Love So Deep

by Kathleen Ball

  “Don’t ya think you’ve stirred things up enough for one day?” He cocked his left brow as he gazed at her.

  “I am a decent, God fearing woman. I am very grateful for the roof over my head and for the food to eat. I’m grateful to be warm when it’s so cold outside.” She decided he wasn’t moving so she bent over and as she reached for the pot, her breast touched his knee. He jerked out of her way, sending her flying onto her backside. She blinked a few times before she looked up at him. Her stomach was in knots and her heart felt heavier.

  “Why did ya touch me like that?” He sounded offended, angry even.

  “It wasn’t on purpose. Somehow we’ve gotten onto the wrong path.”

  He nodded. “We have. I know better than to become friends with white people. Don’t worry, I won’t kick ya out.” He offered his hand and when she put her small hand in his he pulled her up. He stared into her eyes and she didn’t know where else to look. Her hurt finally took over and she turned away.

  “Oh, here.” She turned back and handed him the spoon. “You need to stir the food.”

  He stood there unmoving for a moment before he nodded. She wasn’t sure what they were both about. Were they even talking to each other? He clearly wouldn’t have her here if there were another place for her to stay.

  Getting out the ingredients to make biscuits, she wondered about Brian. What had he meant about Patrick peeking at her? She hoped he wasn’t trying to get his own way by suggesting marriage. It looked as though he might have picked up some of Solomon’s bad ways. She hoped not.

  She heard Brian murmuring to Patrick. “I hate it when you fight. I’m going to have to go to an orphanage if you don’t stop.”

  She couldn’t hear Patrick’s reply, but the loud shuffling of Brian’s feet as he made his way to sit on the bed was not a good indication of a happy outcome. There was no rule she and Patrick had to like one another. She just worked for her keep and that was that. It hurt though, everyone always jumped to the wrong conclusion about her. Where was the benefit of the doubt? The people on the wagon train certainly didn’t give it to her and now Patrick acted as though she was some hussy. Did she look and act like one?

  “I’m hungry.”

  She gave Brian a smile. “You’re always hungry.”

  He nodded. “True, but I didn’t always have food.”

  He knew how to worm his way into her heart and it wasn’t a bad thing. It would hurt when they had to part in the spring, but spring was a ways away.

  Patrick couldn’t wait until the evening meal was over. He’d had all he could take of reining in his temper. Why did women always think marriage was a good thing? It hadn’t been good for his mother and no self-respecting white woman would ever allow her breast to brush against him. Just what did she expect from him? Brian he had all figured out. The child was scared and he wanted them to be a family.

  It hurt to have to say no, but there would be consequences if he tried to be that boy’s father. Dire consequences. He’d learned his lesson long ago not to mix with whites. There was only punishment meted out when he did. The last time nearly killed him. No, he was better off alone and they were safer if they weren’t connected to him. The people of the town were a law unto themselves and he didn’t wish that on anyone.

  He stroked Ahern’s neck. “Remember when it was just ya and me? It was good, wasn’t it? We liked the quiet and being alone was just fine.”

  Ahern head butted him. “I know they are growing on me too but they’ll be leaving and I don’t want to have to suffer the loneliness again. It took me too long to get used to being alone last time.” He made sure Ahern was all settled for the night. Maybe they would have an early spring. He hadn’t been with a woman in years and it was making him edgy. There was no way he could be attracted to that porcelain doll inside.

  He took off his hat, slapped it against his thigh and ran his fingers through his hair. She wasn’t a porcelain doll and she’d proven it over and over. He had no call to be upset with her. Truth be told his own desires were turning him into a grizzly. Shaking his head, he winced remembering the hurt in Samantha’s eyes, and he’d put it there. Now what? What was he supposed to do now? He wasn’t good with people.

  He heard her footsteps on the crunchy snow and he didn’t turn around.

  “Patrick?” Her voice sounded wobbly.

  He crumpled his hat with his hand, and then took a deep breath. Slowly he turned with his expression blank. “Did ya want something?”

