Gazillions of Reptilians: A humorous paranormal novel (Freaky Florida Book 7)

by Ward Parker

“What do you mean? I’m under arrest. What kind of mood do you think I’m in?”

  “I mean, are you in the mood to make a deal?”

  Bill paused. “Depends.”

  Affird leaned back and put his feet on the table.

  “I don’t need to make any deals. I’ve got you nailed seven ways to Sunday. But deals are the oil that makes the justice system work faster.”

  “Are you talking about a plea deal?” Bill asked.

  “Eventually. That will be between you, your lawyer, and the prosecutor. I’m talking about a deal between you and me, to move this process along. To make it easier for both of us.”

  “Go on.”

  “Mr. Meany, I know you’re a vampire. I could stake you right here and now.”

  Bill gulped.

  “You won’t last more than a day or two in the county jail. As soon as someone figures you out, you’re a goner. A correctional officer or an inmate, one of them’s going to stake you. And get away with it.”

  Bill sat silently, clenching his teeth, his fangs safely retracted.

  “You being a vampire doesn’t concern me so much right now,” Affird went on. “I know Squid Tower is full of bloodsuckers like you. I’m planning to shut the whole place down and send all your neighbors to Hell where they belong. Whether you’re with them or not. What I’m most concerned about now is this armed militia you seem to be in command of. I don’t want armed lunatics running around in Jellyfish Beach, shooting up neighborhoods.”

  “You want me to turn on them?” Bill asked.

  “That’s not the way I would have put it, but yes. Give me everything you’ve got on them. I want to put the bad ones away and send the others scurrying into cracks like roaches.”

  “Do I need to wear a wire?”

  “Possibly. I don’t know yet. For now, you can tell me everything about them. Give me names and numbers. Let me know what kind of hardware they’ve amassed. All your planned operations. Etcetera. I’ll have the D.A. request an immediate bond hearing, with a low amount. We’ll get you out of jail before you even get hungry for blood. Then, we’ll work on that plea deal. Are you interested?”

  “Yes.” Bill didn’t even hesitate.

  Affird removed a notebook from his pocket.

  “Remember,” he said, “this conversation is being recorded. Begin wherever you want.”

  “Reptilians,” Bill said. “It began with the Reptilians.”

  “You mean the dragons?”

  “They’re not dragons. They’re Reptilians. They can shift into any shape they want, though. Usually, they look like humans so they can blend into society and take it over.”

  “You’re a conspiracy buff?”

  “The truth is not a conspiracy. The truth is a reward to those who dig deep enough to find it.”

  “Maybe I made a mistake with this deal,” Affird said.

  “My organization, Earthlings Resisting Reptilians, is fighting to save the human race.”

  “Does that mean you’re not going to give me the information I need?” Affird asked.

  “No, I’ll tell you everything you want to know, as long as you don’t make me stay in jail. Okay, my battlefield commander is Abe Washington. Former military. Spent some time behind bars for possession of a surface-to-air missile.”

  Bill continued talking for hours.

  On his second, horrible night in the county jail. Bill received a visitor. He wasn’t told who it was, so he was shocked to see Paul Leclerc sitting on the other side of the plexiglass.

  “Paul! What are you doing here? I thought you wouldn’t represent me.”

  “I’m representing the Board, and we’re bailing you out,” said the shaggy, older attorney who wore a ponytail despite being bald on top. “The Board raised the money, and you’re out of here, as soon as the jail can do the paperwork.”

  “For real?”

  “For real. I’m going to wait in the visitors’ lot and give you a ride home. To wherever you’re staying, that is. You’re still banned from Squid Tower.”

  Bill wanted to curse out the prissy little jerks who banned him but held his tongue.

  “That’s great,” he said. “Thank you.”

  Two hours later, he was back in civilian clothes, holding a manilla envelope with the personal items taken from his pockets. He walked out into the humid night air and took a deep, grateful breath. This wasn’t the end of his legal battle, but if the plea deal worked out, he wouldn’t have to see the jail ever again.

