Empress in Disguise, Book 1

by Zoey Gong

  But I don’t. Instead, I am afraid. Afraid for my safety. Afraid of being caught. Afraid of failing in my new duties that I don’t even understand. I am constantly watched now. There are guards posted outside my palace doors and two more who patrol around it at all hours. I have at least a dozen eunuch servants and a dozen maids. I haven’t seen all of them at one time to count them properly. I’ve hardly learned any of their names. But I’ve been told that someone will always be awake and alert to attend me, even while I sleep.

  But even now, in the middle of the night, I’m not sleeping. In the morning, I am to host my first audience as head of the harem in the empress’s absence. And I am dreading it. What will everyone think? What will they say? Will they even bow to me? Surely none of them will believe that I am worthy of such respect. Even I don’t think I’m worthy of such respect. I know I’m not worthy of it. I’m not Manchu! I’m not the daughter of a great general and a fine lady. Everything about me is fake and a lie. I shouldn’t even be here!

  I climb out of bed and a maid is immediately by my side with a candle.

  “Are you all right, my lady? Do you need to pass water? Shall I prepare your bowl?”

  “No,” I say, holding up my hand to shield my eyes from the light. “I can’t sleep. I thought I might walk in the courtyard.”

  “Yes, my lady,” she says, dropping to her knees and putting my slippers on my feet. She offers me her hand to help me stand, then another maid rushes over with a fur-lined cape. I hadn’t even seen her before. The constant attention is unnerving and makes me feel helpless, but there is nothing I can do about it.

  Eunuchs open the door to my bedroom for me, and then the doors that lead to the courtyard. I step out into the cool, crisp air. It’s late autumn now, so the nights are cold and I can see my breath in front of me. It doesn’t bother me, but I see the maid beside me shiver.

  “You don’t need to come with me,” I tell her.

  “But I do, my lady,” she says, and I give a small nod. Of course she does.

  “Then, hang back at the very least,” I say. “I’d like to be alone.”

  She bows, chewing her lower lip. I know she won’t be more than a few paces back, but as long as I can’t see her I can at least pretend she isn’t there. It isn’t completely dark out. There is the moon, of course, but the Forbidden City simply isn’t dark the way my old hutong was. There are lanterns outside every palace, and guards patrol with lanterns. Even here in the courtyard, there are lanterns layered with thick silk so that there is at least a soft glow is every corner.

  I walk around the pond and see ripples in the black water where the koi dart about. I pass by a window cut into the concrete wall that surrounds my palace and stop. The little hairs on the back of my neck and arms ripple down my skin. I look through the window, but see nothing. And yet…I know someone is there. I step closer and peer through, squinting in the dark. Across a wide walkway, there is a garden. I can see a few small green bushes, but not much else. But…there, next to one of the bushes is a shadow that…doesn’t quite fit. I focus my vision, trying to see…

  I yelp when a guard walks by, scaring me half to death. The maid is instantly by my side.

  “Are you all right?” she asks.

  “Yes, of course,” I say, my hand on my chest to soothe my racing heart. I glance back through the window, but I don’t see anything out of the ordinary. I let the maid lead me back to my bed-chamber, even though I am no more likely to sleep now than before. But no point in making her wait out in the cold for me.

  Back in my bedroom, the eunuchs close the doors behind me. The maid moves to the bed to tuck me in, and I reluctantly climb in. I lay with my eyes open, staring out into the room, and my thoughts drift to Prince Honghui. Could he have been the shadow I saw outside? Was he hoping I would meet him? That would be impossible now, considering how closely I am watched. I’ll probably never be able to speak to him privately again. And certainly never touch. Never kiss. Never…

  I have to wipe a tear from my cheek. I had already lost so much when I came to the Forbidden City. Everything. The one thing I had claimed for myself, my relationship with the prince, has now been taken from me as well.

  I am surrounded by people in my new palace. But I am completely alone.

  I am shaking so badly as I am carried in a sedan chair to audiences the next day, you would think I had caught a deadly chill. But I am nervous. Terrified! Since my appointment, the dowager has never paid me a visit as I expected her to. I thought she would want to begin my training right away. Instruct me in exactly how I am supposed to manage a harem of dozens of ladies—all of whom must hate me.

  When the chair stops, I nearly vomit as my stomach clenches. Thankfully, the sensation passes by the time Suyin offers her hand to help me from the chair. I look at the ground so that I can’t see if anyone is watching me. But when I enter the audience hall, what sounded like a swarm of bees instantly quiets. I can feel hundreds of eyes on me as Suyin leads me to my… I want to say chair, but it is not a chair. It is a throne. I can’t believe I am about to sit on a throne.

  My throat is completely parched, and when I open my mouth, no sound comes out. Which ends up being for the best because it is then that the dowager enters the room and stands next to me in front of her throne, which is set just as high as mine on the dais. I had thought it was lower and slightly behind the empress’s throne before, but perhaps I had been mistaken.

