Gazillions of Reptilians: A humorous paranormal novel (Freaky Florida Book 7)

by Ward Parker

  You must be wondering why you weren’t sent home.

  Yes. My thoughts, exactly.

  I will always be grateful for what you did for me in the past and for helping rescue my daughter, he said. But I am king now, and I must make difficult decisions that sometimes go against my heart.

  What are you saying?

  The elder dragon lords have demanded that we keep you as a hostage. You are the vampires’ healer, and they won’t get you back until they give us the ones who started all of this. The vampire named Marvin, and the one named Bill.

  Marvin is dead. Didn’t you guys kill him?

  No, we did not.

  Bill, you can have on a silver platter, as far as I’m concerned. He’s gone too far. In fact, if you let me go home, I’ll bring him to you.

  Ronnie chuckled.

  You’re still the same Missy I knew. I apologize for this. The dragons haven’t had a king for centuries, and the old dragon lords resent me for being the Anointed One and usurping their dominance. I’m trying to show them I respect their wisdom. But if they keep issuing ultimatums, I’ll have to come down hard on their behinds. Our dragons can’t afford a destabilizing rebellion against me. In the meantime, I’ll make sure you are comfortable here and protected from harm.

  That’s not very reassuring, Missy thought to herself as the giant dragon took flight, leaving the van rocking.

  “Detective Affird, how can I assist you?” Agnes asked after she opened her door to find the tall, thin cop who always wore shades.

  “I came by here today, but no one answered their doors,” Affird said with a knowing smirk.

  “You didn’t ring my doorbell. I was home all day.”

  “I didn’t want to trouble you, but I’m afraid I must now. Five residents of Squid Tower are at the station being interviewed after they were involved in a shootout with a militia in Alligator Hammock.”

  “Oh gods,”

  “Gods? Plural?”

  “You misunderstood. I said God, singular.” A Visigoth noblewoman, Agnes had not yet been converted to Christianity when she was turned in 571 A.D. After all these centuries, she still slipped up sometimes and evoked the pagan gods.

  “One resident is a young woman who gave your condo as her address.”

  “That must be Maria. She’s a friend of my granddaughter and is staying with me for a while. Is she all right?”

  Agnes’ granddaughter actually died in 620 A.D., but Affird would never know that.

  “None of your neighbors were injured. Even though our police sharpshooter swears he put a few rounds into one man.”

  “That is good to know. Are they in trouble with the law?”

  “Only one of them fired at the police. He’s in trouble. But others admitted they brought weapons to the home where the shooting took place, allegedly for self-protection relating to a dispute.”

  “Which one of our residents fired at the police?”

  “I can’t release his name right now. But I will say he is a member of the militia that showed up and shot at the home.”

  “Ah, Bill Meany. He still owns his condo here, but he’s no longer a resident. We kicked him out for breaking the bylaws and other offenses.”

  “Okay. That’s why he appeared to be staying at the home that was attacked.”

  “How else can I help you, Detective?” Agnes asked in a tone indicating she wanted this interaction to end.

  Affird pulled the door open a little wider.

  “Allow me to lay my cards on the table. I suspect your community is full of vampires. I’ve suspected it for a very long time. You’ve known I’ve suspected it. But I’ve never had enough proof to do anything about it. And many others in the department would laugh at me if I accused you. Technically, it’s not illegal to be a vampire, unless you assault people. But last night pushed me to the breaking point.”

  “Why is that, Detective?”

  “The dragons.”

  “Dragons?”

  “Yes. Like the kind in fantasy movies. They attacked the militia members and carried away a delivery van. We saw it happen. Though my colleagues are in denial mode right now.”

  “Why would I know anything about dragons?” Agnes asked, trying her best to look ignorant.

  “Because they’re supernatural, like vampires.”

  “Dragons are more lizard than supernatural.”

  “Whatever.” Affird was getting frustrated. “Vampires were under attack, and dragons showed up to rescue them.”

