Halfway to Forever

by Karen Kingsbury

  Matt wasn’t sure how to begin. Tanner hadn’t said more than a few words about Jade’s condition since her last seizure. He spent hours at the office, working well past his usual six o’clock, and seemed entirely focused on the Colorado case.

  Normally that might be fine. That kind of devotion happened once in a while at the offices of CPRR. But not now, not with Jade so sick her life was at stake. Matt sank into the high-backed leather chair across from Tanner and stroked his chin.

  It was best to start on safe ground. “How’s the case?”

  Tanner looked up, a brief smile lifting the corners of his mouth. “Good. We’ll file suit against the city tomorrow. I’ll need to be there a few days each week for the next month.”

  “Still going for the sneak attack?” Matt studied Tanner. The man was brilliant when it came to strategy, and the solution he’d mapped out for this case was no exception. In fact, if it went the way Tanner expected it to, the case could serve as a major precedent for a decade to come. Still, with Jade sick, there had to be a better answer than Tanner flying to Colorado.

  Tanner laughed. “It’ll surprise ‘em, that’s for sure.” He tapped the file on his desk. “It’ll be heard in Colorado Springs. You knew that, right?”

  “No.” Matt raised an eyebrow. “You got the change of venue.”

  “Last week. I thought I told you.” Tanner’s gaze fell for a moment. “The judge thought we needed a jury outside of Benson for a fair trial.”

  “Pretty big news to keep to yourself.”

  “Yeah.” Tanner looked up again, his eyes narrowed as though his heart was a million miles away. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

  There was a moment of silence between them and in the distant background they heard the ringing of the office phone. Matt softened his tone. “How’s it going, really?”

  “Good.” Tanner shrugged. “I’m praying we get the right verdict the first time around. Maybe we can skip the appeals process if I can make a strong enough argument.”

  “Tanner.” Matt blinked. “I’m not talking about the case.” He hesitated. “How are things with Jade? You never talk about her. Hannah and I are desperate to help, but we don’t know how.”

  Tanner pushed back from his desk and leaned deep into his chair. “She’s fine. The doctor increased her medication, and she has a full-time nurse in case she has another seizure.”

  Matt’s mind raced, trying to make sense of everything his friend was saying. “The tumor’s grown, is that what happened? That’s why they had to increase her medication?”

  “Yes.” The look on Tanner’s face was almost angry. “It’s growing, okay. But we’re handling it just fine. Jade’s nurse is taking care of everything.”

  “Okay …” Frustration built in Matt and he leaned forward, resting his forearms on Tanner’s desk. He’d never seen his friend so cold and shallow. It was like someone else had taken over Tanner Eastman’s body. “So bite my head off, why don’t you?”

  For a moment Tanner looked like he might snap back, but instead he exhaled long and slow, his shoulders slumping in the process. “I’m sorry.” He rotated his chair so he faced the window, his back to Matt. His voice was hard to hear over the traffic nine stories down. “You don’t deserve that.”

  Matt sat straight again and studied his friend’s back. “No. And you don’t deserve a sick wife, but that’s where you’re at. All I’m saying is, Hannah and I want to help.”

  Tanner was motionless for a while. Then without turning around he began to speak, his voice quiet and broken. “It’s hard for her to have visitors. She’s … she’s slower than before. Her speech, the way she walks.… ”

  Matt’s heart broke as Tanner turned around once more and their eyes connected. Tanner’s were dry, but only because the fear in his face was stronger than the pain. Matt clenched his jaw and shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

  Tanner nodded. “The doctor says she should be back to normal once the baby’s born and they can remove the tumor. But for now …”

  Their eyes held for a moment, and Matt didn’t know what to say. No wonder he didn’t talk about it much. He was too terrified to voice his concerns. “I can’t imagine.”

  “It’s like …” Tanner lifted his hands and let them drop. “It’s like I lose her a little more each day.” He planted his elbows on his desk and hung his head, his shoulders trembling. There was an ocean of sadness in his voice. “I’m so scared.”

