Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  A wink, just like my first date, and clearing his throat. Apparently, every man had a tic that I was going to find and get annoyed with. This was all on me, not him. He was nice.

  And then I frowned, going back over his words. “You live next door to your parents? That’s actually quite nice. I wished I lived closer to mine, even though we live in the same city. But even with the suburbs being so close together, sometimes it can take up to an hour to get there with traffic.”

  Tim smiled. His eyes were quite nice, very kind. I had to remember that.

  “Oh, yeah, I love living next to them. I mean, it was easier to get food and my laundry done when I was actually living with them, but the past couple of years living outside the home, it’s been kind of nice having my independence. But Mom does come over to help me with the laundry and stuff. And it’s just easier for her to fill my fridge if she actually has the key. You know? I mean, I’m really busy, and she really loves doing it. My mom’s an amazing woman.”

  Oh. Great. Apparently, he’d lived with his mother until he was twenty-eight. In this economy, that actually wasn’t that bad. I was very lucky in my station, in my family. I knew that. Other than losing my best friend and my husband, my life had actually been quite nice.

  Yes, those two shadows broke me time and again, but I was okay. And, yes, I kept telling myself that, but it was a coping mechanism, and it had worked just fine for the last two years.

  However, it didn’t sound as if Tim had stayed with his parents for financial reasons. Not with his job. I knew through my co-worker that Tim had been working in his high-income job for longer than he had lived outside of his parents’ home.

  I couldn’t help but judge him just a bit, and I hated myself for it.

  Just because he’d lived with his parents up until recently didn’t mean that he had leeched off of them. It didn’t mean that he was one of the clichéd kids living in his parents’ basement.

  “I’m glad that you have your own home now. It must be nice.”

  “Oh, it is, but sometimes I wish I could just move back there. You know? It’s just so hard to do everything on my own. But I’m lucky that my mom likes to take care of most things for me. You know what I mean?”

  No, I really didn’t know what he meant. And I was a little confused. “I suppose. But you have your own place, you have a great job. And now you get to come out and hang out in the city.”

  “Oh, yeah, I don’t really go out to dinner much. At least, not with women. You know? I am not really good at the whole dating thing.”

  Neither was I. But I didn’t say that. It was pretty evident.

  “Don’t worry, I’m getting pretty okay at it.”

  He leaned forward and put his hand on mine. I resisted the urge to pull back. Just because I didn’t really understand his choices and he kind of annoyed me and there was literally no chemistry between us, didn’t mean I had to be rude.

  “I’m glad you’re here tonight. It’s nice going out with a woman as beautiful as you are.”

  “Oh, thanks.” What was I supposed to say to that? I felt just as awkward as he seemed, but hopefully, I didn’t put out the creepy vibes like he was.

  “Anyway, as I was saying, my parents do live next door, but they won’t be at my house tonight. So, we’ll be all alone. Just the two of us, if you know what I mean.” He grinned and leaned forward.

  Suddenly, the four or so bites of my meal I’d taken settled in my stomach like a rock. I had no desire to sleep with this man, no desire to see him again actually, especially after this moment.

  Were men always so forward like this? Or maybe he wasn’t being forward at all, and I was just being ridiculous. I could see that, being ridiculous. I wasn’t very good at this dating thing. Maybe I just saw all the bad things at once.

  “How’s your meal?” I said, deliberately changing the subject.

  His kind eyes weren’t very nice anymore, the look in them had hardened just a bit. He squeezed my hand, and I quickly moved it away, not wanting his touch anymore.

  “My meal is just fine. Did I say something wrong?” And then he looked at me, his eyes going kind, soft, and oh so sickly sweet again. He snapped his fingers. “Oh, right, I forgot. You were married, right? Didn’t he die or something? I’m trying to remember what Candace told me. Yeah, he died, right? Oh, shit. Is this your first date since that? Because I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live up to that. You know? That’s a lot.”

  I just blinked at him, wondering why Candace would think that this was okay. Clarisse had thought that my other date, Jason, was fine. She had been wrong. Candace believed that Tim would be fine, and she was definitely wrong.

  My hand shook, and my palms turned clammy.

  Tim just kept saying dead. Dead and husband, together, over and over again. Or maybe it was only on a loop in my mind.

  I knew my husband was dead. I knew he was gone. I lived with it every day of my life. I didn’t need a stranger saying it over and over to me, worried that he was going to hurt my feelings. Because he’d already done that. He’d already done way more than that. It didn’t make any sense to me. Why was I on a date with this man?

  And why would he just snap his fingers and suddenly remember that Moyer was gone? He hadn’t even known Moyer.

  It felt like I was tarnishing my husband’s memory just by being next to Tim.

  And so, I wiped my mouth, gave a pleasant smile, and stood up.

  “What? Did I say something wrong? I mean, he is dead, right? You’re not like cheating on him, are you? Because I’m not into that. But you’re free, right?”

