Outcome

by Kim Pritekel

  Picking myself up, I headed to the kitchen for some water, catching the phone out of the corner of my eye as I drank. I wanted to call my mom, needed to talk to her, needed to be comforted as I couldn’t comfort Erin.

  I put the empty glass in the sink, and grabbed the phone, dialing those seven numbers that I’d known my whole life. My eyes closed in disappointment as the busy signal blared in my ear. Hanging the handset up, I headed into the bedroom. Maybe I could sleep it off.

  Stripping, I threw the covers to the end of the bed, hot and sweaty from my workout. I lay down, staring up at the ceiling, the headlights from a passing car displacing shadows across it, then disappearing all together. I closed my eyes, praying for sleep to take me over.

  Dreams plagued me, images of pain and sadness until finally I woke, a scream caught in my throat, my heart racing, breathing out of control. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly two in the morning. Knowing that falling back asleep was out of the question, I rubbed my eyes, and got up to take a shower. I needed to work.

  * * *

  I stared at the numbers, brows drawn as I turned the dial, trying to get everything to match up. About ready to growl in frustration, I stood, running an impatient hand through my hair.

  "Hey, Dr. Littman." I turned to see Samantha Torres enter the lab, her jacket still on from the early morning chill. She drew her brows. "Why are you here so early again? This is the fourth morning in a row I’ve shown up, and you’re already here. I know for fact that you stay later than I do." She took her coat off, hanging it and her purse on the coat tree.

  "There’s work to be done," I answered simply. I didn’t think it would be good to tell her that I’d been here since four this morning after only three-and-a-half hours at home, part of that asleep.

  I made a decision, one that was long coming. If work was the only thing I could care about, my research, trying to find something to help Hannah, and people like her, I’d do it. I could be married to my job, and happily so.

  "You need to get that microscope up and running, Dr. Torres. We’re running out of time." She stared at me for a moment before walking over and flipping on the switch. I rubbed my eyes, trying to fight the burning. I knew they were red from lack of sleep and proper eating, but I didn’t care.

  I walked to my office, and filled my travel mug with coffee, made strong.

  "When did you start drinking that?" I turned to see Samantha standing in the doorway. I shrugged.

  "Always."

  "Six years working with you, and that’s new to me."

  "I need the caffeine." She looked at me, her dark eyes unreadable. She nodded and turned, walking away. I drank the coffee as fast as the hot liquid would allow, sitting behind my desk. I’d be going up to see Hannah soon. Haley and I had discussed her condition yesterday, her saying that Hannah’s mental state was actually holding up remarkably well. She had a positive attitude, even as her body continued to deteriorate further.

  I closed my eyes, only for a moment, trying to make them stop burning. I had a bottle of Visine in the pocket of my lab coat, but it didn’t do much good anymore. I opened my mouth to let the seemingly endless yawns escape. Turning to the small fridge in the corner, I grabbed a can of Jolt, popped the top, and took a huge swig.

  Like magic, I felt a huge burst of energy flow through me, making me literally get the shivers. "Whoa, yeah! Work to be done." I drank the rest of the pure caffeine down, crushing the can in my hand, tossing it into the trash where it clanked against its other five siblings. Standing, I headed into the lab, humming to myself. I could feel eyes on me, and I didn’t care. "La la la la," I sang, doing a little twirl on my way to my station. Yeah, I could do this.

  * * *

  I saw the light turn red, isn’t it? I shook my head, trying to clear it as I rubbed my eyes. I was so tired, only stopping by the house for a change of clothes, and dinner. I hated being in that place, lately. It felt so empty, and I felt alone.

  Pushing on the gas, I began to accelerate, trying to beat the light before it turned yellow.

  Out of the distance somewhere I heard a horn, loud and blaring. I shook my head again, looking to my left.

  "Fuck!" Pushing the breaks as far down to the floor as I could, the Jeep came to a screeching stop, and the semi whizzed by, not a foot from my front bumper. I felt like I’d have a heart attack right there, my hand on my chest as I attempted to calm it. I looked to my right, seeing the tail lights of the rig disappear into the early morning darkness. What am I doing?

