prepared me to hear that one word on her lips: “No.”

  It took everything I had to walk away from her at that airport. Yes, we had a plan, but we knew that we wanted to be together, so what did it matter? I know in my heart and my soul that she is the one for me. This may be my dream job, but without her here by my side, it’s nothing—something for me to do in an attempt to keep her voice out of my head: “No.”

  I’ve been adjusting to life here without her. Things haven’t been the same between us since that day. We’ve talked less and less, but she is always on my mind. She has tried to reach out, but I’ve been an asshole with a bruised ego and kept pushing her away, telling her I was busy and that we could talk later. I would let her calls go to voicemail and then text her with an excuse. I hated it, but I let my pride get in the way.

  How did life get flipped upside down?

  When I first moved out here, I befriended a man named Jaxon. Jax is a fellow associate at Nathanial and Michelson, one of the top architecture firms in Seattle that hired me. He and his girlfriend, Courtney, moved into the same apartment building I lived in, the week before I had. It was as if our friendship was meant to be. It was nice having someone to lean on. If I wasn’t at work, I was exploring the city with them or hanging out in one of our apartments. Jax’s and my friendship came easy, as it also did with Courtney. I think Lauren would get along great with both Jax and Courtney, and I can’t wait for her to meet them.

  The more I’ve gotten to know Court, the more I’ve come to love this girl, just like I love my younger sister, Kelsey. She calls me out on my shit, like how Kate used to and tells me all the time that I need to make it right with Lauren. She has helped me over the past few weeks get my shit together and realize I royally fucked up.

  I’ve had my time to sulk, and now it’s time I made it right. A few days ago, I asked Courtney to go with me to pick out the perfect engagement ring for Lauren. I planned to fly back home and surprise her, telling her I had gone all about this the wrong way and ask her to marry me properly. On our way back to the building, Lauren called. I ignored the call with the intention of calling her back once safely in my apartment.

  It’s been five days of nothing from Lauren. While sadly this had become our norm, something feels off. We have never gone this long before. I can’t put my finger on it, but this is different. Courtney and Jax had invited me out to join them for drinks, but I
had turned them down to be home alone, wallowing in my own self-pity.

  I swirl the golden liquid in my tumbler before downing the contents. I welcome the burn of the whiskey. I set the glass down next to my printed-out ticket to Philadelphia and the black velvet box I intend to give to Lauren upon my arrival.

  I reach for my phone and begin scrolling through our texts, or shall I say my texts to Lauren. Never once did I see those three dots indicating that she was responding.

  Lo: I miss you.

  Me: Miss you too.

  Me: Are you okay? I tried calling you four times.

  Me: What’s going on?

  Me: I’ve left you voicemail after voicemail, Lo, can you please call me?

  Me: I know things have been crazy, but I love you.

  Me: I need to know that you are okay. My sister talked to Kyler, and all he would say is yes, you’re alive.

  Me: Why won’t you talk to me?

  Me: Baby, please.

  Me: Lauren, you’re starting to scare me.

  With each unanswered text, I began to come unhinged. I need to talk to her, hear her voice, know that we’ll get past all of this, and we can get through whatever this is we’re going through. I mean, we’re Finn and Lo. She’s the other half of me. If it weren’t for Kelsey being friends with Kyler, I wouldn’t even know that she was alive. For all I know she could be lying in a ditch somewhere, and that was the reason for not answering. I begged Kelsey to ask Kyler to give me something. He told her it wasn’t his business to get involved but that she was at least alive.

  Alive. Not okay. Not happy. But alive. That’s all I got.

  I pull up her contact information and stare at her photo. Lauren is happy and smiling. What happened? What changed that? Why couldn’t I have just answered her calls? We’ve always been able to communicate. Talking to Lauren about problems always came easy—what made this so different?

  I hit Send for what feels like the millionth time in two weeks. I know she won’t answer, but I’ll leave another voicemail. Nothing prepares me for what comes next.

  “We’re sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this message in error, please check the number and try your call again.”

  I try again six times, and each time the same message. I thought I had known pain walking away from her, waking up without her by my side, not hearing from her—but this? This is enough to rip the air from my body. I pick up the tumbler from the table and throw it against the wall, glass shattering everywhere, just like the pieces my heart.

  Ten years later…

  “All right, that’s our cue,” the wedding coordinator says as the soft sounds of Pachelbel’s “Canon in D” begin to echo in the vestibule of the church.

  “See you out there, sis,” Zach, the best man, and my brother’s best friend, says to the bride as the doors open, and he begins to walk his daughter, Emme, who also happens to be the cutest flower girl ever, down the aisle. Our view of them is quickly cut off when the doors close one again.

  “Ladies, line up, please. Lauren, Kate, and then Haylee,” the coordinator instructs. “Dani, you and your father will stay off to the side until it’s time.”

  “Got it,” Dani says with a salute before turning back to a conversation with her dad.

  I adjust my bouquet and take a deep breath.

  Just before the doors open for me to begin my walk to the altar, my sister leans forward, her bouquet brushing against my back. “Don’t trip.”

  “Gee, thanks,” I whisper.

  “You looked nervous.” She laughs before swatting my butt with her free hand. “Go get ’em, tiger.”

  The smile on my face as I begin my walk is a combination of happiness I feel for Kyler and Dani’s big day as well as wondering how it is that Kate and I shared a womb. Some of the things she says, I’m not sure where she comes up with them.