  I just shook my head, took my purse, and laid out a couple of bills on the table. It looked like I was splitting the bill again. “You’re right, Tim, you’re really not very good at dating. Yes, my husband is gone, but he’s of no concern to you. I will not be going home with you. And you really need to look at your life and wonder why you’re relying on your parents so much even though you think you’re independent. No, don’t open your mouth, don’t speak. Because you’re lucky I didn’t splash the rest of my martini in your face. I would really hate to ruin and waste this drink. And you know what? I was really looking forward to finishing my meal at home when I didn’t have to deal with you, but now, I’ll just look at it and think about the way you tried to make me feel. The insecurities that came through your mouth as you thought that maybe I would want to be with you were clear. But that’s not the case, Tim. It was never the case. And maybe you should learn something about sensitivity, because you’re just an ass.”

  The woman next to me clapped just a little, and so did her friend at the table. I gave them a regal nod, picked up my coat, and sauntered out of the restaurant.

  I was shaking, and bile filled my mouth again, but it wasn’t because I was scared. It wasn’t because I was afraid that Tim would come after me. After all, I’d left him looking like a guppie, his mouth open as if wondering why I would say such cruel things to him.

  Maybe he would talk to Candace, and Candace would talk to me, but I didn’t care.

  Because I wasn’t doing this again. I wasn’t going on a date with dear old Tim.

  Because he was an insensitive jerk, and I had learned long ago to stand up for myself. I wasn’t rude, I was just honest. He could go fuck himself.

  I’d only had two sips of my martini, so I was just fine to drive home.

  I grumbled and waited for the valet to bring my car around.

  I was just so angry, so dejected.

  Why wasn’t I any good at this? I should have been better. Right?

  I mean, it was always going to be hard. The idea of me trying to move on after losing my husband was always going to be painful. But why did it have to feel like a joke at the same time?

  I didn’t feel a single connection to either of the men that I had sat across from at dinner.

  I didn’t feel any pull, no tug. I didn’t feel that clutch in my belly that told me that it might be something. That maybe i
t wouldn’t be serious, but perhaps I could just be happy for the moment.

  But I hadn’t felt that at all. Maybe most of it was because I was still slightly numb after losing Moyer. I figured I’d always be a bit numb to the world because I had lost him. After all, he had taken part of my heart with him, leaving behind a frozen, pale shadow of who I had been.

  And that was fine. We were supposed to scar after the loss of a loved one. We should mark and alter the ones we love wholeheartedly.

  I wouldn’t be who I was now without Moyer. I wouldn’t be the person I was today without the loss of him. I was a different woman with each breath that I took because of the pain that I went through, and because of the love that I felt for him—because he had loved me with every ounce of himself, as well.

  And it was okay that I was still trying to find a new version of myself. That I was trying to find happiness again. Maybe not pure bliss, because I wasn’t sure that would ever happen again. But I missed companionship, I missed having someone on the other side of the table that could make me smile and make me feel wanted.

  I missed that.

  And shoring up the courage after two years to even say yes to a date was something that had made me sob in my bathtub.

  I had said yes to my first date, then had thrown up, and then had turned on the shower to hot and sank into my tub.

  I had let it fill up, and just let myself sit there as the water beat down on me. After, I sank down into the hot, soothing liquid.

  I had tried so hard for so long to act like I was okay. I wasn’t. My friends had tried to make sure I understood they saw that. They had done their best to make me understand what I had lost and what I had become.

  Going out on a date had seemed so strange, so heartbreaking.

  But Violet, Sienna, and even Meadow and Allison had been there for me.

  Allison was gone now, and Meadow hadn’t known me when I was with Moyer, but when Allison was alive, she had been supportive. And Meadow knew the new me, and she was supportive, as well.

  Everybody tried so hard to make sure that I was okay, and I just kept failing at it.

  Why did people who wanted me to be happy put me on dates with such terrible men? Were they terrible because they weren’t Moyer? I shook my head as I pulled into my driveway. No, that wasn’t the case. Because there were good men out there. The Connollys were some of them. The way Cameron cared for Violet told me that there were good men out there—good, caring, wonderful men who didn’t stand by when others were in pain.

  Brendon and Aiden were that, as well.

  Brendon was even there for me now, and he was a person that I could sit across the table from and feel wanted, even if it was just in friendship. He never made me feel like I was less than, like things were awkward because he wasn’t Moyer. He was Brendon, he was someone different, and I would be forever grateful that he was back in my life as my friend.

  I toed off my shoes as I walked into my house, then took off my earrings and poured myself a glass of wine.

  It wasn’t even eight at night, far too early to be home from a date, but I was hungry, and the experience had been horrendous. I looked down at my phone and frowned.

  I hadn’t spoken to Brendon in a couple of days. Maybe I just needed a voice that told me that everything would be okay. Maybe that was selfish, but after a date like the one I’d just had, I needed that.

  I would have called one of my girlfriends, but Violet was on a date with Cameron, and I knew Sienna was out with some of her co-workers, celebrating the promotion of one of her work friends.

  I didn’t know Meadow well enough to call her and talk about nothing in particular, but Brendon was my friend. I was allowed to call him. Right?

  Before I thought too hard about it, I pulled out my phone, brought up his contact, and called.

