Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  And it worried me.

  So I just went through the rest of Moyer’s photos. Tears spilled down my in-laws’ cheeks, but none ran down mine. I was numb once again, my mind in another place.

  I took a couple of photos for myself, ones I didn’t have, ones of groups of people rather than just Moyer.

  But I didn’t take any of Brendon.

  I thought it would be weird to have him framed in my house when I was already so worried that I was leaning on him too much.

  And then I ate dinner with Kate and Patrick, all of us smiling and laughing again. And, yes, we were all a little hurt inside, all of us stung a bit, but we were better than we had been before. We were human, healing, and just living.

  By the time I got home, it was dark outside, and all I wanted to do was take a bath and maybe read a book. Perhaps drink a glass of wine—or five.

  It was a little hard to think about exactly what was going through my head, especially since I was thinking about a little bit too much all at once.

  Was I leaning on Brendon too much? I didn’t think so, but maybe I was.

  Because he was the one who I talked to about my dates. He was the one that, when I was stressed out, I called because I needed someone to talk to. Yes, I had the girls, and I called them often, but they were all dealing with so many of their own issues that sometimes I held back so they didn’t have to worry about the widow anymore.

  I was ashamed of that. Maybe I needed to step back and not put so much pressure on Brendon. I needed to not rely on him so much, or we’d end up hurting each other.

  So, when I was in the tub, and my phone rang, I looked down and closed my eyes.

  He was probably checking to see how I was doing. Because he knew where I had been. He knew that I had gone to have dinner with my in-laws and he likely wanted to make sure I was okay. I didn’t want him to worry about me anymore, so I didn’t answer. And when he texted, asking if I was okay and if he needed to come over, I picked up my phone and responded that I was fine.

  Because I didn’t want him to worry about me.

  I didn’t want him to have to see me as Moyer’s widow anymore.

  We might’ve slowly started reconnecting since Jack’s death when Cameron had moved back to town, but I didn’t want to get hurt, and I didn’t want to hurt him.

  So I didn’t answer any more of his texts, and I didn’t call back.

  I just lay in the tub, wondering why I felt so off, why the numbness felt so different.

  Because, once again, I wasn’t the same Harmony I had been before.

  I just didn’t know who I was now.

  Chapter Ten

  Brendon

  “What’s wrong with you, Brendon?” Violet asked, and I looked up at her. We were at Cameron’s house after a decent lunch, and Violet had stayed after, staring at me. It had just been the brothers and Violet since none of the rest of us actually had women to bring.

  It had been a little weird not having Harmony or Sienna with us, but then again, there were different layers of connections within the group now, something I was still getting used to.

  “I’m fine,” I said quickly, probably a little too quickly by the way her eyes narrowed on me.

  “I don’t actually believe you,” Violet said, smiling.

  “You don’t really have to believe me. You just have to know that I’m saying things.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I’m not thinking about Sam, if that’s what you’re worried about,” I said slowly. “I’m just thinking. I’m allowed to do that, you know.”

  “You are, and you’re welcome to talk to us, too.”

  She leaned forward and squeezed my knee, and I smiled at her. Violet would one day be my sister-in-law. After all the time that Cameron and Violet had spent away from each other because of poor decisions—mostly on Cameron’s part—they were finally together again.

  Violet would be family, and that meant that Sienna and Harmony would be, too.

  Because Harmony was their sister, if not by blood than by circumstance. Much as I was one of the Connolly brothers.

  “I’m fine, I promise.” Not quite a lie, but not the truth either.

  “Do you want to talk about Sam? I mean, I know you did with the boys, but I’m a good listener. At least, sometimes.”

  “Not really. I haven’t heard from him or seen him since he showed up, so I don’t know where he’s at. But I feel like he’s just lurking, waiting to pounce at me when my guard’s down.”

  “And that means you’re never going to let your guard down,” she said quickly. “Which sucks. That can’t help with the whole stress of the situation.”

  “Not even a little. But it is what it is. I can only help my reactions and try not to focus on what the hell is happening with him. You know?”

  “I know. But if you weren’t thinking about Sam just then, what were you thinking about? It was as if you were staring off into the distance with a lot on your mind.”

  “Just everything, I guess. I haven’t been sleeping. Work and the other work. And family. You know. Everything,” I said, trying to sound casual. But I was anything but casual. Because all I could think about was Harmony. And the fact that she had just replied to my message with a text that she was fine and then hadn’t contacted me again. Had I done something wrong? I knew I should have called or texted her when I went off the deep end at the gym and then tried to talk to my brothers. But I hadn’t. Had she noticed? Was she trying to push me away like I was doing with her?

  It didn’t make any sense. I kind of hated myself for it.

  Because it wasn’t her fault that I was a little off-kilter, and I just wanted to make sure she was okay. She had told me that she was going over to Moyer’s parents’ house for dinner, and I was worried about her.

  I always worried about her.

  And, yeah, that was my problem. But now I was even more concerned that Harmony was pushing me away because I was acting weird. So…I just had to stop acting that way.

