Undying

by Bernadette Azizi

  “I know James will not want me to spend the weekend with Richard. He won’t have a choice but to stop it.”

  “What about Jules?”

  “Oh… I’m sorry, I just couldn’t tell her. I feel awful that I have kept James and I a secret for so long. I just don’t know how to tell her anymore. And besides, she is now under the impression that it’s Richard I am with.”

  “Your secret is safe with me. Mr Barclay is a brilliant man and I know he loves you. I learnt that the day you went for your run and hurt your leg.”

  Dr Simons paused for a moment and then continued. “Catherine, I do not completely know your story with James, and for some odd reason I sense there is an incredible story there, but I do wonder if James ending things between you was for the best.”

  “What?” I was horrified.

  “Please hear me out. I don’t doubt your love for each other. It’s just that Mr Barclay is a very intelligent man, and he knows what he is talking about. Have you ever considered that this may be for the best?”

  “No, never! I would rather die than have a life without him.”

  “Catherine, please don’t say that.”

  “It’s the truth!”

  “Alright, there will be no more talk of not being with Mr Barclay or dying?”

  CHAPTER NINE

  The rest of the week was awful. My nights were filled with perplexing nightmares. I used to take solace in my dreams of Victoria, but lately I only seem to have disturbing images of Charles Barton and a sense of Victoria’s despair and sadness. The lack of sleep, compounded by the anticipation of Friday, was taking its toll on me. I felt paranoid and suspicious. I avoided Jules and everyone else as much as I could, spending most of my spare time at the stables with the horses or sitting in my room reading. Avoiding Jules was upsetting as we had gotten very close and having to keep my love for James from her felt unfair. Not to mention that I had been dishonest to her about my relationship with Richard. I felt I had so much weight on my shoulders and at any moment everything would come tumbling down around me.

  I have to see this through. My plan has to work! I will make everything right with Jules. No more lies!

  The bell interrupted my heroic declaration. I knew that in just a few hours I would be seeing James and he would be seeing me with Richard. I closed my eyes to compose myself. Thankfully, my students were oblivious to my private meltdown, and carried on as they would on any other day. When my classroom was finally empty, I packed my things and headed straight for my room. If I looked the way I felt, I was sure that neither Richard, James nor even my ghost would want me.

  I had become an expert at getting from my classes to my room without being spotted. As I got to my room, I locked the door and dropped my books on the desk. I sat down for a moment to catch my breath. I had only a few hours to compose myself and be ready. Exhausted and drained, I lay on my bed for a while, thinking of the days, not so long ago, that James used to lie with me. I remembered the feelings of safety and happiness that came from that. I imagined those days again and the warmth of James’s body next to mine, the sweet smell of his skin and his loving eyes watching over me. My heart was aching for all that I had lost. There were nights were we didn’t fall asleep until morning, nights spent talking about my life in Australia. He was a gentleman in every sense of the word. He was also very serious but, on rare occasions, he would reveal his humorous side; his jokes were funny because they weren’t funny. I remembered the first time I saw him at the door to my room, and the instant connection I felt. One thought continually came back to me: the mystery that I had failed to work out. It seemed like a lifetime ago when I was haunted by voices and unexplained experiences. It all seemed to end when James left me.

  Was he right to leave? Was my life in danger being with him? Why? And his love for me was that so strong that he could let me go for my own well-being? I want him back!

  I needed a diversion. I thought about Victoria but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do my story any justice. My feelings about Victoria were now making me feel dejected and confused, thoughts of happiness and contentment for her and Jonathon were evident, but an anxiousness about what lay ahead meant I just didn’t want to go there.

  I have trusted my thoughts and dreams in the past to guide me, but now all I feel is confusion.

  I got off my bed and looked at my cupboard mirror. Just as I thought, I looked as bad as I felt. I headed straight for the shower. Even though I had plenty of time I rushed it, because I just couldn’t relax.