  “What makes you believe they showed up to rescue them? The dragons may have had another motive. After all, they took away a delivery van. Didn’t you say so yourself?”

  “Why would dragons want a delivery van?”

  “The package they were expecting was late?”

  “It was a rental van. And it just so happens we checked with the rental company. They said the van hadn’t been returned and was missing. And you know who rented it?”

  “A dragon?”

  Affird’s face turned beet-red.

  “Bill Meany?” Agnes guessed.

  “No,” Affird said. “Missy Mindle. The home health nurse who comes here every night and pretends she doesn’t believe in vampires.”

  “Oh. Well, I haven’t the foggiest idea why Missy rented the van, and why it was there last night.”

  “I believe you do know. That is why I’m here tonight. May I come in and ask you more questions?”

  “I supposed you may. Do I need a lawyer?”

  “You do not. But I can’t prevent you from calling one. I’d rather just get this over with and allow you to enjoy your evening.”

  Agnes invited Affird into her living room and offered him a bottled water, which he declined. She considered whether she should mesmerize the detective and make him forget why he came here, or about all the vampire stuff. She worried he would later be reminded by his case notes. His blacked-out evening would make him even more suspicious. She held off on mesmerizing him. For now.

  He peppered her with questions about Bill and the four other Squid Tower residents who had been detained. What where they doing at the house? Why were they armed? Were drugs involved? Was anyone else other than Bill involved with the militia?

  She claimed to be unable to answer any of the questions, except to assert that Bill was the only one with militia ties.

  “Don’t stonewall me, Ms. Geberich.”

  “I am offended you accuse me of that.”

  “Please help me out here. I don’t want to take serious measures.”

  “Serious measures? What do you mean?”

  “I will be in your face every day. Make that every night. I will watch your community like a hawk. You’re not making a fool out of me anymore. I’m going to get proof that you’re all vampires, somehow in league with the dragons, and I’m going to shut you down.”

  “Do you realize what you just said?” Agnes asked. “Wouldn’t your supervisor send you to get counseling after making such outlandish accusations? Are you one of those internet conspiracy nuts?”

  Affird’s face tightened, and he sat upright on the couch.

  “No, not the internet. Vampires have been part of folklore for as long as humans have existed. I refuse to ignore you any longer. You live in my community and make it dangerous to the families who live here.”

  “Detective, please. When was the last time you had an assault victim with signs of being bitten by a vampire?”

  “It’s time to take me seriously, Ms. Geberich. I’ve staked a vampire before. And I’ve killed werewolves. I refuse to allow you supernatural freaks to endanger my community anymore. I’m going to shut you down. If that means locking you all up, or staking all of you, so be it.”

  He stood, his body rigid with anger, and ready to fight.

  Agnes could snap his head off his pencil neck in an instant, and drink the fountain of his blood, if she wanted to. The only reason this little jerk was alive was the importance of keeping the vampires’ existence absolute
ly secret.

  Affird had always posed a threat to them. Now, it was at crisis level.

  But he didn’t realize who he was picking a fight with.

  14

  Ronnie, Dragon King

  Agnes’ buzzer rang again.

  “Ye gods, who could this be now?” Oops, she needed to be careful about the plural gods thing.

  When she answered, she was surprised to see a tall young man standing there. He was dressed all in white, with his silk shirt unbuttoned enough to reveal well-defined pectoral muscles, as if he mistook this for a paranormal romance story. It was rare to see anyone under sixty in body age at Squid Tower, except for delivery people. The landscapers and contractors showed up only during the day when the vampires slept.

  So, who was this handsome fellow with spiky brown hair and eyes a luminescent shade of green?

  “Mrs. Geberich, good evening.”

  “You seem familiar. Do I know you?”

  “Yes, but you’ve only met me in dragon form. I’m Ronnie, King of the Dragons.”

