Undying

by Bernadette Azizi

  “What were you thinking, bringing her here?” James shouted at Mr Kemp.

  “I thought if…” Mr Kemp tried to defend himself, but James didn’t let him finish.

  “What did you tell her?” he growled.

  “Nothing, I would never…” Mr Kemp pleaded.

  “Just because you’re here to enforce the rules, doesn’t mean you can make them. Catherine’s safety is more important than your research!”

  “Where is she?” he added.

  “I’m here,” I quietly answered.

  “Catherine.” James came to me, pulled me close to him, holding me so tight I could feel his heart beating. Why was he so upset? He has never held me this way.

  “Can we leave?” I asked.

  “Yes,” he said with sorrow in his eyes. I was confused, not sure what to make of what just happened. Surprisingly, I felt sorry for Mr Kemp. I know he was trying to help me but James obviously didn’t think so. Once in the car, neither one of us spoke. James was still visibly upset. When we arrived at the college, I followed him to his office. Once inside, he slowly lit the fire and came towards me. I didn’t like the look on his face.

  “James… About Richard?”

  “Catherine, I know what is being said isn’t true. I also believe that our love is powerful and that we can overcome anything. However, I also believe that your life is in danger when we are together. We need to stop this before it’s too late.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “We need to end this. I need to stay away from you. No good can come of this.”

  “No good? No… No… You can’t stop this!”

  James came closer towards me. He had tears in his eyes.

  “Please try to understand,” he said with his lips tightened.

  “No… James! No! Please don’t do this to me. I need you. I don’t want anyone but you.”

  “We are not meant to be together. I understand that now. I promised you I wouldn’t make the same mistake again.”

  I was broken and inconsolable. I stepped away from him slowly.

  “You can’t do this to me,” I pleaded.

  “Catherine…”

  “Don’t!” I shouted, crying now. I placed my hands on his chest. I could feel his heart pounding. I needed to touch him.

  I closed my eyes and moved closer to him, until our bodies were touching. I looked up at him. His face was shattered. But he didn’t want me. In disbelief I left.

  When I got to my room, I was so inconsolable I wanted to scream. I wanted to see something break, anything… other than my heart.

  How could he just give up on us? Weren’t we worth fighting for?

  I felt sick in the stomach; I have never known my life to be so complicated. Could I be anymore unlucky than I am now.

  I sat a while longer, thinking… trying to understand what just happened today. Why did Mr Kemp take me to that street? And why was James so angry? I don’t even know how to begin to make sense of it all. My first thoughts were that Mr Kemp was trying to throw me off, with no intentions of helping me today, but James’s reaction would suggest otherwise. What does that street have to do with me?

  Could Mr Kemp have something to do with all this, other than just being a nuisance.

  I had to see Mr Kemp. I got up and headed for the door. As I opened the door to leave; standing there was the college cleaner, struggling to hold her collection of cleaning equipment.

  “Hi… Mary, You gave me a fright,” I said, startled by her being so close to my door.

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to give you a scare,” she said.

  “I’m fine. Lucky actually, I almost forgot to leave my door unlocked,” I said, trying to be friendly enough so she wouldn’t notice my sadness.

  “Well you would have been the first, no one likes to miss out on having their room cleaned by someone else,” she laughed as equipment started falling out of her hands.

  “Oh!” she cried.

  “Here let me help you.” I bent down and started picking up what had fallen. “Why don’t you bring your trolley down the hallway rather than carrying everything?” I asked impatiently.

  “Trust me, there is nothing I would like more than that, but the hallway is quite narrow and I have upset a few teachers in the past, when they had to walk around my trolley. So now I leave it there out of the way,” she said.

  “Here, I’ll help you take these to the room you’re cleaning, or is it mine?” I enquiry.

  “No, I wish, I’ve just started, I’m heading to Mr Kemp’s,” she said as she started making her way to his room.