  After my shower, I gave myself a long-needed facial and blow-dried my hair. I put on a new navy wool dress that I had bought before I left Sydney. It came to just above the knee, was body hugging and it hung low on my chest. The sleeves were long, right to the palm of my hand. I put on my tan leather high-heel boots. With an hour to spare, I styled my hair, put on some natural make-up and sprayed on James’s favorite perfume. I grabbed an overnight bag but didn’t bother to put anything in it. I was confident that I was not leaving the grounds tonight. The bag was only there to add to the charade.

  By 7.45, my nerves were setting in. I hadn’t seen James for days. We were about to see each other and I couldn’t wait. My heart was racing. I didn’t know how I was going to control myself and stick to the plan that was now starting to seem stupid and reckless. At 7.55, I ran to my window. Sure enough, a black car had just pulled up. The driver’s door opened and a man ran to the back of the car with an umbrella, opening the door. Richard got out, dressed quite formally. I instantly felt ill. This idea of mine had just become real! What was I supposed to say to him when I didn’t leave with him and ran into James’s arms instead? Will he know he was set up and that I am an awful person who doesn’t care about his feelings? My head started to spin for a second – a second that I didn’t have to spare. I quickly moved away from the window, grabbed my empty bag and headed down to the foyer once there I could now see the three of them standing in the foyer just as planned. Richard was facing my way, James had his back to me and Dr Simons was off to the side, between these two giants.

  “James, good evening,” Richard said, as he was straightening his jacket. “You look rather tired,” he continued.

  “Why are you here?” James asked bluntly.

  “Me? I have come to collect someone.”

  “Mark?”

  “No, not Mark… Catherine, actually.”

  As he said those words my heart, mouth and bag dropped to the floor. With the sound of my bag smacking on the floor, all eyes slowly turned to me. Richard spotted me first, then Dr Simons and lastly James. I was looking at James and only James. Our eyes never strayed. My heart strangely started to beat slower rather than faster, as if I was dying.

  I wish.

  The shock and regret in his stare wounded me I didn’t know what to say or do. I just stood there, numb to it all. James’s eyes slowly left mine and went to the floor.

  “Michael, please take Catherine’s bag to the car,” Richard said to his driver.

  “No… I will,” James announced. He proceeded to walk towards me with slow and heavy steps.

  Why is he offering to take my bag? Why isn’t he telling Richard that I won’t be going?

  I started fidgeting as James approached me. My nerves were obvious for all to see. Dr Simons had started a conversation with Richard, to distract him, I guess. But it wouldn’t be enough. I needed more time and some privacy to speak with James. It was too late. James was now standing directly in front of me. He had blocked my view of everyone. His lips were slightly opened, but nothing came out. I could see he was holding back. I tried with all the strength that I had in me not to cry but it wasn’t enough. I could feel my eyes starting to swell.

  “This could be a good thing,” he whispered.

  “Are you mad!? James, make this stop… I don’t want to go!” I said with my voice trembling, “Help me!” I cried.

  After a slight pause, he replied.

  “I am.” His voice was fu
ll of sadness. He reached out and grabbed my bag. He looked at me, confused. Embarrassed and inconsolable I snatched my bag from him.

  “Catherine?” he questioned, obviously noticing that my bag was light.

  “I wasn’t supposed to go,” I whimpered.

  “Catherine, we should be going. I have made dinner reservations!” Richard called out from across the hall.

  I wiped my tears as I walked away, helpless. Richard and the driver were now outside. I walked past Dr Simons and looking down, I shook my head with disappointment. I turned back to see if James was looking at me, but he wasn’t. He had his back turned to me, so I made my way to the car to leave.

  “You are so beautiful,” Richard said to me as he opened the car door.

  “Thank you,” I replied sadly. Knowing there were tears in my eyes, I looked away and avoided eye contact.

  As the car drove off, I felt empty and alone. My plan hadn’t worked.

  Does James want me to be with Richard?

