Scalding Hot Chocolate

by Jaliza A. Burwell

  “Shit.” Bryce understood his mistake right away.

  I may have told Koen a lot about life, but the one thing I had kept from him was that I went to a therapist. I had been afraid of how that would change things in regard to my case. Panic filled me to the core and drawing in air became difficult. The twins were having so much fun, but did these guys really want someone who could potentially turn psychotic in their home? The first time I told my stepmother about my decision to see a therapist flashed through my mind. The way her lips curled in disgust, how she turned her head as if I were an embarrassment. And anytime I tried to bring up my sessions with her, how she brushed me off or interrupted me so that I didn’t embarrass her.

  Or the time I told one of my exes about my sessions. That hadn’t gone over well with him either. I was pretty sure he expected me to turn into one of those psycho stalkerish girlfriends. Or when I told who I had thought was a good friend of mine. She quickly spread those rumors around in high school and I was isolated from everyone.

  Every time I tried opening up to someone about it, it blew up in my face. It became another deeply rooted fear of mine.

  I fisted the fabric of my dress, glaring down at my hands and the way they turned white.

  “Maybe it’s time we go.” I moved to stand up, wanting to nip this in the bud before they hurt my feelings. After Felix’s rejection, I wasn’t in the mood for any more this week.

  “Sit down,” Koen said in a low voice.

  My body betrayed me, and it sat down without my permission.

  Koen came over and kneeled in front of me, taking in my expression. “Stop looking like that, like we’re about to kick you out.”

  “What’s wrong with Sissy?” Lawson asked.

  “She’s just overthinking everything,” Dayton answered. “Go, it’s your turn.” With Dayton distracting them, I was able to climb out of the dark hole of despair I fell into.

  Koen grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze to get my attention. “Please, ignore Bryce’s slip-up. I know we are. The twins are hungry, and you need to eat too. So we’re going to enjoy the rest of our evening. We like having you guys here, and we don’t want you to leave early. Please, don’t overthink it.”

  His words and his expression screamed sincerity. They weren’t going to reject me, though I didn’t completely think it was over. They could be acting the perfect host, taking care of us, and then the moment we left, they’d want nothing to do with us. They’d look at me like I was a stranger or something broken that couldn’t be fixed.

  I wasn’t broken, darn it.

  “I’m hungry,” I said.

  Koen shot me a small smile. “Good girl. Remember, each slice of pizza has to be matched with salad.”

  “I know,” I grumbled, doing my best to not roll my eyes. That’d be too much of a five-year-old move, and I couldn’t be seen acting even younger than the twins. Plus, I needed to set an example with them. So I grabbed a paper plate, grabbed a slice of a cheesy meat lovers pizza and then did a scoop of salad, doing my best to grab mainly lettuce and cucumbers, ignoring all the other bits in it. When the others were distracted with the game or getting their own food, I grabbed the salad dressing—Italian—and drowned my salad with it. I even sacrificed a couple pieces of meat from my slice of pizza and put it on top.

  “Your turn,” Lee said, and I grabbed my controller to roll the die. When I turned to my plate to take a bite, there was an interloper on my dish. A green pepper managed to sneak its way on. I shot a glare at Koen, who only raised an eyebrow in challenge.

  I huffed, made sure to mix the green pepper with a bunch of lettuce and a cucumber drowned in dressing. I never chewed something so quickly and even risked choking. It was worth the risk as I quickly got the food down, did a shot of my water to wash it away and then rewarded my taste buds with something better. A yummy bite into the pizza.

  The torture was so worth it. This pizza had to be the best I’d had in a long while. The rest of my meal went just like that. I managed to eat three pieces of pizza, to the shock of Bryce, Dayton, and Koen, and that meant three small bowls of salad. Without the salad, I could have eaten an extra two slices all on my own.

