Halfway to Forever

by Karen Kingsbury

  Leslie wasn’t excited about the idea of writing letters, but if that’s what it took, she would do it. Her mother probably loved the fact that she had Grace now. Probably figured she was being given another chance at raising a child, since she’d blown it so completely with Leslie.

  She grabbed a piece of paper from a pile beneath her bunk. Her mother had been a terrible excuse for a parent. Busy all the time and spewing Bible verses as though they might make up for the lack of time they had together.

  Leslie gritted her teeth and stared at the blank sheet of paper. No wonder she’d turned to drugs. At least those friends wanted to spend time with her. She grabbed a pencil from beneath her foam mattress and began to write.

  Dear Mother,

  Things are going good here. My attorney says I will be out in less than a year. At that time I will come to Bartlesville and take over custody of Grace. I know you think she belongs with you, but my attorney says that isn’t true. She’s my daughter; I can raise her.

  Leslie tapped the pencil on the paper and thought about what else to say. She put her pencil to the paper again.

  Please let Grace know about my choice. I’ll be out very soon.

  Leslie hesitated for a minute and smiled, her heart pinched with hate.

  Besides, I’ve thought of a way we can make enough money to survive. I know we’ll never go hungry. Kiss her for me. Leslie.

  Twenty-Five

  The moment had finally arrived, and Jade was neither anxious nor afraid.

  A strong Santa Ana wind rattled through the canyons, and before daybreak, Jade and Tanner gathered in Ty’s bedroom and prayed. Jenny Bronzan was meeting them at the hospital, where she would spend the day hanging out with Ty.

  Jade settled on the edge of Ty’s bed and watched him slip a sweatshirt over his head. “Now remember, the whole time you’re having little Maddie—” Ty’s voice was muffled until his head poked through the hole—“I’ll be praying for you. The whole time.”

  “Okay.” A surreal calm had come over Jade days ago and now, on October 7, it was still in place. “I’ll remember.”

  “And the minute she’s born, you’ll tell her what I told you, right?”

  Jade stared up at the ceiling and rattled off the words she’d long since memorized. “ ‘Welcome to our family, Maddie. You have the best big brother in the world.’ ”

  “Yes!” Ty pumped his fist. “I can’t wait to be a big brother.”

  Tanner poked Ty in the ribs and gave him a partial grin. “It won’t happen unless we take this show down to the hospital.”

  The three of them formed a circle, Jade still sitting on the bed. Tanner drew a steadying breath and began to speak. “Lord, this is it, the day we’ve been waiting for. Father, You know all things, even down to the timing of Madison’s birth.” He paused, and Jade could hear the concern in his voice. “Please, God, keep Your hand on Jade and Maddie. Help them come through the operation healthy and strong, and please, Lord, bring them both home soon. We trust You … we thank You ahead of time.”

  The sun was just peeking over the horizon as they gathered Jade’s things and loaded the car. They needed to be at the hospital by seven o’clock, and Jade knew Tanner didn’t want to be late. In the myriad of emotions they’d experienced in the months since Jade’s diagnosis, they’d done a role reversal once again.

  There was no question that, at first, the news of Brandy’s death set Jade back, set her and Tanner both back. But after a few days of deep prayer, times when only clinging to Scriptures pulled her through, she had somehow emerged clothed in peace.

  Tanner was the anxious one now, but this time he shared his feelings with her. Even last night, hours before they would leave for the hospital, he admitted the depth of his fear.

  They’d been in bed, and Jade was quiet, praying silently as she fell asleep. Next to her, Tanner was a study in motion. He tossed and turned from his left side to his right and back again. Finally, Jade leaned up on one elbow and whispered in his direction. “What’s wrong, Tanner? Talk to me.”

  He rolled onto his back and an anxious sigh slipped through his lips. “I’m sorry, Jade. I didn’t mean to keep you up.”

  She laid her head down on his bare chest. “Talk to me. What’s on your heart?”

