Undying

by Bernadette Azizi

  “Catherine, are you alright?” James yelled from outside the door.

  The sound of James’s voice gave me the strength to slowly walk to the bathroom door and open it.

  “Is everything alright?” James repeated.

  I turned back to the bathroom, which was now cool and steam free, and the mirror was completely clear and dry.

  “Yes,” I uttered, as I walked passed him back into the bedroom.

  James opened the door wide and looked in the bathroom with suspicion. He knew I was not telling him the truth, I could tell, and I knew that it saddened him, but I had no choice.

  Neither one of us went back to bed. We sat there in silence not knowing what to say. The tension in the room was high.

  “What happened in the bathroom?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it!”

  “You have no choice, Catherine!”

  “I know you’re not oblivious. And I know that you know something happened in there,” I confessed, looking towards the bathroom. “But… I don’t know… This time it was different. I understand this is serious,” I admitted.

  James stood quietly in front of me.

  I decided not to tell him… anyway what was I suppose to say.

  His lips tightened as he tried to compose himself.

  “Yes, this is serious. But I have to say, I preferred it when if you weren’t aware and were still able to be carefree. I wish you could have remained indifferent to all this. It would have been easier for you,” he said.

  I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and love me but he didn’t. He didn’t touch me, and I didn’t know why.

  The holidays finished too quickly. With the students and most of the teachers away for the holidays, James and I had enjoyed less worry about me being caught coming and going from his room. It was a lot harder to get in and out of James’s room, and keep our secret, when the students and teachers were back at the college.

  The day the students arrived back was an unusually sunny day. I put on a summer dress, taking full advantage of the warm weather. Jules and I had become particularly close this break and she was now starting to open up about Dr Simons. I was so happy for them.

  I snuck out of James’s room and headed down to the grounds to meet and greet with the boys as they returned. When I arrived in the foyer, I was stopped by a young boy’s voice yelling “Miss, Miss?” from across the hall. As he ran towards me, I recognised him as Mark, one of my more promising students and Richard Cartwright’s son. He was a very sweet and shy boy, nothing like his father.

  “Yes Mark? Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed your break?” He started to slow down his run as he approached me.

  “Yes, yes Miss. It was splendid. And you?” he asked.

  “Oh, I spent most of my time relaxing here,” I replied.

  “My father is outside. He wanted me to ask if he could speak with you for a moment. I’m not in trouble am I?” the boy asked, clearly nervous.

  “No, of course not. You are a great student!” I replied quickly, setting him at ease. “Come, let’s find your father and you will see that you have nothing to worry about.”

  He nodded nervously and started to lead the way. I had no desire to see Richard, but it was for a good cause. Richard was surrounded, as per usual, by a handful of women trying to get his attention. As soon as we were spotted, he left his fan club and headed towards us.

  “There you are! You are a hard person to get hold of,” Richard said.

  “Mark said you wanted to see me? Is there anything wrong?” I asked.

  “Wrong? No not at all,” he replied.

  “See, I told you!” I said as I squeezed Mark’s arm. He smiled with relief.

  “Wait!” Richard yelled, grabbing my arm as I started to walk away.

  “Richard,” I whispered, shocked by his touch.

  “I’m sorry, please don’t leave. I wanted to speak with you.”

  “What is it?” I asked, trying to sound uninterested.

  “Mark, why don’t you run along? I will see you soon.”

  “Alright”!” was the reply as Mark shuffled off towards the college.

  I looked at Richard with irritation. All those so-called devoted mothers had now given us their undivided attention and that was making me feel very uneasy.

  “Richard, please. Everyone is looking at us now. Can’t this wait?”

  “How is your leg,” he asked, releasing my arm, showing no reaction to what I just said.

  “Better,” I snapped. I was still sore about him telling James about the locket the way he did.

  “I just needed to see you again… Catherine, I can’t stop thinking… about you,” he whispered, looking away almost shy.

  “Mr Cartwright, please stop! I don’t want to hear anymore!” I said conscious that many eyes were on us.

  “Please let me finish. Seeing you that day at the cottage, terrified and hurt was unbearable. I have never cared for anyone’s well being as much as I did that day. What would have happened if I wasn’t there for you,” he added.

  I couldn’t argue. After recent events, he was right. I cannot and do not want to imagine what could have happened to me. My silence seemed to give Richard false hope. He took a step closer to me.

  “I know it may seem… that I enjoy all this attention,” he said looking in the direction of the mothers, “but I don’t. I never have. This is all a charade, but you… this is real, I know the difference. Please don’t leave.” He then took a step closer to me and waited. For what, I wasn’t quite sure.

  “Mr Cartwright! I think your helping me that day at the cottage has given you false feelings towards me. I don’t want to hear anymore. I am going to walk away now. Please let me!”

