Outcome

by Kim Pritekel

  With a sigh, I looked down at my dog who sat on his haunches, the leash hanging limp from his collar.

  "You ready to go meet grandma, Bunsen?" His little head cocked to the side, his eyes almost disappearing in the blackness of his face. He whined. "Come on, big guy." I gathered him up in my arms, and we headed back home to get the car.

  * * *

  I closed the door of the Jeep, Bunsen walking ahead of me on his leash, headed to the front door. I had called ahead of time to see if mom was home, and I’d managed to catch her not long after getting home from work.

  "Okay, big guy. You ready?" I picked the Pug up, and looked him in his bulging eyes. "You know, you really are a funny looking little dog." Shaking my head in wonder, I gave him a kiss, and opened the door. I smiled, immediately recognizing the smell of brownies. Niiiiice.

  "Honey? Is that you?"

  "Yep." I headed toward the kitchen, Bunsen in tow. My mother was standing at the sink doing the few dishes it took to bake my favorite dessert, and I walked up behind her. "Mom, I want you to meet your grandchild." She snickered.

  "How many are you going to give me?" She turned around, and her face melted into an "O". "Andrea, you got a puppy!"

  "Looks like." I smiled proudly.

  "Why didn’t you tell me? When did this happen?"

  "About a week ago, and I wanted to surprise you." She reached for him.

  "Come here, you cutie. What’s her name?" She cuddled him to her chest, nuzzling his head into her neck.

  "He, and it’s Bunsen." She looked at me, rolling her eyes.

  "Why aren’t I surprised?" I grinned. "Oh, sweetie. I think it’s wonderful. I hate you living all alone out there."

  "Yeah, and just what exactly do you think this little one is going to do? Lick someone to death?"

  "Well, you never know." She smiled. "Here, take him. I need to finish these few dishes. I made you brownies."

  "Oh, yeah. I’m excited about that. Smelled them as soon as I walked through that door." She smiled at me, bringing a hand up to caress my cheek.

  "So what’s the occasion? Why are you here?" She folded the dishrag on the edge of the sink. "Come on, let’s have some iced tea."

  "Well, there is no occasion, really. I’m here to see you, and I wanted you to meet this little demon." I shrugged as I rubbed the folds on top of Bunsen’s head. "I’ve been doing some thinking."

  "What about?" She grabbed the tea pitcher from the fridge, pouring two tall glasses, squeezing lemon juice into hers. Some things never change.

  "I left Erin, mom." She looked at me, stopping everything else she was doing.

  "Oh, honey." I looked down at my dog who was beginning to fall asleep in my arms. "When?"

  "Almost two weeks ago, now." I felt a warm hand on my arm.

  "Why didn’t you tell me?" I looked up and into concerned brown eyes, so much like mine but for the color.

  "I tried, actually, the day it happened. But the line was busy, and after that, I guess I just needed to deal with it on my own. I needed to face some things, try and understand some things."

  "Come on. Let’s sit." She took both glasses, leading me to the small kitchen table, unchanged from the days when I used to do my homework there. I pulled out a chair, resting the now sleeping Bunsen on my lap, and took the glass of tea, sipping from it. "So?"

  "Well, we just want different things. Always have."

  "Honey, why are you so against committing to someone? I don’t even mean Erin. Lord knows, I know all about making mistakes. I’m made more than my share with relationships, but it’s not just with her." She looked at me, waiting for an answer I just didn’t have. "Why do you hide from people? I look at you, honey, and I see all the love you have to give." She stared into my eyes. "You’re so beautiful, smart, honest, and one of the most generous souls I’ve ever seen. Only you would lend the money to your brother to help him start that garage. Despite what he’s done to you."

  I looked down, uncomfortable with the praise, and the memories of Chris.

  "He’ll be thrilled to hear that Erin and I have split. He was always happy to hear that."

  "Well, if Chris wants to be a jerk about it, let him." I felt her hand cover mine. "Honey, not everyone can be open-minded. It’s his choice, and he can live with it. You two are all that the other will ever have; long after I’m gone, you guys will still be together. Someday he’ll realize that."

