Outcome

by Kim Pritekel

  I pulled into the drive of my old house, and turned the car off, hurrying to the door. It was a cold one tonight.

  Mom and Clive were downstairs as I headed into the house. The big screen TV was on, and some drama of the week was on.

  "Hey, guys," I said, pulling my gloves off. Mom turned and looked up at me.

  "Hi, honey." She stood, wrapping her arms around me, and squeezing. I smiled and closed my eyes. I think no matter how old I get, a hug from my mother always took me back a few decades.

  "Hey, cutie. How are you?" Clive asked from his spot on the couch. I smiled back at him.

  "Not bad. How about you?"

  "Eh, not so bad."

  "Come on, babe. I’ll make us some hot tea." My mother took me by the hand, and dragged me upstairs. I was glad. Though I did like Clive, I really had no desire to talk about this with him around. Besides, I knew my mother would fill him in later, anyway.

  "So what’s up?" mom asked as she took the tea kettle out from under the cabinet, and began to fill it with water. I hopped up on the cabinet next to the sink.

  "Well," I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as I prepared myself to tell her. "Haley is heading back to California in May," Mom looked at me.

  "Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll really miss her. She’s such a wonderful girl."

  "Yeah, she is. Mom, I’m going with her."

  My mother stopped the faucet, and looked up at me, surprise in her eyes. I waited for her to say something.

  "Honey, wow. Where did that come from? Why?" I knew she would support me no matter what I did in life, but I also knew this was rather sudden, especially for someone who had no clue what had been going on between Haley and I.

  "She asked me to."

  "As roommates, or something?" I smiled.

  "Well, not really." Her eyes opened even wider. She put the kettle on the stove.

  "You mean in a romantic way?" I nodded.

  "Something like that."

  "Honey, I-," She smiled, shaking her head. "You girls. I never can tell who’s into men, anymore. I definitely had money on Haley." She chuckled again. Getting the box of teabags out of the cabinet, as well as two cups.

  "Me, too." I grinned. "You remember, ah, well, way back when we had the bad snow storm my junior year?" Mom nodded, looking at me warily. "Well, ah, Haley and I," I looked down, lightly tapping the heels of my boots on the cabinet below me. Mom turned to face me totally.

  "You two...," I nodded.

  "Basically," I admitted.

  The water began to whistle, so she took the kettle of the burner, and poured the hot water into our mugs, handing me one, and a teabag.

  "Thanks."

  "Is that why you two stopped talking?" she asked, dipping her bag in and out of the water, watching to see when it was the right color for her.

  "Yes."

  "You know, I wondered. Not then, of course. Hell, having a daughter who’s gay has certainly been an education for me, but later on, after you’d told me about your lesbianism, I really wondered if something had happened between you girls." She poured some sugar in the cup once she’d removed the teabag. "So, tell me about this California thing. Are you excited?"

  I set my teabag on the saucer next to my mom’s, and sipped from the strong, hot brew, nodding.

  "I am. The thought of having a life with Haley," I smiled. "It’s breathtaking. The way I see it, Samantha can handle the lab, she’s good at what she does, and sometimes I think it’s her who should have gotten the promotion to lab manager last November, and not me. She’s a very competent woman. I mean, I may have gotten the ball rolling on our research, but she can just take over. And Bunsen would love the sun and the sand. I mean, true, I wouldn’t have the snow, and I do love the snow, but I could just get my fill of it when I came back for the holidays. Plus, I trust Vince and Michelle as much as I trust myself, and Kendall would absolutely love to come out and visit when she had her summer break," I stopped myself in mid-sentence, looking over at my mom. She was looking right back at me, concern in her eyes.

  "What’s the matter, honey?" she asked, her voice quiet.

  "What am I saying?" I nearly whispered.

  "You were telling me all the wonderful possibilities of a life with you and Haley." I hopped down from the counter, setting my mug aside, and walking over to the small table, pulling a chair out, and plopping down.

  "I can’t, I, I’m so confused." I buried my face in my hands. Within a few seconds I felt a warm hand on my back, rubbing in small circles.

