Love Like Crazy

by Emma Chamberlain

  I laughed and then fell into a fit of coughs. Once I recovered I took a few breaths and then spoke.

  "Why such extremes? Just being close is awesome. Not that I have much experience." I paused and considered what she had said. "Why does she pull away?"

  Laura sighed. "I dunno," she said. "Maybe she doesn't want something real." She laid her body onto mine and gave me a hug. "Some people are just scared of things."

  "Understandable but sad. Feelings are scary," I said.

  I pressed our bodies together and reveled in the feelings.

  "Some feelings are just good," Laura whispered. She rest and held at my side and breathed deeply.

  "Yes, they are," I said.

  Vic was an idiot if she didn't see how good it could be with Laura. There was something deep between them and I didn't want to think about what would happen if Vic decided to get over herself so I just focused on Laura and how I felt.

  "Have you ever been like this with a friend?" I asked.

  "I guess so," Laura said. "I dunno. You're different than my other friends. Oh God," she groaned and started to move off of me.

  "What?!" I turned to see why she was going.

  "You could've told me I was being weird," she laughed, all embarrassed.

  "You're not being weird! I love cuddling with you." I sat up and watched her. "Is it weird that I feel like that?"

  Laura stared at me and I could tell she wasn't convinced of my truths. "You don't have to be nice about," she laughed. She moved to climb over me to get to her bed.

  "No! I'm not being nice, I mean. I-" I waited for my words to come back to me. "I like it too much," I blurted.

  Laura stopped and looked down on me. She hadn't managed to get far which meant she was practically ontop of me now and keeping me trapped.

  "You're always too sweet Charli," she smiled. Then she slid off of my body and made her way back over to her own bed.

  "I'm not sweet," I muttered, dejected.

  She was gone now. I'd ruined the intimacy with my questions.

  "It makes me feel better when you're close but I get it. That's probably crossing a line."

  "What line," she asked, playing with a paperback in her hands and watching me.

  "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything," I said, laying down on my side so I could see her.

  "Oooookay," she teased. She threw the paperback at the foot of her bed and got up to fetch her shoes again and put them on.

  "Where are you going?" I asked.

  "You need to sleep," she whined, annoyed with herself. "I gotta leave or you won't do that."

  "I'll sleep if you lay with me," I said.

  "Uh, no you won't," she laughed, a little bossy and sad. She got up and grabbed her bag again. "I'm gonna go smoke."

  "Okay," I said.

  I lay my head back on the pillow and rolled to my back. Telling her all this half information and talking about being scared of feelings.

  At least I knew I didn't want to be there when she was smoking. The smell always made me nauseous.

  I sulked after she left, feeling like trying to stay awake despite the meds just to see her when she came back.

  She was gone too long though. I fell asleep and didn't wake when she returned to the room.

  Chapter 16

  The school had me itching. All my usual escapes had been taken away. I couldn't just run off without the thought of there being repercussions. As I leaned against the side of the brick building, smoking my cigarette and thinking about how good I'd been, it actually made me want to scream.

  What was the point of anything?

  I started to walk toward the field. People were all around, some even headed toward the hidden escape near me.

  I pulled my phone from my bag and dialed Vic.

  "Surprise surprise. I was wondering when you'd miss me."

  "Shut up," I said.

  Vic laughed at me.

  "Come get me."

  "Sure," she said. And I could hear her car starting up. As soon as she answered she must've grabbed her bag and started to walk. "You have a fight or something?"

  "No," I said, dropping my cigarette down into the grass and stomping it out.

  I needed to breathe. And I couldn't do that in Charli's room where I was acting like an idiot every second of every day.

  I thought of Finnley and what Vic had said.

  "Hey. Pete's calling me. I'll be there in a sec."

  Vic hung up the phone, leaving me alone with my thoughts, a thing that I hated to be.

  "New girl," someone whistled. It was that asshole from before. The one who tried to bait Charli by grabbing my ass.

