Tempted

by Brenda Ford

  But I have to keep it to myself. That’s the only way that this can work right now. I don’t want anyone else to know, I don’t want to be brought down by the opinions of others, I just want to enjoy myself. I want to live in this love and see where it leads. Especially since Artie has promised to clean up his act for me. It proved to me that he is a bad boy, not that I understand the full extent of that, and I don’t want to either, but he is going to improve himself and make his life better so that me and him can be together. What girl wouldn’t want to hear that? What woman doesn’t want to be told that a man is going to change for her?

  Artie Wilson is a good guy deep down and I know that he can be that person once more. If he really wants to be with me, then he will make sure that happens. He will do whatever it takes to make it work. I’m excited to see him taking those steps in the right direction, to see what way his life will go now.

  “What is that smile?” Nikki asks with a happy expression as she passes my desk. “You seem very happy at the moment. Is there something going on that I don’t know about? Are you keeping secrets?”

  There it is that wash of guilt all over again. “No, there isn’t anything. I’m just happy at the moment. Things are going well with work and I’m just feeling good about things. That’s all.”

  I shrug my shoulders, trying to act all blasé about everything, but I don’t know if Nikki believes me. She is giving me a look like she knows that I have something going on underneath the surface. I hate that she’s right, that I am hiding something from her, but I know that this is the best way right now.

  “Okay, well I am thinking that me and you should do something this weekend. You aren’t working, are you? I was thinking that on Saturday night me and you could go out for some drinks. Maybe go and see if we can find some hot guys to make us smile for a night. Not like, to go home with them or anything, just for some fun.”

  Actually, that does sound like good fun and I would kinda like to go out and have fun with my friend, but I already have plans this weekend with Artie. I am going to see him again and I don’t want to give up on that either. I certainly don’t want to be wasting time with other guys when I could be with him. the idea of even chatting to another man, never mind flirting with someone, even if it is only harmless, doesn’t appeal to me at all. It’s almost as if no one else exists to me now. He is the only person that I can see.

  “Erm, I actually don’t know what my work schedule is this weekend,” I lie, hating myself for it. “I will have to let you know about that once I get my schedule. I know I have a lot of meetings…”

  “Okay, sure,” Nikki replies with ease. “Another time then, But soon, right? We have to do it soon.”

  “I would love to do it soon,” I tell her honestly. “Sorry, it’s just a bit of a crazy time at the moment.”

  “I know. It always is.” Nikki’s easy smile is genuine and sweet. Even if she does see through me then she is being a really good friend. I really appreciate her being in my life and being my best friend. I am going to apologize like crazy the moment I can truly be honest with her. “We will have a good time.”

  “I know, and it has been a while, hasn’t it?” I smile thinly at her. “Maybe if I can’t do anything this weekend, then next weekend we could make some plans for a big girl’s night out?” It will be hard, but I can go one weekend without seeing Artie. He will understand, I’m sure of it. “Because we do need fun.”

  “Sure thing, Rose. Whenever you are free. It sounds like a good time.”

  I get back to my work and let my mind spin as I do, already planning what it’s going to be like with Artie. I know that he has a million and one reasons why he doesn’t want me to go back to his place, and I understand it completely, but I’m hoping that this time when I go to see him I will get to see a little bit of his life. I don’t want to know everything about him, not right away, but I do want to peel back a few of his layers. I do want to see more of the person who he has become because he absolutely fascinates me.

  But I can’t cut off my whole life for him, that would be wild. I don’t want to forget about my friends just because it might be awkward when they don’t approve of me and him. I have to get a balance. That way, if things don’t work out again, it doesn’t end up being a major shock to the system. It isn’t something that I have to go through alone. I did a lot of it by myself last time because I felt like no one understood my point of view (mostly because I was wrong) so I don’t want it to be like that again. This time everything will be different…

  The train journey doesn’t feel that long. Maybe it’s because I’m so used to traveling by the point so every moment on a commute can be used usefully in ways I have figured out over time, or perhaps it’s because I know that what I’m headed towards is so worth it. Either way, I don’t mind it one bit. Every moment that I spend moving away from home, the more that the guilt and any issues I feel just fade away.