  When bedtime approached, it became an ordeal to get the twins ready to leave. They wanted to stay longer. I’d had to threaten them with no games tomorrow, and only books to read. That had gotten them moving.

  “Maddie?” Bryce grabbed my attention as the other two helped put the sleepy twins into the car. They were so nice like that. I didn’t even ask. They just swooped up the six-year-olds and carried them off.

  It was heartwarming to see the twins curl into their bodies, arms wrapped around their necks. They were so comfortable with these men. In most cases, they were shy and reserved with strangers. These guys must have a secret power. They were children whisperers.

  “Yes?” I asked Bryce, feeling a little uncomfortable. He worked with Dr. Adam after all. He was part of my life that I tried to keep on the downlow, and I didn’t like that he knew of such an intimate weakness of mine.

  “I wanted to apologize about earlier. Seeing you took me off guard. I didn’t expect to see you here with your twins. I would never go around and talk to anyone about you. I hadn’t even given the guys any details, not that I know anything about your sessions with Dr. Lunsted. And they’re respecting your wishes and hadn’t bothered asking. They know the rules.” He blew out a breath. “I guess I’m rambling right now. I do want to apologize, and I feel bad for outing you like that about something you should have had the choice to talk about or not.”

  “Bryce. Shut up.”

  His mouth clamped shut.

  “Thank you, and I accept your apology.” I glanced at the other two men as Dayton said something that got Lawson and Lee laughing. “I don’t know what to think right now. My family’s background means that they don’t approve of me seeing a therapist. They see it as a weakness and a dark stain.”

  “They’re stupid,” Bryce said, and I whipped my head around to gape at him. His expression was serious, a little solemn as he said, “People who are strong enough to admit they need a little guidance are the strongest people around. Seeing a therapist isn’t something you should be ashamed of. It means that you know you need help and you’re willing to do what you can to get it. You’re willing to work on yourself. Mental health is just as important, if not more so, than anything else. You’re a fighter, Maddie, and you’re doing everything you can to win.” He reached out and wrapped his hand around my forearm. Giving it a light squeeze, he said, “Keep up the good work.”

  Koen strolled over and held out his hand. “Let me see your phone.”

  I blinked at him. He just kept his hand out, waiting patiently.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “So he can give you our phone numbers, duh,” Dayton said, joining us. “It’s not fair that you only have his.”

  My head whipped around to look at the three of them. “Isn’t that, I don’t know, a conflict of interest?”

  “How so?” Bryce asked.

  “Well, I mean, Dayton is my kids’ teacher, Koen is going to be my lawyer for a case, and you work with my therapist.”

  “You’re overthinking this again,” Koen said. “First off, you’re not Bryce’s patient so that doesn’t matter. Second, I’m a partner in my firm. If I think we need to, someone else can take over your case. And third, Dayton is a human being too. He can interact with people outside of the classroom. He’s only a teacher when he’s at school.”

  “Yeah!” Dayton spoke up, sounding offended. “I’m more than just a teacher, and frankly, you’re a breath of fresh air compared to having only these butt munchers to interact with every day.”

  My mouth popped open, and I was speechless. I didn’t know how to take their response. They wanted to interact with me more often.

  Sensing my struggle, Koen said, “Phone.” On autopilot, I dug it out of my coat and handed it over to him after unlocking it. His fingers flew across the sc
reen as he added in Dayton’s and Bryce’s contacts.

  “Does this mean we’re friends?” I asked.

  “Of course,” Dayton said and pulled me into a hug. “And friends get to hug. Drive safe and let us know when you get home.” He squeezed me again before disappearing inside the house.

  Koen handed my phone back. “Have a good night.” He sent me a smile and followed after Dayton. I stared after the two of them, still a bit speechless.

  Bryce chuckled, his dimples on display again. Wasn’t fair. He needed to put those dangerous things away. “If I’d known you were coming over, I would have come home sooner. Don’t be a stranger and come visit again. We enjoyed playing with Lawson and Lee. They’re good kids.” He reached out and grabbed a loose strand of my hair, running his finger along it. “You’re doing a good job.”