  I let my eyes drop away from her. There wasn't anything to look at anyway. Another shitty girl on another shitty day.

  "You wanna come out with us?"

  "I've got plans," I said.

  "Oh what, with cooler people," she beamed. She walked quickly to get her body in front of mine. It was pretty impossible. When she put her hand out and touched my neck I had to stop.

  "Fuck off," I said, bothered.

  "Sorry 'bout before," she said. "That girl you hang out with just drives me nuts."

  "Why's that," I asked, annoyed by her.

  "She's a fucking tease," the girl said.

  "Did she actually do something to you," I asked. When I looked up at this girl it really bothered me that I was even discussing this with her. She was pretty but her attitude was disgusting. She'd obviously gotten dressed up to go out somewhere and hookup.

  "Why do you like her," the girl asked.

  "Why do you care," I wondered.

  "Why do you think," the girl said. "You're the best thing that's happened here this year and I can't even touch you."

  "Okay, enough," I said, pushing right past her.

  The girl started to chase me and laug. "God. You're so fucking easy."

  "Just stop okay. It's not fun for me. I don't like it."

  "Okay, fine," she sighed. For a second she actually walked next to me instead of trying to stop me or dominate me somehow. "Just tell me one thing."

  "What," I asked, stopping to stare at her.

  "Are you into girls," she asked, running a hand through her hair. "You seem like you could be."

  "I dunno," I said, honestly. "I'm into people who don't make me feel like shit every day."

  "Yeah?" She asked, teasing me.

  I turned away again and stayed silent for the rest of the walk. When we got to the gate she let me go first. Chivalry.

  Her car showed up immediately and it was filled to the brim with other girls. "You should come," she said, walking backwards. "I know I was a dick to you. It really was about her. She's a prude."

  "Raincheck," I said, not even considering it for a second. Vic was coming and I needed to get away from here.

  "I'll hold you to that," the girl said.

  I rolled my eyes and tried not to think about how obnoxious that would be to have her breathing down my neck at some club all night long. Just the thought made me hold the back of my neck like it was happening. Too many people had already bullied and dominated me. I didn't care.

  Her car drove off and I waited a long time. Several other girls came and went. Some met up with boys. Others waited together for other girls and then walked off toward the bus stop.

  It was getting late now and I was just about to call Vic again when her car finally showed and a feeling of sickness spread inside of me as I noticed she wasn't alone.

  "Ah fuck," I muttered.

  She'd brought Pete and she'd brought Logan.

  The car came too quick and I had no time to hide or back out.

  She parked the car and got out, running around to aggressively hug me.

  When we were with the boys she always acted like this, way more happy and way more angry. She was way more everything whenever boys were around.

  "Damn bitch. Why aren't you wearing that hot uniform."

  "Shut up," I tried not to smile but it was Vic a
nd I was so happy to be touched and seen when it was just her.

  A car door shut off to the side and I felt Logan come up and hug me from behind. "Missed you," he said, burying his face into my neck and possessively kissing me. Vic leaned back and watched my face as I watched hers. She was smiling and chewing gum. I wanted to be openly upset but I couldn't be. Not with Logan here. "Come on, gimme a kiss," Logan asked. He turned my body and I stared at him but he was always much quicker than me. Before I could even think if I wanted it, Logan dipped down and stole my decisions, tasting me generously and holding my hips so I'd have to be tight and grind in against his hard sex. He was taller than me and he always sort of lifted me up until only my tip toes touched the ground. His hands held my ass and my body.

  Vic laughed and yelled at Pete as he touched her. She used touch to get and to give.

  As Logan pulled back he tried to stare at me but I turned and wiped my lips. "Get in," Vic said, watching me.

  "Where we going?"

  "You don't care," Vic said. And in a way she was totally right. I wanted to stop thinking about shit. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere again.

  I got in the car and so did Logan and Vic. Logan's taste was still on my tongue and I didn't want it there.

  "I wanna drink something," I said.