  Taking a series of deep breaths, I put the car in gear, and headed to the Mayo.

  To my surprise, Samantha was already in the lab, sitting on a stool with her arms crossed over her chest. "Hey, Dr. Littman." I looked at her.

  "Hi."

  "We need to talk." She stood, walked over to me, looking into my face. She drew her brows. "God, you look like shit. What are you doing to yourself? Trying to work yourself to death?" I just stared at her. "You’re here working twenty-hour days, I don’t imagine you’re sleeping anymore than a few hours a night. You’re not eating." She shook her head, putting her hand on my shoulder.

  "Look, Andi, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you need to go home. I’ve already talked with Dr. Zimmer, and he ordered you to leave, and take the week off."

  "You went over my head? Talking to my supervisor?" I felt anger running through me.

  "Yes, I did. I’m sorry to do that, but you are of no use to the lab here, like you are. I’ve caught you falling asleep in your office, you messed up numbers yesterday, you need to go home, get some sleep, and rest."

  The anger drained out of me as the exhaustion took over. I nodded, taking a deep breath. Dr. Torres patted my arm.

  "Go home, Andi. We’ll see you next week."

  * * *

  My eyes opened, followed by a yawn. Glancing at the clock, I saw that I had been asleep for nearly the entire day. I had gone to sleep at three past five this morning, and it was now four-thirteen.

  I sat up in bed, raising my arms toward the ceiling and stretched; the best feeling I’d had in days. I got out of bed, and headed toward the bathroom, glancing out into the living room. I stopped. I brought my hand up, stroking my chin with my finger, then hurried back to the bedroom to dress. It was almost five, and I figured that’s when they closed.

  * * *

  "As you can see, we have a lot to choose from. This little guy was brought in yesterday."

  I knelt down, looking into that cute little face, tail wagging a million miles an hour. "How old is he?"

  "We think he’s about two years old."

  "Oh." I stood. "I’d really prefer a puppy." I moved on, feeling so bad, wishing I could take all these guys home. I looked into each small pen, smiling at the barking or yelping dogs. I had had a puppy when I was really little, but my father had taken it with him when he’d left the family. This would certainly be an adventure for me.

  Behind me I heard a sharp yelp, and near constant panting. I turned, and knelt down, grabbing onto the chain link of the door with my fingers. The small, black and gray Pug stared at me, large, bulging eyes, tongue hanging out of its mouth. It cocked its head to the side, whining. I smiled, unable to help it.

  "That one."

  The drive home was a loud one; the new four-month-old Pug I’d just bought from the Humane Society was whining in the little dog kennel I’d bought from the place, filled with all the new toys I’d bought for him. Next to the kennel sat a bag of IAMS for puppies, and a bag of bones.

  The entire drive, I tried to think of a name for my new little buddy. I felt excited, almost giddy, and certainly as though I was playing hooky from work. Never, in all my working life, had I missed a single day of work. Well, one, but there was no other way. Even still, that was over ten years ago. I thought of that day every year.

  Shaking myself out of my thoughts, I stopped at a red traffic light, looking down at my puppy.

  "What do I call you, little man?" I
reached my fingers into the cage, smiling as he sniffed them, then licked them, then whimpered. "Soon, little guy, you’ll be home." Another whine.

  I pulled into the long driveway that would lead to my home, parking out front in the circular drive. I grabbed the kennel in one hand, threw the bag of dog food over my shoulder, and headed into the house, setting it all down in the middle of the living room, opening the cage door, and sitting cross-legged on the floor.

  The puppy took one step outside of it and sat on his haunches, looking at me. He cocked his little head to the side again, whining. I sighed, realization of what I had just done coming into view.

  "What am I going to do with you, Bunsen?" My brows drew. Bunsen? Hey, worked for me. I smiled, still staring at him. He whined again, standing, then sitting, then standing again, taking a tentative step, sniffing as he did, his little curled tail wagging slowly, almost unsure if it should. He walked over to the bag of puppy food, sniffing, licking the bag. I watched, amused, and charmed. Sniffing the air, he turned and looked at me, his big eyes seemingly filled with questions and confusion.

