Undying

by Bernadette Azizi

  James stood tall and looked directly at Richard. “I am not going anywhere. You will find that my car is next to yours and Dr Simons is in it, so if you need to leave, feel free.”

  “A car and a doctor. I guess you win!” Richard said as he looked out the window. “Oh well, it looks like you also seem to control the weather. The rain’s stopped! Well, if I am not needed anymore, then I guess I will be off. Catherine, I hope you have a speedy recovery and please feel free to use this cottage whenever you need to,” Richard said as he made his way toward me. He crouched down in front of me.

  “Be careful! I would hate for something to happen to you if I wasn’t there to help you.”

  “Thank you,” I said hesitantly.

  I knew Richard was trying to get under James’s skin. I couldn’t see James’s reaction, because he was purposely turned away.

  “James, always a pleasure,” Richard taunted, before promptly leaving.

  Neither one of us spoke for a while.

  “Are you in pain?” James’s angelic voice finally broke the silence.

  “No… No… I am fine,” I answered, quickly.

  “Richard said that you thought someone was chasing you… is that true?”

  “Um… yes James, I can’t go back to Australia – I won’t!”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Mr Kemp said that if I don’t figure out what’s happening on my own, it wouldn’t matter because I have to leave at the end of the year anyway,” I confessed.

  “So, you’re now in a hurry to figure this out? If this is the result of you trying to understand what’s going on, then I don’t want this!”

  James started to walk away from me. I got up quickly and grabbed his hand.

  “James, stop! What do you mean you don’t want this, this as in me?”

  “Catherine, I love you. I would rather not have your love if you have to go through this,” he said, pointing to my leg.

  “I hate what’s going on, it’s like… ah… it’s like I’m being hurt for loving you. I feel as if you have always been mine, always. We just need to be given a chance, that’s all, just a chance,” I cried.

  James looked baffled, but somewhat pleased. He pulled me close.

  “Let’s leave before the rain starts up again.”

  James grabbed my wet clothes off the lounge, took my hand and led the way. I felt uneasy.

  “The car is only a few minutes away, I will help you.”

  I nodded as I held onto his arm for support, going down the few steps. We went down a little track behind the cottage. It was paved and well kept, we walked for about three or four minutes until we were at the beginning of the village. Sitting in James’s car was Dr Simons.

  I wish he wasn’t here. Dr Simons being here meant I would have to let go of James’s hand. When we got closer, I loosened my hand, but he held on tighter. I looked up at him. “James, what are you doing? Dr Simons will see us!”

  James didn’t seem to mind. He even had a defiant grin on his face. He must have lost his mind. I started to get nervous and agitated. Dr Simons was now just a few metres away.

  “Catherine, what happened to your leg, are you alright?”

  I looked at James. I didn’t know what to say or do anymore. James had thrown me right off. I looked at Dr Simons. He wasn’t even taken aback by James holding my hand.

  “Um… I fell… But I’m OK, really.”

  Dr Simons ignored my reassurance, instead looking to James for his opinion.

  “I haven’t seen the wound; you will need to attend to it when we arrive at the college.”

  “Of course, of course.”

  James continued to hold my hand as we made our way into the car. I tried to get his attention to indicate my shock. He wasn’t worried about being caught. I still couldn’t get his attention, but Dr Simons’ smiled at me.

  “Catherine, I am thrilled about you and Mr Barclay, just thrilled.”

  My mouth dropped open. I was in complete shock.

  “Catherine, I had no choice. Dr Simons seems to see you almost as much I do these days.”

  Dr Simons started to laugh. I could see James trying to restrain himself from laughing too.

  “What!” I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore them.

  “Does Jules know?”

  “No, no one else.”

  “What does Dr Simons… actually know?”

  “Just that I love you,” he said and kissed me on the lips, before closing the door.

  Back at the college, I felt tired and just wanted to sleep. I couldn’t believe that it was only a little past 11 o’clock. I yawned as Dr Simons attended to my leg in his medical room.

