Nothing Compares

by Leigh Allen

  Turning to Talon, I ignored everyone else and just spoke to him. “Talon, we can’t do this anymore. What we had is gone. You need help. I need to live my life without worrying that I am going to do something to upset you,” I stated.

  For the first time in months, I felt a fierce braveness that compelled me to say all of the things I should have said long ago.

  “No!” Talon shouted. “You are mine. You belong to me,” he growels, as he takes another step toward me.

  Fear begins to grip me as I can see his face growing red. His fists remain clenched at his side and I keep telling myself that he won’t hurt me. He loves me too much to hurt me. Mike is here, he wouldn’t allow anything to happen, right?

  Maybe I am a fool, or too brave to realize the gravity of this moment, but it doesn’t stop me from opening my mouth.

  “Stop, Talon. I don’t belong to anyone. I belong only to me. You have to stop this,” I cry out.

  I watch as Talon’s eyes grow in size and a look between hurt and confusion flashes in his light blue eyes. “You can’t mean that,” he says, his lips quivering. “I love you. I need you. I can’t and won’t lose you,” he says.

  His face is now only inches from mine and I can feel his warm breath on my face. I close my eyes briefly, willing the tears to go away.

  I love him. More than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life, but this isn’t right. No matter how much we might love one another, there is no denying that what we have is brutally unhealthy. Talon wanting to control me is not right. Me constantly fearing he will be triggered by something and blow up, is not right.

  I know I am about to do the most dangerous and heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do, but I can’t back down now. My heart will no doubt be shattered into a million pieces after today.

  I see Allison crying and notice that even Mike looks upset. The gravity of the moment isn’t lost on them either. This is the end of something that was once great.

  I take a step back, allowing space to be created between us. Talon notices this and makes a move to step forward again, but I stop him. Reaching out my arms, I hold him at an arm's distance.

  “Talon, stop. I love you more than anything, but this isn’t working anymore,” I say.

  As the words transcend between us, something in the air begins to shift. I feel the crackle of electricity as Talon’s anger builds to something more and I fear this time, I may not walk away unharmed.

  Talon just stares at me, tears brimming his eyes, and his body shaking. Part of me wishes he would just yell and scream, while another part of me fears what he is waiting for. Finally, he does the last thing I would ever expect. Dropping to his knees, Talon grabs me around the waist and pushes his head into my stomach as he holds me tightly.

  Sobs break free as he holds me so tightly, I find myself struggling to breathe.

  “You can’t do this. You are mine and I will die without you. From the moment I first met you, I knew no one would ever compare to you. I don’t want anyone else, you can’t leave me,” he cries, gripping the back of my shirt in his hands.

  “Talon…” I try to say, but he refuses to let me argue.

  “No, Mallory. You aren’t doing this, I won’t let you,” he cried out again.

  “Talon, you can’t stop her. Please, just listen to her,” Mike pleads from behind us.

  Watching him break before me is almost too much to handle. I feel myself wanting to give in and tell him I was wrong. That I do love him and that with work, we could make this work. But, I can’t. I have come this far and I have to be strong. But, I have to be smart about this too. Knowing how upset he is, Talon won’t let me leave tonight. So, I realize I have to play the game with him. Calm him down and then, find a way to leave.

  My tone softens and I find a way to get the tension to leave my body. Leaning down, I wrap my arms around him and pull him up so he is standing.

  “Talon, calm down. You are right, we can’t end,” I say.

  “What?” Allison shrieks, throwing her hands up in the air. “We have to get to school. You have done so good, Mallory. Please, don’t throw everything you have done away,” she pleads with me.

  I wish I could make her understand right now what I am doing, but I can’t. I refuse to risk this right now.

  “Seriously, after all of that?” Mike yells, looking over at Allison with a ‘what the hell’ look. He too seems beyond pissed off and frustrated at our back and forth games. It’s exhausting for me, so I can’t even imagine what toll it has taken on our friends.

  “Yes, Talon let’s go to your house and we can talk about this alone,” I say.

  His eyes finally meet mine and he stares at me to see if I am being serious. For a brief moment, I fear he may see through my ruse. Thankfully though, he doesn’t argue. His shoulders relax and I see that he believes me.

  “What?” he asks, seeming dumbfounded.

  “I was just upset and thought that we needed to talk. Let’s just go to your house,” I say, adding a slight smile. “We can be alone and really talk through all of this.”

  I can’t be over excited. He has to see that I am upset or he won’t believe me. Talon stands there, my shirt still locked in his grip, and sighs.

  “Ok, we can talk alone. Just knowing you are willing to talk this out makes me feel better. I am sorry if I scared you, but you have to know how much I love you,” he says, as he finally starts to release my shirt.

  “I do,” I say, placing my hands on his face. I may be playing a game with him now, but I do mean what I am saying. I understand how deep his love for me goes, because I have the same feelings for him. He’s been my entire world for months and in just a few short hours, he will be nothing more than someone I used to know and love.

  “I will follow behind you,” I say, as I head to my car.

  Stunned, Allison and Mike are watching us like we have both lost our minds. I give Allison a knowing look and flash my phone at her. She seems to understand that I am trying to tell her something.