  Easier said than done.

  “Let’s just go get a drink, shall we?” I said, looking directly into Violet’s eyes.

  I knew she was worried about me, but hell, it seemed like we were all worried about each other these days. Losing Jack and Rose had been hard, but we were pulling through. Almost losing the bar had been just as hard for some reason, as if we were losing another part of our past and our connections to each other.

  But we were pulling through that.

  And then Dillon joined the fold, making things a little more complicated, but the kid was good for us.

  And now Cameron and Violet were back together, and that meant that Sienna and Harmony were back in our lives like they had been back in the day.

  There was just so much going on that sometimes I worried I would get overwhelmed.

  So, I wasn’t going to worry about any of it.

  Except for Harmony.

  Her, I couldn’t stop thinking about.

  “If you say so. I could use a beer.”

  “Did someone say beer?” Cameron asked, holding three bottles in one hand.

  “Ah, it’s like you’re reading our minds,” I said, standing up. I reached out and took a bottle for myself and then Violet before handing hers over. “Is this one of the ones we’re going to try for the bar?” I asked, looking at the label.

  “Yeah, we’re getting it next week in draft. But they’re also bottling it in six-packs. And since I don’t actually have a keg in the house, much to my dismay, I figured we could try the bottle, even though it’s never quite as good, never the same.”

  Aiden and Dillon walked in behind Cameron, both holding beer bottles, as well.

  “Hey, what’s that in your hand?” I looked over at Dillon.

  “Hey,” he mimicked, “it’s just a root beer.” He lifted one hand, the other holding his bottle. “Seriously. Cameron said it’s from the same company, so he got me some so I wouldn’t feel all
alone drinking milk.”

  I rolled my eyes, as it did indeed look like the kid was drinking a root beer. “Not a hard root beer, right?”

  “No, I promise. I’m not going to fuck up. Believe me.”

  Cameron gave Dillon a hard look and then ruffled the kid’s hair.

  “Hey,” Dillon shouted, ducking out of the way.

  “Hey yourself. And you wouldn’t like hard root beer. It’s even more sickly sweet than the regular stuff in your hand right there.”

  “I like hard root beer. And hard cream soda. I’m not a huge fan of the hard grape. Mostly because I don’t like grape anything.” Violet just shrugged as we all turned to look at her. “What can I say, I also like Moscato and Sangria. I like sugar. Sue me.”

  “You know, sugar isn’t good for migraines,” Dillon said, and Violet just flipped him off.

  Ah, family.

  “I know sugar isn’t good for migraines. So I don’t have it often. But sometimes, I like it. And if I was going to stop having everything that was completely bad for me, I probably wouldn’t have anything but water.”

  “You know, you’re not wrong on that,” I said and then lifted my beer. “To family lunches,” I said, and we all clinked bottles.

  I took a sip of the beer, nodding in appreciation as I looked over at Cameron. “Pretty good. A little hoppy for my taste, but I’ve never been a huge fan of all the IPAs that keep coming around.”

  “Why so many IPAs?” Aiden asked, throwing his head back as if he were exhausted at the mere thought.

  “Because people like it. I know we all like ales more, and that’s what we mostly have in the bar—ales, blondes, and pilsners. But we need IPAs because that’s what people like.”

  “When did we get old?” Violet asked. “Because I feel like the younger generations of drinkers like IPAs more than the older generations. Am I old?”

  I gave Aiden a look as both of us held back smiles, and Cameron quickly denied her question.

  “It has nothing to do with age, baby. I promise.” He leaned forward and kissed her lips, and Dillon rolled his eyes.

  “So, does that mean I’m going to like IPAs?”

  “You’re not going to know until you’re legal, boy,” Cameron said. He reached over to ruffle Dillon’s hair again, but the kid ducked out of the way.

  “Hey, watch it with the hair. You’re ruining my ‘do.”

  “Your ‘do?” I asked. “Okay, how old are you?”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  “And Cameron, buddy,” Aiden put in, “if you really think that this kid’s not going to taste a sip of beer while he works in a bar with three brothers who actually own said bar, you’re mistaken.”

  “I know the kid’s going to drink beer.”

  “Hey, the kid is right here. You don’t have to talk over me.” Dillon looked between all of us, and I laughed.

  “If you’re going to have a drink, it won’t be in our place. And you’re not going to be stupid about it. There’ll be no driving. No flashing anyone. There’s no using drinking as an excuse to fuck around. You’re going to be smart about it. And if you can wait until you’re twenty-one, that would be great. But it would also be great if you could wait until you’re married to have sex, and I know those things aren’t going to happen.”

  The tips of Dillon’s ears turned red, and Violet wrapped her arms around him. She smacked a loud kiss on his cheek and ruffled his hair.

  “Violet,” Dillon whined. He sounded much younger than the eighteen-year-old he was, and all of us couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Aw, my little baby brother.”

  “Violet,” he whined again.

  “What, you’re just so cute. I can’t wait to see you when you’re all grown up and in a relationship. And definitely drinking beer.”