  “Oh, pleasure to see you again. I didn’t know until recently that dragons can shape-shift.”

  “Very few of us can. I gained the ability when I reached adulthood. I’m from a line of dragons called the Anointed Ones. It’s why I was crowned as our king. Although, some of my rivals from older generations don’t necessarily agree with that.”

  “Please come in. Would you like water? Or do dragons prefer something else? I’m fresh out of maiden blood.”

  “No, thank you. I can’t stay long. I’ve come to speak with you about Missy.”

  “Do you know where she is? We haven’t seen or heard from her.”

  “She’s in good health, but she’s being held in the In Between. Are you aware of this place?”

  “I’ve only heard of it,” Agnes said.

  “The senior dragon lords who form my council have demanded we detain Missy until she is exchanged for the vampires who started the hostilities between humanoids and dragons. I am told one is named Marvin, and the other, more violent one, is called Bill. The one who attacked us during our parley. When those individuals are delivered to us, we will call a truce. We will cease all hostilities, and I will break the spell causing the reptiles and amphibians of earth to rise up.”

  “Oh,” Agnes said. “Peace would be lovely, but your request is complicated.”

  “During our parley, you said you wouldn’t hand over your vampires to us to face justice. I understand that. But the dragon lords refuse to release Missy without receiving the criminal vampires in return.”

  “Well, I may have changed my mind.”

  “That is good to hear.”

  “But, as I said, there are complications. First, Marvin Nutley is dead. Some believe dragons incinerated him.”

  “Right. And we didn’t do it.”

  “And the other main culprit, Bill Meany, is in police custody now. If and when he gets released, we’ll see what we can do.”

  “I understand it’s difficult to hand over one of your own.”

  “No. With Bill, it wouldn’t be difficult anymore. What will you do to him? Eat him?”

  “He will be imprisoned, and we will hold a trial. After he is judged, a punishment will be determined.”

  “How do we get him to you? And how do we get Missy back?”

  “Dragons are telepathic. Concentrate on my name and speak to me with your mind. Keep trying until I answer. Then I will arrange for the transfer.”

  “Okay. One other thing, do you realize the police saw your dragons last night?”

  Ronnie hung his head.

  “That wasn’t the best idea,” he said. “But I had to rescue my daughter whom Bill had kidnapped. It turned out that Missy had her, but I sensed she was in danger when the crazy human militia attacked. I was too impulsive, but it couldn’t be helped.”

  “We need to do something about this. If word spreads among the humans that dragons exist, we won’t be able to end the war. And the vampires’ secret existence is at risk, as well.”

  “We dragons have magic that can make humans forget.”

  “You’d better dump a huge load of it all over Jellyfish Beach before it’s too late.”

  “As soon as the hostilities end. I need to go now. Thank you for meeting with me. Let me know when we can make the transfer.”

  The handsome young man left. He reminded Agnes of a particularly attractive Visigoth warrior she knew in her youth, but the dragon was much better groomed and didn’t smell.

  She picked up her phone and called each member of the Squid Tower HOA Board of Directors.

  “This emergency board meeting is now in session,” Agnes said with a rap of the piece of wood she used as a gavel. It was part of a stake that had executed a violator of the bylaws years ago and represented the board’s absolute authority over the vampires.

  It was fitting, as tonight they discussed the fate of one of their own.

  “You honestly think I would object to giving that lunatic to the dragons?” Schwartz asked.

  “No, not you,” Gloria said. “You would sell your own mother to them.”

  “I don’t know if this is right,” Kim said. “It feels like a betrayal. I didn’t mind sending vampires to fight him for the dragon baby, but to give him up to other creatures? I don’t know. And Bill’s a board member, and he’s not here to defend himself.”

  “We know what kinds of cockamamie conspiracies he’d spout off to defend himself,” Schwartz said.

  “He started a war,” Gloria said.

  “Marvin started it,” Kim said.