  Her eyes stood out, big and wide on her pale face. “I never, I didn’t. Oh darn, what I’m trying to say is I’m not trying to get you to marry me or anything else. If you knew me at all, you’d know better. Perhaps it would be better if I went to live in the cabin where Solomon stayed. Somehow, I’ve chased you out of your own house and it’s not right. You’ve been nothing but gracious and I…”

  He was a heel and he didn’t know how to make things right. “I want ya to stay.”

  “You have the biggest frown on your face, Patrick. You are not a very good liar. I’ll be fine. I know how to chop wood and it should be nice and cozy.” She clasped and unclasped her reddened hands.

  He strode toward her and took her hands in his. “Ya don’t even know to keep your hands warm.” The gruffness of his voice surprised him.

  “I can’t stay, Patrick. Your opinion of me is unbearable. I don’t think I can stand to look at you every day. I’m sure you feel the same about me.”

  He rubbed her hands with his. There was something between them. He felt it every time she was near. He wanted to kiss away her sorrow but he didn’t dare. Dropping her hands, he gave her a sad smile. “We’ll have to put up with each other until spring. Winter in these mountains has claimed too many lives.” His heart dropped as she blinked a few times before she gave him a curt nod. She pulled her hands away and took a giant step back, away from him.

  “You’re right. These mountains are harsh. I was just trying to make it easier for you and I agree we can put up with each other. Good night.” There were tears forming as she turned from him.

  “Damn!” His heart cried out for him to stop her and pull her into his arms but his head knew better. “Damn,” he whispered into the night.

  He waited until the lamp in the house turned down before he went inside. A sigh of relief passed over his chilled lips. They were both in bed, and he wouldn’t have to talk to either of them. He got his bed in front of the fire ready and lay down. Life wasn’t fair and he’d learned over and over again just how unfair it could be but it never hurt this much before. Nothing felt right, especially his bed. The floor felt harder than usual and he could hear Samantha tossing and turning. It was his fault she wasn’t sleeping. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore and he got up and went to the side of the bed. “Do ya want to talk?”

  Most of her hair had escaped from her usual braid and stood in all directions. “Yes.” She quickly and quietly got out of bed and joined him in front of the fireplace.

  “I haven’t been very nice to ya lately and I’m sorry. I told ya a little about my childhood but I didn’t tell ya about Maeve.” He stood up and started making tea. Once he had it on the fire, he sat back down. “We started out as fishing buddies. Her parents didn’t care where she was as long as she didn’t bother them. Her father couldn’t keep a job and it wasn’t a happy place for her. We understood each other. We were the children the other parents didn’t want their children to play with.” He paused as happy memories of her replaced the hate in his heart.

  “We grew into young adults and planned to be married. I really should have known better but I was too foolish to think of the consequences. I guess it was fine as long as we were street urchins, but our friendship wasn’t approved of when we grew into adults. I did know there would be a few busybodies who might stand in our way. After all we lived in their town.”

  Samantha laid her hand on his arm and it warmed him. He was afraid he’d see pity but he saw understanding instead.

/>   “There was a barn dance and I asked her to go with me. She thought it a bad idea but I wanted to stand up for us. I wanted the same respect everyone got. We didn’t have good clothes to wear, but I picked flowers for her hair. She had chestnut hair and green eyes. Her eyes sparkled in excitement as I escorted her toward the dance. At first people didn’t notice us and I was fine with it. Maeve began to grow apprehensive and she wanted to leave. I guess she felt the shifting of the crowd’s mood. I dragged her onto the dance floor and we were instantly grabbed, both from behind.”

  He took a long sip of his coffee and shook his head. “I was taken out back and beat half to death. Maeve, well Maeve refused to tell me what happened to her, but she had bruises on her I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I could hardly walk but I made it to her house. Not only did she refrain from talking about it, she told me to go away and never come back. I told her she’d feel differently in a day or two but she said she could no longer be associated with a ‘dirty Indian’.”

