Halfway to Forever

by Karen Kingsbury

  Jenny had pulled back, searching Hannah’s face. “What happened?”

  Normally Matt would have stepped up, put his hand on Jenny’s shoulder—something that would come across as a show of support … but he was drowning in his own pain. He said nothing as Hannah tried to explain.

  “Grace’s grandmother has turned up. The judge says Grace has to live with her. In Oklahoma.”

  Jenny stepped back, her face knotted in angry confusion. “What? They can’t do that! She belongs to us.”

  Hannah took careful hold of Jenny’s arm, bridging the distance between them. “She’s here on the foster-adopt program.” Hannah’s voice broke. “We all knew that.”

  Jenny backed out of Hannah’s grip. “But Mrs. Parsons said there were no doubts! Nothing that would stop her from being ours. She said the foster-adopt thing was a technicality, remember?”

  Neither Hannah nor Matt spoke.

  Jenny struggled to keep from yelling. “Can’t Matt do something about it? He’s a lawyer; they’ll listen to him.”

  “I tried.” Matt took a step closer to Jenny. “Grace’s grandma is fit enough to care for her. That’s all the courts care about. The law is clear. If an existing relative is suitable for guardianship, then that relative gets the child. There are no gray areas, Jenny. I’ve tried everything.”

  Jenny leaned forward and spread her fingers across her chest. “How can God let this happen to us twice?” She hesitated and Hannah could see tears on Jenny’s cheeks. “Twice?”

  Hannah blinked back a lake of tears. “God brought her to us, Jenny. He’ll get us through.” It was true—Hannah knew it with every fiber of her heart—but in that moment the words sounded trite and pat.

  Jenny’s mouth hung open and Hannah wasn’t sure if she was going to cry or scream. Instead she turned and ran to her bedroom.

  Hannah started after her, but stopped near the stairs. “Jenny …”

  The girl stopped and looked back at Hannah. “What?”

  “Don’t stay up there too long; Grace leaves tomorrow.”

  The evening had been an emotional roller coaster, one like Hannah had never experienced before. When Tom and Alicia died, none of them had seen it coming. There were no final meals or final bedtime talks or final goodnight kisses.

  That wasn’t the case this time, and as evening came, the finality was almost more than Hannah could bear. Hannah and Matt decided to wait until after dinner to tell Grace about her impending move to Oklahoma. And since Grace liked the beach better than any place at all, the three of them prepared a picnic dinner they could eat near the water. Before dinner Jenny joined them, and they filled the next two hours with as much joy and love and happiness as they possibly could.

  They ate Grace’s favorite meal—peanut butter sandwiches with raspberry jam, and chocolate chip cookies. Then they built a sandcastle on the shore and watched as the waves came closer and closer. A minute later they jumped back when a big wave came and washed the castle into the sea. Only Grace clapped with delight as it disappeared.

  It was all Hannah could do not to break down right there. The castle seemed to represent everything about their time with Grace. All that they’d spent months building. When Grace was gone, there would be nothing more to show for their time together than a hole in their hearts where once stood a beautiful castle.

  They held hands—all four of them—as they walked back home, and after Grace’s bath they gathered in her room and told her the devastating news.

  Hannah had agreed to do the talking. Matt and Jenny would stay close by, helping Grace know that this decision was not one they agreed with. That no matter what happened she would always be their little girl.

  “Grace?” Hannah sat on the child’s bed, her heart pounding in her throat. “We have something to tell you.”

  Grace was lying flat on her back and a quick smile came over her face. “You mean like a story?”

  Hannah’s eyes filled, blurring the image of Grace. “No, honey. Stories aren’t real. The thing I have to tell you now is real.”

  “Okay, what?” Grace’s fingers gripped the satin edge of her blanket on either side of her chin. “Tell me.”

  A light-headed feeling came over Hannah and she begged God for strength. And the right words, God … please. Something that will make the transition easier for Grace. She managed to grab a mouthful of air, and decided to start with the good news.

  “Grace, they found your grandma. She isn’t dead; she’s alive.”

  Grace scrunched up her face. “Mommy said she was dead.”

