Where I'm Going

by Parker Elliot

  “Your feet are correct,” Reign said, smirking. “Look at this sales graph for the week,” he waved a piece of paper that had a line on it that had drastically ramped up from one day to the next. “I’ve honestly never seen sales like this since I opened the place. It’s… wonderful.”

  Business had been picking up steadily ever since the concert. Reign had figured they’d see some kind of bump, at least for a week or two, but it had been nearly three weeks, with sales continuing to grow. It really had surpassed all of his expectations.

  He was happy—overjoyed, really—that every day that passed by put his bar in a better financial position. That he didn’t wake up anymore wondering if that day was going to be The Day, when he’d have to start laying off staff because the money was too tight.

  Those dark days seemed to be behind them, thank God.

  “It really is wonderful,” Jenny agreed, leaning in to look at the graph. “If you would’ve told me a month ago that this was just around the corner, I’m…” she shrugged, then looked a little sheepish, “I’m honestly not sure if I would’ve believed it.”

  Reign snorted. “No need to feel bad about saying it. I damn sure wouldn’t have believed it. I would’ve told someone they were crazy if they’d said we could turn things around this quickly.”

  “Well, it certainly helped that you had some pretty massive star power up your sleeve.”

  Reign tried not to flinch at the words. He’d nearly been able to get through an hour at a time without thinking about Benji, but it was still hard to talk about. Or think about.

  But there was no denying that she was right. The small measure of success they were finally experiencing was directly because of Benji—and his brother’s concert, of course. But mostly Benji.

  Reign would always be more grateful than either Benji or his brother, Chase, would ever know. More grateful than he could ever even hope to express. His bar was his life, and losing it would’ve devastated Reign. The fact that Benji stepped in like a guardian angel when he didn’t even have a reason to? Reign didn’t even have the words to say how it made him feel.

  “You’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?”

  Jenny’s words startled Reign from his thoughts, and he quickly shook his head to deny the accusation. “No, I’m not. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  She gave him A Look, and he rolled his eyes.

  “Fine,” Reign said, defeated. “Maybe I was. Just a little, though.”

  In the days after Benji had left, Reign had needed someone to confide in, someone to cry to, someone who could tell him everything was going to be okay. Jenny had been the obvious choice, of course. The only choice, really.

  He hadn’t expected her to bring it up to use against him later, though.

  “Do you know how I can always tell?”

  “Always? I don’t think about him that much.” Anymore. Maybe. Whatever. He’d indulge her. “But anyway, how can you supposedly always tell what I’m thinking? Crystal ball in that server’s apron? Tarot cards up your sleeves?”

  She ignored the sarcasm and shook her head. “No. It’s the way you look.”

  “The way I look? What does that even mean? I look like… me. That hasn’t changed in the past few weeks.”

  “You know what I mean. I’m talking about the look you get on your face. That far-away look in your eyes. It just looks so… sad.”

  Reign sighed. For all of his flippant remarks, she really did get him. She could read him like a book. It was comforting and a little unnerving at the same time.

  “That’s because it is sad. I am sad. It’s hard to just turn off my feelings like a switch. When Toby left me, I didn’t think I’d ever want to open my heart to someone again.” He paused as he remembered those dark days. His relationship with Toby had only ended a few months before, but it felt like years had passed. But really, if he was being honest, their relationship had been over for quite some time before Reign had caught Toby cheating. They just hadn’t been ready to acknowledge the truth of the matter. “But anyway, when I met Benji, everything just sort of fell into place. Like, I didn’t even have the option of not being attracted to him. It was just the way things were.”

  Jenny nodded. She’d heard it all before, but she was far too nice to just tell him to get over it. To be fair, it was probably what he’d needed to hear, but he still appreciated her quiet support. He still wasn’t quite ready for tough love. The wounds were all still too fresh.

  “I know it’s hard,” she said. “I promise, I get that. But you’ve gotta stop, Reign. Either that, or you’ve gotta do something about it. I just hate seeing you like this.”

