Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “I wouldn’t start on him,” Aiden said as he came into the bar area and picked up a glass so he could get a soda. “I mean, give Cameron and Beckham enough time, and they’ll come up with something that pisses you off. You really don’t want that. But, don’t come back into the kitchen either. You upset the chef, too. Maybe you can take Dillon’s job busing and waiting tables. I’ll take the kid back and show him the ropes, and you can do what you’re good at.” Aiden winked, took a sip of his soda, and then went back towards the kitchen. Since his back was to me, he didn’t see me flip him off, but everyone else did and laughed.

  “Very professional, brother,” Cameron said, winking. “Do you do that to all of us when our backs are turned?”

  “Just as much as you flip me off. It’s sort of a family thing.”

  “I just love seeing you guys together,” Ed said from his spot at the bar after he’d sipped his beer. Ed was a long-time customer who hadn’t left when Jack died. He had known Jack and Rose before all of us were even part of the family. And he’d stayed, while others had left.

  And that meant that he got free wings every once in a while. But I didn’t think that was why Ed kept coming. He came because he liked routine, and he enjoyed the bar. And, hopefully, he liked us.

  “Some days are harder than others,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m going to the back to look over the books, but if you need me, I’ll come and wait tables.” I drawled out the last bit, and Cameron and Beckham just laughed. Well, Cameron laughed. Beckham just smiled before going back to his work. The man was always quiet, and I had no idea what really went on beneath that beard of his. So, because nobody wanted me behind the bar—something that I had known would happen as soon as I walked in—I went back to the office and looked over the books.

  We had an accountant, but I was the one who got everything ready for them. I probably could have done the accounting on my own, but I’d rather have an actual professional who knew what they were doing for tax purposes.

  However, somebody needed to keep up with the daily things and make sure we were on the right track. There were other plans in the works to help the bar stay in the black and increase our revenue—things like specials, ads, and branding.

  We had another pool tournament coming up, although us Connollys weren’t really joining in. I had a feeling that Aiden and Sienna might want to play because they had been disqualified the first time and wanted to reclaim at least a bit of the dignity they thought they’d lost.

  But I didn’t think the rest of us were really in the mood to do it. It didn’t matter though, because the other bar owners would be joining in again, as would some of the patrons who wanted to show off their skills. That was fine with me since there was a fee to enter, and that meant more beer flowing and food being served every night. The food part was always a little tricky because people wanted bar food, but sometimes they wanted something that wasn’t just onion rings or nachos or wings.

  That’s where Aiden stepped up to the plate. Since we’d been back in Denver, or at least at this place, Aiden had added more things to the menu, constantly changing up some of the appetizers for specials. I knew that had pissed off some of the staff, but in reality, it really wasn’t that different every day, and Aiden plainly wrote it out for them. And if my waitresses and waiters couldn’t figure out one new menu item each night, then maybe they shouldn’t work here.

  Dillon had figured it out just fine and was doing great, even though I knew his hours would be changing completely soon because he would be in school. Dillon was going to the University of Colorado at Denver, the same place Cameron’s girlfriend, Violet worked. Although, they likely wouldn’t ever see each other since Violet worked in the science building, and Dillon would be working on his gen-ed classes.

  Maybe even some business classes, though I wasn’t exactly sure what he would be taking yet. That reminded me that we needed to figure out his class schedule in the next week or so, so I jotted everything down.

  Dillon probably already had it all done on his own, the kid was whip-smart. Sometimes, it was hard for me to remember that even though he had just come into my life and technically wasn’t related to me like he was to Cameron and Aiden, the kid was family, and I couldn’t actually control him like I wanted to.

  Control wasn’t the best word for that. No, I just wanted to make sure he had every opportunity available to him. He hadn’t had a lot of those growing up, not until Cameron came into his life.

  I winced as I unlocked my jaw, unaware that I was so tense. I hated that we’d missed out on so much of Dillon’s life due to our lack of communication and our petty disagreements.

  It was my fault, just like it was Aiden’s and Cameron’s, that we’d split up and stopped talking to each other. Things were better now, fucking amazing even, but we still had to work on not being idiots.

  I knew we would be better at that, though. Because we had made that mistake once, and we weren’t going to do it again. We were different people now. Stronger. And I refused to lose out on time with my brothers and this new friendship we had with the others. I refused.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. I just needed to be okay and live in the moment. I was about twenty minutes into my work when the door opened, and Dillon popped his head in.

  “You decent in there?” the kid asked, and I rolled my eyes just like he often did. Apparently, Dillon was rubbing off on all of us.

  The fact that he was eighteen and we still called him kid just reminded me that I was getting older. It didn’t matter that I was only almost thirty, I was still the oldest of the bunch of us.

  And I felt it in my bones. Well, not really, but I knew that day would come. Apparently, almost reaching thirty was the pinnacle where you realized that maybe you were just a little old.

  “Decent? I guess so.”

  Dillon grinned and walked in, a beer in one hand and a swagger to his step.

  My brows rose. “Drinking a little early, aren’t you? If an undercover cop comes in here and sees you with that beer in your hand outside of the restaurant area, we’re shut down.”