  Once I am in my car, I call Allison as I follow Talon to his house. It’s crazy that I hadn’t noticed before, but Talon’s truck was parked just a few houses down.

  As Allison picks up the phone, I explain to her that I am going to break up with Talon at his house. I have to get him calm and then execute my plan. I know I am taking a risk, but I have to do this right. I also tell her to call Mike and let him know what I plan to do.

  Finally, I ask her to have Mike call Talon’s dad, George. After everything goes down, Talon will need support.

  I hang up the phone just as I pull into Talon’s driveway.

  Thankfully, his parents are already at work so we are alone.

  Talon walks over to my car. Allowing me to step out, he takes a step back. Talon extends his hand to me and I willingly take it. He leads me back to his bedroom where we fall into his familiar bed. As he lays down next to me, he wraps me in his arms and I allow it.

  “We need to talk,” Talon says. He holds me tight against him and I can feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He is scared right now and I am too.

  “Yes, and we will. But first, we both need to sleep. Have you even slept over the last few days?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

  “No. I couldn’t leave your house. I had to be there in case you answered your phone or came outside,” he admitted.

  Wow, that was sweet, but too much. He needed boundaries.

  “Ok. As soon as we wake up from our nap, we can talk,” I sigh. I begin to run my hands through his hair. In moments, I hear his breathing even out and know he is fast asleep. Tears brim my eyes as I watch him peacefully. I will wait just a little bit long and then, I will slip out without being detected. Once he wakes, I know there will be hell to pay, but for now, I just enjoy the last few moments of being his.

  ***

  Two hours later, I woke tangled in Talon’s arms.

  For the last time.

  I just prayed, he wouldn’t hate me too much.
>
  Slowly, I lifted the sheet off of me and tried to wiggle myself out of his hold. If I could just get dressed and leave before he woke, I could handle everything else that came later.

  Sucking in a breath, I managed to move his arm off of me.

  As I rolled off the bed, I heard Talon begin to stir. “Babe?” he asked.

  Closing my eyes, I muttered a string of curse words as I turned to him.

  “Hey, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said, trying to fake a smile.

  Sitting up, Talon looked at me with careful eyes. “What are you doing? Come back to bed, we have the house all to ourselves,” Talon said, patting the bed beside him.

  Standing, I glanced between him and the now empty spot where I had just been soundly sleeping in his arms. Everything was peaceful just moments ago, and now, it was all about to turn ugly.

  “Talon, I can’t stay. I have to go,” I said, reaching down for my jeans.

  “Why?” he asked.

  “Talon,” I began, but he stopped me.

  “Don’t do this, babe,” he said, hanging his head in his hands. “You said we would talk. You said if we just came here, it could all be ok.”

  “You need help, Talon. If we ever want this to work, you have to go to therapy. Find out why you have such rage and anger issues,” I cried. Climbing on the bed, I tried to grab his hands, to force him to look at me, but he refused.

  “I’ll do it. If that is what it takes to get you back,” he stated, slowly releasing his hands and allowing me to see his pain stricken face.

  “No, you have to do this for you, first,” I whispered, hugging him.

  “But…” he went to argue, but I put up my hand to stop me.

  “Right now, we are over. You have to focus on you.” My lips tremble as I try to compose myself. If I break, even a little bit, I will crumble and give in to him. I crawl off the bed again and slip my shoes on. Talon just stares at me like he is frozen in place.

  “What. The. Fuck, he grumbles out. “Do you not love me anymore?” he yells, in an emotional rage. Punching the mattress, I watch as it dips from the force of his blow.

  I flinch and close my eyes briefly as I beg the tears to stay in.

  “No, I love you. You know I love you,” I say. I have to stay strong. I take a step toward him and grab his face in my hands. Forcing him to look at me, I continue. “I love you so fucking much, it is killing me to do this. But, I need for you to love yourself, so that we can make this work. I have to walk away now. Just understand, I am not walking away from us. I am just walking away from what this is right now.” I grab my keys and purse and turn for his door.

  “You walked into my life and now you want to tell me you regret this?” he asked, hurt glistening in his tear filled eyes.

  I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I knew I shouldn’t. He could see the turmoil I was faced with, but yet, he continued to look at me like I was the villain. He had to know I was doing this for him-- for us. I began to run down the hallway and toward the stairs. Maybe this time he wouldn’t follow me.

  I guess I was wrong.

  Screaming my name, he barreled out of his room and thundered down the steps behind me. I made it to the front door and out onto the porch before he unleashed his wrath.

  “My biggest mistake was giving you my heart. You shattered it and handed it back to me on a silver platter. What the fuck do you expect me to do now?” he seethed.

  I took a step back from him. I had seen him enraged before, but nothing like this. His words were slicing me open and I feared I may die right here.

  “I have to leave now,” I said, trying to be strong. For us.

  “No,” he cried, falling to his knees.

  My heart was shattering and I had to turn and look away. He was breaking in front of me, but I had to leave.

  “You will understand what I am doing, but later,” I spoke through tears, as I took another step back and away from Talon.

