Where I'm Going

by Parker Elliot

  The answer, obviously, was that he couldn’t have that conversation with Chase. Not right now, anyway.

  “Okay, relax, bro.” Benji took his tone down a notch when he saw the worried look on Chase’s face. “I’m not seriously thinking about moving. And if I was, you’d be the first to know. It was just a hypothetical. Maybe I just need to take more vacations.”

  “Yes,” Chase nodded emphatically. “I completely agree with that. Absolutely take more vacations. Whenever. Wherever. But… let’s not talk about you leaving Nashville anymore, okay?”

  Benji shook his head. “Nope. No worries. We’re good.”

  And that was why there was no point in telling Chase about Reign.

  Clearly, Benji would have to figure that problem out on his own.

  18

  Reign

  It was a Friday night, and Reign practically had to sit on his hands to keep from calling the bar every five minutes and checking how things were going. Or worse, getting in the car and driving over there to see for himself.

  He knew Jenny would kill him if he tried it, though. He’d been there every night for two straight weeks—ever since he got back from Anguilla, in fact—and she had finally put her foot down and made him take an entire day and night off.

  Reign crossed the living room of his high-rise apartment and stared out the window across downtown Dallas. Maybe he should go out to someone else’s bar for a change. Maybe get drunk off someone else’s insane drink specials. Maybe even pick up some pointers on what he could do differently.

  But reconnaissance, even with the benefit of getting tips, was still sort of like working. And if he couldn’t be in his own bar, he didn’t really wanna spend his money at someone else’s.

  He shook his head.

  Shit.

  Maybe he should go for a run. That would at least wear him out, hopefully making him too tired to worry about business, or money, or the slow downward spiral his life seemed to be taking lately.

  Or maybe he should call Benji.

  Reign nibbled at his bottom lip at the thought. Even though it had been a little over two weeks since he’d seen Benji, they still talked—well, texted, at least—pretty much every day. Reign felt like the frequency and maybe the intensity of the messages was starting to taper off a little as time went on, though.

  Then again, maybe he was just being paranoid about that.

  So many maybes.

  His life used to be about definite answers—yes or no, up or down, left or right—but Reign could barely remember what it was like to wake up and know how his day was going to be, or what it was going to include.

  These days it was just one maybe after another.

  And talking to Benji didn’t necessarily help that feeling. Not because Benji wasn’t just about perfect in every way—that was actually part of the problem. Talking to him, even through text, was enough to keep that unrealistic, impossible spark of hope alive that they could ever be more than just friends.

  But at least the fact that Benji lived and worked so far away made it a little easier for Reign to lock those feelings away and keep them compartmentalized. He was already distracted enough trying to keep the bar afloat. If he had to stress about his never-gonna-happen relationship with Benji every day on top of that? It would probably only take a few hours for him to crack under the pressure.

  He crossed back to the coffee table and picked up his phone, then nearly dropped it again as it started ringing in his hand. As if he’d been conjured by Reign’s thoughts, Benji’s number appeared on the screen. For a moment, he simply stared at it, thinking that the universe must really be getting a kick out of messing with his head. That thought only lasted a second, though, and then it was overwhelmed with the surge of happiness that never failed to accompany an actual call from Benji.

  God, was it pathetic to get so worked up about a phone call? Probably, but in that moment, Reign didn’t give a single fuck. He was happy that Benji was calling, and there was no point in denying it.

  “Hey,” Reign said, finally answering on the third ring. “I wasn’t expecting you to call tonight.”

  “Gotta keep you on your toes.”

  Damn. Reign could picture the smile on Benji’s face as he spoke, and it was enough to make his heart beat faster.

  “You’re pretty good at that,” Reign admitted. “So, how have you been? Anything fun and exciting happening in your life these days?”

  Benji let out a short, wry laugh. “I’ve been okay, but nothing even coming close to fun or exciting. How about you?”

  “Pretty much the same. Just work and… more work.”

  Saying it out loud made Reign pause to consider the fact that he really hadn’t done anything besides work and sleep since he’d returned from vacation. He’d reasoned that he’d done enough of the other stuff while he was in Anguilla to last for a while, but… maybe there should be more to life than just work and sleep, even if it didn’t happen on vacation?

  Whatever. There would be time to think about that later.

  Maybe when he lost the bar and was unemployed. He’d certainly have plenty of time then.

  “Story of my life,” Benji said. “We should really do something about that, though.”

  Reign nodded absently, then realized that Benji couldn’t actually see him. “Yeah, we should… wait, we?”

  “That’s right,” Benji said, chuckling a little. “We should spend some time not working. Together.”

  “Together?” Reign knew he should probably be contributing more to the conversation than simply repeating Benji’s words, but he was seriously not following. Or rather, his brain was going in too many possible directions with the little pieces of information he was being given. “That sounds… good?”

  It sounded too good to be true, if he was being honest, but he still wasn’t sure where Benji was going with the conversation. Was it hypothetical? Like… eventually, sometime, maybe they should spend some time together? Or did he mean like… next week? Tomorrow?