  There was nothing left for Matt to say. He stood and circled the desk, stopping behind Tanner and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Let Hannah and me come over tonight and pray with you. Please.”

  Tanner wiped the back of his hand beneath his eyes. “I’m not sure Jade would be up to it.”

  Matt’s heart sank. “Then let us bring you dinner. If she’s feeling good enough, we’ll stay for a while.”

  Tanner lifted his head and looked about to protest when Matt’s secretary poked her head in. “Matt, line two. It’s Hannah.”

  Normally Matt would have taken the call there, in Tanner’s office, but something told him Tanner needed to be alone. He followed the woman, glancing back at his friend. “Be right back.”

  Matt’s office was next door. He dropped to the chair behind his desk, picked up the receiver and punched the flashing button. “Hannah?”

  Her breathing was rough, and Matt heard the muffled sound of sniffling. “Hi. Sorry to call you at work.”

  There was no question about it. She was crying. A surge of adrenaline coursed through Matt’s veins. “Honey, what’s wrong? You sound terrible.”

  “Mrs. Parsons called.” Hannah struggled with each word. “Grace’s grandmother is alive. The judge is ordering that Grace live with her.”

  The words hit him like so many bricks. “What?” Matt’s reply came out as more of a gasp, as he hunched over his knees and dug his elbows into his thighs. “That’s impossible.”

  Hannah sniffed again. “It’s true.” She hesitated. “Grace leaves tomorrow.”

  Not Grace! Matt screamed the thought silently, the pain so deep, so great, it was impossible to voice. There didn’t seem to be enough oxygen in the room, no way to take a deep breath. Every thought in Matt’s head spun wildly out of control. “They can’t do that.”

  “Well, they are.” A small sob made its way across the phone lines. “Come home, Matt. Please.”

  “Okay.” He didn’t recognize his own voice. “I’m on my way.”

  He hung up the phone and stared at his hands, willing himself to deny the fact that Hannah had called, or that the social worker had delivered the news. Wanting to disbelieve all of it. How could their social worker have missed the fact that Grace had a grandmother? And why weren’t they told of the judge’s decision sooner?

  Matt clenched his fists. If only he’d had an hour before the judge. Surely he could have convinced the man that Grace was better off in a family, with a mother and father and sister who loved her. Matt would have argued that the grandmother could have visitation rights, but full custody? To a woman Grace didn’t even know was alive?

  The effort of standing took everything that remained of Matt’s strength. Like a man moving through water, he made his way back to Tanner’s office, walked inside, and closed the door.

  The moment Tanner saw Matt, his expression filled with alarm. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

  Matt realized Tanner thought the call had been about Jade, that perhaps the news—whatever it was—was so bad it couldn’t come directly to Tanner.

  Matt shook his head. “Nothing about Jade.”

  There was a subtle easing in the lines on Tanner’s face. “Hannah, then?”

  For a moment Matt did nothing but hold his breath, his eyes locked on those of his friend. Then he shrugged his shoulders, feeling the sting of tears. “They’re taking Grace from us tomorrow.”

  Tanner stared while the news sank in. Then he let his head drop as though the news was more than he could bear. When he looked up he ha
d just one word. “Why?”

  Matt worked the muscles in his jaw. “Her grandmother came looking for her. The judge decided—”

  “No!” Tanner slammed his fist onto his desk, his voice filling the room. “Why is this happening to us?” He stood and stared outside, gripping the windowsill. His knuckles were white; his back trembled. “It isn’t supposed to be like this. We’re on God’s team, you and me. We fight heaven’s battles, and in return we’re supposed to get a break, isn’t that right?”

  Matt let his gaze fall to the floor for a moment. The pain in his heart was crippling; there was no way he could respond.

  Tanner exhaled and the noise filled the room. He spun around. “You know what’s eating at me?” His voice was saturated in bitterness. “When was the last time He helped either one of us?”