  "I hope so. It really hurts sometimes." She nodded, squeezing my fingers before she wrapped her own around her glass.

  "I’m sure it does, and I’m sorry."

  "You didn’t do it."

  "No, but he is my son. And you’re my daughter and I love you both with all my heart." I smiled, needing to hear that.

  "I love you, too."

  "Try to open your heart, Andrea. No one should be alone."

  * * *

  I sat on the couch, feet up on the coffee table as I stared into the fire. The warm day had shocked the state with a bitter cold that blew in to cool the night. The fireplace was lit, throwing brightness on my face, and reflecting off the floor, stretching the shadows further into the room. Bunsen laid on the rug in front of the fire, contently chewing on his rope.

  I thought about my conversation with my mom, smiling at the feeling of being home again. She had tried to get me to stay overnight, but I didn’t want to encroach on her new family, plus I wanted my own bed.

  Chris popped into mind, and I felt an old pain rise again in my chest. He had seemed fine when I told him I was a lesbian. I had been twenty-two, and he twenty. But, when I had brought home my first girlfriend, what was her name? Lisa? Lilly? Anyway, his face had hardened, and he hadn’t said one word to her throughout dinner. But he definitely had words for me later.

  He had told me he was ashamed, and thought I was a loser to fall into the college crap, and had said that it was a phase, and I couldn’t get a boyfriend, so I’d turned to women.

  Even now it stung. But, it was his choice. What could I do? For now it was time for bed.

  "Come on, Bunsen. Let’s go potty." I headed toward the French doors that led to the backyard, the Pug’s sharp claws clicking on the hardwood. I was amazed at how incredibly fast he’d learned to scratch at the back door when he had to go to the bathroom. We’d had some accidents, especially when I kept him closed in the empty third bedroom that I intended to turn into a den, but just hadn’t gotten around to, yet. I would often come home to find a little surprise in the form of a dried stain, or a little pile in the corner.

  While Bunsen did his thing, I headed to the bedroom to get changed for bed.

  * * *

  I turned over, smacking my lips as I readjusted my head on the pillow, a soft smile on my face in my warm comfort.

  Ring, ring, ring

  One eye popped open, somehow listening.

  Ring, ring, ring

  With a growl and glance at the clock, I picked up the phone.

  "It’s five in the morning. This better be good," I mumbled into the receiver, too tired to care if I was being rude or not.

  "Dr. Littman?" My brows drew, my other eye slowly opening to hear my formal title.

  "Yes?"

  "This is Marcy Wilson, at the hospital." I pushed myself up onto my elbow.

  "Nurse Wilson, of course." I was confused now.

  "Honey, we lost Hannah. Ten minutes ago. I thought you’d like to know." I sat there, the phone glued to my ear, my eyes staring into space. I had heard what she said, but my mind couldn’t quite let it get past my ears. "Are you okay?"

  "Yes. Thanks for telling me." Without another word, I set the receiver in its cradle, my hands falling into my lap.

  * * *

  I stood outside the church, hand clasped in front of my body, waiting for Haley. I had wanted to call her after I’d hung up with Nurse Wilson, but I had no idea how to get a hold of her, knowing she wasn’t at work at that hour in the morning. She had called me within the hour.

  "God, I’m n
ot sure how I’m supposed to feel," she had said, her voice shaking, and on the verge of breaking all together. "Do I stay stoic and professional? Am I allowed to grieve? Teaching a course at a college doesn’t prepare you for this." I had smiled at that, not having any answers for her.

  I pushed away from the wall when I saw her walking across the street, parking in the lot over there. She looked beautiful in a black pant suit, cream colored silk blouse beneath. She wore high heels, and sunglasses, her hair down, blowing behind her as she approached.

  "Hey," she near whispered as she stepped up in front of me.

  "Hi." Many people passed us, the church quickly being filled. Many I recognized from the hospital. "How are you?" Haley shrugged, looking around, then pulling the dark glasses off.