  “Oh, Patrick.” She squeezed his arm and he gently covered her hand with his.

  “There was nothing for me in town any longer. I swallowed my pride and tried to see Maeve a couple more times but she refused to see me. I didn’t have money or a horse. I took my clothes and rifle and lit out. It was fall and I like ya ended up lost in the snow.”

  “You’re here now.” Her gentle voice soothed him.

  “Yes thanks to a trapper named Otter. He found me same as I found ya. I wintered with him and he taught me everything I needed to know to survive. We trapped together for a year then he told me I had made enough on the pelts, I needed to make my own way.”

  “How long ago was that?”

  “I’ve been on my own for about ten years now.”

  “And I’m an intrusion. I do appreciate all you’ve done for me. I’m not sure how to act around you. I’m a woman of good moral character and if I did or said… I don’t know. Is it the way I look? Is there something about me that has people believing the worst? The women on the wagon train thought I’d try to entice their husbands and you—well you think I’m trying to tempt you. Violet Flower saw the same flaw in me and for the love of God I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” Her eyes grew wide as she stared into his, as though searching for an answer. He did this, he’d made her distraught.

  “I don’t know about the wagon train except maybe you’re too pretty. Same with Violet Flower, she seemed to think of ya as competition.”

  She took her hand off his arm and wrapped her arms around her middle. “And you? I’m not buying the pretty thing. I’m plain and I know it. But even if they thought I was pretty, it doesn’t explain your actions.” Her voice grew hoarse as she dropped her gaze to the floor.

  “Ya are pretty, beautiful actually, and the fact ya don’t know it is endearing. Ya are a hard worker, ya roll with the hardest punches and ya have a big heart. I have the problem. Don’t ya see? I refuse to go near another white woman again. It’s not allowed. There is no way a judge would allow me to raise Brian. I’d only cause ya pain and misery and it would hurt too much when ya left.” He closed his eyes, leaned his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands.

  “So, you don’t really hate me?”

  “No, sweetheart, I don’t, but I’m not going to love ya either.” Something broke inside him as he said the words. It was final.

  “I’ll just let you go to sleep, Patrick. I understand, really I do and I wouldn’t want to be the cause of your pain.”

  He watched as she padded across the room and got into bed. He knew he should do the same but he wouldn’t sleep. He was mourning the death of dreams. Somehow, he thought he was done with such feelings but here they were stabbing his heart in the worst possible way.

  He finally lay in front of the fire watching the multicolored flames, enjoying the cracking and popping of the wood. Eventually, he fell asleep.

  The next morning Samantha finished washing up the breakfast dishes. While it was a relief to know it wasn’t something she did, she took no comfort in it. Patrick’s sad story pained her, and his actions were understandable. She grabbed a cloth and carefully lifted the coffee from the fire.

  “I still don’t know why I can’t drink coffee. I’m practically a man.” Brian wore his mulish expression.

  “I have tea made too. It’s not good for a young person to drink coffee.”

  “How would you know? I used to drink it all the time and I think I should know what’s good for me and what’s not.” He crossed his arms over his chest and jutted out his bottom lip.

  “I’m the adult and I know what’s best.”

  “Sure you know. You were the one who got thrown off a wagon train and went traipsing through the woods. You were a meal for bears. Besides, you can’t tell me what to do. I’m going to stay here and live with Patrick. You’ll be leaving soon enough.”

  A slap to the face would have felt better than his disrespect. Somehow, she’d thought they’d formed a bond together. She was wrong.

  “From the look of the sky I doubt anyone will be going anywhere soon.” Patrick came inside with two buckets filled with snow.

  Her face heated. He must have heard their conversation. She grabbed one of her stockings, sat in a chair and began to look for all the holes. Violet Flower had fashioned a needle out of a piece of bone and she hoped to mend the garment.