  He was on his knees, tears streaming down his face, and pleading with me not to go.

  I couldn’t stand it any longer. Turning on my heel, I ran straight to my car. I jumped in and drove away before I could talk myself out of it.

  The last thing I remember was seeing him crying in my rearview mirror.

  Spring

  Chapter 15

  Nothing can bring you more happiness than the coming of Spring. With the warmer weather brings flowers and the world breaks out of its gray and foggy winter haze to welcome sunshine and warmth.

  At least, that’s what people keep telling me.

  Since Talon and I officially broke up, he unenrolled from school. From what I had heard, his dad had put him in a small private school.

  I had blocked his number. As much as it killed me inside to let him go, I knew it was for the best. Talon had demons trapped inside him that he needed to release. Being with me seemed to only unleash those monsters. In my heart, I still had hope that maybe one day, we could meet again and try to find the spark that once ignited our souls. But, until he was ok, that would never happen.

  I find myself thinking about him and sometimes I fear I may never be able to be without him fully-- regardless of the turmoil we cause when we are together, he was still my greatest love. There would still remain a part of him in my heart, but I couldn’t give myself to him anymore.

  I had found out that I was accepted into the University of Kentucky and I was preparing for the next chapter of my life.

  My senior year of high school was almost over and to say it had been an experience, would be an understatement.

  I had grown so much in such a short period of time. Over the course of the year, I had my heart broken, found a new love, only to have that illusion shattered to pieces. Now, I was back to myself and gearing up for the rest of my life.

  Stepping out of the bakery, I smiled as the warm afternoon sunshine heated the world around me.

  Pulling my keys out of my pocket, I fumbled for my phone.

  “Mallory?” a familiar voice rang out.

  Frozen, I stopped as the world around me stood still. It had been months since I had heard that voice.

  Slowly turning, my eyes landed on Talon. But, he looked different. Gone was the darkness and pain coloring his eyes. Instead, they shone brightly with happiness. It made my heart fill with joy to see him looking like he did when we first met.

  “Hi,” I say, my eyes locked on him.

  “Sorry, is it ok if I talk to you?” he asks. He seems nervous and that thought breaks my heart a bit.

  I knew one day we would see each other again, but I never imagined it would feel like this. Like I had found a stranger.

  “Of course it is ok to talk to me,” I say, offering a kind smile.

  My heart opened, allowing him right back in like I always did. There was something different this time though, he was softer. More calm.

  “You know, I have wanted to talk to you. To tell you thank you,” Talon began.

  “Really? I thought you would hate me,” I say, sadness tinging my voice.

  Shaking his head, Talon takes a step closer to me. “I could never hate you. In fact, when you broke up with me, I think that was the best thing that could have happened to me,” he said.

  My smile faltered and I swear I felt my heart sink to the pits of my stomach. I knew it would be difficult to see him again, but damn, I didn’t expect him to try and hurt me.

  “Wait, you don’t understand,” Talon says, seeing the distraught look on my face. “I needed that wake up call. I was losing all of my friends. I needed to fix myself. Even if you had answered my calls or agreed to take me back, I don’t think I would have allowed that. I couldn’t see you until I was better. When my dad took me out of school, I was angry. He forced me to talk to a therapist and really go to anger management meetings. It was there that I realized I was harboring so much anger and sadness from my mom, my dad, and myself. When I met you, I thought you could fix everything. You made me feel again. You loved me and fuck,
babe, I loved you so much. But, I couldn’t keep hurting you, just so that I could feel human,” he finishes.

  I stand there in awe. A wave of joy returns to my heart as I realize he was getting the help me needed. All I ever wanted was for Talon to be happy and healthy.

  “I’m so glad to hear that. You have changed. I guess I have too. I start at the University of Kentucky in the fall, and I have been working a lot. I needed time to just find myself,” I said.

  Nodding, Talon seemed to understand. “I guess I did, too. I just didn’t know it at the time.”

  “I hope you continue to heal,” I say, hoping he doesn’t ever fall back into his old ways. There is so much good in Talon and I want that part of him to outshine the darkness. Nothing will ever compare to the love we had, but his happiness means more to me than my own heart.

  “I am. I have to. There are things in life I want. And I know what I have to do to get them,” he says, his eyes locking on mine again.

  I can’t be sure, but I feel like he is trying to make me see that this is real.

  I need to be honest with him. I may never get the chance again. “Talon, losing you almost killed me, but I would do it a million times more to see you doing better,” I admitted. “Graduation and prom are going to be really hard without you there, but I know now that you will be exactly where you need to be.”

  Sighing, Talon ran a hand through his hair. He looked conflicted and I could see him fighting an inner battle on what to say. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest with him. Maybe it was too soon.

  “Shit, I forgot about prom. I hope you enjoy these last few weeks of high school,” he says. I see a flash of remorse in his eyes and I have to hold back the tears I so desperately want to shed.

  So much had changed and I had come so far, but there was still something in my heart that longed for those moments to be had with Talon. It wasn’t too long ago that I had envisioned us dancing at prom, crossing the stage together at graduation, and moving on to college together. Now, all of those were just fleeting dreams that would never come to light.