  I took a second before turning and walking away. I kept my head down as I made my way to the main building, not wanting to see who was still watching. I headed to the main doors, deciding to stay there and greet the boys as they came through. I then cowardly scouted to see if Richard had left. I wasn’t off the hook just yet. He was still standing there, looking in my direction. I looked away quickly; noticing James with his arms crossed taking a defensive stance.

  I hope to God he didn’t see us talking! Who am I kidding? Of course he did and he probably saw Richard grabbing my arm. What am I going to do? I can’t possibly wait until this evening to explain. I need to speak with him now.

  After convincing myself, I headed straight to James. I walked swiftly, not making eye contact with anyone. I passed Richard, who was still watching me, and his eyes followed me towards James. James was now staring straight at Richard with angry eyes. I began to think this was a bad idea, my being here.

  “James?”

  He turned to me then looked away.

  “You should go inside.”

  “Only if you come with me!” I pleaded.

  James looked at me. The firm look on his face melted away as he looked into my eyes. He gave me a smile and nodded. The restraint I had to use, not to hold onto his arm, was incredible. When we arrived at the doors, James turned to me. He looked amazing. With all the tension around us, I hadn’t noticed how beautiful he looked today.

  “I will not be making the same mistake twice, I promise you that!” James whispered.

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.

  James looked around slowly. His calm expression changed quickly when he noticed Richard looking our way.

  “I believe all the boys have made their way in now, and you should also. I will see you later this evening,” he said, taking a step back and making room for me to get past. I slowly looked away from him. Tearing my eyes from his wasn’t easy. My patience was wearing thin, not knowing what I should do.

  The day seemed to drag on longer than usual. James was nowhere to be found and neither was the sun. The rain was relentless. Tired and cold, I made my way to the common room in search of Jules. I needed someone to talk to, even though I couldn’t talk to her specifically about what was going on, I felt r
elaxed and distracted in her company. When I spotted her I made my way to her quickly. She noticed me instantly. Her eyes widened and she waved her arm around for me to notice her, like she required extra assistance to stand out among all these old men.

  “Catherine! There you are. You are a hard person to find.”

  “So I have been told,” I replied and sat down beside her. “How has your day been?” I enquiry.

  “My day? Hmmm… Let me think… Boring compared to yours, from what I hear. I knew you were keeping a secret from me. But I must confess I did not expect it to be this!” Jules cheerfully announced.

  “What?”

  “Now Catherine, there is no need to deny anything. I would be the first to say I know how hard it is to hide feelings for someone you love. But it’s me! You could have told me anything. I would have kept your secret.”

  I was completely taken aback, and she could see it. My mouth was open and nothing was coming out.

  “How long has it been going on for?” she asked excitedly.

  “Jules, I am so sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  “Ah! I am so happy for you both. I knew from the start that you too would make a wonderful couple.”

  “You’re not upset?”

  “Upset? Why would I be?”

  “Keeping it from you, the sneaking around? You don’t think it’s unethical?”

  “Unethical? My dear, you’re dating a student’s father not a student! Mr Cartwright is a very lucky man.”

  A look of shock appeared on my face.

  “Catherine, are you alright? You look a little pale.”

  “Um, uh…”

  What am I supposed to say now?

  “Jules… you won’t tell anyone will you?” I weakly asked.

  “Well, I have to be honest with you. There aren’t many people left that don’t know. Most of the teachers are aware. And the mothers. Oh, you should have heard their tongues wagging in envy this morning. That’s how I found out.”

  “This is awful. I could just die,” I cried.

  “Catherine, what’s this all about? You are not committing a crime. You have fallen in love with a wonderful, charming man. That is perfectly natural. My sympathy now lies with Mr Barclay.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well now that Mr Cartwright is off limits, those women are not going to leave Mr Barclay alone!”

  I smiled against my will. I was dumbfounded. Minutes ago I thought I was doing it tough. What I wouldn’t give to go back to minutes ago.

  “I have to go,” I said, getting up abruptly.

  “Oh, alright. Talk soon…” Jules yelled from across the room.

  I had to find James to let him know what was going on, before anyone else did.

  I went to his office and then his room, but he wasn’t there.

  Where could he be?

  I sat on his bed for a minute, until there was a knock on the door.

  “It’s Mr Kemp! Open the door please.”

  Against my better judgement I opened the door.

  “Cathy? What are you doing here?” Mr Kemp said. I could feel the hatred in his voice instantly.

  “Mr Kemp, now is not a good time. If you don’t mind, I have to find James,” but he ignored me, coming into James’s room and closing the door behind him.

  “Mr Barclay is not on the school grounds, he had to leave,” he said while he looked around the room, avoiding eye contact with me.

  “You told him, didn’t you?”

  “I didn’t have to, everyone is talking about it. Mr Barclay is a great man, a man who I highly respect and will protect.”

  “I’m sorry – I just don’t get you. You’re here now helping us, but I know you hate me. You say you care about us and are protective of James and you know that he loves me, yet you are constantly advising him against being with me. Why?” I asked interested.