  “If there was something I could do, I would, believe me. But it’s not that simple.” He shrugged, feeling helpless. “If it was, he’d be here now. Or I’d be there. Whichever.”

  Her eyes went wide as he spoke, and she’d already started shaking her head before he’d finished. “What? No. No, no, no. You can’t leave. That’s just… not possible. Especially not now, when everything is finally starting to turn around.” She had jumped up out of her seat and was pacing around the small office, the pitch and volume of her voice rising with every word. “We’re booking events, and more people are coming in every night. Please tell me you’re not seriously thinking about leaving now.”

  Reign struggled not to smirk as Jenny’s wild gaze met his. He was honestly touched by her enthusiasm, and it made his heart hurt to know that he’d been so close to losing her and the rest of the amazing people he was lucky enough to work with every day. But as passionate as her little speech had been, it had only served to prove his point.

  “You see what I mean?” He asked. “It’s complicated. There aren’t any easy answers. But no, I can honestly say I’m not seriously thinking about leaving now.”

  “But in the future?”

  Reign shrugged. “Who knows. I don’t want to leave here. Not ever. But Benji felt like The One. It really felt like he might be it for me. Am I dumb for not taking that chance? It’s certainly not like I’ll be getting chances like that forever.”

  The other, unsaid part was that he was damn sure he would never, ever meet another guy like Benji, no matter how many more chances he might get.

  “I’d like to think you get more than one chance,” she said. “And that they don’t dry up once you hit thirty. I hope, for my sake, that’s true.”

  Reign laughed at the pointed look she shot him. “Yeah, that’s right. I forgot you’re right behind me on the thirty train.”

  “I sure am. And also single, in case you’ve forgotten. So if thirty is the end all, be all, we’re both in trouble.” She joined his laughter for a moment before she continued. “And anyway, if Benji really was The One, he probably would’ve stayed here with you.”

  Reign pressed his lips together as he considered her words. It was easy to fall into the trap of thinking that Benji should have or could have easily stayed in Dallas. But the truth was that he had an established life and career back in Nashville. Reign was getting his first small taste of moderate success, but Benji had made himself successful his entire adult life. It just wouldn’t be fair to ask him to walk away from all of that. Reign simply wouldn’t have asked.

  Ever.

  “Like I said before, it’s complicated. Do you really think Benji—or anyone else, for that matter—would have wanted to give up his A-list life in Nashville to come live in a cramped apartment in downtown Dallas? To give up managing his brother—who just happens to be one of the most famous singers in the world—so he can come here and date a guy who owns a bar? Who just barely owns a bar, I might add. And even that is only because of him.”

  He slumped back into his chair, letting out a long, slow breath as he tried to calm his nerves. He hadn’t meant to get so worked up, but it was just so frustrating. There really weren’t any easy answers, no matter which angle he looked at it from. Still, he didn’t want to take out his personal frustrations on Jenny. She didn’t d
eserve that.

  “Sorry,” he said, quietly. “I didn’t mean to get so… agitated. It’s just—”

  “I know. Don’t worry. I didn’t take it personally, and I don’t blame you. But I also want you to know that you shouldn’t sell yourself short. You’re a catch, and if Benji Carhart—or anyone else—can’t see that, it’s their loss. Not yours.”

  Reign gave a wry little smile. “Thanks. I appreciate the thought. But I think he could see what a catch I am. That’s what makes it even worse. That makes it a loss for both of us.”

  She stood up and crossed the small office, giving his shoulder a little squeeze as she walked toward the door. “It’ll all work out, Reign. I promise. It’ll get better.”

  “Thanks, Jenny. Now, go enjoy what’s left of your night. I’ll lock up here in a bit.”

  He put on his best smile as she left, but it faded as soon as the door had closed behind her. In his head, he knew she was right. He knew that it would eventually get better, or at least easier.