  “Hm, you sound a little hesitant.” Now it was Benji’s turn to sound confused. “I thought you’d be happy. Or… happier, at least. Did I read the situation wrong?”

  “No, no, not at all, I’m just surprised and… confused?” Enough. It was time for Reign to get this shit figured out. “Benji, are you saying you want to see me? Like, see me, in person, sometime soon?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m talking about,” Benji said, laughing. “I guess I didn’t really make that very clear. But yeah, I’d really like to come see you. In person. Soon.”

  Reign couldn’t stop smiling. It was exactly what he’d been wanting to hear, but had been too afraid to hope for. And even though it didn’t mean anything had changed between them—they were still very much just friends, after all—it did mean that Benji took their friendship seriously. That he had been serious when he’d said they would stay in touch.

  “Good. Great, I am excited,” Reign said. “That’s awesome. When are you thinking about coming down here?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe next week?”

  Reign dropped his phone, then scrambled to pick it up again. “Shit, sorry, Benji? Did you say next week?”

  “Or… some other time. There’s no rush, I guess. I mean… I just thought…”

  “Nope, that’s perfect. Next week is perfect.” Reign paused for a moment, trying to let it all sink in. “Are you really gonna come here? To see me? Next week?”

  Benji laughed again. “That’s the plan, as long as it’s okay with you.”

  “Oh, it’s more than okay with me.” Reign had to sit down as a wave of anxiety hit him. There was so much to do. Cleaning. Figuring out what they would do while he was in town. Grocery shopping. Making sure he could take time away from the bar. Shit. But even though he was on the verge of a panic attack, Reign was still smiling. “I guess I’ll be seeing you soon, then.”

  “Yeah, I guess you will. I’ll talk to you soon, and we can work out the details.”

/>   As they got off the phone, he could tell that Benji was smiling, too. He could hear it in his voice. It made the butterflies in his stomach start doing cartwheels.

  Even after several minutes of sitting alone in silence, it still didn’t feel real, didn’t feel like it was actually going to happen. That Benji was going to be there, in Reign’s apartment. In his bed.

  Maybe?

  Did friends sleep in the same bed? There was only one bedroom, so that made a compelling case. Should he even mention it to Benji, or just see how the mood was at the time? Reign was definitely not a go with the flow kind of guy, but it had become his mantra with just about everything that had to do with Benji.

  Just go with the flow.

  Just see what happens.

  Just be prepared for anything. Or nothing at all.

  It was maddening, but if he didn’t keep his expectations low for the visit, he was going to drive himself insane agonizing over every little detail. He’d only known about it for a few minutes, and he was already about to hyperventilate.

  What made it even more frustrating was the fact that no matter how many times Reign told himself that nothing would happen again between the two of them—that, realistically, nothing much could ever happen between them—there was still that little voice inside Reign’s head that kept whispering to him. That little voice that continued to fan the small, tiny flicker of hope that circumstances might change, that Nashville might end up somehow closer to Dallas, or that Benji might decide he loved it in Texas, or something that would make things work out differently.

  It was that little voice that kept Reign up at night. And it always asked the same damned question.

  What if?

  19

  Benji

  “Can I get you another seltzer water, Mr. Carhart?”

  Benji had been staring out at the planes that were taking off out the huge windows of the second floor executive lounge for what had felt like hours. Around him, men and women who looked very rushed and very important sat and fidgeted with overpriced drinks or talked in hushed tones on their phones.

  Mixed in with the contemporary jazz that droned on in the background was the light tap-tap-tap of half a dozen business people on laptops. Everyone seemed busy, distracted, almost frantic in their near-silent activities.

  Everyone except Benji.

  He just kept sipping his seltzer and lime, watching the planes as they glided up into the sky and out of view, one by one, over and over. It was soothing. Relaxing. It had almost calmed his nerves enough that he wasn’t thinking about where he was going, or what he might do when he got there.

  He wasn’t thinking about anything else, in fact, and didn’t even realize the bartender had been talking to him until he heard his name again.

  “Mr. Carhart? Would you like another drink? Maybe a glass of wine?”

  “Oh, no. I mean, yes, please. Another seltzer with lime, please.”

  Wine did sound pretty fantastic, though. It wasn’t even noon yet, though. Not that day-drinking had been much of an issue for him back in Anguilla… but this wasn’t Anguilla, and he needed to keep his mind clear. A couple of glasses of wine might lead to him picking up his phone and calling Reign and spilling his guts about how fucking nervous he was.

  Ever since he’d decided to go visit Reign, it had been all he could think about. It had made the days go by faster, it had given him a sense of purpose after weeks of inertia.

  But it had also made him wonder if he’d been a little too impulsive, maybe even a little naive. He’d always lived his life taking one carefully calculated step after another, always following the plan, always sticking to the script. But with Reign? All bets were off. Logic and rational thinking got thrown out the window as he lurched from moment to moment, pleasure to hedonistic pleasure.

  Just thinking about Reign made him want to do crazy, impulsive things. Things that he didn’t even dare to say out loud, not even to himself.

