Love Finds Its Pocket

by Mary Scarpelli

  “I’ve been watching the news. There’s talk in the New York State legislature about legalizing gay marriage in New York State; it’s just a mater of time now. That Cuomo, he’s an Italian you know; he understands what love is – that it’s the most powerful emotion anyone can feel and if two adults are lucky enough to experience it, they should be allowed to sanction their love through the institution of marriage. He’s a good man. He won’t stop until they’ve agreed to pass it into law.

  “As soon as the law gets passed, I expect to open my mailbox and find an engraved wedding invitation sitting in it.

  “Oh Katherine, your lip just cracked when you smiled; you must be dehydrated. Is this your lip balm? Hold still while I apply it. I don’t like the way your straw looks, give me a minute to replace it with a new one. That’s right, sip slowly; you don’t want to vomit it back up. Why do you laugh, bella mia?” Antonia kissed her forehead again and wished her well, adding that she looked fabulous, had shown real strength of character throughout the entire process and knew that she’d be back on her feet in no time, that nothing could keep a good woman down for too long.

  “Oh, one more thing bella mia - Toni has agreed to let me stay with you for the first week after your release. Together we’ll take good, round-the-clock care of you. Get some rest and I’ll see you in a day or two.” Antonia kissed her again and left the recovery room.

  Kat was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support that Toni and her family was giving to her. She’d always been so fiercely independent from her family that she wasn’t quite certain how to process their response to her. In her hazy stupor, she lamented the lost years of her youth, knowing that the love she never received from her own, biological family was at the core of her mystification with people who couldn’t do enough for you, for whom no favor would ever be met with annoyance or a complaint of inconvenience. Antonia was the brand of mother she had longed for – had not realized how empty she had been without feeling what it was like to have a mother’s undying, unconditional love on offer.

  Going forward, her family would cease to be a consideration in her mind. Disaffectation or not, she was perplexed and offended that they couldn’t have been bothered to wait around until after the completion of her second surgery to hear firsthand how she had fared, as unconcerned as they must have been about the status of their only child. More likely, she mused, they had theatre tickets and wanted to grab a bite to eat beforehand.

  Anyway, there was no need to allow the excision of some diseased flesh to sully the entire evening! Offspring or not, life goes on. In their minds, phase two was merely plastic surgery and as her mother had undergone several elective procedures herself, to them, the second surgery was almost frivolous, not meriting their time and effort. Bastards. Tears filled her eyes but then dried as quickly. She resolved to waste no more sadness on them. Breast cancer was not going to be her death sentence. She intended to make the most of her new lease on life. She had much to live for, so decided she was going to eliminate toxins from her life, environmental and human alike and move forward to live in love. She once again smiled through moisture-deprived lips and looked over toward the curtain in eager anticipation of Toni’s return.

  ******

  Chapter 6

  Post-Convalescence Banter and other General Anecdotes

  “Mom! I need your help! Vieni qui. Prego, subito!” Toni was trying desperately to lift Kat into a sitting position, but a dead-weighted, hysterically laughing Kat, weighing perhaps fifteen pounds more than Toni and having five inches on her, was no easy feat. Antonia was closer in stature to Kat so quickly propped her up into a suitably balanced position with relative ease. Toni had been scared to death that she might drop her, busting open the stitches that were so tenuously securing the drainage bulbs or popping the temporary implant from its mooring. Kat tried to reassure her that nothing short of surgery would dislodge the expander, as securely as it had been positioned, but Toni chose to take a very conservative, utterly risk-averse route, which made her treat Kat’s body as if it were a fragile work of art.

  Kat, in her perpetual, Percocet-induced stupor, found the look of panic forming on Toni’s face to be unbearably hysterical. She groggily assured Toni that even if she were to drop her, no harm would be done as she would fall back onto a soft bed that would adequately cushion the impact, but Toni would have none of it. Nothing could dissuade her from believing that she had been charged with the most important responsibility of her life. Kat’s smoothly effected and successful convalescence was her top priority and she would not believe that Kat had made the successful transition from cancer patient to healthy, middle-aged cancer survivor until she received medical clearance from both doctors, watched as Kat leapt to her feet and resumed her incarnation as the physically imposing, confident, self-reliant Kat she had always been.