  “Where is Jules? Does she know about today at all?” I asked.

  “No, fortunately for you. But, unfortunately for her, she is in her bed, unwell.”

  “Oh, that’s right. I might go by and see her and then I might lie down myself.”

  “That sounds like a marvelous idea. I know she would love to see you.”

  I looked at James, who wasn’t saying much. I am sure that after seeing my leg in all its glory, there would be another lecture on the way. When Dr Simons finished, James and I made our way to our rooms. It was easier to walk but I did need some support from James to make the stairs. When we got to his door, he looked at me and smiled.

  “Catherine, I will be waiting for you in my room.” He gently touched my cheek with his hand. I smiled back, and immediately went to my room, changed out of my jacket and went to Jules’s room.

  The visit with Jules was nice. She is so gentle and honest, unlike me. I felt so bad about having to lie to her about what was going on. Now that Dr Simons knows, I fear she may be hurt when she finds out she has been kept in the dark. My visit was short and sweet, so she didn’t have an opportunity to ask too many questions about the fall and what happened afterwards. When I left I walked down the hall and knocked on James’s door. He didn’t open it immediately.

  “Back so soon, how is Jules?” he asked.

  “Still unwell. I feel awful. She’s blaming herself for everything.”

  “She’s not the only one,” James said as he locked the door behind me.

  I went and lay in the middle of James’s bed. I grabbed his pillow and held onto it, a habit of mine that always made James smile and shake his head. It smelt amazing. James followed me onto the bed and I laid my head on his chest.

  “Never let me go…”

  “I’m trying, but you are very hard to keep hold of,” James whispered. He started to gently pull back strands of hair from my face and shoulders.

  I spent most the day lying down, napping like a cat. I left the room twice that day, once for lunch and the other for dinner. At dinnertime, I took food up to Jules’s room and sat with her to talk. I guess the guilt of the secret that was being kept from her was starting to weigh on my mind. Luckily for me, I had had lunch with Dr Simons and we were able to get our story straight about the morning’s events, which had come in handy because Jules had so many questions as to what, how and when the injury came about.

  Dr Simons had been wonderful, making me feel like I could trust him with anything. He was always there to help me when I needed it. I was glad that I didn’t run into Mr Kemp. I knew that if he found out what happened today on my run, he would be angry with me. He would no doubt lecture me about not taking things seriously and being reckless.

  After saying goodnight to Jules, I went straight to James’s room. He wasn’t there yet, which was strange. I contemplated going back to Jules’s room so I wouldn’t be alone, but I had already said goodnight and showing up again at Jules’s room would raise suspicions. So I decided to keep myself occupied by reading until James returned. The only problem was that I didn’t have any of my books in his room, and was feeling too lazy to go back and get one. I decided to search for one in James’s room. He had many books in his office and every week he would bring up two or three books to read and take books that he had read back t
o his office.

  One particular book did catch my eye. It was a book that had always remained in James’s room: a collection of poems by Lord Byron.

  Now there’s a romantic hero.

  I got into bed and started flicking through the pages. There was one page bent in the corner. It intrigued me so I began to read…

  When we two parted

  In silence and tears,

  Half broken-hearted,

  To sever for years,

  Pale grew thy cheek and cold,

  Colder thy kiss;

  Truly that hour foretold

  Sorrow to this.

  The dew of the morning

  Sank chill on my brow

  It felt like the warning

  Of what I feel now.

  Thy vows are all broken,

  And light is thy fame:

  I hear thy name spoken,

  And share in its shame.

  They name thee before me,

  A knell to mine ear;

  A shudder comes o’er me

  Why wert thou so dear?

  They know not I knew thee,

  Who knew thee too well:

  Long, long shall I rue thee

  Too deeply to tell.

  In secret we met,

  In silence I grieve,

  That thy heart could forget,

  Thy spirit deceive

  If I should meet thee

  After long years,

  How should I greet thee?