  “OK,” I replied and started walking down with her. She kept raving on about how it would be so much easier if her trolley was just outside each door. When we got to Mr Kemp’s door she opened it and walked right in.

  I couldn’t believe I was in his room. It was so messy! Books and papers were everywhere.

  “Where do you want me to put these?” I asked, holding her cleaning products.

  “In the bathroom please, I just have to go back and get the vacuum,” she said as she ran out.

  I quickly placed the products in the bathroom and came back out. My eyes were everywhere, scouting unsure to what I was thinking or planning to do. Was I really thinking about taking something? Hearing the vacuum being dragged down the hallway, I knew I’d better hurry if I was going to snoop. I didn’t want to open any of his drawers, that would be wrong, so I pulled a few papers that were sticking out of a brown leather book on his desk and placed them under my top and immediately walked out.

  “Thank you. I appreciate your help,” Mary said as she walked past me.

  “You’re welcome,” I replied, heading back to my room.

  I threw the papers on my bed and stepped back. What have I done? I felt awful and disappointed with myself. How could I do something like that? How could I possibly ever return them? I couldn’t…

  I began pacing the room, not knowing what to do. This was wrong on so many levels, but it’s done now, I can’t take it back. Maybe it’s nothing important. It could well be a shopping list or scribbles.

  “Damn.” I headed to my bed and picked them up. I sat on my desk and opened them up.

  It was a grid of some sort with the initials J.B. and number 1878. Other letters and numbers were all over the page, but it was too cryptic. Was J.B. for James Barclay? Could this be what James said about Mr Kemp’s research? Why would Mr Kemp be researching James? On another page was an emblem. I paused for a moment. I’ve seen this before… I placed a finger on it and followed the outline, and by heart I knew the design. Where had I seen this before?

  What was I suppose to do with these papers now. I would have to destroy them, but they could be important. I took them and placed them in one of the pockets of my luggage until I could figure out what to do with them.

  I needed to be somewhere other than this room, so I headed to my classroom to find refuge.

  I sat quietly at my desk with my face in my hands until there was a knock on my door.

  “Excuse me Miss, may I speak with you?” called Mark.

  I sat up and brushed my hair from my face and tried to find some composure.

  “Yes Mark, of course.”

  “Um… I’m sorry; I know this is none of my business. But I just want to know. Is it true that you and my father are together?”

  I took a deep breath and tried not to take my devastating afternoon out on him.

  “Mark, has your father said anything to you about us being together?” I enquiry.

  “No… not at all,” he replied quickly.

  “Then what has given you the impression that we are?”

  “I know he likes you… A great deal, and the other students are talking.”

  I gave him a warm smile. There was no need for him to suffer. He had done nothing wrong. What was I supposed to say? I more or less admitted to Jules that I was with Mr Cartwright. This was all Richard’s fault. His public behaviour this morning started
all this. Jealous mothers, wagging tongues and James’s obvious outrage at seeing Richard with me had also contributed.

  “Mark, your father is a gentleman and any woman would be proud to be with him.”

  The words sent a chill down my spine. Mark had a great big smile on his face. He nodded and then left. Once the door was closed, tears ran down my face. I knew that this game I was about to play could hurt many people, but I had no choice. Jules had thought it, I had stupidly admitted to it, the school was talking about it and Mr Cartwright wants it. And now I was hoping that James would be so jealous that he would want me back.