  I scratched my nails on the wood floor.

  "Come here, Bunsen." Making kissing sounds with my mouth, I slapped my leg. He looked at me for a moment, then almost hopped in his haste to get over to me, his small paws slipping and sliding on the smooth floor. Finally he made it to my lap, trying to jump up at me, licking whatever he could get into contact with.

  Yeah, little buddy; we’d have some fun.

  * * *

  "Okay, Bunsen. You may have kept me awake last night, but today I’m going to run your little butt off until you can barely stand. You got me?" He looked up at me, licking his chops, and whined. He was so little, so far down there.

  I held onto the navy blue leash I’d bought that matched his collar. I stared at the bike trail that was before us, and with a sigh, began to walk. The puppy kept up with my slow pace, looking all around his new surroundings. Luckily he was a curious little fellow, so he didn’t try and fight me.

  As we went, I looked around, too. It was mid-June, and the day was beautiful. I wore a pair of cargo shorts, tank and sneakers. It was a great day to walk. As we did, I began to notice things I’d never really given much thought to, before. The trees that lined our walkway were beautiful, luscious and green. Some actually bore fruit. As I looked further, and actually listened to all that was around me, I heard the songs of birds in those trees, calling out warnings to one another as we walked on. Bunsen looked up at them, his little head cocked to the side as he tried to figure out what the heck he was hearing.

  I couldn’t stop the smile that came to my lips. It was a brand new day, and I began to think about my life, and where it had gone. I felt good now about what I had done with Erin. She was free now, and in my own way, so was I. I looked down at my new friend, who already, had added so much … activity … to my life. He gave me his undivided attention, something I never thought I’d want.

  Hannah came to mind, too. All this, she may never see again. I thought of autumn here in Minnesota, and how beautiful these trees would be in just a matter of months, now. And how I had let so much time pass by, living in this house, never noticing it.

  The path began to wind, and as we followed it, I realized we were coming upon a park where people were laughing, children were playing. I had no idea it was here. How sad.

  "Yap, yap, yap!" I looked down when I felt the tension on the leash, and heard Bunsen’s little, high-pitched bark. Smiling again, I saw a squirrel sitting on its haunches, nibbling on what looked to be a bit of bread, staring at my dog. "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Yip, yip!" Bunsen was jumping around, making a fuss, trying his hardest to get to that little park dweller.

  "Bunsen, stop it."

  "Yip, yip!"

  "No!" He whined, looking up at me, then back at the squirrel, quietly growling in the back of his throat. Then the little animal scurried up a tree. As I followed his progress, my eyes found the blue sky, not a cloud in sight. "Wow," I whispered, amazed at the color; so bright, brilliant.

  Where had I been?

  * * *

  "Okay, big guy. I will be right back. Okay?" I held the Pug up to my face, staring into his dark brown eyes. He stared at me, licking his nose. "Okay?" With a small kiss to his wrinkled forehead, I put him back down on the passenger seat of the Jeep, and closed the door, walking quickly up to the hospital.

  "Hey, now, aren’t you supposed to be off this week?" I turned to see Nurse Wilson looking at me, an eyebrow raised, fist on her ample hip. I nodded, grinning sheepishly.

  "I just came to visit a patient." She smiled at me.

  "And that patient will be glad to see you, too." I hurried on down the hall, excited as I neared room 301.

  "Andi!" Hannah smiled when she saw me, and so did I. She was sitting up in bed, her hair freshly washed, her skin clean and bright. She looked good.

  "Hey there. I’ve got a little surprise for you." Blue eyes lit up.

  "You do, huh?" I nodded.

  "Yup. Come on, help me get you into your wheelchair." Happily she scooted to the edge of the bed, her thin, pale legs hanging over the side. I wheeled the chair around, patting the back of it. "Do you need help?"

  "Nope. I’m feeling good today."

  "Well, good." She got herself into the chair, and I put a blanket over her legs.