  Hannah cast a desperate glance at Matt and then turned her attention back to Grace. “Your mommy was wrong. Your grandma is alive and she’s coming to see you tomorrow.”

  Grace sat straight up and stared at Hannah. “My grandma’s coming tomorrow?”

  “Yes.” Hannah took hold of Grace’s hand. “In the morning.”

  “From Oklahoma?”

  Hannah had nodded, and her throat grew thick again. Grace was very bright for a four-year-old. She seemed to know more, retain more information than most children. Then again, Grace hadn’t ever had a childhood.

  At least not until she lived with them.

  Hannah steadied herself. “There’s something else.” She paused. “Your grandma wants you to go back to Oklahoma. She wants you to live with her.”

  Grace’s blonde eyebrows settled lower on her face. “You mean for a bacation?”

  “No, honey …” Behind her, Hannah could hear the sound of Jenny stifling her tears, and Matt came alongside her, slipping his arm over her shoulder. She focused on Grace once more. “I mean forever. Your grandma wants you to be her little girl.”

  Tears flooded Grace’s eyes. “In Oklahoma?”

  “Yes, baby. You’ll be moving to Oklahoma with her tomorrow.”

  “But …” The tears spilled onto her velvet-soft cheeks. “But will you come with me?”

  The child’s words sliced Hannah’s heart to ribbons. She had thought nothing could be more painful than Mrs. Parsons’s call earlier that day. She was wrong.

  Will you come with me …?

  Hannah bit her lower lip and found the strength to speak.

  “We can’t, honey. Our house is here. Your house will be in Oklahoma.” Hannah imagined how her answer must have sounded to Grace and she cringed. “Your grandma wants you all to herself.” Tears were tumbling down Grace’s cheeks, and Hannah cocked her head, desperate to ease the child’s sadness. “You love your grandma, right?”

  “Yes.” Grace’s chin quivered, and two soft sobs came from her throat. “But you’re my mommy and daddy and Jenny.” She looked around. “This is my room. And if my room is here then this is where I live. I wanna stay, Mommy. Please …”

  They were all crying now, tears coursing down Hannah’s, Matt’s, and Jenny’s faces alike. Hannah pulled Grace close and smoothed her hand over the child’s silky hair, hair that was so like Alicia’s at that age. Jenny crawled under the covers on the other side of Grace and Matt knelt up against the bed. They formed a group hug, each of them crying in soft whispers, desperately hanging on to the moment.

  Hannah could almost feel herself pushing against the hands of time, begging God for more hours, days. Whatever He might give them. As though by staying there at her side they might somehow avoid the good-bye ahead.

  But long after Grace had cried herself to sleep, time marched on, and that morning when the doorbell rang, her two large suitcases were packed and ready to go.

  Hannah had imagined Patsy Landers to be an older version of Grace’s mother, hard and mean, tarnished from years of drug abuse. The real Patsy couldn’t have been more different.

  Mrs. Parsons made the introductions. Jenny had taken Grace outside until the given signal, allowing the adults to discuss the matter away from her at first.

  When they were seated, Patsy turned to Hannah and spoke in a voice that trembled with emotion. “You have no idea how sorry I am about this.” She turned to Ma
tt. “I had no idea Grace had been placed in foster care. I’m afraid …” Her gaze fell to her lap for a moment. “I’m afraid my daughter told her I was dead.”

  The entire story spilled out, and by the time it was finished, Hannah knew that despite her limp, the woman was obviously capable of caring for Grace. Clearly she had wanted custody of the child long before this, but time and again had been refused by her daughter. What’s more, it seemed the woman was a believer, just as Grace had told them from the beginning. Hannah and Matt need not worry; this woman would keep Grace grounded in her faith.

  But the most obvious truth was this: Patsy Landers loved Grace with all her heart. And so there was no doubt in Hannah’s mind that the child’s move to Oklahoma was not only final, it was the right thing. Maybe not now, maybe not in the short term, while Grace was bound to miss them. But in the bigger picture. Grace would not know the love of parents the way she would have if she’d been allowed to stay, but she would have a woman who had known her all her life and loved her since birth. A woman who, like all of them, had been a victim of Leslie Landers’s drug addiction.