  It had to.

  Right?

  27

  Benji

  Benji was perfectly still in the large but slightly-too-firm bed as he stared blankly up at the ceiling. He hadn’t been sleeping. In fact, the bed was still made and he was still fully clothed. It was only a little after five o’clock in the evening, but it felt like it should have been much later.

  He’d spent the weekend with his brother Riley and his husband, Hollis, in the big Victorian mansion they’d lovingly restored, just outside the small town where Benji and his brothers had grown up. Everything about the house was old and well-worn, but with a certain charm and southern elegance that could wrap a person up like a warm blanket.

  The whole town was that way, really. And it was a fitting place for Benji to be spending his birthday, surrounded by people who loved him, even though at that particular moment he only wished he could be somewhere else. Anywhere else, really. But mostly somewhere in particular.

  Somewhere in Dallas.

  Instead, he was in Claxton. Downstairs, he could hear Riley and Hollis, Chase and Jackson, and he was pretty sure his parents had just arrived—hopefully with a cake in hand. Normally, he’d be happy to see all of them, especially on the rare occasion that they all happened to be gathered in the same place at the same time.

  Today, though, all he could think about was the fact that downstairs stood everyone on the planet who would be able to take one look at him and instantly know something was wrong. He’d pretend to be happy, of course, but it wouldn’t do any good. They’d know. They probably already knew. No doubt Riley had filled them in on the way Benji had been sulking since he’d arrived. The best Benji could hope for was that nobody would say anything about his mood. Not to him, at least. That they’d just ignore it, maybe overlook it as a birthday indulgence.

  He took a deep breath and swung his legs over the side of the huge four poster bed. How in the hell had they even managed to get such massive furniture up those stairs? Benji was just glad he hadn’t been around to help at the time.

  So… fine. He’d go down there and join them. He knew if he spent any more time alone upstairs, they were just as likely to come and check on him, probably as a group. And that was not an experience he wanted to have.

  Benji took each step slowly and deliberately, trying desperately to clear his head enough to at least fake a believable smile once he rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs. At least everyone else seemed to be having a good time. He wanted to be enjoying himself with them.

  Hopefully, he’d be able to.

  Seeing his whole family should be enough to bring him out of his doom and gloom mood. Hell, just the prospect of cake would normally bring a smile to his face. But even that wasn’t enough. Not today.

  It had been over three weeks, and instead of getting easier, his feeling that he’d made a horrible mistake by leaving Reign had only intensified. He really felt more and more that he’d let someone truly unique and beautiful and perfect slip through his fingers, and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to forgive himself. Or if he’d ever be able to get over it.

  Benji paused for just a moment before he turned the corner to the kitchen, taking a deep breath and plastering the biggest smile he could muster onto his face. They were all standing around the kitchen table, laughing and talking and arranging what looked to be an insane number of candles onto a delicious looking chocolate cake.

  “Happy birthday!” Chase was the first one to call it out as soon as he caught sight of Benji. He rushed over to give Benji a hug and whisper a warning into his ear. “Riley says you’ve been too quiet, so you’d better get it together if you don’t want the third degree from Mom.”

  “Benji, you’re just in time,” his mother called out, offering him a large knife as soon as he was within reach. “Your brothers wanted to start eating without you, but I knew you’d come down sooner or later if there was cake involved.”

  “You were right, Mom. Cake is my weakness.”

  “And donuts, and pizza, and lattes, as I recall,” Riley added. “Glad to see you’re feeling better, bro.”

  Dammit.

  Predictably, his mother’s eyes zeroed in on him, giving him a quick once-over before asking if he was okay. “You don’t look like you’ve got a fever,” she said, touching his forehead with the back of her hand. “But maybe. There’s been something going around town.”

  “I’m fine, Mom,” he said, shooting a quick look at his younger brother. “Riley is just jealous because you didn’t make him a cake for his birthday.”