  For the first time in an hour, Tanner was still. He pounded his fist into the mattress between them and groaned. “I want to grab the alarm clock and smash it against the wall. Every time the hands move, I feel that much closer to tomorrow.”

  Jade touched his face. “Is that a bad thing?” She was careful not to sound condescending or unnaturally optimistic. “Our baby’s going to be born tomorrow.”

  “But there are risks, Jade. You and I both know it.” His body relaxed beside her. “Assuming you get through the delivery okay, there’s the baby to worry about. She’s still so small.”

  “I know.”

  “And then we’ll have maybe a day before they assault your body with the worst kind of chemicals known to man. The thought of it kills me, Jade. It kills me.”

  She leaned over and kissed him, silencing his fears and smoothing her thumb along his eyebrows. “You’re beautiful, do you know that?”

  “What if …” His whispered voice was choked with concern. “What if something happens?” He hesitated, searching her face. “I couldn’t live without you.”

  She prayed for the right words. “Remember a long time ago in Kelso, when I didn’t think God would ever love me, didn’t feel I belonged in a church? Remember the Scripture you gave me back then?”

  The anxiety in Tanner’s expression eased some. “Yes.”

  “ ‘ “know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ’ ”

  “Right.”

  She searched his eyes. “Believe it, Tanner. Believe it now just like you believed it then. God has a plan for us. For me and little Madison and you and Ty. His plans are perfect.” She kissed him again. “You don’t have to be afraid.”

  A single tear slid down his face and he nodded, easing her head back down to his chest. “Don’t leave me, Jade.”

  “Never, Tanner. Never ever.”

  After that they slept … but now that they were driving to the hospital, Jade could see the tension in the flex of her husband’s jaw, feel it in his lack of conversation. He believed, of course. God had brought them back together, after all. But they both knew there were no guarantees that this time God’s plans would be the ones they hoped for.

  They met Jenny at the hospital, and she produced a bag holding milk and a muffin for Ty. “Looks like we get a day together, huh?”

  Ty nodded. He wasn’t as chipper as he’d been earlier that morning—probably because of the tension he sensed from Tanner—but so far he hadn’t cried, and Jade was glad. Glad that he’d been busy in this season of her illness, glad that he didn’t fully comprehend the risks or the hard road that lay ahead.

  Jade was in her wheelchair, but she hugged Jenny around her waist. “Thanks for being here.”

  Jenny gave a half smile and squeezed her hand. “Mom and Matt will be here later. Before the baby’s born.”

  “I can’t believe it’s already time.”

  “Mrs. Eastman—” Jenny met her gaze, and Jade saw that the girl’s eyes were wet—“We’re all praying for you. All of us.”

  “I know.” Jade pulled away and reached up for Tanner’s hand. “We feel it.”

  They followed Jade to a private room where she could wait with them until it was time for the delivery. Tanner would stay with Jade in the operating room, but Ty and Jenny would have to wait down the hall.

  After a while a nurse came in and announced it was time. Jenny left the rest of them alone, and Ty came to Jade’s side. “I love you, Mom.”

  “Love you, too, buddy.”

  “Talk to you in a little while, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  She kissed him on the cheek and smi
led, determined not to cry, determined that this would be a happy moment for their family. God knew there would be plenty of harder moments ahead.

  Ty left, and the nurse wheeled Jade down the hall with Tanner at her side. They situated Jade on an operating table and gave her an epidural, all the while watching her vital signs, looking hard for clues that her body might be shutting down or seizing.

  Jade felt only an occasional prod and poke until, at 7:23 that morning, the doctor lifted Madison Jade Eastman for Jade and Tanner to see. “Congratulations!” The doctor beamed. “She’s a beauty.”

  Through teary eyes, Jade stared at their tiny, fighting-mad daughter, and then at Tanner. “She’s here.” A relieved ripple of laughter came from her throat. “Can you believe it?”