  He answered on the second ring, and I sighed in relief. Brendon would make everything better. I would lean on him, and hopefully, he would lean on me one day.

  If the man ever leaned at all.

  “Harmony? Is everything okay?” His voice was a bit low as if he had been sleeping or just quiet for too long.

  “I’m fine, am I interrupting? I know it’s not too late, but you sound as if you were sleeping?”

  I could hear him rustling around as if he were sitting up, and I winced. “I wasn’t sleeping, just hanging out on the couch doing nothing. Had a long day. You okay, Harmony?”

  “I’m fine, I promise. I just went on a really bad date and wanted to talk to a friend. But now I realize that I might be annoying you.” I hated how whiny I sounded. I should probably just heat up some leftovers, take a bath, and then go to bed. That would be best for everyone involved. But I had just wanted to hear a friendly voice. Now, I regretted that.

  “A bad date? Did he hurt you?” The urgency and anger in Brendon’s tone surprised me even though it shouldn’t have. Brendon was very protective of his friends, and I tried not to make him think I needed to be protected all the time.

  “He didn’t hurt me. He was just a butthead. Actually, I think I called him an ass to his face, if that helps.

  Brendon barked out a laugh, but I could tell there was something strained about it. “That’s good to hear,” he said softly. “Because I’ll go kick his ass for you if you want. I can still do that.”

  “You keep offering to kick asses for me. I don’t really know what that means.” There was silence, and I wondered what I had said that caused it.

  “It just means that I’m here for you, Harmony. I’m sorry the guy was an ass. Did you at least get a good meal out of it?”

  This time, I laughed. “Not even close. Couldn’t even enjoy my food. And because I was so angry, I didn’t even want to look at the food that I had with him. I left it on the table. Meaning I’m about to heat up something and pretend it’s the delicious meal I wanted.”

  “See, now I’m going to have to kick his ass because you don’t stand in your way when it comes to food.”

  “Oh, shut up,” I said, laughing again.

  “Hey, we don’t share food. I know the rules. That’s what I like about you, there are boundaries. And we both love food.”

  “Thanks for making me laugh. Today sucked, but I’m smiling now, so I guess it was good that I called you.”

  “You’re always welcome to call me, Harmony. Always.”

  There was silence, and I wondered what he was thinking, but it was so hard to tell with him sometimes.

  “Is everything okay with you? We’ve been talking about me for so long that I never really get to ask you how you’re feeling.”

  Silence again.

  “Brendon?”

  “I’m fine. Just a hard day. I’m sure you’re going to hear about it from the others eventually.”

  I stiffened. “What happened?”

  “Nothing I really want to talk about right now, Harmony. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I said, a little hurt though I didn’t know why. “But I’m here if you need me. Our conversations never have to be one-sided, Brendon. You’re always there for me, so I hope you know I’m always here for you.”

  “I know.” He mumbled something else, but I didn’t hear it.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. I’m fine, Harmony. You should go eat and relax after your night.”

  There was something off about him, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. But he didn’t want to tell me, so I wasn’t going to bother him about it.

  Maybe he would tell me eventually. And perhaps I’d just get it out of him. Because that’s what friends were for, to be there for each other even when you didn’t want to talk about things. Because sometimes those things just needed to be aired.

  “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay, Brendon? Because if the others are already going to talk to me about it, I would rather hear about it from you. I know I’m pushing, and I’ll stop if you tell me to. I promise.”

  He sighed. “My birth dad showed up. The guys are probably going to talk to you
about it later because that’s what we always do, we talk. But I’m fine. Just tired.”

  “Oh, Brendon.” I didn’t know much about his birth father, only that Brendon had been pulled into the system and then subsequently placed in Jack and Rose’s house around the same time that Aiden and Cameron came to live with them.

  I knew that whatever happened had to be bad, something that gave him nightmares, but I never pushed. Because it wasn’t my place, even though I hated the fact that he was hurting.

  As someone who disliked when all of my business was constantly being aired, and everybody needed to ask me if I was okay or how they could maybe try and fix it even though they couldn’t…I understood.

  So, I wasn’t going to push.

  “Just know that I’m here for you,” I said quickly. “And I’m not going to ask you anything else. Because if you don’t want to talk about it, I’m not going to make you. Believe me, I won’t make you talk about anything you don’t want to.”

  Brendon let out a breath. “I know. I’ll talk to you soon, okay? I’m sorry your date sucked. I’m glad you called. I’m always glad when you call, Harmony.”

  There was that weird clutch.

  “Good night, Brendon.”

  “Good night, Harmony.”

  He disconnected the call, and I looked down at my phone, wondering if I had messed up.

  I never wanted him to feel like I was a burden, and I always wanted to help. But sometimes he just needed space. So, I would give him that, if that’s what he needed. And then I would be in his face to make sure he was okay, just like he did for me.

  Because he was my friend, and he deserved everything I had.

  Even if I didn’t know what I had left to give.

  Chapter Eight

  Brendon

  I’d slept for shit, and the nightmares had been the worst they’d ever been. It didn’t matter that it was a weekend and I’d tried to sleep in. My body didn’t let me. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to get a full night’s sleep again.