  "How do you feel about Haley, honey?" I lifted my head, running a hand through my hair. I rested my elbows on my spread knees, and clasped my fingers together as I stared straight ahead, trying to think of how to answer that. Just at the mention of her name, I felt like I could fly.

  "I feel almost like I’m high when I’m around her," I began. "You know, like I can do anything. She fills me up completely." I risked a quick glance at my mom. She was staring at the floor as she listened. "She makes me feel like it’s all worth it, like life is worth living, and taking with both hands. I guess she makes me feel alive. You know, it’s like there is an actual, literal pain in my chest when she’s not with me." This time I looked directly into my mom’s eyes.

  "Honey, do you think you love her?" she asked, her hand moving up into my hair, gently stroking it, pushing it back from my face. I thought about what she said, knowing that I had been purposefully keeping those very words out of my vocabulary. Who was I to say? How would I know?

  But then as I sat there in my mother’s kitchen, I knew, just as sure as I knew my own name.

  "Mom, I think I’ve fallen in love." My voice was quiet, almost filled with awe as I announced this news to my own ears just as much as to my mother’s.

  "That’s not a bad thing, sweetie. It’s about time, actually, and I can’t think of someone more worthy of your love than Haley. No man is an island. I’ve been telling you that for some time." She smile, I smiled back, ruefully. "Does she feel the same?"

  "I don’t know. I honestly don’t know if she knows how she feels." I stood, running my hands through my hair again, turning to face my mom. "How can I go out there when she has no idea what she wants? Haley has never experienced this before, hell, what if it’s just a really strong case of sisterly love?"

  "Do you really think that’s the case, Andrea?"

  "I hope not. But I don’t know. And my job, all my hard work and research." I stopped, my shoulders slumping. "My daughter," I whispered. "I let her go once, mom. I don’t know if I can do it again." She just stared up at me. "I have to go."

  I grabbed my keys from the table, and gave my mom a quick hug. "I’ll call you later."

  "Whatever you do, you’ll do the right thing, honey," she said, holding me by my arm.

  "Would you do it?" I asked, desperate for someone to give me the answers.

  "I can’t answer for you. You and I are very different people, with very different priorities. I’m settled now, and when I was your age I had two young children to raise. Only you can decide."

  "Do you think I should go?" I hated asking others for help, but I was so lost right now.

  "Well, I have to be honest, I don’t want you to, but that’s just my motherly selfishness in me talking. But objectively, I think it could be a wonderful opportunity for you, and life is short."

  Not feeling any better, I hugged her again, and hurried out. I needed to think, and I needed to be alone to do it.

  * * *

  I sat in my office chair, hands behind my head as I stared at the blank computer screen before me. Our new units had arrived, and the men were installing them, so I came in here to stay out of the way.

  More like to hide.

  Last night had been one of the hardest of my life. The only thing comparable had been the night before I had to give the Torrini’s my answer. This was no less painful, either. Both could would change my life forever, and could have blessed or cursed affects.

  My eyes
still burned from tears of frustration and sadness. My heart still hurt from hope and regret. I had made up my mind, and now it was time to make it so.

  I stood, taking a deep breath, letting my lungs fill with much needed air, and headed out of the lab.

  As I walked down the hall, not entirely sure where I was going, well, that was a lie. I knew where I was going, I was just taking the long way to get there. I thought about my destination. I thought about what I would say.

  "Hey!" My head jerked up from my thoughts, and heading toward me from the end of the hall was Haley. She quickened her pace, and I stopped mine all together. As she got closer, I could see she had something in her hand. "How are you?" she asked once she reached me, taking me in a hug. I hugged her back, squeezing my eyes shut.

  "Here. How are you?" We pulled apart, and she looked at me with narrowed eyes, then punched me playfully on the arm.

  "You better be better than just here, woman. Look at all this stuff I got last night." She brought her hand up, and I saw that she had a ton of brochures on California, and all of the tourist attractions. "Okay, I figure we’ll be getting there before the peak season starts, so if you wanted to do all of the touristy things, May would be a great time to do them." She pulled one brochure out of the stack. "This place,"

  "Haley," I put my hand on hers to get her attention. She looked at me, all smiles, her eyes bright.