  Mr Kemp stopped pacing the room and came towards me, “I don’t hate you and I do want to see Mr Barclay happy, but both of you being safe is of greater importance!

  “How are you even involved? I know there’s something between James and I that is incredible, but what about you? Why does James turn to you for advice, how are you a part of all of this?”

  “You’re just not trying hard enough!”

  “That’s not my fault, nothing makes sense! I think about what’s happened and why, but I always hit a wall; I don’t know what I am suppose to know or remember. I’m scared; there is nothing I want more than to put an end to this all, and to be with James. Please… help me figure it out.”

  “I can’t – it’s not how it works. I don’t make the rules!”

  “What rules? Who makes the rules?”

  I grabbed his arm, something I could have never imagined myself doing.

  “Please, please I’m begging you… Help me. I’m losing everything. I love him with all my heart and I’m being punished for that. Please, give me one more chance. If things aren’t clearer to me… I will back away, but help me”

  Mr Kemp walked away, shaking his head, troubled by my questions.

  “It’s just the way it is,” he said. “James should have never let you come, I warned him. I knew it would end badly. I prayed that you would be oblivious to it all, which you are, but I didn’t count on you falling for him so strongly and being so obstinate.”

  “Mr Kemp… are you saying that you and James knew that all of this was going to happen before I came?”

  “No, not all of it, especially not your dangerous encounters. Mr Barclay would never have put you in harm’s way, but he was so desperate to have you. He went against my advice and look where we are.”

  “Help me! I beg you. Please, help me. Is there anything, anything that you can think of, that can help me figure this out?”

  He didn’t answer me, instead walking towards the window and staring out for a moment, which seemed promising. If I have learnt anything about Mr Kemp, it’s that he speaks his mind and can’t be moved. The fact he hadn’t said no must mean there is something he could tell me, but he isn’t sure if he should.

  He turned back, going to James’s desk, and writing something on a piece of paper.

  “Grab your coat, I want to take you somewhere,” he ordered, shaking his head, mumbling to himself.

  I jumped off the bed, grabbed a coat before he could change his mind and we left the room.

  Mr Kemp’s car was a very old run-down black Bentley; it was dirty and looked like it hadn’t been driven since the 1920s. I tried to keep a straight face, as he adjusted his seat, seat belt, mirrors and everything else. Finally we were off. He drove unexpectedly fast, which reminded me of Richard driving slowly so the journey would last longer. Mr Kemp, I guess must be trying to reduce our time together.

  I didn’t talk while he was driving; he seemed nervous and easily distracted. I wondered where we could be going. For all I knew, he could be taking me to the airport. But I had no choice, I felt as if I was losing James and I needed to take whatever help I could get, even if it was from Mr Kemp.

  After a while longer the car began to slow, I immediately took my seat belt off and impatiently waited for Mr Kemp. He noticed my eagerness and rolled his eyes at me.

  I got out of the car before he had a chance to turn the ignition off.

  “Where are we?”

  “Follow me,” he replied, disregarding my question.

  So I did. The street we walked down was extremely traditional and seemed to be an affluent area. His walkgradually slowed and he started to walk beside me. He didn’t look at me, or speak a word. It seemed he was unsure of what to say.

  “Is something supposed to happen?” I whispered sarcastically.

  Still not speaking, Mr Kemp slowed right down and headed to a bench to sit.

  “You continue down the street, I will catch up with you, I want to sit for awhile,” he said as he sat down.

  ”Walk where?” I am sure he could see the disappointment on my face. I turned around with a huff
and continued up the street.

  Stupid man, why did I believe that he was going to help me?

  I stopped and turned back to see him lying back on the bench with his eyes closed.

  I waited a second, contemplating whether I should continue or go back to the old smelly cigar car. Even though I was disappointed, and there was nothing here for me, I was in no rush to be in the car alone with him.

  I decided to continue. A few minutes into my walk, a terrace across the street caught my attention. It was white with a battered dark-blue door. Intrigued, I crossed over for a better look. It didn’t seem to be occupied, newspapers stuck on the windows and spider webs on the rails made this house stick out for all the wrong reasons. As I stood on the path, I felt an icy-cold chill go through my body and a bitter taste fill my mouth. I pushed opened the iron gate which let out a ear splitting screech and headed towards the door, passing a small overgrown courtyard on my way. As I approached the door I became apprehensive. It had two glass panels that weren’t covered; I slowly brought my face close to the glass. The hallway was long and without light with papers on the floor and furnishings covered with sheets. Then without warning, the door started to shudder. I immediately let go of the door knob unable to pull myself away, I continued to peer through the glass until what seemed like a face slammed itself into the other side of the glass. I pushed myself away from the door in horror and ran back to the path to catch my breath. My heart was racing.

  What in God’s name just happened?

  I crossed over the road and quickly started heading back to the car, where I hoped Mr Kemp was. I wanted to get out of this place. As I approached the car, I could hear shouting. Unexpectedly James was now in sight.

  “James!” What was he doing here?