  He looked around for Leclerc’s car, not knowing what the lawyer drove. Finally, a BMW pulled up.

  Leclerc was driving. But in the backseat were Oleg and Louis. Two of the vampires who had attacked him at Stanley’s house. What were they doing in the car?

  Bill hesitated. He had a bad feeling about this.

  An SUV approached from the back of the parking lot and cut off the BMW. The tinted window rolled down to reveal Abe.

  “Abe! What are you doing here?” Bill asked in his friendliest voice.

  “Stopping you from ratting out the militia,” Abe said, pulling a grenade launcher into view.

  It is said that North Korea’s Kim Jong-un once ordered an anti-aircraft gun to be used to execute officials who angered him. Aiming a grenade launcher at an individual at close range was in the same spirit.

  It’s impossible to say if Abe knew Bill was a vampire. But his choice of such an over-the-top weapon ensured that even a vampire wouldn’t survive the grenade impact plus the explosion.

  The three men in the BMW were lucky to survive, though they sat stunned among the smoke and shattered glass, while the SUV sped away.

  Bill was out of their hair forever. But now they didn’t have anyone to trade to get Missy back.

  15

  Knock-Down-Dragon Fight

  Missy could tell the water and food the dragons gave her weren’t real. They were created from magic, since there is no actual sustenance available in the In Between. The water and food were convincing, though. They slaked her thirst and filled her belly. But the food had a little too much sodium. If you’re ever in the In Between, don’t order the dragon version of Swedish Meatballs.

  The roll of toilet paper she requested was also not real. The good part is it meant the portions she used disappeared into thin air moments after she was finished with them.

  Spending her days on a flat rock five stories tall and sleeping in the van were taking a toll on her. There was no conception of day or night here. The dull white light of the sky never waxed or waned. Her watch and phone did not work here, so she never knew what time it was. She passed the hours by sleeping when she was tired and practicing magick spells. Magick was a challenge here, since she normally drew energy from the five elements of earth, or from ley lines, along with the energies within her own body. Here, in the In Between, there was no energy she could harvest. All she had was what was in her, amplified by the power charm she always carried. That, at least, still worked here.

  One day (or was it night?), a dragon approached from far away on the opposite side of the vast canyon. Since Missy first arrived, she hadn’t seen any dragons except for Ronnie.

  This was not Ronnie. The dragon was slightly larger than him, with a darker brownish-gray coloring. As it neared her, she saw moss and other signs of old age on its scales. Its eyes were glowing green and hostile.

  It circled her plateau and landed near the van in a cloud of dust.

  You are the human witch? the dragon asked in a male voice inside her head.

  Yes. I’m Missy Mindle.

  I am Lord Rembert. I came to see what, if anything, you are worth.

  Don’t judge me by my salary. I’m terribly underpaid.

  Is your magic as strong as ours?

  Um, not really. But I probably know some spells you guys don’t.

  We do not need spells to create magic, Rembert said. We simply use the magic we were born with.

  Why are you asking?

  I'm judging if you ar
e worth keeping alive.

  Missy's heart skipped a beat. I thought I would be part of a prisoner exchange.

  The human we wanted to bring to justice is now dead, killed by one of the killers who followed him.

  Oh, my.

  The other lords of the council question if we should kill you.

  Tell them the answer is “no.”

  We wish to make you an example of what happens when humans attack us without provocation.

  Missy was panicking now. But I didn't harm any dragon. Remember, I’m the one who helped heal King Ronnie when he was young.

  Young and weak, as he remains to this day.

  Ronnie, help! she called in her mind.

  Your friend, the king, should have responded with more force when the humans attacked us.

  Vampires, not humans, Missy thought. And then regretted it when Rambert extended his neck toward her and bared his teeth.