  I stayed in the classroom for a few more hours. The room was getting darker and colder as the minutes passed. James and Mr Kemp had forbidden me from being alone, but I guess it didn’t matter anymore. Exhausted, I headed back to my room. The halls were empty, silent and cold, just like I was feeling right now. As I reached the top of the stairs to our rooms, I had to walk past James’s room to get to mine. It didn’t feel normal to me. I belong in there with him. Just this morning we woke up in each other’s arms, feeling warm and safe. I got to his door and stood there for a moment, touching the door as I closed my eyes closed for a second. It was unbearable. I needed a plan, and quickly, to get me back with the man I love. I was so worn out. I didn’t even have the energy to change my clothes. When I got into bed, it was cold and my room seemed unfamiliar, bringing back memories of my first day here. What was I going to do about this mess I had gotten myself into? Just the look on Mark’s face confirmed that he would tell Richard that I didn’t deny the rumors. I have to figure out what to do before Friday when Mark heads home. Only four days. It will definitely get back to James that I am with Richard. I feel like I am back at school, playing childish games to get what I want. I am willing to do just about anything to get him back.

  I grabbed a pillow and held on to it, wishing it was James. I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.

  I woke up unusually early the next morning, with memories of last night’s dream fresh in my mind. I had not had a single dream in the months while I was with James. It was strange that now, the first night that we were not together, the dreams, nightmares even, had started again.

  Even though it was still quite early, I decided to get up and have a shower. I wanted to make sure that I looked my best in case James and I crossed paths. As I left my room, Jules was also leaving hers.

  “Morning, Jules.”

  “Good morning, Catherine.” She wore a suspicious smile on her face. “Are we seeing someone special today? Perhaps… Mr Cartwright?”

  “No, I am not seeing anyone today,” I said with a bogus smile.

  “I was talking to Dr Simons last night about all four of us going to dinner this Friday evening in the village?”

  “Four of us,” I repeated surprised.

  “Yes, Dr Simons, myself, you and Mr Cartwright.”

  “Oh… Right… um, I don’t know. I really don’t know when I will be speaking with him again.”

  “Oh, I don’t expect you to invite him. I will have Dr Simons call him and make the arrangements. Once I can convince him that you are with Mr Cartwright!”

  “What?”

  “Dr Simons refuses to believe that you and Mr Cartwright are an item. I must say, he was quite adamant I had it all wrong.”

  “Oh well, I guess it was a shock to some. I need to see him today about my leg, and I will talk with him then.”

  “Oh would you dear? That would be lovely. I need to run. I have to go to the library before my class. I will see you later at lunch. Goodbye,” she said as she ran past me.

  “Bye.”

  “Good morning Cathy. I trust you slept well?” Mr Kemp asked as he approached me from behind. I continued to lock my door without responding.

  “I hope you’re not mad at me. In time you will see that this is for the best, and everything is the way it should be. Well, it will be when you return to Australia.”

  “You are an awful man. Everything is not the way it should be. I am not with James!” I whispered back, angrily.

  “Yes… but you are now with Mr Cartwright and you are not tempting fate by being with Mr Barclay.”

  “I am not with…” I stopped. It wasn’t worth it, he had made up his mind about James and I and there was nothing I could do about it.

  “I have to go,” I added.

  “The offer of changing rooms is still on the table!” he howled down the hall.

  I couldn’t get away from him quick enough. I headed straight to Dr Simons’ room, which was near my classroom, knowing he spent most mornings there reading the paper to avoid interruption. In my haste, I dropped my folder and all my papers at the entrance to the main foyer and the wind from outside sent them flying. I got down on the floor and gathered what I could while they were still within arm’s reach before running around reception like a fool collecting the rest. I piled them all up while sitting on the floor. Luckily for me, I had worn trousers today.

  “Are these yours?” a voice asked from outside.

  I looked up, pulling my hair away from my face to see who it was.

  “Here, please let me help you.”

  It was Richard, standing over me with his hand out. Seeing him today had not been in the plan, but there was no backing out now. I had to make this plan work. It’s not like I was hurting him. He has everything going for him: wealth, looks and a fan club.

  “Thank you,” I said as I took his hand to be helped up.

  “We really have to stop meeting like this. I seem to find you on the ground more than on your feet, Catherine.”

  “Hmmm, I’m just clumsy. I was in hurry, and my folder, and the wind…” I muttered as I momentarily forgot the English language.