  “That’s not true. Plus, my lips have gone nowhere near this. I’m not going to ruin Jack and Rose’s place just because it’d be good. Not that I’ve ever actually had a beer, I’ve been sweet. Innocent. A saint.”

  I snorted and then took the beer from him. “Sure. You keep telling yourself that. Because you know what? Cameron, Aiden, and I were perfectly sweet and innocent, as well.”

  This time, it was Dillon who rolled his eyes. “Cameron’s told me some stuff, so I’m going to go with not so innocent.”

  I set down the beer and shook my head. “No, we were really good. Well, once we moved under Jack and Rose’s roof, we were. I mean, we could have been better, but we weren’t bad.”

  “Ah, that middle of the road. But I swear, I haven’t had a sip of that beer. I’m not going to screw things up. I promise.”

  I leaned back in my chair, nodding. “I believe you. I know that things were a little iffy at first with how you were going to work things out here, but you’re doing well. I promise.”

  “Yeah, good enough to realize that starting school in the spring is kind of stupid, don’t you think?”

  I frowned and then looked up at him. “What do you mean? You don’t want to go to school anymore?”

  Dillon stuffed his hands into his jeans’ pockets and shrugged. “No, I want to go. I should have gone in the first place. It’s more about the whole out-of-state tuition thing. Cameron and I still have a year left to live here. Because even though he’s not technically my dad, he was my guardian for long enough that they’re taking his California residence into consideration. And we haven’t lived here for a full year yet. That means we have a semester of out-of-state tuition before we can apply for in-state. And that’s not cheap.”

  I sighed, closing my eyes. “It’s not. It’s a little ridiculous. But the states want their students to go and stay in school in their own states. There
fore, they give them incentives. I know it’s ridiculous, but you’re not going to the main campus, just UCD. Not that there’s anything just about it. The school’s amazing. Violet wouldn’t be working there if it didn’t have a great program.”

  “I’m not exactly in her program,” Dillon countered.

  “No, you’re not going into science, but you are taking gen-ed classes. And we can look into you going to one of the community colleges instead. There’s still time.”

  Dillon shrugged. “Maybe that would have been smart. But I kind of wanted to get into a university because I screwed up so badly in the first place. You know?”

  I understood. I got up from behind the desk and moved forward to put my hand on the kid’s shoulder. He didn’t flinch, didn’t back away. I took that as a good sign. Because even at Dillon’s age, any of the three of us would have flinched. We had been through shit, and Dillon had a little bit as well, but Cameron had shielded him from the worst of it. And for that, I would be forever grateful to my brother.

  “You screwed up, but you’re fixing it. If you want to go to the University of Colorado at Denver, then we’ll pay for it. You don’t need to worry about that. You had good grades and are currently showing a fantastic work ethic. You do need to worry about keeping your job and keeping up your grades, though. Because if you fail, then you’re fucked. Because we’re not going to bail you out. So, you need to work your ass off. If you do, you’ll be fine. Yeah, a semester of out-of-state tuition won’t be the nicest thing in the world, but I’ve got money, and so does Cameron. And I bet Aiden does too, though he hoards it all like a little dragon.”

  “I thought you were the dragon that hoards things?” Dillon said, grinning.

  “That may be true. Connolly dragons, I kind of like the sound of that, it has a nice ring to it.”

  “Maybe we can get like a little mascot or something for the bar.”

  I snorted. “You know, that doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea. Okay, why don’t I take this beer that you just painstakingly brought to me, and we can go down to the bar so I can help out? I probably shouldn’t be drinking on the job anyway.”

  “Cameron’s the one who sent it up. Said that you’re supposed to take the day off because you already worked a full shift at your other job.”

  I sighed and took a sip, holding in a moan at the taste. It was one of Cameron’s new brews, and I was in love. “Maybe taking a day off would be fine.”

  “And a single beer isn’t going to screw you up in case we get busy.”

  “Speaking of busy, you’d better get back down there before Cameron or Aiden finds a reason to start yelling.”

  “It would be Aiden that would yell first. Right?”

  I sighed. “Yep. He’s the one with the temper, even though most people think it’s Cameron.”

  “It’s the twin thing, isn’t it?”

  I nodded and then followed Dillon back into the bar area. Aiden and Cameron were twins, though they had spent some of their youth split apart in different foster homes. And though I was the oldest brother, I was the one not related by blood to any of them. But we were all brothers. No matter what.

  I set my beer back on the work table in the corner, one that we only filled with customers when the place was packed. I looked out at everyone milling around and figured we might reach capacity tonight. I smiled. It sounded like a good plan to me.

  I let the stress of both jobs leave my mind, then the sadness that had been filling me regarding my friend who was no longer here, and the woman whom he’d left behind, as well. I didn’t think about Moyer that often, but now that I really thought about it, I was doing it more often of late. I just wanted to relax and not think about anything.

  “Hey, Brendon,” Beckham called out. “There’s someone here looking for you.”

  I sat up a little straighter, thinking for a moment that it might be Harmony. I didn’t know why that was the first thought that came to mind, but it would have been nice to see her. Although I didn’t know if she was coming in tonight at all. I missed her, and it had only been a day since I’d seen her. That probably meant I needed to put some distance between us, but I wasn’t always a smart man.