  Here I was, feeling sorry for everyone because there was a chance they could be hurt by me, but the only person I should have felt sorry for was me. I sat close to the door and stared out the window for the entire journey. I didn’t make any conversation with Richard at all. I knew I was being rude, but I didn’t care. I had no one to impress.

  I put my arm around my stomach and tried to relieve the dull feeling that I had. Richard noticed straight away and looked at me alarmed.

  “Are you unwell?” he asked, concerned.

  I took a deep breath.

  “Tired I guess. I don’t think I could eat anything this evening,” I mumbled. At least I had the courtesy to look him in the eyes.

  “I understand,” he replied, with a warm smile. I nodded and then went back to my window.

  What did he understand? Did he understand that I was heartbroken? That I didn’t want be here with him? That he was just part of a plan to make James jealous? Or did he just understand that I was not in the mood to eat?

  The car slowed down considerably. We were now driving through a small town. The road was narrow; there were many boutiques but not many people out and about. I tried to resist the town’s charm but I couldn’t, it was so beautiful. The first street we went down was lined with identical English terraces, one after the other. It looked like something out of Mary Poppins. I felt like I knew this area, and knew it well. I continued to stare out the window, enjoying the scenery. The streets were immaculately clean. As we passed laneways, I could see restaurants and shops and people walking around. I felt a rush of excitement being in this beautiful place. I could see Richard smiling out of the corner of my eye. I supposed he was happy to see me rejoin the human race.

  “Would you like to go for a walk down the main street?” Richard asked.

  With anyone else, I wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes.

  “Oh I don’t know,” I stupidly answered.

  “It’s only a short walk and it’s not raining. It would be ludicrous if we didn’t!”

  He smiled as he nodded to his driver, who immediately pulled over to the side. Richard’s door was opened and he got out. I still had not decided if I wanted to go or not, but despite this, Richard’s hand was now stretched out to help me out. I gave him my hand and got out of the car. The air was fresh and frosty and the wind brushed my face. I closed my eyes for a second to enjoy the purity of the breeze. When I opened my eyes, Richard was standing close to me. Staring down at me with a smile, I brushed my hair away from my face and walked around him.

  “Shall we?” he said as he bent his arm for me to hold onto. Remembering Mary Poppins and the innocence of the movie, I grabbed onto his arm.

  “Are you cold? Should I grab your jacket for you?”

  “No! I mean, um… I didn’t really pack one. I was rushed and I forgot quite a few things. I’m not cold,” I lied.

  “Excuse me, Catherine. I need to have a word with my driver, won’t be a minute.”

  While Richard spoke with the driver, I tried to imagine myself in Sydney on a hot summer’s day, sweating and frying in the heat, in an attempt to feel warm. It didn’t work. I was so cold my body was now trembling.

  Having finished speaking to the driver, Richard grabbed my arm with a smile and showed me the way. We started to walk through the streets that he knew well. The whole area was all in the same type of stone, similar to sandstone, and the streets were quiet. Not many people were walking around. The air was icy cold and I was sure Richard must have noticed my arm shaking. Surprisingly, the boutiques were high-end and all still trading at this late hour. With modern cafés and restaurants, the buildings were very deceiving. There was a blend of old and new boutiques, a little old-fashioned sweet shop and antique furniture shops. I felt like we had stepped back in time.

  I turned away and saw an elderly man taking a photo of his wife in front of an extraordinary church. They swapped positions and the wife took a photo of her husband. They were laughing and looked so in love. I let go of Richard’s arm and walked over to them.

  “Excuse me, would you like me to take a photo of the two of you together?” I asked.

  “Oh… yes please. That would be wonderful!” The lady handed me their camera, grabbed her husband and started to organise where they were going to stand for the picture. I smiled patiently.

  Richard walked up from behind me and whispered into my ear. “Do you know how to work one of those things?” he asked sarcastically. I ignored him.

  “We’re ready!” I took the picture for them and took another one to be on the safe side.