  I suppose that does make it like a fantasy because I’m basically living in a dream away from reality. It’s like a holiday romance every single time I see Artie, but the reason that it feels so good is because I know that me and him can face life together when reality does come in. We have been through enough together in our past to know that everything we face in the future we can do it. We know what life is like apart and both of us have to admit that it is so much better together. There is no point in making ourselves unhappy once more.

  A smile spreads across my face and I lean my head against the window as the world rushes passed. I might be all buttoned up in my work uniform right now because I came straight from the office, but I have a really nice slinky outfit to wear once I get in to the hotel. I’m excited to dress up for Artie, to be all sexy for him. I want him to see the woman that I have become for him. It’s all much too thrilling for words.

  I think about other dates that I have had in the past, when I have been resentful about getting all dressed up for a guy. At the time I assumed that it was just something I didn’t like but now I’m sure that it’s just because none of them were the right guy. For Artie, I can’t wait to see his expression when he looks at me. It helps that I know he’s still attracted to me when I’m all scruffy and at my worst. It makes me want to be my best for him.

  God, even if I am trying to take things slow to be smart, I am already head over heels for him. I mean, we have already declared our love for one another which is wild. I told myself that I am listening to Nikki’s advice and putting on the brakes and keeping my head intact, and it really feels like I am while we are apart, but when I’m with him, or when I’m speeding towards him on the train, I absolutely lose my mind. I become that giddy foolish school girl in love no matter what the consequences might be. I know there is no stopping me.

  Eventually, the train pulls in to the station, and I step off, inhaling the air of the place that is slowly becoming my second home. I breathe in deep, taking all of it to the back of my throat, and feeling good about everything as I do. Of course, I would prefer it if Artie had come to meet me off the train, but I already knew that he wasn’t going to. He told me that he had some things to take care of and I’m hoping that spells good news. I don’t know what he could possibly be doing but since he said that he wants to put his old life behind him, I’m hoping it’s that. Then we can have some real talk about the future. Then we can really enjoy ourselves.

  God, the world will be our oyster then, won’t it? It will be wonderful. Anything will be possible. I really can’t stop myself from getting carried away with the romantic ideals about what might be to come. It’s exciting.

  The girl sitting at the hotel reception desk greets me like an old friend which is kinda how I feel now. She is starting to get to know me because I am here so much which is funny. Perhaps that will continue to be a thing for a while so me and Artie can work out our place in the world, or maybe it won’t be. There is a chance that once all of Artie’s stuff is sorted out, he won’t want to be here at all. He will be done with this place.r />
  I let my mind wander some more as I head in to yet another hotel room and I pour myself a nice bubble bath to get myself ready for my man. I do text him to let him know what room I’m in, but I don’t get anything back right away. That only happens when he is really busy which means I have some time. I settle in to the bath and let my eyes close so I can day dream some more. I love living in my own little fantasy world.

  “Oh, Artie,” I murmur happily, feeling totally peaceful. “Artie, Artie, Artie… what will I do with you?”

  I certainly know all of the wicked things that I am going to do with him tonight, that’s for sure. I am going to show him how much I have missed him while I’ve been working all week long. And I really have fucking missed him a lot. This whole long-distance thing is already very difficult. It definitely isn’t sustainable long term. But I don’t think I am going to have to worry about it long term. We might not have discussed practicalities, but I’m sure that me and him are on the same page. Then, when things start moving forwards, I will tell Nikki everything because I will be sure then that everything is worth it, even if she is mad at me.

  Nikki can’t stay furious forever though, not when she sees how happy we are, how perfect he is for me.