  The dowager sits without a word, and I follow suit. Everyone is silent, waiting for me to address them. I try to remember what it was that the empress said to us every morning, but my mind goes blank. I look to Suyin, and she mouths something to me, but I can’t understand her. I look out over the crowd of ladies and hear whispers from somewhere, and then giggling.

  “Good morning, ladies,” the dowager finally says, and all the ladies drop to their knees.

  “Good morning, Empress Mother,” they all say at once, and then they wave their handkerchiefs over their shoulders. Then they look to me.

  “Good morning, Consort Lihua,” they say, but it is not in unison, and not nearly as loud as their greeting for the dowager. Then, only some of them wave their handkerchiefs at me. I’m completely mortified and wish I would die.

  “How dare you snakes show such impertinence!” the dowager snaps, and gasps ripple through the gathered ladies. “Is this how you show respect to your superiors? I should have each one of you whipped!”

  All of the ladies cry out and bend over with their heads to the floor in full kowtows, muttering their apologies.

  “Do it again,” the dowager orders.

  “Yes, Mother,” they all say as they sit back up. They turn to me and, this time loudly and in unison, they greet me.

  “Good morning, Consort Lihua.” All of their handkerchiefs are waved at me three times.

  “Good morning, ladies,” I manage to say. “Please, sit.” When they are all in their chairs and quiet again, I am once again at a loss for what to say. I look at the dowager from the corner of my eye.

  “Since Lady An’s betrayal, there are going to be a lot of changes around here,” the dowager says. “Empress Caihong has been too lax, allowing all of you to show disrespect, slack in your duties, and spend money frivolously. All of that will change.”

  “Yes, Mother,” everyone says, including me. Fenfang shoots me a glance, and I realize I should not have spoken.

  “All positions within the harem will be reassigned,” the dowager continues. “And a new set of rules will be issued shortly. I expect all of you to comply with whatever Consort Lihua tells you to do.” I stiffen. Are the assignments and rules supposed to come from me? “Remember, it is the first and foremost duty of the harem to bring honor to the emperor and dignity to his house. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, Mother,” everyone says, except me this time.

  The dowager stands, and I follow suit. The girls all fall to their knees again.

  “You are dismissed,” she says. />
  “Thank you, Mother. Thank you, Consort Lihua,” they say. Then, row by row starting in the back, the ladies leave the audience room. Soon, only the dowager and I and our maids remain. I turn to the dowager and give a respectful bow. “Thank you for the assistance, Mother,” I say. “I am completely at a loss as to what to do.”

  “That much is apparent,” she says, somehow looking down her nose at me even though we are nearly the same height. “Your actions earned you your place, but it is clear that this is a task you are not equipped to handle.”

  “I agree,” I say. “I never asked for this.”

  The dowager stares at me for a long moment. I am sure I misspoke. What Manchu girl wouldn’t wish to be where I am now? But I can’t take back what I said now. I will have to be more careful about what I say in the future, even more careful than I have been.

  Finally, a slow grin spreads across the dowager’s lips. It is a small grin, barely perceptible, but a grin nonetheless.

  “Do not worry, child,” she says. “I will take care of everything.”

  I nearly cry with relief. “Thank you! Thank you so much!”

  “I will call on you later today and make sure you have everything you need.”

  “Of course,” I say, bowing again. “Thank you again.”

  The dowager leaves the room and I let out a long breath I was holding. “I thought for sure she would hate me as she does Caihong,” I say to Suyin.

  “She doesn’t hate you,” Suyin says. “You are not a threat to her position.”

  “What?” I ask, confused.

  “You know she’s not supposed to be here at all,” she says. “She’s not the head of the harem—you are.”

  “But…but you know I can’t do this,” I say. “If the dowager wants to take the lead, why should I not let her?”

  “You can do this,” Suyin says, holding both of my hands in hers. “Caihong was fifteen when she became empress. You are three years older than that now, and you’ve been living here for months. If she could lead the harem, then so can you.”

  “But she was a princess,” I say. “She was raised to be an empress.”

  “Fenfeng wasn’t,” Nuwa says. “She was selected among Manchu ladies just as you were. She was thirteen when she became a concubine. A rank six, just like you were. But she gave birth to the emperor’s son, the current emperor. That’s the only reason she is dowager now. She wasn’t trained for it. She didn’t earn it by saving an empress’s life. She wasn’t elevated because the emperor loved her. She lucked into it by falling pregnant.”

  The other maids all nod and murmur in agreement. But I’m not Manchu, I want to say, but I can’t. If I had been born Manchu, I would have at least known that life in the palace was a possibility for me. I shake my head.

  “You just don’t understand,” is all I can say.

  Suyin gives me a smile and pats my hand. “Everything will be all right. You’ll see.”

  All I can do is smile back, even though in my heart I know she’s wrong.

  28

  “This one says, ‘a new era of happiness is sure to never end’,” Jingfei, Empress Caihong’s daughter, says as she points to a square on the quilt we are sewing together.

  “Does it?” I ask. “You are quite clever.”

  “I can’t believe you can’t read,” the little girl says, and I just shake my head and smile.