  Tanner was crying without any sound, as though a leak had sprung on either side of his face. He smiled bigger than she’d seen in months; then he turned to Madison, her arms flailing as she spouted soft baby cries of protest. “It’s unbelievable, Jade. I can’t believe this feeling.” He raised both fists and stared toward heaven. “I have a daughter!”

  Madison’s cries grew more lusty in response, and Tanner laughed. “Her lungs are healthy.” He grinned at Jade, and she tried to imagine which was better—seeing Madison for the first time, or seeing Tanner so happy. He lowered his voice and stared at their newborn daughter, his eyes dancing. “She’s perfect, Jade. Absolutely perfect.”

  Tanner hovered near the doctor as Madison was passed to a nurse, cleaned up, weighed, and wrapped in a blanket. “Four pounds, two ounces,” the doctor announced. “Bigger than we expected.”

  Jade closed her eyes for the briefest moment, overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank You, God. Whatever happens after this, thank You … She opened her eyes in time to see the nurse hand Madison to Tanner.

  “Okay, little girl, go to Daddy.”

  Tanner took her in his arms, holding her like a priceless piece of china. The minute his arms were around her, Madison stopped crying and squinted at the fluorescent lights. “That’s right, sweetheart. No more tears. You’re with Daddy now.” He cooed at her. “You’re the most beautiful baby in the world, little Maddie.”

  “I knew it!” Jade giggled. “A true daddy’s girl; love at first sight.” She was tired, and her words slurred, but nothing could have dimmed the happiness bursting within her.

  Jade studied her husband and daughter, and for the flash of an instant she wondered if she would live long enough for their baby girl to know her. The thought didn’t dredge up sorrow in her as it might have a week ago. Because Jade knew that if all Maddie had was the love of a father like Tanner, she’d never want for anything.

  Fresh tears came, but Jade blinked them back. She didn’t want anything to blur the image of Tanner and their newborn daughter. Madison looked lost in Tanner’s muscled arms as he cradled her against his body and carried her to Jade. He leaned down and nuzzled his face near hers, with Madison snuggled between them.

  “Everything’s going to be okay, Jade,” he whispered. “I can feel it.”

  She wanted to say something, but her throat was too thick for words to pass. Instead, she nodded and ran her finger lightly over Madison’s silky dark hair.

  “Time for the incubator.” A nurse came up behind Tanner and held out her hands. “We don’t want her to get too cold.”

  Reluctantly, Tanner eased their daughter into the nurse’s arms. When she was gone, Tanner spoke in a soft voice near Jade’s ear. “You see it, don’t you?”

  “What?” She brushed her cheek against his.

  “She looks just like you.”

  Jade smiled and settled back against the operating table. She had been thinking the same thing. There were few pictures of her as a child, but the box of belongings she took from her father’s house included one baby photo. There was no question that Madison looked like a small version of her. “I think you’re right.”

  “I know so.” He kissed her cheek. “She’ll be a knockout.”

  Jade was quiet for a moment. There was something she’d wanted to tell Tanner, but the timing had never been good, especially this past week when Tanner had been so fearful of the looming delivery date. “You brought the video camera, right?”

  “Right. I’ll take pictures when I visit her down the hall.”

  “Keep it here, okay? In the room. I have something I want you to do tomorrow.”

  Tanner didn’t seem concerned with her request. He was too taken with the giddy reality of witnessing Madison’s birth and the fact that Jade had come through the surgery so well. “Whatever you want, honey. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for you.”

  Jade was still strapped to the operating table, the doctor working to stitch her closed. Despite the IV tubing, she managed to drape her arm around his neck. “There’s only one thing I really want.”

  He brought his face up against hers. “The video camera?”

  She shook her head.

  “Pickles and ice cream?”

  Her laughter rang through the room. He’d teased her throughout her pregnancy about the fact that she never had cravings. “No, silly. Not that.”

  His face grew serious and he framed her cheeks with his fingertips, kissing her in a way that needed no words. “What then? Anything …”

  “You, Tanner.” She whispered her answer straight to his heart. “Always only you.”