  With silence and tears.

  The poem was pure suffering at its finest. I could identify with Byron’s sorrow. In some way I felt I could be living his words.

  Well let’s just hope we don’t have the same ending.

  There was a knock at the door. I froze, not wanting to be heard. Then another knock.

  “It’s me, Mr Kemp.”

  I couldn’t decide if I should keep quiet to avoid seeing him or not. I decided to open the door, just in case it was important. As soon as I opened the door, Mr Kemp barged in and quickly closed it behind him. I think he was taking this secrecy a bit too seriously. The whole escapade has probably been the most excitement he has had in decades.

  “Is everything OK?” I asked.

  “Well, not really. Mr Barclay wants me to babysit you, until he returns.”

  I could see that they were his words, not James’s, so I let them pass.

  “Where is he? Will he be long?” I queried.

  “He has gone to meet Mr Cartwright this evening. He thought he would be back by now, but the meeting has taken longer than expected, so he called me to come and babysit you.”

  “Mr Cartwright? At this hour?” I questioned.

  “What are you reading there?” he asked. I don’t think he knows about today at all. He rarely looks at me when we are in the same room, so I guess I could be off the hook.

  I didn’t have much patience for Mr Kemp these days, or at any time, so I just handed him the book and hopped into bed.

  “Lord Byron, hmmm now there’s a talent. A Harrow old boy, you know. Lord Byron and I went to the same school.”

  Probably in the same century, I imagined.

  I rolled over and faced the other way. I was frustrated that I had to spend the evening with him and his blatant sarcasm, and that James was with Richard.

  “Would you like me to read you a bedtime story dear?” he chuckled.

  Stupid man, I think I may have liked him more before.

  I tried to fall asleep but it was impossible. Mr Kemp had an annoying voice, especially when he read. His voice went up and down in volume and tone.

  His poor students…

  An hour had gone by and he was still rambling. I wasn’t sure how much longer I was going to be able to take this. Finally, there was a rattling of keys at the door, I watched the handle turn. To my delight, James was back. I got out of bed as quickly as my legs would let me and headed for the door. When he came in, I threw my arms around his waist and held onto him tightly.

  “Please make it stop!”

  James looked at me puzzled and then finally noticed Mr Kemp, who was still reading. James grinned. “Ah… Mr Kemp. Thank you for this evening. I can take it from here,” James said ever so politely.

  “Oh… You’re back. Well Cathy, maybe I will continue where I left off the next time I am here.”

  Coward!

  I knew he would have loved to mention ‘babysitting’ again, but he chickened out. James walked Mr Kemp to the door, said goodnight and shook his hand. He locked the door and came back to me. He looked exhausted as he started to unbuckle the buttons on his shirt in an attempt to get comfortable.

  “How is your leg?” he asked, considerately.

  “OK… How are you?”

  “Ohh-kaay…” he replied, mimicking my accent with a smile.

  “I missed you this evening,” he said.

  “I am sure not as much as I missed you. I know Mr Kemp was here to more or less protect me, but really, who is going to protect me from Mr Kemp?”

  “I will,” he replied quickly as he sat beside me on his bed.

  “Why were you with Richard this evening?” I probed.

  “Richard? Are you two on a first-name basis now?” he replied slowly.

  “Why were you with him?” I asked again, ignoring his question.

  “I met with him to request that he refrain from discussing what happened today with anyone.”

  “Did he agree?”

  “Yes, of course. But it seems like you may have another admirer.”

  “What? No, never!” I replied. I was furious.

  “Oh, before I forget, he had a message for you,” James added. As he got up from the bed and continued to undo his buttons, he made his way to the shower. He held onto the door handle and paused for a moment. “Hmmm, what was it he said. Ah, yes, that’s right. He said, ‘Don’t forget we still need to engrave the locket.’”

  “James. I am so sorry he said that to you. I promise he has nothing to do with the locket. It’s from me and only me.”