  "Yeah?"

  God, give me strength.

  "Last night I did a lot of thinking,"

  "Okay," She brought her hand up, playing with a random sting that had pulled loose from my sweater.

  "I need to tell you something," she looked into my eyes, her smile faltering a bit, her hand falling away from me. "There are two things in my life that I am so proud of, that I have created," I stopped, watching as she searched my face and my eyes. I knew she could see how red-rimmed my eyes must be, how tired I knew I looked from hours of restless sleep until finally I’d gotten up at three-thirteen this morning, sitting in my chair, thinking.

  "Alright," she said quietly.

  "Those two things are my work, and Kendall," Her face began to fall, though she was trying to hold it together. "And they’re both here."

  She looked down at the ground for a second before I heard her whisper, "okay."

  Haley took a step back from me, taking a deep breath, and looked down at the brochures in her hand. God, my head was pounding, my heart being squeezed so tightly. I felt sick. Finally Haley’s face did fall. I heard one sob before she turned, crumpling the brochures in her hand. As Haley walked, she passed by a garbage can, opened her fingers, and let them fall inside as she headed back to where she’d come.

  I watched, feeling my own eyes begin to sting and burn. I quickly turned, hurried back to the lab. I had to get out of here.

  "Andi? Andi?" Samantha followed me into my office, standing at the door as I gathered all my stuff. "Are you okay?" she asked, looking at me with such concern. God, I didn’t deserve her kindness.

  "I’m not feeling too well, Samantha. Um, I won’t be in tomorrow, either." She nodded dumbly.

  "Okay." She brushed her hand across my arm as I passed her. "Andi?" I stopped, turning to look at her. "I’m here, you know, if you ever were to need anything. Okay?" I nodded, feeling completely numb, whatever heart I had, dissolving with pain and shame.

  I drove home, my eyes dry, but stinging. I had had enough crying for a while. I just needed time to relax and think. I knew I had broken Haley’s heart today, but it had to be done. I would die if I grew to resent her for leaving Kendall and all that I had accomplished here.

  At least this way we could at least remain friends. Having her in my life, no matter how that was, meant everything to me. I couldn’t lose her completely.

  I tossed my keys on the table by the door, trying not to step on a very excited Bunsen. He wasn’t used to my being home this early, and he was basically beside himself.

  I made my way to the living room, plopping my numb body in the armchair by the fireplace. Bunsen jumped up onto my lap. I brought my hand up to rub his head, but this wasn’t good enough for him. He jumped down, ran to grab his rope, then jumped back up, trying to get me to play tug-of-war with him.

  "No, boy. Play by yourself." I leaned my head back against the chair, closing my eyes. I was exhausted. Finally the Pug settled on my lap, quietly chewing on his toy.

  * * *

  I awoke with a jerk, my eyes flying open. I looked around, seeing my dark bedroom, feeling the warmth of Bunsen next to my hip. I barely remembered going to bed. It had been around one in the afternoon, but I just hadn’t wanted to stay awake anymore; it hurt too much.

  Now, glancing at the clock, I saw it was after seven. Raising my arms above my head, Haley immediately popped into mind, and I suddenly felt worry. I needed to see her like I needed my next breath.

  Jumping out of bed, I called the Landlocked Sea, and ordered crab cakes to go. Quickly dressing, I gave a confused and groggy Bunsen a kiss and a hug, and hurried out.

  It was a cold one tonight; how appropriate. My heart felt like ice, and I felt numb from the ice.

  Grand-smelling bag sitting next to me, I made my way to Haley’s, praying that she’d be home. Her car was parked out front, and I saw a single light burning through the window. Pulling the break, I cut the engine, and grabbed the bag of food. It felt like such a paltry offering, but right now it was the best I could do.

  I stepped up to the porch, and knocked softly. It took a moment, but I finally heard footsteps. The door opened, and the dim light from inside spilled out into the night. Haley stood there, dressed in warm sweats and a sweatshirt. She held Peggy in her arms.