  The missile streaked across the pale sky in a brown-green blur.

  It was Ronnie. He slammed into Rembert like a freight train. The sound of the collision echoed throughout the canyon. Missy scampered into the van for safety.

  The two dragons plunged from view down the side of the plateau. They reappeared on the other side, Ronnie in pursuit of Rembert as he flew at a sharp angle high into the atmosphere.

  Ronnie caught up to Rembert and seized him with his talons. Rembert turned, and they wrestled stomach to stomach, raking each other with sharp talons, beating each other with their wings, whipping the tails with tips like spear points.

  Drops of blood rained down past the van’s windows.

  Rembert broke free and dove into the canyon.

  How dare you attack me! Missy heard Rembert say in her head.

  I am your king, and I’ve had enough of your disrespect.

  You haven’t earned the right to be my king. I am wiser and more powerful than you.

  Ronnie let out a screeching roar and caught his rival once again. They smashed against the side of the plateau, and the van rocked with the vibrations.

  Missy wanted to help her friend. She didn’t use attack spells, but she could try to place a protection bubble around Ronnie. With no energies to draw from the environment, she dug deep within herself inside a hastily drawn magick circle in the back of the van.

  It was difficult to concentrate with the battle going on above and below.

  Mid-spell, something caught her eye. Another dragon approached. It was larger and darker, like Rembert. Was it one of his allies? She desperately worked on her spell, weaving strands of magick and purpose, adding power from her own heart and soul amplified by the power charm.

  You will not hurt King Ronnie, she said to herself, but she was certain the other dragons heard.

  The third dragon arrived and joined the melee against Ronnie.

  Today, we shall kill a king,” Rembert said.

  The two dragons used their weight to pull Ronnie to the canyon floor as his wings struggled to keep him aloft.

  She said the magick words aloud, and the power rushed from her, leaving her feeling deflated.

  Ronnie flew back into view, separated from the other dragons.

  They darted at him, and each time they neared his body, they slowed and dropped away. They kept attacking, but less frequently as Ronnie circled high in the sky.

  The two older dragons looked at her. Missy braced for whatever they had in mind. While they were distracted, Ronnie dove and wrapped his jaws around Rembert’s neck. They wrestled, their two necks entwined like snakes.

  And then Rembert went limp. He and Ronnie fell from the sky.

  While the other dragon flew straight at the van.

  Missy had no choice but to take her concentration away from Ronnie’s protection spell. She frantically attempted to build one around the van. With the spell for Ronnie already built, she tried to alter it for its new purpose rather than rebuild it from scratch.

  The dragon zoomed toward her. Dragon eyes, she mused as she prepared to die, had vertical pupils like cat eyes.

  The dragon slammed into the van.

  And the protection spell saved it from being crushed and sliced open. But it didn’t stop the van from being knocked off the top of the plateau.

  It fell toward the canyon floor upside down, with Missy pressed against the floor.

  The protection spell should protect the van when it hit the rocky ground, but Missy would be tossed about like a rag doll inside it.

  She wouldn’t survive.

  She struggled to think amid her panic. It came to her quickly: she could weave a spirit web.

  She flung every bit of energy she had from her solar plexus, tiny tendrils of power entwined like a spider web, meant to catch souls, ghosts, and dreams. She fortified it with ectoplasm so it could hold her body mass, as well.

  There was no time to test it.

  The van hit the rocks, the protection bubble flexing but holding firm. With a spine-snapping jolt, the van, ensconced in its bubble, bounced like a tennis ball. The gravity, that tried to smash Missy against the roof of the van, suddenly yanked her in the opposite direction as the van shot upwards after it bounced.

  Missy, jerked back and forth, hung safely suspended, for now, in her spirit net.

  The van dropped again, a shorter distance this time, and bounced once more.

  Missy had a brief glimpse of the body of Rembert lying atop a boulder before the van in its bubble careened away, hitting the wall of the plateau.