  “I know that Catherine. It took everything I had not to strike him and caution him to stay away from you!” James said as he entered the bathroom.

  Why would Richard pass that message through James? What could he possibly achieve by doing so? I wish he had hit him. I don’t know how much more James will take before he realises that I’m not worth all the hassle. Why can’t everything just be normal?

  I got off the bed and started pacing the room, waiting for James to come out so I could explain in more detail what happened. Finally, the water stopped running. I went to the door and waited. As soon as the door opened, I opened my mouth ready to explain. But nothing came out. Again James stood there with no shirt, just long pants. I don’t know how I will ever get used to resisting his incredible body. I forgot what I was going to say and more to the point, how to say it. I was now completely distracted, and he knew it.

  “Catherine?”

  “Sorry, just a bit distracted…” I said with a slight grin.

  “I want to explain,” I added.

  “No need. I know how Richard can be. I should be used to his devices to stir up trouble. I have to insist that you are not to go to his cottage alone ever again.”

  “Of course I promise.”

  “Now, how was your evening with Mr Kemp? Was it really all that bad?”

  “Worse than bad! His reading is awful – more stops and starts than Phar Lap!”

  “We have no choice. He is the only one who knows what’s going on other than us.”

  “Other than you, you mean! Not us! I still don’t have the faintest idea what is going on”.

  James grabbed a t-shirt from his drawer, put it on and sat on his bed. I sat down next to him, grabbed both pillows and placed them behind me, trying to get my injured body comfortable.

  “I pray… I mean I really pray that it will all come back to you. That everything will be clear… You need to consider everything that happens. Do not dismis
s any notion. Think the unthinkable… and at the end of all this, I will be there, with you always.”

  The rest of the evening was spent in silence in James’s arms. Thankful that I have him in my life, I wished that we could remain here forever.

  Neither of us made mention of today’s events, which suited me just fine. Hours had gone by and I didn’t feel tired at all. My second wind must have kicked in about midnight. When James realised what the time was, he turned off the lights and decided that I needed to sleep. It didn’t take long for me to start yawning. I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath and started to think about the advice James had given me earlier – the bit about thinking the unthinkable, and not dismissing any notion.

  After a few moments, my eyelids were heavy, my body was relaxed and only the sounds of breathing could be heard.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  I woke to a throbbing pain in my leg. I guess all the tossing and turning hadn’t helped it. I felt dreadful. Just as well James was still asleep. It was still dark outside, but here in England that wasn’t always a reliable guide of the time. The morning darkness here seemed to linger on. Slowly and quietly I got out of bed. Wanting to look at my leg without disturbing James, I made my way slowly to the bathroom. The pain in my leg was getting worse. I pulled my pants up above my knee so I could see around my bandage. Surprisingly, my leg seemed the same as it was yesterday. I couldn’t see any redness or swelling around the dressing, but it still felt sore. I made my way to the basin. My reflection in the mirror was disheartening. I looked so worn out. I turned the hot water on and let in run for a few seconds, giving it a chance to warm up. Still half asleep, I bent my head down into the basin and with both palms I filled my hands and splashed my face. I stretched out my right arm to grab a hand towel to wipe my face. For no reason, I started feeling apprehensive. I began to tremble… I wasn’t alone.

  Realistically Catherine, there is no way there could be anyone in here with you!

  But things aren’t real anymore…

  Slowly, I pulled the towel from my face. The bathroom had steamed up from the hot water tap. I turned around gradually… I wasn’t able to see anything. I still felt unsure. The air was thick and lacked oxygen. My back was now leaning on the sink. The sound of the running water caught my attention so I turned around and turned the tap off. The bathroom was still steamy. My body was frozen and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I stood there timid and fearful. I prayed for the steam to clear so I could see enough to be able to leave. As the steam started to disappear, I could see that the bathroom mirror had been half-wiped, but not by me. I didn’t want to look directly at it. I didn’t want to see anything.