  "Three steps ahead of you," Vic said. She pulled a bottle of tequila out from her side door and handed it over to me.

  I felt Logan tug on my waist and pull me back to sit between his legs. "You're so cute," he said, moving my hair away from my neck so he could kiss it again.

  I opened the bottle and chugged some. Vic's eyes stared into mine through the rearview mirror.

  As Logan kissed my neck I began to feel things again. A crawling and swimming feeling. I shut my eyes and let it come. I knew Vic was probably watching me and that turned me on as well as made me angry. I'd told her several times since I left that I was interested in seeing Logan and now we were here.

  He moved his hands over my thighs and I felt my body wanting his. It wasn't him though, it was just sex and a need I could quench somehow. All my cravings and attractions since Hanover had been so confusing.

  As my mouth fell open and a soft choked moan escaped me he covered my lips with his and stifled my cry. I felt his hand then, between my legs and rubbing. I moaned in his mouth and the car jerked, causing the bottle in my hand to get knocked and to spill.

  "Jesus, watch it," Pete said, steadying the bottle and locking his eyes with me. He was smiling. We had nothing to say. He and I weren't really friends and we both knew it. We were obstacles for one another and both fighting for something we'd never have.

  "You okay, babe," Vic asked.

  "Yeah," I said, refusing to look at her. I drank some more of the tequila and felt how tight my chest was from all the touching and the pawing that Logan had done. He was turned on and he wanted me. At least that was simple.

  I drank a little more and tried not to think about Charli.

  "What is it," Vic said.

  "Uh, nothing," I lied. But she could always tell when my mind was on something else.

  We got to some house on a hill in the middle of the woods. Pete and Logan got out. I moved to go too but Vic grabbed my wrist and stopped me. "You needed this," she said.

  "You don't know what I need," I answered.

  I needed to be noticed and loved by someone I cared about. That was it. And she couldn't do that. She never could. Instead, she did shit like this, putting obstacles between us and setting up traps for me to fall in and nearly bleed to death.

  I tugged my hand away from her and got out of the car to hold Logan's hand. "Let's go somewhere," I whispered to him.

  "You got it," he said, leading me toward the house in front of him.

  Loud talking drifted out through the cracked blinds and the open windows. There was music and a familiar sense in the air for me. But my mind was too loud and I was sad and I was angry.

  "Whoa! Laura!" Someone said.

  I looked up and saw a few people I hung out with sometimes. Vic liked them so we got together when the mood struck.

  "Hey," I smiled. Will pulled me in for a hug.

  "We miss you," he soothed.

  I shut my eyes and felt the sweetness of it. In a lot of ways, this was like coming home. The home that people talk about when they talk about feeling safe. Parties always welcome me.

  Another person pulled me in for a hug and then there was this rush of feeling inside. Like a flood I couldn't get away from.

  "Wow, okay guys, let her breathe," Vic's voice said.

  Somehow, I ended up in her arms. The flood turned tepid. I was too angry with her to want her to touch me.

  I placed my hand on her stomach and pushed her away. My eyes caught hers and I could see the flash of sadness and surprise.

  "I need a drink," I said, walking away from all the people I used to see everyday.

  "Lo," Logan said, following me.

  I felt his hand on my back and it made me think about Charli and how tense she would be right now if she was here. How she acted with Vic was insane. It came out of nowhere and I still didn't know what to do with that information.

  Several people were in the kitchen standing around with their beer bottles and plastic cups. Through the window I could see the sloshing water in an illuminated swimming pool. The glow was light blue and it caught my eye in a way I couldn’t explain.

  Logan protected me from other people. He was tall and handsome. Other girls always watched him when he stood or moved about a room. I felt his hands sitting tentatively on my upper arms and his body behind mine not actually pushing but providing me a buffer so that the other girls and drunk people wouldn’t crowd me or run in.

  “Laura?”

  “Hm?” I looked over.

  “Hey, I thought that was you.”