  My feet needed to move, needed to take me to my car to get going, but they didn’t want to listen to me. Bryce saw the struggle and gave me a gentle nudge in the right direction. Once my feet moved, it was easier for them to keep moving. Bryce stayed on the small porch and watched as I climbed into the car and drove away.

  The twins passed out right away, and I groaned. Getting them into my apartment was a big challenge as I woke them up and then helped them zombie shuffle to my apartment and into their beds. They were so tired, I didn’t bother with their nightly routine. I’d get them in the morning.

  Grabbing my phone, I stared at the three new contacts. I created a group message that simply said I’m home safe.

  Their replies were instant.

  Good.

  Sleep well, Maddie.

  Goodnight.

  I grinned for the rest of the night.

  Chapter Eleven

  I never thought I’d set foot inside of a church. The need to avoid it was only cemented when my mom got sick and I had to take care of her and watch her fade away. It was hard to believe in God after that, and I had no interest in finding God. But the twins. Church was something Mandy did with them, and if going meant they could use that as a way to reconnect with their mother, then that meant I’d go with them.

  Old South Church was one of the oldest churches just off of the Copley stop on the Green Line. Every Sunday, at nine in the morning, they held First Worship. The church itself was gorgeous and became a Boston landmark known for its High Victorian Gothic architecture. Whenever I saw the building, I always imagined an old mansion taken over by vampires. They had the towers and the pointed rooftops to go along with the image.

  We waited outside. Lee stayed at my side, uncomfortable with the amount of people passing us to go inside. Lawson was hopping around, excited. Me? I was ready to leave.

  “There you are,” Koen said, coming over. He wore a nice suit and yet it was completely different than the lawyer suits I was used to seeing him in. There was an extra layer of formality to it.

  “Fancy.” I smirked and looked him over.

  “Thank you.” He smiled at Lee at my side. “Looking good, little guy.”

  That drew Lee out from behind me. “Thank you. Sissy helped me with my tie, but I was able to do everything else on my own.”

  Koen nodded. “I needed Dayton to help me with my tie.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Ties are annoying.”

  Lee’s eyes widened. “Right! Why do we need them? I don’t get them.”

  That drew Lawson’s attention away from the squirrel he was trying to corner against the building. “Are you joining us?”

  “I am. Should we go in and get seats before they fill up?” he asked.

  “Yes.” Lawson grabbed my hand and pulled me along. Koen made sure to herd Lee in with us.

  Inside was just as beautiful and attractive as the outside, with rows and rows of benches for people to settle down in and warm colors. The acoustics were amazing as people’s conversations bounced around the massive empty space. Stained glass windows filtered in the sunlight and twinkled. We found a spot in the middle. The weather had warmed up, so I retired our coats for jackets. I held on to theirs as we got comfortable. Koen settled in on the outside, near the aisle, and we kept the two kids between us. Lee went right to exploring the booklets they had tucked in the back of the pew in front of us. I took out my phone to snap pictures.

  I sent one of just Lawson and Lee to Kenni. Otherwise, she’d be mad I didn’t send her any.

  “No more pictures,” Lawson complained.

  “No can do,” I said. “You’re too handsome to not take any.”

  And they were adorable, wearing their black suits with ties and having their black hair slicked back away from their cherubic faces. Their amber eyes were wide with curiosity as they looked around the church in awe. I snapped another picture, managing to get Koen in the background. He looked at them with a hint of adoration in his expression. I knew exactly how he felt. It ended up being a really good picture. One meant for the photo album. That one I sent to the guys.

  They look like handsome little men. Why do they grow so fast? And yes, I’m including Koen. I couldn’t help it and giggled as I hit send.

  Dayton was the first to reply with: They’re going to drive the girls crazy when they’re older.