  When their discussion was over, Patsy thanked Hannah and Matt and promised to pray that God would bring another child into their lives soon. Jenny led Grace into the room after that, and now here they were. After months of learning to love a little girl they’d never known before, months of breaking through her silence and isolation and hurt, months of caring for her as though they’d have forever together, it was time to say good-bye.

  Patsy and Edna left through the back of the house and closed the door behind them. Hannah summoned all her strength to lift her head and kiss Grace on the forehead. “Your grandma is a very nice lady, Grace.”

  Jenny bit her lip, and Hannah knew she was trying to stop the tears that flowed from the corners of her eyes. Matt was utterly still, his chin resting on Grace’s head. Grace realized the finality of the moment and she, too, started to cry. “Come with me, Mommy, please …” Grace looked up and pressed her cheek against Hannah’s. “I don’t want to live in Oklahoma.”

  “But you love your grandma, Grace.” Hannah squeezed her eyes shut, wanting more than anything to tell the child she could stay. “This is the best plan for you now. Everyone thinks so.”

  “But I love you. You’re … you’re …” Hannah opened her eyes. Grace’s sobs were becoming too great for her to speak. She struggled for a long moment while Hannah and Matt stroked her back. “You’re my … family.”

  Jenny moved off the sofa and fell to her knees in front of Grace. “We’ll always be your family, honey. Always. Anytime you think of us, we’ll be right there.”

  Mrs. Parsons had advised that in situations where foster-adopt placements were disrupted, it was best not to maintain contact between the child and the foster parents. “Too much pain for everyone involved,” the social worker explained. “Complete severance will give Grace the best chance for a healthy adjustment.”

  Now Hannah wanted nothing more than to add to what Jenny was saying, to promise letters and pictures and phone calls. But she held her tongue, knowing that somehow Mrs. Parsons was right.

  Matt cleared his throat and tightened his grip on Grace’s slim shoulders. “In my heart, Grace, you’ll always be my little girl.” Hannah glanced at him through her tears and saw that he was silently weeping, crying as she’d never seen him cry before. He swallowed hard. “Will you remember that?”

  Grace clung to Matt and nodded her head against his chest. “Yes, Daddy. I’ll remember for always.”

  Matt pulled a delicate golden locket from his pocket and Hannah blinked so she could see. She had wondered when Matt was going to give Grace the present they picked out for her. “Here.” Matt opened the clasp and fitted it gently around Grace’s neck. He opened the locket and exposed a small picture of the four of them—Matt, Hannah, Jenny, and Grace. Matt cleared his throat. “This is for you. So you don’t forget.”

  Grace’s eyes grew wide and she stared at the picture. “Oh, thank you Daddy. I never had a necklace of my very own.” She looked at Hannah and Jenny. “I’ll wear it every day forever and ever.”

  Their thirty minutes passed in a blur, and the women returned. Mrs. Parsons cast a sad, questioning look at Hannah. “Ready?”

  Ready? Hannah almost laughed out loud. How would they ever be ready to tell Grace good-bye? To watch her walk out of their home and their hearts forever? Hannah shook her head and shrugged. “I guess.”

  Mrs. Parsons explained that she would carry Grace’s bags to the car and then they’d need to leave. Grace and her grandmother had a flight to catch. Once she was gone with the suitcases, the rest of them followed and stood near the car. Matt swept Grace onto his hip and wiggled his nose against hers. “Don’t forget us, okay?”

  Grace tilted her face so her eyebrows met up with Matt’s. “Okay.”

  Matt handed her to Hannah then, and though she tried to be strong, a sob sounded from her throat. “Oh, Gracie, I love you, honey. I love you.”

  While she was in Hannah’s arms, Jenny snuggled her face against Grace’s and kissed her cheek. The words she whispered were for Grace’s ears alone, but Hannah heard them. “I never had a little sister before. And you’ll always be mine.”

  Huge tears swam in Grace’s eyes again and she whispered in a choked voice, “Me, too.”