  "Okay, I guess. I certainly wish I weren’t here." She looked at me, and looked as though she was about to fall apart. Taking a deep breath, she gave me a weak smile. "Let’s go so we can get a good seat."

  I followed her in, signing the guest book. I saw Hannah’s husband standing by the doorway to the sanctuary, a small girl in his arms. She had her face buried in his neck, sucking on her thumb. Andrew Blackwell talked quietly with people as they passed by, shaking hands, accepting hugs from well wishers. I walked up to him.

  "Hello," I said, not real sure what to do. He looked at me, his blue eyes red, eyelids drooping. He looked so tired. "I’m not sure if you remember me, but,"

  "Of course. You’re Dr. Littman. Hannah talked about you a lot. You brought in the dog." He smiled, I smiled back, nodding.

  "I’m so sorry. I really don’t know what to say at this point, you know?" He nodded.

  "This is Savannah." The girl looked at me from around her thumb. She looked just like her mom.

  "Hi, Savannah." She whimpered, burying her face in further to her father’s neck. I turned back to Andrew. "Take care of yourself." I squeezed his hand, and walked back over to Haley, who waited in the back of the church.

  As the service began, I could already hear lots of sniffling throughout, some chuckles as family members recounted some of the things Hannah had done in her life.

  I glanced over when I felt a hand on my arm. Haley was squeezing my forearm. I looked up into her face, and could see she was biting her lower lip, trying to keep her emotions in check. I was grateful for Haley’s presence. Trying to be there for her helped me to push aside my own pain and sorrow.

  "My wife and I met in junior high." Andrew Blackwell stood at the front of the church behind the podium, his hands resting on either side. He looked down, then over at the white casket that was at the front. "She was truly the love of my life. Hannah was an amazing person, amazing woman, amazing wife and mother." He smiled. "When we heard she was sick several years ago, she just laughed, shrugged her shoulders and said that she could use the vacation when her doctor told her she had to stop working. Then she started to get really sick." He looked down again, tucking in his lips only to release them again. "I love you, honey." He covered his mouth as he hurried away from the podium.

  I held my breath for a moment, feeling my throat tighten, my eyes begin to sting with the tears that kept threatening to come. I felt Haley’s body shaking as she cried. I put my arm on the back of the pew, placing my hand on her shoulder, trying to give her any sort of comfort.

  The service came to an end, and I quickly stood, needing to get out of here, needing some fresh air. Haley followed as we made our slow way out into the cool air, and I stood by the wall of the building, trying to get myself together.

  "Wow." I looked up, saw Haley standing there, looking just like a little kid, so vulnerable. She looked at me, her eyes moist, the tears just waiting to spill over. Finally they did, and she broke down. I suddenly found myself engulfed in a hug, her body pressed to mine as she cried, silent, but constant tears.

  I held her, squeezing to let her know I was here. I rested my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes as I held back my tears.

  Haley’s body seemed to calm a bit, the tears slowing, then stopping. Neither of us said anything, nor did either of us move away. It just felt good to bask in the warmth and life of another human being.

  I was glad Haley was here.

  We both slowly pulled away, almost hesitant, not wanting that human contact to go. She looked at me, sniffling.

  "Want to get some coffee?" I nodded, rubbing her arm with my hand.

  * * *

  We sat across from each other at the small coffee shop, but neither had said anything. I think we were both just so caught up in our own memories, thoughts and grief. Finally Haley sighed.

  "So, how are you?" I looked at her, my fingers playing with a packet of sugar.

  "I’m okay. You?" She nodded, sipping from her cup.

  "I’ll be alright. Hannah was just my first real patient, and certainly my first to, well, to die."

  "I’m sorry, Haley. That can’t be easy."

  "You know as well as I do that it’s not. And not only that, but,"

  "It was Hannah." We both smiled, and she nodded.

  "Yeah, that, too. She was such a wonderful person. I heard all about what you did, bringing in your dog." She smiled at me, warm and gentle. "That was truly great, Andi. For the rest of the week she did so well. She was happy, her mind was clear, body was doing well. Until, well," She looked down, wrapping her hands tightly around her warm cup.