  After a series of smaller bounces, the van settled upon the canyon floor. The interior was bathed in light from a fireball above. Ronnie was battling the other dragon lord.

  She broke the spirit web and crawled from the van to establish a visual connection with Ronnie.

  Two dragons came into view, wrestling, tails whipping, they crashed into the side of the canyon sending rubble falling that just missed her.

  She fixed her eyes upon Ronnie and carefully transferred the protection spell to him. Strand by strand, layer by layer, pulse by pulse, she rebuilt it around him.

  The two dragons sprung apart as the bubble formed around Ronnie. The lord flung himself at Ronnie but couldn't get close enough to make contact.

  An eruption of flame danced across the bubble’s surface, leaving Ronnie unharmed.

  He went in for the kill. The talons on his four limbs sank into the dragon lord's abdomen as he was pushed against the canyon wall. He was held there as Ronnie finished the evisceration.

  The lifeless body of the dragon lord dropped to the rubble only thirty feet from where the van lay, causing a cloud of dust and pebbles.

  Missy, are you all right? Ronnie's voice asked in her head.

  He landed on a nearby boulder and looked her over. He was covered with blood, his own and the other dragons’. Several scales were missing, and a gash ran along the length of his neck.

  Could be better, she said. What about you? You must be in great pain.

  Your magick. You protected me while somehow saving yourself. I didn’t think earth magick could be so strong in the In Between.

  I’m surprised myself. I had more reserves of energy in my core than I thought possible. Maybe it was because I’m inspired by you.

  I could have beaten Rembert and Foss one to one, but not together, he said in an effort to repair his male pride. They’re bigger than me, but I’m younger. I didn't want it to come to this, but it’s just as well. Some dragons are only impressed by brute force. I had been trying to accommodate the opinions of the elders, but many saw it as a sign of weakness.

  What are you going to do now?

  Each of the lords I just killed led a clan that must be convinced to give me their loyalty. First, I need to meet with the other lords of the council and make them reaffirm their fealty to me. I might have to kill one or two more.

  Do you need my magick?

  I need to do this on my own. You won’t always be here to bail me out.

  Missy was relieved. Her inner reserves of en
ergy were nearly tapped out. She doubted she had enough to create another effective protection spell.

  As I reassert my authority over the council, I will declare a unilateral truce between reptiles and humanoids. The Bill-devil is dead, but you need to make sure other humans and vampires don’t attack us.

  The dragons must stop showing up where they can be seen.

  We will try. And humanoids need to stop making up crazy conspiracy theories.

  We will try, Missy said, though she knew her species was doomed to continue dabbling in self-destructive fantasies.

  I will send a gateway to you very soon. I’m sorry you and I found each other on opposite sides of this conflict.

  We’ll stay friends, she said. Be sure to see a healer right away about those wounds.

  He smiled a toothy dragon smile.

  I will. And we will. Remain friends, that is. Until we meet again, Missy.

  He flapped his massive wings and ascended from the canyon. Only a few minutes later, a circular area of shimmering air moved across the canyon floor toward her. As it neared, she felt the usual nausea and anxiety. But she gladly stepped through the gateway. She was eager to return home.

  16

  A Casual Offer

  The moment Missy stepped out of the gateway and into her living room, she was greeted by her two gray tabbies, Brenda and Bubba. They were showing genuine affection, not just demanding to be fed.

  She looked in the kitchen. The cat dishes contained half-eaten, but fresh, food.

  “Someone's been feeding you,” she said. “Did Matt come by?”

  They answered by rubbing themselves against her legs, their tails sticking upward in happiness. Matt had a spare key and was often her cat sitter.

  The toilet flushed in the guest bathroom to confirm her assumption.

  Matt walked out into the living room. His face lit up with joy when he saw her.

  “Thank God you’re all right and back,” he said, giving her a big hug that picked her off the floor. “Why couldn’t you return with me?”