  Chapter 11 – Artie

  Tara is staring at me with narrowed angry eyes over her brother’s shoulder, letting me know how little she likes what I am saying. Not that her opinion has ever really mattered to me, and even less so now. I’m probably not going to see her ever again if I get my own way here, so I really can’t care.

  “I don’t get what you are trying to say to me here,” Butch snaps with much more anger in her voice than I was expecting from him. “You know that this gang isn’t ever just a temporary thing, right? You do get that it’s for life. People can’t just dip in and out of our club as if it’s just for fucking fun.”

  “I know that,” I insist quickly. “And I honestly thought that this was what I would want for the rest of my life when I first joined. I pledged myself to you and I get that it’s shitty for me to try and un do that pledge, but I am nearly thirty years old now and a completely different man. My life is taking a different direction…”

  “I don’t really want to hear that,” Butch snaps back. “That sounds like a croc of shit to me. We all grow up and change through life but that doesn’t mean that we can turn our back on things like this. It doesn’t work like that. You already know too much which is why your loyalty must not be for life.”

  Oh God, is that what this is about? “You don’t need to worry about that, Butch. I’m not exactly innocent in all of that, am I? I’m not going to rush to the cops about everything, that isn’t what this is about at all. I just want to do something different. I want to escape all of this. I mean, I will go, Butch. I will get out of here and you will never have to hear from me or see me again. I will vanish in to thin air like I never existed.”

  “I don’t want that,” Tara whines, speaking out for the first time. She pouts out her bottom lip from dramatic effect and grips tightly on to her brother’s shoulders. “I want you to stay, Artie. I like having you here. Butch does as well, and so do the rest of the guys. We are a family. You can’t just skip out on us like that.”

  I resist the urge to roll my eyes and I completely ignore her. I’m not her ask Tara about cutting ties with the gang, I want to discuss it with Butch. I know that I could have just run off in the middle of the night and they probably wouldn’t ever have been able to find me, but I have too much respect for him for that. He has been good to me during some very difficult times in my life and I want to repay him in kind.

  “This is about a woman,” Butch suddenly declares decidedly. “It has to be, doesn’t it? This is about a woman who has suddenly come in to your life and now wants to change you.” He shakes his head hard. “If a woman can’t accept you and your life then you need to get rid of her. We accept partners here; this isn’t some kind of locked off boy’s club. You should bring your woman around and see if she can fit in with us.”

  I can’t imagine it. Rose in the club house. She wouldn’t fit in at all but in the very best way. I wouldn’t want a woman who is all good with the motorcycle gang because then it means I wouldn’t be able to escape. I would just sink deeper in to that hole and that isn’t what I want at all. I want out.

  “This might be a bit of a shock to you, Artie,” Butch continues with a serious tone of voice. “But Tara likes you. If you’re looking for a woman who would be happy for you to continue on with this life, then why don’t you date my sister? I know that I would be able to trust you with her which means a lot…”

  Oh God, this is back, this is really bad. Now Butch is trying to do some kind of bullshit match making service with his sister, like he hasn’t just worked out that I am in love with someone else.

  “I don’t think that’s necessary, Butch.” I’m going to have to be honest with him. “Because I am with someone already. And it isn’t just someone who I am dating who doesn’t like the life style or anything like that, this is the one. The girl that I let get away when I was depressed and grieving like crazy.”

  “So… your high school girlfriend?” He screws up his face in disgust at the idea. “Are you joking? Surely you guys haven’t seen one another for years, and you definitely can’t be the same people. You are nothing like the scrawny little guy who first wandered in here when you lost your best friend.”

  “I know, but it works,” I tell him with sincerity in my voice. “Me and her are still good together…”

  “So, that must be why you have been missing so much of the gang’s activity.” Now he is even more pissed off. “I don’t like that at all, Artie. I don’t like the fact that you have been pulling away and now you are making this snap decision. It doesn’t make any sense. I think you are going to regret it a lot.”