  Matt was conditioned to have the list on hand: his health, his marriage, his job, his home, the familiar accounting of God’s numerous blessings. But all he could think about was Grace, her apple-cheeked smile, her twinkling eyes and curly hair. And the way it would decimate his family when she said good-bye. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Me neither.” Tanner laced his hands behind his head, clenched his teeth and moaned. “I don’t know how much we’re supposed to take.”

  There was nothing Matt could do but agree. He closed his eyes. Give me strength, God; get me through this. As he prayed, an anchor appeared before his eyes. It came in the form of a Bible verse he’d memorized as a college senior. Without thinking, the words were on his lips. “ ‘In this world you will have trouble.’ ” His tone was calm, belying the condition of his heart. “ ‘But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ ”

  “I know.” Tanner’s shoulders slumped and he leaned against his desk. “It’s just …”

  The heartache ripping through Matt was getting worse. He had to get home to Hannah, had to see if there was anything they could do to stop the madness that had come upon them. “I need to go.”

  Tanner drew a deep breath and crossed the room, hugging Matt with the crook of his arm the way he might hug a close brother. “Call me.”

  “I will.”

  Moving in a fog of fear and uncertainty, Matt grabbed his things and headed for the car. There was roadwork on Malibu Canyon and the ride home would likely take twice as long as normal. That was fine. Matt needed the time to think.

  He stared at the brake lights in front of him and then gazed up.

  A blue sky stretched from one mountain range to the other, and the sun overhead sent rays of light along the narrow canyon road. Warmth filled the car, numbing his fear, and Matt shifted his attention to the wheat-colored rolling hills in the distance.

  As he did, he was drawn toward the tunnels of time.

  It was the pain, of course. The pain reminded him of meeting Hannah for the first time, of looking into the eyes of a woman who had just lost her husband and child.

  He remembered the first time he and Hannah met in court, before one of the hearings. He’d never seen so haunting a face before. Hannah was equal parts devastated, determined, and defiant. And more beautiful than any woman he’d ever seen.

  With the Pacific Ocean just ahead, Matt gripped the steering wheel with both hands and remembered the depth of despair she had carried that first year of their friendship, the year he spent prosecuting Brian Wesley.

  Everywhere she went back then, Hannah wore a pin with the photos of Tom and Alicia. As he worked the case, Matt often relived his own grief from years before, when his best friend in college was killed by a drunk driver. But over the months of working with Hannah, he came to realize no matter how strong his pain had been at losing his friend, it paled in comparison to losing a spouse.

  Or a child.

  “It’s a kind of pain you can’t know until you feel it yourself,” Hannah had told him.

  Memories of her voice faded as Matt reached Pacific Coast Highway. He was five minutes from home. Was it really happening? Would he walk inside and find Hannah crying? And what about Jenny? She’d already lost one sister, and that had just about done her in.

  How would she handle losing Grace?

  He remembered the night before when he sat on the edge of Grace’s bed, holding her hand and reading her a nighttime story.

  “Daddy?” She looked at him from a nest of soft blankets and lacy pillows and batted her eyelashes. “Will you always read me stories?”

  Matt grinned at this little one who’d so captured his heart. “Forever and ever, Gracie.”

  “Even when I’m big?”

  A lump formed in Matt’s throat, a combination of gratefulness and sadness. Grateful because this precious child was his daughter, and sadness because one day she’d grow up and leave them. “Yes,” he said when he found his voice. “Even when you’re big.”

  The image disappeared as Matt pulled into the driveway and climbed out of the car. Now there would be no lifetime of storytelling, no growing up together, no little girl to call his own.

  And in that moment, Matt knew Hannah was right. Losing a child created a kind of heartache that could only be understood through experience. Because the hurt that weighed on him now was greater than any Matt had ever felt.

  He steadied himself before opening the front door. Carry me, Lord …

  Be still and know that I am God …

  The flash of words in his mind was so strong, Matt knew they’d come straight from heaven. Still, the pain remained. And Matt knew that whatever happened next, Hannah would show him the way through it. She knew what to do, how to act, how to grieve. How to survive this kind of loss.

  After all, she had lost a child before.

  Now it was his turn.