  “She won’t let me have coffee. I’ve had enough of being treated like a child. I’ve done a man’s work for a few years now.” Brian gave her a sour look, and then stared at Patrick, probably waiting for him to agree.

  Patrick put the buckets by the fire and sat in the other chair. “All three of us come from different backgrounds. I grew up dirt poor, ya were made to grow up too fast and Samantha here probably knows what’s right and wrong better than we do. Yelling at her isn’t going to help.”

  “So I can have coffee?”

  “I’ll have to talk it over with Samantha. It wouldn’t do to go against her wishes if she has good reason.”

  “I don’t understand why she gets a say anyway. I’m staying with ya. I’m not going to live in town with that woman.”

  Her eyes grew wide and her heart pained her. “You’re right Brian, I can’t make you do anything. I’m not your ma or guardian. I thought we were at least friends but I have a lot to learn.”

  “Like you snore like a horse all night long.”

  “Brian, that’s enough.”

  “But she does.” Brian smiled.

  Without a word, she stood, bundled up and went outside. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. How she wished her parents had never tried to go west. She scanned the sky and frowned at the plethora of dark clouds. Patrick was right. They were in for a storm. The wind began to pick up. She quickly used the necessary and went into the barn. It was too soon to go into the house.

  A lone tear trailed down her face. All she wanted was a place to call home, surrounded by people who cared for her. Brian’s true feelings were a surprising blow. Had the closeness and love she felt between them all been a farce? It was just as well he planned to stay with Patrick.

  She laid a horse blanket on a bale of hay and curled up on it. She could roll with the punches. Patrick didn’t know what he was talking about. She wasn’t the type to take things in stride. Life wasn’t easy for her. She wished she could just tell herself Brian didn’t mean what he said but there was a gleam in his eye and he meant to hurt her.

  She heard the crunch of snow under his feet and she quickly stood. Patrick was a good-looking man and she wished things could be different between them. “I’m going back in. You didn’t have to come get me.” Her voice was low and soft.

  “I figured ya were probably getting cold out here.”

  Swallowing hard, she nodded, staring at her feet. If she looked up, he’d know she’d been crying and she was certain she wasn’t done. “I’m fine. Go on in and I’ll follow in a bit.”

  Patrick put his finger under her chin
and lifted it until they stared into each other’s eyes. She must have looked bad because he winced. He cupped her cheek in his calloused hand and stroked her cheekbone with his thumb.

  “Brian is just a child. He didn’t mean what he said.”

  Tears started to fall. “He meant it. I thought we were close, but the truth of it is he wants to have his own way or he pushes me away. There is no hesitation or regret in his eyes ever. It’s my fault really. I let him into my heart and now it feels shattered.”

  “He doesn’t know what he wants. He’s not used to a kindhearted woman like ya. He has natural defenses to keep himself from getting too hurt. It was probably the only way he survived being with Solomon.” He wiped her tears with the pad of his thumb.

  “Sometimes I feel so alone and empty and it scares me. I have no family, I have no one. I’ll survive, I’m not worried about that. It’s the uncertainty of my future, the loss of my parents and I thought Brian had bonded with me. It was probably just dreaming on my part. I suppose I’m a bit touched in the head. God has forgotten about me and I’m scared.”

  “From what I know of God, he never forgets, he just answers in his own time.” He smiled. “Don’t look so surprised. My father was a good Catholic and he made sure I knew the word of God. I resented it at the time but believing in God is what I hold onto when I don’t think I can go on.”

  He certainly was a complicated man. She really didn’t know much about him at all. He believed in God and she hadn’t known it. He was a good man and it was enough. His closeness made her heart pound and she wished with everything in her it would stop. The fact she loved him made her feel emptier. Patrick would not love her back. “Thank you for coming out here.” She gently lifted his hands off her face and stepped back. “You’re right, it is cold.” She walked around him and out of the barn. What she needed to do was get herself together. There was nowhere to hide her feelings and she didn’t want their pity. He was right behind her. She could feel the warmth of his body as she hesitated to open the door.