  Quickly, I replied back. Don’t say that! They’re too young.

  Dayton’s reply had me laughing. If you’re going by how Koen is, then they’re definitely going to be heartbreakers.

  I didn’t want to think about them at that age where they were interested in girls. I shuddered at the thought. Did they really expect me to give them the sex talk? I wasn’t so sure I’d be the best person for that. I never even received one of them. I had to figure it out on my own through careful and enlightening research on the internet—which I quickly learned was a very bad idea—and through sex education at school. There was something lacking about the sex education in our school systems. It amounted to “don’t do it” and “abstinence is best.” That was just asking for kids to do it. Maybe I could make Kenni give it to them instead. Fortunately, I still had time to figure it out since they were only six.

  “Should I bother looking?” Koen asked, his phone in his hand. I could hear it buzzing in his hand, the screen lighting up.

  “Naw, nothing important,” I said.

  His look told me he didn’t believe me.

  The choir filed out, and I had to bite back my laughter.

  The kids got into going along with everything during church. They sang, listened, and ate their communion bread. The minister did a wonderful job keeping everyone engaged and feeling welcomed. There was no prejudice against anyone and even I, a non-believer, felt welcomed. By the end of the service, the twins seemed calmer than they had been in a while. Guilt twisted in my chest. They had needed church. It meant something to them, and I kept it away from them.

  Koen looked just as satisfied. He was leaning over, talking to Lawson about something that had his attention while we waited for the room to empty out more as everyone shuffled for the exit. I had a feeling it was about church. No matter how much I wanted to butt into their conversation, I held myself back. I wouldn’t have anything productive to add to the conversation.

  I made a point to mark my calendar so we could come here every Sunday. Maybe this would help them in the mourning process. Maybe this was exactly what they needed.

  After giving the boys a couple of dollars to give to the minister as a small donation, we headed back outside. Koen pulled out some of his own money too. The minister stood there, saying goodbye to familiar faces and introducing himself to new ones. A box was next to him. Koen and the boys made their donation.

  “Hello,” the minister said with a thankful smile. He looked down at the twins with a warm smile. “And who are these two?”

  “Lawson and Lee Hansen,” I replied. “I’m Maddie Daniels.”

  “Koen,” Koen said, shaking the man’s hand.

  “A pleasure to meet all of you. It’s wonderful to see new faces.” His smile was warm and welcoming, brown eyes gentle. />
  “Thank you. It was a wonderful service.”

  “I hope you come back?”

  Lawson and Lee looked up at me with so much hope that my heart ached. I gave them a shaky smile and blinked furiously against the tears.

  The minister saw my struggle and his smile softened. He rested his hand on my bicep, a kind gesture that made me want to bawl my eyes out.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked in a soft voice.

  I glanced around at those passing by and those waiting to have words with the minister. Stopping on Koen’s gaze, I used him to focus and calm back down. My nod was jerky. “Uh… I just didn’t realize we needed to be here. We lost my sister, their mother, over the summer.” I cleared my throat as it clogged up. “It’s been hard.”

  “Maddie, our doors are always open for you. Please, when you are ready to talk, come by. Don’t be shy in reaching out for help.”

  That did it, and the tears fell. “Thank you,” I whispered.

  He surprised me by pulling me into a hug. “You are strong and you’re doing well. You have taken the first step you and your children need in mourning. Keep walking forward, and we’ll always be here when you need us.” He pulled away and wiped my tears and gave me the kindest smile in the world. He also smiled down at the twins. The two of them looked a little owlish as they blinked up at him, mouths parted slightly.

  “I’ll see the four of you next week for service.”

  I nodded and cleared my throat to sound like a normal human being once again. “Yes, we’ll be there. I’m not sure about Koen. Since this was my first time, he joined us for support.”

  “Good man,” the minister said.

  I smiled at him. “I think so too.” We shook hands before going on our way.

  The sky was blue, the air the warmest it had been all month.