  “I spoke to Mark last night. Look, I am not going to dance around this. Mark told me of your conversation yesterday.”

  “Ah-ha…” I nodded shyly, still unprepared.

  His smile was indescribable. It forced me to smile against my will. He was dressed more casual than usual, and I suspected he had been in a hurry to get here.

  I fiddled with my papers, feeling awkward and guilty about what I was planning.

  “Catherine, please, if there is even a slight chance that you do not completely hate me, you have to tell me?”

  I was puzzled with his question and was unsure how to respond so I took a second, but that didn’t help, it was impossible to escape his eyes to think.

  “I don’t hate you,” I muttered.

  He then took a deep breath and smiled.

  “This weekend, I will be in Bath at my family home… Join me?”

  “What I… I… I don’t know.”

  “Please… No expectations, just your company. You will have your own room, of course. No one needs to know. Mark is staying with friends this weekend, so he won’t know, and I will have a driver pick you up.”

  “No, you can pick me up,” I interrupted. “But in the evening, after all the boys have gone home.”

  He seemed more shocked than I could have ever predicted. The look of hope in his eyes had never made me feel ashamed of myself.

  “Friday it is. I will wait for you right here at 8,” he said, his eyes warm and in high spirits.

  “Friday at 8. I’ll be here,” I agreed.

  He paused for a moment, then nodded and left. He seemed different, not his usual arrogant, confident self. There was a more vulnerable side to him that I hadn’t seen before. Nevertheless, I needed to have James here on Friday, just before 8, to see me leaving with Richard, so he could stop me. Finally, I had a plan. There was a small risk that it may not work, and so I was going to need some help from Dr Simons.

  As predicted, Dr Simons was in his room, reading the paper. As soon as he noticed me he instantly became anxious.

  “Dr Simons, can I speak with you?” I whispered from the doorway.

  “Yes, of course. I would like to speak with you too.”

  I went in and closed the door behind me
.

  “Ladies first,” he said politely, closing his newspaper and putting it aside to give me his full attention.

  “Dr Simons, I don’t know where to begin,” I had tears in my eyes.

  “Oh dear, I don’t know much about love, but I do know that Mr Barclay loves you dearly.”

  I looked up and wiped my eyes. “I know,” I replied, sobbing. “Mr Cartwright has feelings for me too, and everyone in the college seems to know that.”

  Dr Simons nodded.

  “But I don’t have the same feelings for him. I love James and only James, nothing can change that. Jules, Mr Kemp and the entire college all think I’m with Richard.”

  “Catherine, Jules said you admitted to having feelings for Mr Cartwright.”

  “Jules came to me and told me she knew everything. I thought she was talking about James so I agreed, only to realise she had been talking about Richard. I didn’t know what to say.”

  “My dear girl, I am so sorry. Can I help?”

  I looked at him and nodded.

  “Yes… yes you can. James needs to see me with Richard, so he can see how wrong it is, and that I belong with him and no one else.”

  Dr Simons started to shake his head from side to side.

  “I don’t know…”

  “Richard has asked me to go to Bath with him this weekend, and I have accepted. He is picking me up in the foyer this Friday at 8. You need to make sure James is here to see Richard and I leaving together.”

  “Oh, this is all too exciting for me. I don’t know if I can be a part of it.”

  “You have to! James will not let me go with Richard. And Richard… well, he will be OK.”

  “Will he?”

  “I have made no promises to him.”

  “Except to spend the weekend with him! Don’t you think that means something?”

  “I have no choice!” I pleaded.

  “Alright, alright, please don’t get upset. I will attempt to get Mr Barclay to the main foyer at 8 o’clock this Friday evening,” Dr Simons promised.

  I couldn’t contain my joy. I jumped up to hug and kiss him on the cheek.

  “Thank you, thank you!”

  “Don’t thank me just yet, Catherine. Let’s see how this plan of yours works first, shall we?”