  “Whatever,” Riley rolled his eyes. “I’m not jealous.”

  “I would have made a cake, and you know it,” Jean Carhart sniffed. “It’s not my fault your husband took you on a cruise for your birthday. I can’t ship a cake to the middle of the ocean, you know.”

  “Well, do we have to wait until next year to eat this cake?” Chase asked. “I’m starving.”

  “Oh my God, I’m cutting it,” Benji said, flapping his arms a little to make some room as he wielded the probably-too-large knife. “Calm down.” Then, with a look at Hollis, “I hope your homeowner’s insurance is up to date. This many candles in one place is definitely a fire hazard.”

  Hollis laughed. “We’ll take our chances. It would just give Riley an excuse to remodel again, anyway. I know he’s been getting the itch ever since we finished the house last year.”

  “That’s not true,” Riley snickered. “I haven’t started on the guest room out by the garage yet. After that, we might need to find another project or two. Go for it Benji. Cut the cake!”

  He’d forgotten how much chaos there was involved with every little decision and detail when everyone was together. It was kind of nice, though. Almost enough to keep his mind off Reign.

  Almost.

  Benji cut into the cake and began dividing it up and putting it onto the colorful little plates that Riley and Hollis had no doubt bought for the occasion. Nothing was ever half-assed at their house, and they went all-out for every occasion. It was definitely a good house to have a party in, though, he had to admit.

  He wondered what it would be like to renovate a big old house like this with someone. Like Reign, for instance.

  But no. Enough. He really had to stop thinking about Reign every five minutes. At least for a couple of hours. Once he got through his little birthday celebration, he could go back to wallowing in misery and self-pity. Until then, he needed to get his game face on.

  They’d barely sat down and started eating the cake when Riley spoke up again.

  “So, Benji. Are you gonna tell us what’s wrong?”

  Benji looked up from his plate to see everyone looking back at him. Great. Perfect. He was pretty sure Riley wasn’t intentionally tormenting him, but only because he was pretty sure that Chase still hadn’t told anyone else about Reign.

  Surprisingly, he hadn’t let any details slip—quite a feat, as excited as Chase had been to meet Reign in Dall
as. But Chase also knew the hell that Benji had been putting himself through for the past few weeks.

  “I already told you,” Benji said, doing his best to keep his voice light and nonchalant. “Nothing is wrong. I’m great.”

  “Yeah, I’m not buying that,” Riley said. “And if you’re not sick, then what is it? You’ve been moping around here since you got in. It’s not like you to be that quiet. I wasn’t even sure if you were still here until you came down for cake.”

  “Your brother does have a point, Benji.” Jean shot him a worried look. “And you do look a little tired. You’re sure you’re not sick?”

  Benji wasn’t sure what to say, or who to answer first. The conversation was quickly going off the rails. Luckily, Chase came to his defense.

  “Come on, you guys. Maybe Benji is just not super happy about getting older. You know he’s sensitive about stuff like that.”

  Riley snorted. “No, you’re the sensitive one. Benji has always said age is just a number or something dumb like that.”

  Benji looked around the table, wondering if anyone else might be willing to step up and help bail him out.

  No.

  No.

  Nope.

  Jean quirked an eyebrow, waiting for his reply. “You know we can’t help you if you don’t tell us what the problem is, Benjamin. Everyone here at this table is here because we love you. Just tell us what’s wrong and let us be done with it.”

  Chase started to open his mouth again, but Benji cut him off. “Fine.” Benji shrugged. “Just keep in mind that you all asked and asked. I would’ve been perfectly happy to have had this conversation some other time.”

  Even though he was only really looking at his mom, he could feel everyone else’s eyes focus on him. He could almost hear everyone hold their breath as they leaned in slightly to hear whatever it was he was about to say.

  “The truth is,” Benji paused and cleared his throat. Just get it over with. “The truth is that I met someone in Anguilla.” He paused again as everyone leaned in further. “A man.”