  "Brought you some dinner," I said lamely, showing her the brown bag. She gave me the barest of smiles, taking it from me.

  "Thanks." She headed back into the townhouse, leaving the door open. I hurried inside, chilled to the bone. Closing the door behind me, I stood where I was. I wasn’t so sure about where my place was now. Haley returned from the kitchen, sitting on the couch, hugging the rabbit to her.

  "Are you okay?" I asked, my voice soft. She nodded, sniffling.

  "As well as can be expected, I guess."

  "Yeah," I shuffled my feet, then decided to take off my gloves and coat, hanging them on the coat tree by the door. "Haley, I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, or deceive you." She finally looked at me.

  "I know, Andi." She looked terrible, her face and eyes red and swollen from crying. My heart split in two all over again. I headed over to the staircase, sitting on the third step up, my knees huddled to my chest, arms wrapped around my shins like a kid.

  "Haley, why don’t you stay here?" She grabbed a Kleenex from the box on the table, and blew her nose.

  "I have a contract with the school. I have to go and teach the summer session. Plus, about two years ago, my friend, Sergio Vladek and I opened our own practice. We have another twelve months on our building, the lease, anyway."

  "Looks like we both have responsibilities, huh?" I smiled ruefully. She looked at me again, nodded.

  Thunk, thunk, thunk

  I looked behind me to see Oreo trucking it on down the stairs. He stopped when he reached my stair, looked up at me, whiskers going to town, then headed past me to the floor, hopping his way over to Haley, who quickly swooped him up onto her lap.

  "Why are you all the way over there?" She asked, hugging her pets to her.

  "To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think you’d want me near you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have, Haley."

  She looked at me for a moment, her hand absently stroking the soft fur of the rabbits.

  "Why did you come, Andi?" I sighed, shrugging.

  "I wanted to see you, I guess. Needed to see you."

  "Come," she said, holding out a hand to me. I stared at it. "Please?" I stood, walked over to her, kneeling down on the floor in front of where she sat cross-legged on the couch. I scooted forward until my kn
ees hit the couch, and rested my forehead against Haley’s knee. I was so tired. All I wanted was just for us to go on, to be happy in what I knew we were both capable of.

  Within a few seconds I felt a hand on my head, running through my hair.

  "I always thought you had the most beautiful hair," she whispered as she continued to caress me. We sat like that for a few more moments before she spoke again.

  "How do you feel about me, Andi? What do you want to happen?" I lifted my head, staring up into her pain-filled eyes. I replaced my forehead with my hand, and sighed.

  "I visited my mom the other night, and she got me to reveal and realize something." I was running out of time to be a coward. "Haley," I looked up into her eyes, wanting her to hear what I had to say. "Somewhere along the way of all this, I, well, I fell in love. With you." I saw the tears gather in her eyes again, and I was on my feet in an instant. "Oh, don’t cry. Please, don’t cry." She sobbed in my arms, setting the rabbits aside to hop about as they would.

  Sitting next to her, I rocked her gently, kissing the top of her head.

  "You don’t make this easy, do you?" she asked with a rueful chuckle. I smiled.

  "No, I guess not." She got herself under control, and looked at me.

  "How? When?"

  "Well, my guess is somewhere in the neighborhood of my seventeenth year." I smiled at her. "As for why, well, I guess you just reached in there, planted a bud in my heart, and over the last twelve or thirteen years, it’s grown, and now it’s in full bloom."

  "Why me, Andi?" I sighed, thinking of that very question so many times myself.

  "No one dug deep enough to plant, I guess." She smiled, putting her hand on the side of my face.

  "You should have been a poet."

  "I don’t think so. I hated English, and nearly failed it."

  "What, the first A- you got in your entire life?" she teased.

  "Hey, that grade hurt, you know." We smiled at each other, and then I sobered, feeling the weight of the situation again. "Please tell me you don’t hate me."

  "I could never hate you, Andi." She leaned in, kissing me lightly on the forehead. "It’s just not possible."