  And why? Because he missed his friend?

  Benji shook his head as he sipped his seltzer water and watched another plane take off. Being near Reign was as addictive as any drug he’d ever heard of. And despite knowing that, despite the fact that it was probably not the best idea, there he was, sitting in the airport and waiting for his flight so he could go get his fix.

  The most bizarre part of the whole thing was that he couldn’t even explain why he felt that way. He didn’t know what it was about Reign that just felt so… right, almost from the moment they first met. He wasn’t a big believer in fate or destiny—he’d been raised with the belief that a man made his own destiny—but with Reign? It definitely felt like there was something else at play. Some other cosmic something in the mix that just kept pulling them together.

  Maybe he was just going crazy. That was certainly a possibility he’d considered, and maybe even a more plausible reason for his sudden shift in priorities. At thirty, he was a little young for a mid-life crisis, but he hadn’t ruled that out, either.

  Whatever it was, though, he wasn’t ready for it to end. The thought of cutting Reign out of his life completely and going back to the simple, predictable, boring way things used to be?

  No.

  Nope.

  Not gonna happen.

  Even the thought produced a visceral and very real reaction, causing him to shudder involuntarily. But even though staying away wasn’t an option, how in the hell was he supposed to incorporate a long-distance friendship—or any other kind of relationship—into his life?

  For the moment, he was just trying to take things day by day, minute by minute, but the truth of the matter was that he simply wasn’t built that way. He could convince his brain to take a backseat to his emotions for a while, but eventually there had to be an end goal. Not having a plan was slowly starting to eat at him, but planning for the future when he couldn’t even say exactly what he was feeling seemed a bit foolish.

  He knew at some point, he’d need to define what it was he felt for Reign and what it meant, but for the moment, there were a few good reasons for not doing that. The main reason was that he didn’t want to do or say something stupid, something that would feel rushed and impossible, something that might push Reign away. Besides that, he was scared to upend his life and everything he knew just on a whim, on a gut feeling that may or may not work out the way he’d hoped.

  His phone buzzed next to him, and he jumped to reach it quickly. Was it Reign, calling to see if he was on his flight? Texting to say that he couldn’t wait until Benji got to Dallas? Wanting to tell him about all the fun things they’d do when he got there?

  Nope.

  It was just a text from Chase.

  And even though he loved his brother dearly, Chase was really the last person he wanted to talk to at the moment. He hadn’t exactly been supportive when Benji mentioned taking a week off to go to Dallas. Or, well, he hadn’t necessarily been unsupportive, but he’d definitely asked a lot of questions.

  Questions Benji hadn’t been prepared to answer at the time. Questions he still wasn’t quite ready for, if he was being honest.

  Hey, bro. Are you on the plane yet?

  Chase was never good at remembering times. Or dates. Or names. He never had to, though. Benji usually did all of that for him.

  Not yet. Should be in the air in about an hour though.

  The reply from Chase was immediate.

  Why are you going, again? I don’t think you ever said. And do you know for sure when you’ll be back?

  Benji let out a long, slow sigh as he carefully chose his reply. On one hand, he wanted to tell Chase not to worry about it, that he’d be back when he decided to come back, and that he didn’t need a super-specific reason to go there in the first place.

  On the other hand, he technically worked for Chase, and since he wouldn’t really be working much while he was there, he should probably offer up some kind of explanation.

  I’m going to visit a friend—like I said before :) And I’ll be back in a
few days. I doubt I’ll stay for the entire week.

  There. Done. And the smiley face would hopefully make it seem like Reign was less annoyed by the line of questioning than he actually was. Just to cover all his bases, though, he decided to send a follow-up.

  I’m still planning on catching your show in Detroit next week, and if anything comes up before then, I’m just a phone call away. You and Gloria both know how to reach me.

  For a couple of minutes, he watched his phone, waiting to see what the level of resistance might be. If Chase wanted to keep asking questions or started to seem annoyed, a phone call would probably be in order. He didn’t want to argue with his brother, but it was too late to change plans now, even if he’d wanted to. And he definitely didn’t want to.

  And as far as the time off work, well… he did sort of have a twinge of guilt about that, being so soon after he got back from vacation. But since he’d worked for years without any kind of break to speak of?

  Yeah, he figured it would be okay.

  Chase must have been satisfied with that response though, or—more likely—he just couldn’t think of a way to dig deeper without being blatantly nosy. Either way was fine with Benji, and when he received the reply telling him to have a safe trip and to call if he needed anything, he figured it was okay to consider the conversation over.

  For a moment, though, he let himself wonder what Chase—and Riley, and his parents—might have to say if Benji came home and told them he had a boyfriend. It was really the first time he was letting his mind go there, since every time before, he’d shut it down as just a one-time thing, or just something that the beach and the island air brought out in him. Just a little casual, meaningless fun.

  The truth was, though, that it felt like more than that. With anyone else—whether it had been another random guy or a random woman—he probably could’ve passed it off as a vacation fling.