  “I never imagined I would become an imperial concubine,” I say. “I should have prepared better.”

  “I’m going to marry a prince, you know,” she says. “Maybe in Mongolia. Then I can ride horses!”

  She then prattles on about horses while I continue to work, Suyin and Nuwa along with me, and also Dongmei, Lady An’s daughter. The girls are only a year and a half apart in age, but they could not be more different in disposition.

  Jingfei is loud and outgoing. She runs everywhere and laughs with ease. She has round cheeks and a short nose like her father, but her eyes and skin coloring she gets from her mother.

  Dongmei is quiet and reserved. She’s willowy with long arms and legs and an equally long face and nose. While Jingfei is pretty, I’d say Dongmei has a more classic beauty, like a girl from a painting.

  I’ve been inviting the girls to work with me every day for an hour or two in the afternoons on a “One Hundred Blessings Quilt,” a gift for Caihong’s son made up of one hundred squares embroidered with good wishes from loved ones. The squares were donated by the wives of important officials of the emperor’s court, the dowager empress, and a few ladies of the inner court. It’s a lot of work, but it will be beautiful in the end. I only hope we complete it before the baby comes…and that the baby is a boy.

  Everyone is confident that this child will be the much-needed heir…but I have my doubts. I don’t give voice to them because it might seem as though I am cursing the child to be a girl. And I don’t need anyone looking at me more critically than they already are. But there is no way to know if a child will be a boy before it is born, and no way to force such an outcome. Oh, there are old sayings and superstitions, of course, about how to conceive a son, but I don’t think they really work. Otherwise every family would have a son. In my mind, there is just as much a chance that the child will be a girl as a boy. But I hold my tongue.

  I rarely leave my palace except for the morning greetings, but when I do, I am mostly ignored by the other ladies. They see me, but they will walk the other way and talk about me behind their fans. They don’t try to hide it. Suyin and Jinhai have offered to find out what is being said, but I would rather not know. It can be nothing kind, I’m sure.

  I have tried to befriend the other ladies, sending gifts of painting supplies or hair ornaments when I can. I have not asked any of them to donate to poor relief like I had wanted. I have even invited Yanmei and Wangli to visit me, but they have politely declined every time. So, I have contented myself with spending time with the little princesses. They are so very clever for their ages, and I suppose that comes with the fine education they must be receiving. They remind me of my sisters. And while my heart is still pained that we cannot be together, having the princesses around me soothes the pain a bit.

  A kitchen maid appears with a tray of sweet treats and tea. Jingfei doesn’t bother asking for permission before jumping up and running over for a snack, nearly toppling her sewing basket in the process, but Suyin catches it. Dongmei watches her sister, but then continues her work.

  “You may have some,” I tell her.

  “No, thank you,” she says, keeping her head down, but I think I see her fingers shaking. I nod to Suyin and Nuwa that they may take a break, so they leave me alone with the little girl.

  “Is something the matter?” I ask her quietly.

  “No,” she says, but it is nearly a whisper, and then I see little tears slip down her cheeks. I put my hand on the square she is working on to stop her, then I put an arm around her shoulder.

  “You can tell me the truth,” I tell her.

  She is quiet for a long minute, staring at my hand, her needle poised. “My mother is dead.”

  My mouth gapes as I struggle for words. It has been weeks since Lady An killed herself. Did Dongmei not know until now?

  “Who told you?” I ask.

  “I heard the maids talking,” she says, wiping the tears from her eyes after dropping her needle into her basket. “They said she tried to kill the empress and was put to death. Is it true?”

  “When did you hear this?” I ask.

  “A few days ago,” she replies. “They…they had told me Mama was sick, and that was why she hadn’t come to see me for so long. I didn’t…didn’t know she was…was…”

  I wrap my arms around her and hold her close as she bursts into tears I am sure she’s been holding onto for days. The poor darling must have been in shock at the news.

  I have not used my authority in the harem even once. I don’t conduct morning greetings, I don’t manage spats or arguments, and I have not issued any
punishments, not even for the smallest infraction.

  But I think I must now. Dongmei’s servants should not have been gossiping about Lady An, and certainly not within earshot of the princess.

  “Is it true?” Dongmei whispers as she sniffles.

  “Your Mama has died,” I say. “But she did not try to kill the empress, I am sure of it.”

  “Then why is she dead?” Dongmei asks, looking up at me.

  I run my hand over her hair, smoothing where it has come out of its pins. “It’s very complicated, darling. Some people think she wanted the empress dead, but I don’t believe it. I think—I know—she was innocent.”

  She shakes her head, laying it on my shoulder. “I don’t understand.”

  “I know,” I say, rocking her. “When you are older, I will tell you everything. But don’t believe anything the maids say. They are only spreading hateful gossip. I will make sure they stop.”

  “Okay,” she says, still sniffling. “Where is Baba? He hasn’t come to see me in a long time either. Is he dead too?”

  “No! No, he’s fine. He’s just been very busy, I’m sure. He will see you soon, I promise.”