  Fifteen

  Grace’s grandmother didn’t look like a monster.

  Quite the opposite, in fact. Sitting across from Hannah and Matt in the Bronzans’ living room the next morning, Patsy Landers looked nothing short of genteel. She was petite, with fashionably cropped gray hair, compassionate eyes, and a pleasant smile. A strand of elegant pearls lay over her beige cashmere sweater, and despite her considerable limp, she had the polished mannerisms of a cultured woman.

  But Hannah couldn’t help think it all a clever disguise. After all, she was here for one reason only: to tear their family apart.

  Of course the woman claimed to love Grace and want the best for her. But why take her from the only stable home she’d ever known? What kind of love was that? Hannah kept her feelings about Patsy to herself. There wasn’t time for ill will toward the older woman. Not now, when they had less than an hour left with a child they had come to love as their own.

  Hannah and Matt sat huddled on one sofa, Grace squeezed between them, Jenny close against Hannah’s other side. Mrs. Parsons had given them their explanations and made it clear their legal options were reduced to none.

  It was time to say good-bye.

  Hannah wiped the tears from her cheeks and looked at the two older women sitting across from them. “Would you mind if we had a few minutes alone with Grace?”

  The social worker gave a quick nod. “Take your time.” She stood and motioned for Patsy Landers to follow. “We’ll walk on the beach. Thirty minutes sound okay?”

  Hannah nodded and hung her head.

  Her life since Mrs. Parsons’s phone call the day before seemed like something from a nightmare. Matt had gotten home just after one o’clock and spent the next two hours talking with various officials at Social Services.

  He had started with Mrs. Parsons. The questions sounded like something from one of Matt’s famous cross-examinations, and Hannah sat cross-legged nearby, staring at the floor, listening to Matt’s end of the conversation.

  “What if the woman isn’t mentally sound?” Pause. “Have you checked her financial records?” Another pause. “Does she have the space to raise a child? The energy?”

  When he had exhausted all avenues with Mrs. Parsons, Matt asked to speak to her superior. Again Hannah listened.

&nb
sp; “I understand that, but the judge has already given her permanent placement in our house.” Silence. “I realize that, but any psychologist would tell you that once a child has bonded to parental figures, it’s more traumatic to separate that bond than it is to work within it.” More silence. “Maybe you’re not hearing me. I said we’d be happy to work out visitation rights with the child’s grandmother … Yes, I know she lives in Oklahoma, but right now we’re Grace’s parents and that’s how it should stay even if …”

  Matt’s efforts went on that way until Jenny and Grace spilled through the front door, giggling and grinning from their day together. Jenny saw Hannah sitting on the floor crying and Matt on the phone.

  The smile faded from her face and her eyes grew wide.

  Matt got off the phone and they all listened as Grace rattled on in a happy singsong voice about the lunch out with Jenny, the shopping, and the fun time they had playing at a local park.

  Hannah had wiped her tears and smiled at Grace. “Sweetheart, why don’t you go to your room for a little bit and play with your baby doll. Mommy has to talk to Jenny.”

  Grace was oblivious to the mood in the room and she skipped off, blowing Hannah and Matt a kiss on her way. Before she left, she ran up to Jenny and kissed her on the cheek. “Can I tell you something, Jenny?”

  Jenny’s voice was pinched, and Hannah had the feeling her daughter somehow knew what was about to happen. “Sure, sweetie. Anything.”

  “You’re the best sister in the world.” Grace smiled big at her and threw her arms around Jenny’s neck. “I love you for always and always.”

  When Grace was out of earshot, Hannah stood and held open her arms. Jenny came to her, hugging her close while Matt stood beside them. “Honey, I’m so sorry to tell you this.”

  Hannah could feel the heavy thud of Jenny’s heartbeat and a wave of nausea swept over her. The entire scene reminded her of that awful day in the hospital room when Jenny regained consciousness after the accident. The day Hannah had to tell Jenny that she’d lost both her father and her older sister. This was different, of course … but it was every bit as painful and just as final.