  "I know. I had come in a few times over the week to see her. She was doing so well. I was shocked."

  "Me, too." She took a deep breath, then several more before smiling at me. "So, where were you this past week? I looked for you at lunch, but you weren’t there."

  "Oh. I was home. I had some things to deal with."

  "Is everything okay?" I looked down at my hands, realizing I’d ripped the packet, and sugar had begun to spill out on the table. I smiled.

  "Oops." I began to clean it, taking deep breaths. For some reason I was unsure if I should confide in her or not. "I broke up with my girlfriend." I looked up at her to see that her face hadn’t changed.

  "I’m sorry, Andi."

  "Well, it was time. Three years, and we just weren’t getting anywhere. I had to let her go, and try to figure some things out about myself."

  "Was she the one who always sat with you during lunch?" I nodded. "She was very pretty." I smiled.

  "Yes, she is. Erin is just in a different place than I am." Haley nodded.

  "I understand." She was quiet for a moment, then smiled. "If you need anything, or want to talk, I’m here, okay?" I nodded.

  "Thanks, Haley. Listen, I don’t mean to cut this short, but I should get home." She looked at me for a moment, then reached across the table, squeezed my hand, and nodded.

  "Sure. See you later, Andi."

  "Yeah." I gave her a smile, though it was forced and I’m sure it looked forced. I needed to be alone.

  I drove home in silence, turning the radio off, closing all my windows. Just me and the soft hum of the engine. I pulled up into my driveway, unlocked the front door, and walked in.

  I could hear Bunsen yelping, hearing my return, and I headed toward the empty spare bedroom. I felt strange, almost like something had been taken away from me. When I opened the door to the bedroom, the Pug came bounding out, and I looked inside, cringing when I saw the little pile waiting for me by the closet. I walked into the room, feeling anger bubble up.

  "Why can’t you wait, Bunsen?" I cried, filling my eyes beginning to fill, my chest tightening followed by my throat.

  Walking to the center of the room, I looked around. There was so much space, nothing filling it, just a small dog bed and water bowl with a few scattered toys. Before I knew what was happening, I fell to my knees, then sat, hard, my eyes drifting to Bunsen’s mess. He sat near the corner, laying down, looking at me with guilty eyes.

  "Why, Bunsen? Why?" My voice cracked, and I tried to swallow it down, but to no avail. He raised his head, cocking it to the side, then slowly, ever so slowly, began to crawl over
to me, still on his belly. My head fell as the tears did, too. I didn’t even notice as the Pug climbed into my lap, curling up, but suddenly my hands were resting on a warm body.

  My shoulders began to shake with my sobs, heaving as all the emotion that I had held inside for the last two days began to come out in huge waves. The damn broke.

  I cried for all the things that Hannah would never be able to do, or see. I cried for her daughter, missing out on a wonderful mother, not there when she had her first day of school, or when she graduated, or got married, or got that first promotion.

  I cried for myself, and for all that I would lose out on because my heart had become so buried so many years ago. I, too, would miss out.

  Part 12

  I stared at her, my cheek resting against my knuckles. She tucked in her lip, let it out, then tucked it in again as her brows drew, dark bangs in her face, sticking her lower lip out as she blew them away.

  "You know, Kendall, the piece isn’t going to move on its own." I smiled, eyes drifting down to the backgammon board. "Just remember what I told you; use your role to your best advantage."

  Finally, with a sigh, she reached out a small hand, and moved one of the white pieces to land on one of my brown ones that was by itself. She smiled triumphantly as she moved my piece to the center of the board.

  She grinned up at me. "I got you."

  "That you did, you little turd." She giggled. We both looked up at the sound of a knock on the front door. She looked at me, I looked at her. "Who’s that?" Bunsen, who’d been laying on the floor under the coffee table where we were playing, stood, began to bark.

  "I don’t know." I stood, but Kendall beat me to it.

  "Can I answer it, Andi?"

  "Go for it." I sat again, staring at the game before me, trying to see what the best way to get back into the game would be. I could hear Kendall flipping the locks, and the front door squeak open.