  Finally, Patsy came forward. “Thank you.” She put her arms around the group of them. “I’ll always be grateful for everything you’ve done for Grace. And like I said, I’ll pray that God fills your home quickly.”

  Hannah and Matt and Jenny clung to each other as Patsy took Grace and walked her to the car where Mrs. Parsons was waiting. They said one last good-bye while Grace sobbed, begging them to come. The three of them stood there, linked together long after the car had driven out of sight.

  The pain was crippling, and Hannah could tell from the steady flow of tears that it was the same for Matt and Jenny. For a long while none of them spoke; then in a voice quiet and strong, despite his wet face and the depth of sadness in his eyes, Matt began to sing.

  “Jesus loves me! This I know, for the Bible tells me so …”

  Hannah closed her eyes and let the words wash over her. Grace’s favorite song … the one Hannah had taught her on their walks along the beach. The one Matt had hummed along with her when they cuddled at night.

  Despite the vast desert of hurt in her heart, Hannah couldn’t help but feel comforted by the very real presence of God; she felt it hovering over them as they stood together there in the driveway. And before Hannah could find the strength to sing, the Lord gave her one more reason to believe they’d survive.

  Jenny was singing, too.

  Her voice joined Matt’s as the quiet song built among them. When they reached the part about God being strong even when children were small and weak, Hannah’s throat grew thick. It was true, and Hannah pulled in tighter to the two people she loved most in life. If it was true when times were good, when life was easy and unfettered, it was true now when the darkness seemed blacker than night. Hannah opened her mouth and somehow, despite the emotions lodged in her throat, the words began to flow, the sound of her voice mixing with the others.

  Yes, Jesus loved them. He loved them and He loved Grace. If the Bible told them anything, it told them that. Hannah could feel herself growing stronger as the song continued. “Yes, Jesus loves me … Yes, Jesus loves me … Yes, Jesus loves me … the Bible tells me so.”

  When they were finished singing, Matt prayed. “Lord, only You could fathom the ache in our hearts this morning, the greatness of loss over saying good-bye …” His voice cracked and again they pulled closer to each other. “Saying good-bye to Grace. But Lord, give us open hearts and open minds. Though we cannot imagine a different little girl in our lives, if there be one out there who needs us, bring her our way. Please, Lord.” He hesitated then, and Hannah knew he was trying to compose himself. “And please take good care of our little Gracie.”

 
; It wasn’t until they were back in the house that Jenny turned to them, her eyes intent, serious. “I know what Grace’s grandmother meant, and I understand your prayer, Matt.” She looked at Hannah. “But I want you to know something. You can bring another little girl into this house and raise her. But that’s the last time I let myself fall in love with a sister.” Fresh tears fell from her eyes. “Losing one sister was hard enough. Now …” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, I … I won’t do it again. Not unless God answers my questions.”

  Hannah and Matt watched her go; then they came together, embracing each other like two children who’d long since lost their way and had no idea where to turn next.

  Though the song they’d sung minutes earlier still rang in Hannah’s heart, though she knew God’s promises were true and that somehow they’d survive, she couldn’t help but ask herself the same question that had to be troubling Jenny.

  Why, after all they’d been through, had God let such loss happen again?

  Sixteen

  Tanner was gone. Again.

  He would have a good excuse. He always did. Over the past few weeks he’d given her dozens of excuses, but the bottom line Jade knew was this: If she was dying of cancer, he didn’t want to be around to see it happen. The whole thing was too much for him; the wasting away of her energy and health and even her life was too difficult to watch. And so he had tuned out in every way that mattered.

  Emotionally, spiritually, and most of all physically.

  He hadn’t meant to hurt her; Jade believed that with all her heart. But it hurt all the same, there was no denying the fact. His absence had pockmarked Jade’s heart with a loneliness and sorrow she hadn’t imagined possible.

  After taking the trip to Colorado, Tanner had made a brief effort to spend more time with her. But now Jade hardly ever saw him. She was lonely and afraid and she ached for him whenever she was awake. She missed him more than at any other time in her life, even the years when they’d been apart.