  I concentrate on my walk, now worried that I will trip, so I don’t pay attention to everyone in the pews staring at me. My gaze goes from the floor in front of me to my brother. I smile at Kyler and Zach as I take my place on the altar. I can’t believe my baby brother is getting married. It seems as though just yesterday, Kate and I had tricked him into climbing into the dryer in search of candy, and now he is a man starting the next chapter of his life.

  Kate and Haylee have joined me on the altar when the music changes.

  “Please rise,” the minister announces to the crowd. Everyone stands and turns to face the door where Dani and Adam are about to walk through, but I focus on my brother. Today is the happiest day of his life. He looks handsome in his tux, but the best part about him is his smile. It reaches his eyes, and those brown eyes just like mine have tears ready to spill over when he finally sees his bride making her way to him. It’s incredible the amount of love pouring out of him right now. Dani and Kyler are perfect for each other. We knew something about her was different from the day he met her. We’ve never seen Ky so smitten with anyone else. And when he finally brought her around to meet Kate and me, we could see exactly why.

  I fight back the tears threatening to spill from my own eyes—a combination of happy tears watching them ready to profess their love for each other, but my heart hurts for a moment, for I think back to the one I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with. You would think after ten years the love and the hurt would fade. But my broken heart hurts just as fresh as the day it shattered. I tried seeing other people, but no one ever compared to him. Will I ever feel that way again?

  Emme makes the cutest gurgling noise in excitement as her grandparents hold her, drawing my attention to her and causing a smile to form on my lips. She is so sweet. I can see why Ky is so taken with her. That little girl has Zach and Haylee wrapped around her finger. Who am I kidding? She has all of us wrapped around her cute little fingers. I love being a pseudo aunt. That’s the thing about our group of friends—it doesn’t matter if we are blood related or connected through marriage, we are all still family.

  I observe Dani’s parents, Adam and Kelly, smile at each with so much love in their eyes as they watch their daughter get married. Adam even places a kiss to the top of his wife’s head, showing his love to her. My eyes travel across the aisle to where my mom stands alone. Of course he’s not here today. Why would he be? Does he even know his son is getting married today? As if Mom knew I was thinking about her, about him, she turns her attention away from the bride and groom and gives me a soft smile, which I return.

  There are so many people here today to celebrate Dani and Kyler. I am just about to turn back to focus on them when my eyes meet the same brown eyes that haunt me in my dreams at night—Griffin Reynolds.

  What is he doing here? How is he here and our own father isn’t? Our eyes lock, and it’s like I’m assaulted with the memories of our past, the love we once shared, and the love we lost.

  Last night at Haylee’s house for our girls’-night sleepover when Dani said maybe I would find a nice man to meet and fall in love with at her wedding, I meant what I said.

  “A love like yours and yours”—I glanced back and forth between Dani and Haylee—“is rare and not found often.”

  “Maybe you’ll find yourself a handsome single man at the wedding and get your happily ever after,” Dani responded, not knowing anything about my past that I’ve kept hidden.

  “Nah. I had my once-in-a-lifetime love before, and it didn’t work out.”

  My chance at love had come and gone. So why am I seeing this man who held and crushed my heart in front of me – after all this time? Why here? Why now?

  Maybe he isn’t really here and it’s just my subconscious thinking about him on a day filled with so much love. Yeah, that’s it. I close my eyes quickly, but when I open them again, he is still there, staring at me, the corners of his lips tipped upward. I suddenly feel a nudge and break our staring contest.

  I turn to see Kate narrowing her eyes at me, making sure I pay attention as my brother
and Dani recite their vows. I feel his eyes on me though. How did I not sense him before? The church feels as though it’s beginning to close in. It’s one of those moments when you are too scared to move, except this time I’m terrified to not move; it’s just that I’m stuck. It would be frowned upon to pull a Runaway Bride and bolt the church. I nervously adjust my hands over the ribbon on my bouquet base as Dani and Kyler are officially announced husband and wife and have what some may say a kiss way too hot for God’s house.

  The tears threaten to fall as I catch one last glimpse of Finn as I turn to watch Dani and Kyler walk down the aisle. After Zach and Haylee and Kate and Bennett have left the altar arm in arm, it is now mine to turn to walk down with Ky’s other groomsman, Hunter, walking right past Finn.

  Hunter extends his elbow to me. “You okay,” he asks softly.

  I link my arm through his and smile. “Yeah, just weddings get me all emotional.” He nods before searching the crowd for his girlfriend, Aria, and smiles at her as we begin our journey to meet up with the rest of the wedding party. I focus on the bride and groom celebrating at the end of the aisle instead of turning to see his eyes still on me. No matter how much I want to run up to him and demand to know why he is here, today is not about me, it’s not about him, or us. Today is about Dani and Kyler, and I won’t be responsible for ruining their wedding.

  When our eyes locked during the ceremony, my entire world tilted on its axis. Every feeling that I have ever felt for this woman came rushing at me like a tidal wave. I am pretty sure my heart skipped a beat. Her look of surprise makes me believe that my attendance was kept a secret from her, but in my defense, I hadn’t planned to be here as my mother’s plus one—life just had other plans. After my father passed away suddenly, Mom contemplated changing her RSVP to a no, but I stepped up and offered to take her. I could put on my big-boy pants and attend the wedding of my ex-girlfriend’s brother and see her for the first time in years.