  It had been four days, but still Hannah thought of the baby boy with every passing hour. Where was he and who would raise him? Would they teach him to love Jesus? God had heard the prayers she’d prayed over him, that much was certain. Even if they were the only prayers ever said for the boy, somehow she knew God would answer.

  But still she wondered. Because in their short time together, the baby had left an indelible mark on her heart. She’d told Matt about him over dinner that night, how he’d looked into her eyes and how she’d fed him and sang to him, prayed over him for more than an hour.

  “If I could have, I would have brought him home then and there, Matt. I’m sure of it. He felt like my child.”

  “I wish I could have seen him.”

  “So you’d be okay with a boy? One day down the road, I mean?”

  “I only want a child, Hannah. Whatever child the Lord gives us.” Matt cocked his head. “What happens to the baby now?”

  “He’s in short-term care until his relatives can be notified. I’m sure someone in his family will take him.”

  In the days since then, Hannah had tried to push thoughts of the boy aside. She even wondered if she was dwelling on him as a way of letting go of Grace. Whatever it was, the feel of him in her arms, cradled against her chest, was not something that was fading with time.

  Now it was Monday morning, and she and Matt had planned to be at the hospital by seven. Instead, she’d burned the oatmeal, and by the time the two of them had cleaned the mess, they were running late. Hannah was sitting at the kitchen table putting on lipstick and Matt was washing the breakfast dishes when the phone rang.

  He dried his hands on his jeans and grabbed the receiver. “Hello?” He cradled it against his shoulder as Hannah threw him a dish towel from the table. “Okay.” Matt winked at her. “Just a minute.”

  “Salesman …” He mouthed the word and handed her the phone.

  “Thanks.” Hannah pointed to the clock. She kept her hand over the mouthpiece. “We have a baby to meet.”

  “Sorry.” Matt shrugged and chuckled. “They asked for you.”

  Hannah brought the phone to her ear and dropped the whisper. “Hello?”

  “Mrs. Bronzan, I’m sorry to call so early. This is Edna Parsons at Social Services.”

  The floor fell away beneath her. Why on earth was the woman calling now? To give them an update on a little girl they’d never see again? To offer more false promises? Hannah clenched her teeth. It did no good to be bitter now. “Yes, Mrs. Parsons.” She motioned for Matt to join her. “What can we do for you
?”

  Hannah heard the woman draw a deep breath. “First, I want you to know that what happened with Grace was … well, it was devastating for me.” She hesitated. “It was the first time in my career that anything like that took place, where a birth mother lied about her existing family members. It’s changed the way I handle cases.”

  Matt pulled up a chair and sat across from Hannah, his eyebrows lowered. A streak of regret pierced the walls around Hannah’s heart. Maybe her thoughts about the social worker had been too harsh. “It was hard for all of us.”

  “Anyway, that’s not why I called.”

  “Okay, what’s up?” A part of her didn’t want to know, didn’t want to hear about another child who would almost certainly, positively, practically, for sure be theirs if only they were willing to ride out the process. She held her breath and waited.

  “We have a healthy baby boy, an infant. He’s been cleared for adoption, Mrs. Bronzan. No foster care involved. You’re the first person I’ve called.”

  Hannah could feel the blood draining from her face. A healthy baby boy? Could it be …

  It wasn’t possible.

  The woman couldn’t be talking about the baby from the hospital the other day, the little boy who had grabbed so tightly hold of her heart and held it every day since?

  Hannah closed her eyes and reached for Matt’s hand, her grip on the phone tighter than before. There was no way it could be the same child. Thousand Oaks had become a big city, and besides, Mrs. Parsons worked with families from all over Ventura County.

  She blinked back tears and ordered herself to be calm. Mrs. Parsons was waiting for an answer. “What … what do you know about him?”

  “Well … he’s six weeks old and very healthy. His mother’s name was Milly Wheeler; she was a teenage runaway from San Francisco …”

  Hannah squeezed Matt’s hand while Mrs. Parsons continued.