  "And just where do you think you’re going with that patient?" I looked over to the nurse’s station and Nurse Wilson who was staring at us.

  "I’ll bring her right back. I promise." She smiled and winked at me, turning back to her computer. "So how have you been, Hannah?" I asked, pushing her toward the elevator.

  "Not bad. I had quite a bit of pain a couple days ago. But other than that, I can’t complain too much."

  "Good to hear. How has the new medicine been working out?"

  "Great!" I looked down at her to see that she was smiling up at me. "I didn’t have any paralysis this week at all."

  "Stupendous." The elevator doors opened, and I wheeled her in, pushing the button for the ground floor.

  "Where are we going, by the way?"

  "You’ll see."

  I parked Hannah’s chair near the exit, and hurried out to the parking lot to grab my surprise. He whined and wiggled, but I managed to get back to Hannah, and placed him on her lap.

  Hannah sucked in a breath. "A puppy!" I stood aside, watching as she began to pet the dog between the ears, nuzzling him to her chin. "What’s his name?" she asked, smiling up at me, pure, absolute delight in her eyes.

  "Hannah, this is Bunsen. Bunsen, meet Hannah."

  "Hello, little Bunsen. You are adorable, aren’t you?" The Pug began to yelp, jumping on her lap, doing his best to lick her face as she giggled, trying to avoid the tongue attacks, which made Bunsen try to lick her all the more. "You little nut." She grabbed him under his ribs, turning him over so he laid on her lap on his back, all four legs in the air kicking as he tried to chew on her fingers.

  I watched them, a constant smile on my face as Hannah smiled, laughed, played, just like she was a little kid again. Bunsen ate it up, snorting and whining, wanting more and more attention from his new playmate.

  Hannah looked up at me, her eyes shining.

  "Thank you, Andi. This was wonderful."

  "Anytime, Hannah."

  I drove home with a good feeling inside, seeing Hannah so happy. I hadn’t seen her smile in so long. She had been so sick lately, really worrying all of us who cared about her. I knew her time was limited, but maybe this would make that time a little longer.

  I’d drop by over the weekend for a visit.

  * * *

  As I walked with Bunsen in the new-found park near our house, the sun high, the kids laughter caught on the breeze, I thought of Winston, my family, and the years I had spent there. My first thoughts had been to leave, to get out, to escape. Why? I certainly hadn’t gotten far. I chuckled at my own thoughts. If I knew then what I knew now, that I’d live not two hours
away from my childhood home, the younger me would freak.

  Then I thought about the time I’d spent with Haley. Lost time to me, lost memories that I wanted to get back. I felt as though we could easily get that friendship back, that easy laughter and banter that had made my junior year in high school bearable.

  She and I had been good friends, I knew that. I couldn’t believe she had taken to the Tae Kwon Do. Part of me felt guilty for not continuing with the piano. It hadn’t been for lack of want, hell, I still wanted to learn more. I tinkered on my own piano now and then. It had been fun and gratifying to know that I could produce something so beautiful with my own two hands. I had only really learned how to play that one song Haley had taught me.

  I smiled, finding a park bench, and sitting down, letting Bunsen do his business on the grass.

  I still knew that song, and still played it. I had gotten quite good at playing it, in fact. When it’s all you know, well, you know what they say — play what you know.

  With a sigh, I glanced over at the small playground. Placed in the middle of it was a sandpit, every kid’s paradise. I remember Chris and I playing in the sandbox we used to have in the backyard.

  Why had Haley and my friendship grown so far apart? I guess it was simply because of our age, and where we were in our lives. She left after graduation, and I still had a year left in Winston.

  Mom always told me that if I had one true friend in life I was lucky. Tracy and I had lost contact years ago, and I didn’t talk much to my old college buddies, nor old girlfriends. Was Erin right? Would I end up alone? Only my work to comfort me? Did I want that, and could it be helped? I knew that she and I weren’t meant to be, regardless of what happened. But, where did I go wrong in my life to be so isolated? Why did I walk through my days feeling invisible?