  “Oh, yeah. Wow. Hi,” I said, trying to quell my smile.

  “Everyone’s been talking about you,” Finnley said, staring down on me and seeing me.

  That was the thing about her. She was just like Charli, she couldn’t pretend a thing to save her life, it was all genuine.

  “Yeah,” I laughed and fixed my hair. Logan took my hair up with his fingers and pulled it back from my shoulder to smooth it down. It wasn’t possessive, just helpful. He was sweet, I took his hand with my fingers and moved it down by my side to keep him still.

  “How is it? Are you okay?”

  “Uh,” I laughed and looked out at the pool again just to have a distraction. “It’s… It’s fine,” I lied. “I’m just not used to it. I’ve never been great at studying or staying in one place.”

  “I know it sucks but I’m envious,” Finnley said. “I tried to get in and had to settle for Green Valley when they wouldn’t accept me.”

  I looked over at her and felt a tug of pain in my heart.

  “Sorry to hear that,” I said, staring.

  “It’s okay,” Finnley laughed and played with her hair. She cleared her throat and leaned a little closer. My eyes flashed to her lips and my cheeks flushed. I don’t know why. Maybe I was drunk. For a second I thought she might kiss me. But that moment rushed and waned like an intense wave.

  My lips twitched and I tried not to smile at myself.

  “If I could trade places with you I would. I really don’t belong at Hanover.”

  There was a loud whistle and then someone yelled Finnley’s name.

  “Shit,” she laughed, a little frazzled. She touched my arm and found my eyes again. “Sorry. I better go. I just wanted to say hi.”

  “Hi,” I smiled, blushing now.

  Finnley beamed and I could see that she was blushing too. She rolled her eyes about her friend and took a drink from her cup before wandering back out into the fray. I couldn't help but notice, she looked especially sexy today.

  Behind her, Vic was waiting. As soon as I saw her my smile faded away. I swallowed down the happiness I had momentarily felt. Vic was leaning on the wall and just
watching me, judging me.

  I took a bottle of booze off the island and stared at her coldly as I walked away.

  If she wanted to hang out we could’ve done that. Now she was pretending I was the asshole when I was stuck in this place I didn’t ask to come to at all.

  Logan held my free hand and played with my fingers. People everywhere were suddenly eager to talk to me and say hi.

  “Guess I’m a commodity now,” I said.

  “Yeah,” Logan laughed. “But you always were. People just didn’t know how to approach you.”

  I stopped near the pool and sat down on the concrete to take my shoes and socks off. Logan helped and he smiled. Once they were off I dangled my feet into the water and thought about going inside.

  “You okay?” Logan asked.

  “Not really,” I said. But he couldn’t know the half of it. He was sweet but he didn’t know me. He got down to sit behind me. I waited and smiled as he took his shoes off and rolled his jeans up so he could straddle me and drop his feet into the water too.

  He held me around the waist, the tight squeezes he gave always made me feel things. But I wondered how it would feel if it was Vic or Finnley. Or better yet, even Charli.

  The flash of the thought made me warm inside and I laughed.

  “What’s so funny, huh,” Logan muttered with love.

  “Nothing,” I smiled. “Just didn’t imagine being here tonight.” Also, didn’t imagine missing Charli so much that I’d insert her into his place at this time. Just the thought made me soft.

  This was the freedom I’d been missing. The ability to go somewhere else every night, to meet up with random people and live my life without total control.

  Logan kissed at my neck, inciting that rush inside, the rush that meant whatever he was doing was working despite everything else.

  I closed my eyes and got lost in him. The kissing and the pressure, his strong arms tight around my stomach and holding me. But when I closed my eyes I thought of before in Charli’s bed. How it would feel if she did this to me.

  “Shit,” I said, opening my eyes.

  I guess you know you’re drunk when...

  I reached for the liquor and opened it. There wasn’t enough liquor for what I was feeling right now. Everything was such a mess and no one was really on my side.