  What Toni failed to notice was that changes in Kat’s personality had already begun – ones in which the transformation, albeit not necessarily negative, would eventually become evident and permanent. Cancer would change her perspective on life, love and mortality in ways neither woman could have guessed.

  ******

  Kat was released from the hospital the day following her surgery, much to the surprise of Kat and family alike. She had gotten a decent night’s sleep despite being jostled awake every hour or so either by her private duty nurse or one of the floor nurses as they were responsible for confirming the constancy of her vitals, blood pressure, oxygen levels, temperature and resurgence of intestinal activity. The massagers on her calves felt wonderful; she made a mental note to procure a set once her convalescence was complete. She continued to refuse the morphine drip as an unnecessary intrusion into her mental well-being as the pain pills were effective in keeping her comfortable.

  Dr. Eclatant strode confidently into the room at eight o’clock sharp the following morning, a mere two hours after private duty nurse #2 started her twelve-hour shift. She looked so radiant and lovely that Kat felt compelled to ask whether she had slept through the entire day. When Dr. Eclatant looked quizzically at her, Kat explained that the good doctor looked like she was spruced up for a night on the town, that it couldn’t possibly be eight in the morning.

  “Sometimes, Katherine, my clothing choices are made specifically to convey a sense of calm in my patients, one that says life goes on, that we have the power to change our perspective on what could be construed as a rather negative circumstance and come out of it ready to resume ones life with gusto.” Doctor Eclatant’s smile was warm and radiant, a string of pearls gracefully flowing around her long, taut neck. Kat had already fallen madly in love with her – a rare gem in an otherwise overburdened profession.

  “I see. All that from a form-fitting dress and lovely string of pearls... I’ll try and remember that technique.” Kat’s throat was still raw from having been intubated but at least she had managed to rid herself of the suffocating, post-operative cotton-mouth that had been plaguing her from the moment she was brought out of her anesthetic slumber.

  “You look wonderful, Katherine. How are you feeling?” Dr Eclatant continued to observe her closely, noting that only a saline drip was being administered.

  “Interesting - you aren’t using the morphine drip. Just so you’re aware, people tend to heal faster when their bodies are not being stressed by pain. Taking an analgesic after you’re already in excruciating pain will lessen its beneficial impact.” Dr. Eclatant read through Kat’s chart as she awaited a response.

  “Oh, all things considered, I’m not in that much pain, really. And anyway, I don’t want to dull it all away. I think I’d rather remember this experience for what it is, for the rest of my life. This is real, this is my new reality and I want to remain cognizant of every moment.” Kat paused for a sip of water.

  “When I woke up in recovery, it felt like lead weights had been dumped on my chest but the pressure mostly subsided after I doubled up on the Percocet. That breathing apparatus thing said my oxygen lev
el is back to normal.

  “I am concerned though, that the heaviness might return if I back off on the double doses of pain meds. What do you think?” Kat inquired through a thick fog of thought.

  Kat waited patiently for an answer as Dr. Eclatant had already commenced the process of reconfirming Kat’s vitals, which at that point meant taking note of her blood pressure, checking the wound, her temperature and listening intently to Kat’s intestines for evidence of gurgling. She wore a smile that put Kat instantly at ease. She knew then that the unusually positive attitude she brought with her into the surgical suite and felt as she was being subdued into a medically induced unconsciousness were warranted. She had read that positivity was proven to be an effective healing mechanism, something she had initially written-off as new age hooey, but there she was, having gone through the surgery with a good attitude and survived with very few adverse after effects.

  “Oh yes, certainly. The heaviness is to be expected. But don’t worry. Your discomfort and pain level should continue to decrease every day; in a few days you might not even require pain meds. See this pain scale here? How would you quantify yours – post pain meds, that is? Oh, just a four? Good, good. Within two weeks you should be feeling like your old self again and have regained full mobility in your arm.