  “Marvin began the violence, but Bill escalated it needlessly into a war,” Agnes said. “A war that threatens all vampires and the entire planet.”

  “Worse, there was an iguana in my toilet,” Gloria said.

  “I’ve lost track of how many vampires have been harmed because of that knucklehead,” Schwartz said.

  “Because of the dragons. They torched four vampires on the golf course. And Marvin.”

  “They didn’t torch Marvin,” Agnes said. “I believe Bill may have been the one who locked him on his balcony.”

  “Another reason to give him to the dragons,” Schwartz said.

  “We used to be friends with Bill,” Kim said in a quiet voice.

  “Used to be is the key.” Gloria said. “Bill is no longer Bill. He’s nuts. He went off the deep end. His mind has been poisoned by his ridiculous conspiracy theories. I can’t be sympathetic to someone who dragged himself into the abyss. It’s a tragedy of his own making.”

  “Allow me to remind you all,” Agnes said, leaving forward and placing her hands on the table. “Our bylaws include rules meant to protect our community from being revealed to the world and destroyed. If a vampire kills prey, or even hunts too close to the community, he or she can be banished.”

  “Bill was already banished,” Kim said.

  “If a vampire harms another vampire, he can be staked. Bill has harmed us all, both indirectly and directly.”

  The board members mumbled in affirmation.

  “I move we bring the issue to a vote,” Agnes said.

  “Seconded,” said Schwartz.

  “All in favor of handing Bill to the dragons say ‘aye.’”

  Four “ayes.” Kim had been persuaded.

  “The motion has passed,” Agnes said.

  “How are we going to hand him over?” Schwartz asked.

  “I’ll call our attorney, Paul Leclerc. Assuming the judge sets bail, we’ll bail him out. Then we capture him when he leaves jail.”

  “How much are we willing to put up for bail?” Schwartz asked. “You do realize we’ll lose it all if Bill goes to the dragons and doesn’t appear for his trial.”

  “We’ll pay whatever price we must for peace,” Agnes said.

  “And to an end to all this nonsense about Reptilians,” Kim said.

  “Great,” Schwartz muttered. “We’ll all get charged a special assessment to pay f
or his bail. Just great.”

  Bill knew he was in deep doo-doo.

  It was one thing to strut around with weapons and talk about taking down the government when you had no intention of doing anything. Even firing your weapons in public, at a golf course, seemed acceptable when you were shooting at Reptilians from another planet.

  But shooting at cops? Lots of guys in the militia talked about doing it and never had or would. But he did. Police don’t take kindly to being shot at, even if you’re the greatest patriot ever.

  The detective who loved to prowl around Squid Tower—the one who wore shades at night—sat across a conference room table from Bill. He didn’t say anything, only stared with his eyes inscrutable behind the dark lenses.

  Bill had been shot near the end of the battle, but his wound had healed supernaturally. The bullet hadn’t gone into his heart. His body still ached, though. And it was early morning, past dawn. The room was windowless, yet Bill felt queasy.

  Bill had called the lawyer the board used, the werewolf named Leclerc. But the bum refused to represent Bill, said he had a conflict. Did that mean the Board was using Leclerc against him?

  Bill requested a public defender instead. The attorney wouldn’t know Bill was a vampire, and he or she probably didn’t work nighttime hours. Bill’s survival depended upon being in only windowless rooms during the day. When they sent him to the county jail, could he avoid sunlight there?

  Yeah, Bill was in deep doo-doo.

  Not even counting what the guys of ERR were thinking. Bill had ordered them to come to Stanley’s house to turn the tide against the weasels from Squid Tower. And look how that turned out.

  All six of them were dead, shot by police or torched by Reptilians. But the rest of the guys at ERR wouldn’t know about the flying lizards. They would think the police killed all six men. Would they blame Bill for summoning them to the house?

  “What kind of mood are you in?” Affird asked out of the blue.