  “I won’t regret it, Butch, this is what I need to do moving forwards.” I can’t stop myself from smiling. “I need to be with Rose, we have to make it work, and to do that I need a fresh start. I won’t even remember what has happened here, much less tell anyone. If you are willing to trust me with your sister, then you must understand how loyal I am to you. I would never do anything to hurt you. It wouldn’t happen.”

  But Butch doesn’t look impressed and it doesn’t help that Tara has started whispering furiously in to his ear. I can’t believe that she isn’t even embarrassed about what Butch said, she doesn’t care that he tried to pimp her out to me, she just seems utterly determined to keep me around which is annoying. This is why I wanted to keep this meeting to just me and Butch, but she insisted on sticking around. What a nightmare.

  But all I can do now is sit still and wait for Butch to make his decision. I hope that he sees how sincere I am, and he agrees with my decision to leave peacefully. I don’t want any trouble.

  “Tara is right,” Butch suddenly says gruffly. “It might set a precedence if I let you leave. Other guys might start to think that this is a gang that you can dip in and out of. We might lose everyone.”

  “I don’t mind what you tell the other guys,” I reply with a shrug. “Even if you say that I’m not around anymore because I died, that doesn’t matter to me at all. Like I said, I will be out of your hair completely.”

  “Have you never heard of the Internet?” Tara spits out bitterly. “People will find you.”

  “But I don’t use the Internet, so I don’t see how anyone can trace me through that. Nor do I intend to start.”

  “Other people do though.” She folds her arms across her chest defiantly. “Your girlfriend might.”

  “She isn’t like that,” I insist right away. “She definitely isn’t the sort of person who needs to live her life online. She is more off the grid when it comes to social media, so it really is fine.”

  I have an answer for everything which is clearly winding Tara up. I know that she is trying to grind me down until I agree to stay but that isn’t going to happen. One way or another I will be leaving. R
ight now, I am just trying to do it the right way. I am doing my best to be respectful, but I am one hundred percent done with this life style now and ready to move on now in whatever way I have to do it. I am doing this for Rose and me as well. We need this fresh start; it is the best thing for us. I would just prefer it to be a simple transition.

  “I guess I will have to think about this,” Butch finally tells me. “I can’t make a decision about something so huge immediately. I will need to sit down and work out how to make this happen, if I am going to allow it. I just don’t know if I am prepared for you to break every single rule of the club.”

  “I know that I am asking a lot of you, and I appreciate you considering it Butch.” Of course, I would much prefer an answer right now, that’s kind of what I was hoping for so that I could go back to Rose with the good news, but this is better than nothing. This isn’t an outright no which I will have to take as a good sign. “Thank you for your time and I hope that this is something we can agree on soon.”

  “Are you going to meet her now?” Tara asks bitterly as I rise from my chair. “The woman who has ruined us? Because that would be a bit shit of you, wouldn’t it? To keep leading her on when you don’t know whether or not you are going to be allowed to be with her properly. I don’t think you should act like that.”

  So many retorts threaten to come to the surface, but I don’t let any of them out. Now isn’t the right time for me to start a fight when I want Tara and Butch on my side, so I bite my tongue and I refuse to say anything at all. Instead, I head out of the room and congratulate myself on surviving that meeting without losing my mind.

  This is good, I tell myself as I exit the building and I hop on to my bike. I have made some good steps here; I am in the process of proving to Rose that I am worthwhile and that I can be good enough.

  The further away I get from the club house, the better I feel. It helps that I am headed towards the hotel to meet with Rose for yet another weekend of fun with the woman that I love. That’s enough to make anyone feel good. I’m also looking forward to letting her know that soon we can be together forever. Of course, I will still need to work on myself, I will need to find a way to support myself and her as well because I want to be an equal partner to Rose, not someone that she has to support because I am not good enough. I want to make Rose’s life better not more challenging. But I will. I mean, if I can escape the motorcycle gang then I can do anything, right? Not many people can get themselves out of such a tight and complex situation.