  “Oh, thank you my dear. It was so kind of you to do that for us,” the elderly man said.

  “That’s fine.”

  “You’re a very lucky young man. You have a beautiful woman there,” the old man said to Richard.

  “And so do you. Good evening,” Richard nodded with a smile, then took hold of my hand and led me further down the street. I was caught off-guard and didn’t know how to take it back. I tried to remember Mary Poppins and the chimney sweep to keep my mind off the fact that I was holding hands with him.

  We entered the most charming little café that had a few chairs and tables outside. We went in and immediately felt the warmth of the restaurant. Richard raised his hand and a man came out, ecstatic to see him.

  “Good evening, Mr Cartwright. It is so wonderful to see you again,” the man said. He had a strong French accent, was short and very welcoming.

  “Thank you Christopher.”

  “Can I trouble you for two of your famous hot chocolates?”

  “Of course! Please, sit wherever you like,” he answered.

  “I know that we English folk, for centuries, have been famous for our tea drinking, but this hot chocolate is… well… I will let you judge for yourself.”

  Richard made his way to a lounge in front of a roaring fire; he must have noticed me shaking outside. Nevertheless I couldn’t get to it fast enough.

  Richard turned to face me.

  “Are you warm?”

  “Yes, thank you. This café is beautiful. It has a very cosy feel to it. It’s lovely.”

  “I agree. This café has been here as long as I can remember.” Our drinks arrived, but I didn’t feel like it. I still had a dull pain in my stomach because of everything that had happened this evening and was anxious at what was yet to come. He looked at me surprised that I hadn’t tried my drink.

  “Catherine, I’m sorry, I should have asked you what you wanted to have rather than ordering for you,” he said and raised his hand to get a waiter’s attention.

  I quickly grabbed his hand and brought it back down. He face seemed to be pleasantly surprised by me touching his hand, so I quickly let go and grabbed my glass with a red face.

  “Richard, this is fine. Really.”

  He finally looked away from me, shaking his head with an expressionless face.

  “Is something the matter?” I asked.

  “No… not at all,” he replied but I knew s
omething was.

  Our time in the café was awkward. There were moments of silence where Richard would sit quietly and just stare at me. To escape his gaze, I would look away and stare at everything that was around me. Luckily for me, there was a lot to look at: the painting, lighting and mirrors were mixed together quite tastefully. The music was French, which was calming. The café was full; all the patrons were dressed in accordance with the cool weather and took pleasure in the warmth of the café. Every so often I would feel ill that I was here alone with Richard, and not with James. I couldn’t possibly begin to imagine what James would be thinking now. I tried to recall our last encounter but it was too hard, I was being watched and I needed to close my eyes to remember his face, his words.

  Forgive me James.

  “There hasn’t been one person who has noticed you tonight who did not smile,” said Richard interrupting my thoughts.

  “What? You’re being silly!” I replied, looking away.

  “Really, I am the envy of Bath tonight!” he declared.

  I shook my head and giggled against my will.

  “Would you like to leave now?”

  “Yes… please.”

  With a wave goodbye to Christopher, we were off. When we got back to the car, Richard opened the door to let me in and went around to the other side and let himself in. We drove a short while until we reached our destination, his home. As we passed the iron gates and drove up the steep driveway, I couldn’t help but feel anxious. All this time, I was thinking of Mary Poppins, but I don’t ever recall her spending the weekend alone with Bert at his home. Suddenly, everything I had forgotten about was now in front of me.

  Why am I here and what is Richard expecting?

  My thoughts were interrupted by the car coming to a halt. It wasn’t until I got out of the car that I noticed the house.

  Oh my god! This can’t possibly be his house! It stood two-storeys high and three houses wide, with countless windows at the front. Through every window you could see a chandelier lighting up each room, giving an impression that the house had one hundred guests in it already. There were six pillars at the front of the house and two on either side. I found myself smiling, my eyes wide open to take it all in. Not so much shocked by the grandness but intrigued.