  “Has the physical therapist been in to see you yet? No? Okay then. I can’t release you until you’ve spoken with her and she’s given you instructions, both written and verbal, on how to exercise your arm. The last thing you want is for your shoulder to freeze – no need to introduce new problems into the equation.

  “I’m going to sign your release and leave it with the desk nurse, contingent upon Dr. Echeverria and the PT having seen you. Relax Katherine, the worst is over and you’re doing just fine. I’ll let you know when the pathology reports come back – about two weeks from now. Let’s schedule an appointment for then so we can have that discussion in person.

  “No, no Katherine - not because I’ll want you to be physically present before giving you bad news,” Dr. Eclatant chuckled then continued.

  “Make my staff aware of your appointment calendar with Dr. Echeverria and we’ll work around that. In the meantime, go home, get some rest, DO NOT worry and please trust me when I tell you that you’ll be back on your feet before you know it. This might be a good time to catch up on some backlogged reading material or do a marathon viewing of a show or two that you haven’t had time to watch. Just don’t dwell on the cancer!

  “Remember to stay as comfortable as possible, eat a balanced diet, rest, rest, rest and keep your positive attitude intact. You’ll get through this just fine,” Dr. Eclatant said, then wished her well and turned toward the door, smoothly, on her black suede, four-inch Prada’s.

  In the brightly lit, multi colored hallway, Dr. Eclatant strode past Toni like a woman on a mission, her heels making a clacking sound that reverberated throughout the empty corridor as she moved toward the bank of elevators. She was in a hurry to get back to her office as the revolving door of women with breast cancer, desperate to seek her expert counsel, was sadly without end. Toni ran after her to inquire about Kat’s status. Dr. Eclatant took a few moments to reassure Toni that all was well and that her partner had a very high probability of making a full recovery, telling her that in her experience, she found love to be a powerful motivator and the best medicine to help the patients deal with their new reality.

  “Give her your support and love and she’ll be back to her old self before you know it.” Toni was smiling so broadly and wanted to be polite but was bursting out of her skin with anticipation of witnessing for herself how her lover was faring. Toni reached over and, outside of the acceptable measures of protocol and professionalism, took a shocked Dr. Eclatant by her arms and kissed each cheek, thanking her profusely for being such a skilled surgeon and for saving Kat’s life.

  Within seconds, Toni had disengaged, running down the corridor and rounding the threshold of Kat’s room. Seeing that she was casually sitting up in bed, watching an early morning news program, Toni became immediately ecstatic. She ran over to the bed at which point she heard both the private duty nurse and Kat admonish her to slow down and take it easy. Toni stopped within inches of the bed, clasped her hands behind her back to prevent them from inadvertently touching Kat’s surgical site, and planted several quick kisses on her forehead, nose, cheeks, chin and lips. She repeated ‘I love you’ in several successive, near-breathless declarations of gratitude that her lover was alive and well. Kat looked ravishingly beautiful, more like a woman who had just experienced an overnight spa session rather than one whose body had been irreparably altered, someone whose life would never again be the same.

  “What, no breakfast Toni?” Kat’s humor drew a laugh from Toni and nurse alike, as indeed Toni could have eaten her whole at that moment.

  “Are you hungry? Have they fed you yet?” Toni asked with wide, anticipatory eyes.

  “I was just given clearance to eat - apparently my intestines have begun to gurgle again. But, I’m not really all that hungry – still pretty thirsty, though. Three bottles of water later, my mouth feels better but still kind of like it’s lined with sand. Stupid anesthesia.” Kat took notice of Toni’s eyes.

  “Did you get any sleep?” Kat asked but already knew the answer as Toni’s eyes were puffy and bloodshot.