  I moved up to the front of the bar, looking around for Harmony and then freezing when I saw exactly who was at the other end of the bar.

  “What are you doing here?” I said the words, my voice wooden, emotionless.

  Because I knew who it was. I just hadn’t seen him in years.

  Hadn’t even known if he was still alive. But do they tell you when your estranged dad dies? Do they tell you any of that?

  Do they somehow find your adult children after you die even if you were a lowlife piece of shit?

  I didn’t think they did. But then again, I didn’t really trust the system anymore. I hadn’t when I was younger, forced to do things I’d rather not talk or even think about. The system had failed me more times than I could count, and the only time they’d ever done anything good for me was when they brought me to Jack and Rose.

  Now I looked at the man who had sold me for drugs and wondered what the fuck was wrong with my life that this could happen.

  I’d known I was too happy.

  I had known that things were going okay, and I was smiling more than I had been before. I knew the nightmares were there, but I hadn’t picked up my go-bag in a long time. Of course, things were going too well.

  And, of course, things were here to fuck it all up.

  “I just want to talk, son.”

  I held up my hand, rage filling me even through the void of coldness. “Don’t call me that. I’m not your son.”

  “Okay.” Sam nodded quickly. His eyes darted around, and I knew others were watching, even though I wasn’t raising my voice. I was trying not to make a scene, but it wasn’t easy when this asshole was in front of me.

  “You need to go.” I forced out the words, trying not to scream.

  I was aware that Cameron, Aiden, Beckham, and even Dillon were around, watching, waiting. And I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Didn’t want to do anything.

  So, I took a right, went to get my jacket from behind the bar, and left without another word.

  Sam wasn’t supposed to be there. But if he was, I couldn’t be, not under the same roof.

  It was either leave or try to rip out the man’s heart. And I wasn’t even sure he had one.

  Bile filled my throat, and I was aware that Cameron was running after me, shouting my name.

  But I didn’t care. I just needed to go home, needed to get away from it all. I needed to take a shower. Do something. As long as I was clean, everything would be fine. He wouldn’t touch me again.

  That man was from my past. It was all in my past.

  And I wasn’t going to let it touch my present.

  I wasn’t going to let it touch me.

  Not anymore.

  Chapter Seven

  I miss boring dates. I miss cuddling on the couch. I just miss you.

  - Harmony to Moyer. 2 months ATE.

  * * *

  Harmony

  Tonight was round two. Or perhaps it was just part two of round one. Who knows? I wasn’t really good at boxing metaphors, and I figured I should probably stop and start something new. After all, this was my first date with another man. My second first date since deciding that I needed to get out of the house and learn to live amongst others again.

  This man was named Tim. He was sweet. He had a slightly weak jaw, but not everybody could have a perfect jaw. He had kind eyes, though they did wander while we were talking sometimes as if he got distracted or wasn’t really paying attention to me. Maybe I was just reading too much into it, and he could multitask. After all, he was a computer analyst, he probably did that every day.

  Multiple times a day.

  So, him not looking at me while we were talking was probably just fine.

  A point in his favor, however, was that when I ordered my rosemary chicken with a side of creamy mashed
potatoes and buttery broccoli, he didn’t say a word. Hadn’t commented about the butter, or the starches, or about the martini I had ordered instead of wine.

  He hadn’t said anything at all.

  In fact, I wasn’t really sure if he even noticed I had eaten.

  But it was just a first date, and I had to stop being so overly critical.

  “So, you’ve lived in Denver your whole life then?” I asked, playing with my potatoes. I hadn’t eaten much, and I was a little too nervous to eat more than I already had. That just meant I’d have leftovers to devour later. I liked food, and I hated wasting it, but I also couldn’t eat when I felt like I was doing something wrong.

  Why was this date so boring? Did I just hang too much on it? Or maybe I just remembered the good ones I used to have and was trying to compare them. I couldn’t. This was a different time. Dating had changed so much, even in the last few years, and I wasn’t very good at it, apparently. This time, I was on a date set up by another friend at work, one who said Tim would be perfect for me. Now, I was questioning my choices in all manner of things. Like why was she even working for me if she thought Tim would be perfect for me?

  I needed to stop thinking like that. Everything was fine. I was just stressing out for no reason.

  Tim cleared his throat. Again. How much phlegm could the man actually have? It seemed it was all he kept doing. It was like there was something lodged in there, and he couldn’t quite cough it out.

  Every time he spoke, even in between sentences or in the middle of a sentence, he cleared his throat. I didn’t really understand it, but I had to stop being so picky.

  So judgmental.

  But when he did it again, I just smiled, holding back my wince.

  I was doing this whole dating thing wrong. Why was I doing this again?

  “Yes, I’ve lived in Arvada my whole life. My parents actually live next door. It was just luck that the Andersons moved out and I could purchase the house next to theirs. It’s nice being so close. I mean, I lived in their home for most of my life, so having a place of my own is a little easier. Especially if I ever have a date.” He winked and then cleared his throat. Again. I had to suppress the wince.