  “There’ll be plenty of time for that later. I just ran into Dr. Eclatant in the hallway and she said that she’s clearing you for release today! Seriously? The hospital can’t spare the bed for one more night? I mean, you’ve just had a mastectomy for fucks sake. What’s the rush to speed-check you out on the street? It’s not like you don’t have excellent insurance coverage or anything.” Toni wanted to stay positive for Kat’s sake but was annoyed with the state of a health care system that sought to treat patients like they were on a medical hamster mill.

  “Hey, hey, it’s all right. Let it go, Toni. Please don’t get tense or you’ll make me tense too. I don’t need that vibe right now. I’m fine – I’ll be fine. We’ll just have the private duty nurse come home with us and if you don’t mind, please call the night shift nurse and give her our address. It’ll be even better for me to be in my own home, in my own bed – fewer interruptions to contend with and no nasty pathogens to infect me and slow my recovery and anyway, the nurses will be there so I’m not worried, nor should you be. I’ll be just fine.” Kat stopped speaking to take a few sips of water.

  “Good morning Katherine! Dr. Eclatant said that you were up and about but I didn’t realize you would look so radiant! Well, let’s take a look at your surgical site. No, no, Toni is it? You don’t have to leave – not unless your girlfriend wants you to.” Dr. Echeverria, his lovely curls no longer constrained underneath a surgical cap, pulled the curtain around the bed at which point the private duty nurse took the opportunity to seek out a much needed restroom and coffee break.

  “Okay, very good, very good. The site looks good – come closer Toni. Take a look at what’s going on here.”

  Kat saw the look of horror forming in Toni’s eyes, regardless of how desperately she sought to hide her shocked reaction there it was, out in the open with nothing to shelter it from Kat’s view. Kat hadn’t shed even one tear over her condition - not when she initially was given the cancer diagnosis, not when she apprised her colleagues of her need to take off a few weeks from work due to a health concern that required tending, not when she told Toni and her family – not once. She didn’t count her recovery room bawl with Antonia since she classified those as tears of happiness borne from the bond she felt with her new mother. But seeing the shock in Toni’s eyes forced her to confront the reality that her beautiful body had been surgically altered toward a less aesthetically pleasing conclusion and would never again be the same. She would be forced to, from that point forward, think differently about herself, her longevity, her mortality, her new physicality, her identity as a woman – everything.

  Although she had never take
n her body for granted, nor did she define herself by it, Kat feared that her new physical incarnation would feel alien to her, upended with no hope of securing a positive self-image. No more parading her nude self from locker to shower stall at the gym, no more topless sunbathing and, depending on the aesthetic of the end result, perhaps the need to purchase a new wardrobe, more supportive undergarments and looser tops. She had always enjoyed having her nipples fondled, the intense sensation derived from a tongue lightly grazing, pushing down, pulling up, sending waves of pleasure throughout her entire body, now to be relegated as a distant memory. A tear slipped from each eye. She looked away from Toni to prevent a torrent of sadness from materializing. Toni moved closer and held her hand.

  “You look well. How do you feel, Katherine?”

  “Overall, I’m feeling better than I expected to – much better than last night, that’s for sure.” Kat replied, her eyes still cast down.

  Toni leaned in and kissed her forehead, running her free hand through Kat’s luxurious mane.

  Being highly observant, Dr. Echeverria said, “I would recommend that you not spend too much time in front of the mirror during this phase of the reconstruction. No need to dwell on the appearance of this transitional device. Just think of it as a necessary evil,” he added with a wink.

  “And I must say, I love your tattoos, they are so artistically rendered. Was it a painful process?” He asked.

  “The mastectomy was a cake walk by comparison, if you can believe it!” Kat said to several rounds of laughter. His attention quickly returned to business.

  “Over the next day or two, have Toni and your nurse check for any signs of necrosis – do you know what that is? Good – you’ve done your homework. Have them check for it. We need to make certain there’s no infection so the next few days will be crucial. Call my office immediately if you suspect something seems ‘off’, if you develop a fever or the site turns reddish or if you see any pus formations. You were given an infusion of antibiotics during surgery so you should be fine but that being said, it’s prudent to remain vigilant.