  “You know, I’m just going to start drinking wine,” the kid growled, and we all chuckled.

  “Wine is good. I like wine,” Violet said. “And I bet you Harmony could figure out the best wine. Her family taught her everything they know about wines, and she’s slowly starting to teach us. I mean, before I really started drinking, all I knew was that one was red and the other was white. I didn’t even know what the pink one was.”

  “Harmony’s family is in a little different type of society than we are,” I explained to Dillon as he looked at us with a questioning glance.

  “Oh, you mean she’s rich?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes, her parents are rich, and she has money herself.” It had never bothered me before, even when I felt poor as hell in school. Now, I had money of my own, and Harmony was still the same person she’d always been.

  “She seems classy. But not like the rich, snobby types that you see snapping their fingers at you or shaking the ice in their glasses when they want something. She’s nice.”

  “Yeah, she is.”

  Violet gave me a weird look, and I quickly turned from her.

  No one needed to know that I had feelings for Harmony. Feelings I really shouldn’t have. It didn’t matter that Moyer wasn’t here anymore. She was my friend’s girl, and there was no changing that. But that meant I needed to make sure she was okay. I needed to make sure we were okay. In doing so, I had to not be an asshole and put my problems on her doorstep.

  We finished up our drinks, and while Dillon and Aiden headed off to the bar, Cameron and Violet decided that it was time for a date even though they’d gone out on one the night before.

  Apparently, new relationships meant a lot of dating.

  Who knew?

  When I got into my car, I didn’t head home like I probably should have. Instead, I took the next exit off the highway and found myself parked in front of Harmony’s house.

  This was probably a mistake. Then again, I was good at making those.

  That’s what happened when you fell for your best friend’s widow.

  It made you a letch.

  But I had to push those thoughts from my mind and focus on the fact that Harmony was my friend, for better or worse.

  Though not often worse.

  I shook my head, pushing those thoughts away, and got out of the car. Not thinking about Harmony and trying to keep my distance only made the ache in my belly worse. So, I would work on being her friend.

  I would just be there.

  Because I didn’t want to think about what would happen if I wasn’t.

  She answered the door just as I was about to ring the doorbell. She had her auburn hair piled on top of her head, her face devoid of makeup and covered in specks of dust as if she’d been cleaning. Her cotton t-shirt hugged her breasts, and her curves were on display. I swallowed hard, trying not to look too closely.

  She wore tight jeans with a hole in the knee that might have been made that way, and her feet were bare except for a little sliver of metal around a toe.

  Why did she have such sexy toes?

  And why was I still looking at her feet?

  “Brendon?”

  I looked up quickly into her face and swallowed hard. “Hey.”

  “I saw you pull up, so I figured I’d let you in before you rang the doorbell. What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing. I was just headed home from Cameron’s and thought I’d stop by.”

  Neither of us mentioned the fact that her home was out of the way, but hopefully, she wasn’t thinking about it.

  A smile bloomed on her face. “Come on in. I’m just cleaning cabinets as you can tell from the amount of dust I probably have on my face.”

  She grinned as she took a step back, and I walked in behind her. Before I could think better of it, I reached out and used my thumb to wipe some of the dust from her cheek.

  She blinked, her pupils dilating just a fraction, and I wondered what that meant. She looked a bit startled at the contact but smiled even wider. “That bad, huh?”

  I quickly took my hand away, knowing I’d remember the warmth I felt until the end of my days, even if it made me a bastard.

  �
�You look beautiful, Harmony. As always.”

  She tilted her head, studying my face. “You’re good for my ego. I should keep you around.”

  “Yeah, maybe you should.”

  And that was the crux of it, wasn’t it?

  Because I wanted to stay. Even if I shouldn’t.

  Chapter Eleven

  Remember when Allison asked if you had brothers? You were perfect for me.

  And I’m so sad that I never found someone perfect for her.

  - Harmony to Moyer. 22 months ATE.

  * * *

  Harmony

  I hadn’t slept well the night before. And it was odd for me since I’d been sleeping well until recently.

  I’d had another dream about Allison, and after I’d woken up, shaking just slightly, I couldn’t go back to sleep. After tossing and turning, I’d lain there for hours, wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have gone to sleep at all the night before, not with so much going on in my mind. Because sometimes it was harder than others to remember that life needed to move on, something that I’d told myself over and over again for the past two years.

  But between losing Allison what felt like hours ago instead of months, and then trying to date again, sometimes my emotions were a little off-kilter. That’s why I was glad I was going to have a girls’ day today. Every time the ladies and I were together now, we tried to live in the moment, even if the moment wasn’t good.

  Because Allison had been our good. And we had lost her far too soon to demons none of us had seen. And that was something we all had to live with.

  But in order to do that, we had to live. So, we got together often. We were each other’s family. And we made sure that we remembered her even as we tried to find a new path. I had taken this road before, even if it was far different.

  I didn’t like that I had a roadmap for grief, but maybe it was the only way I could keep going. Perhaps it was the only way I could still be me.

  Right now, though, it wasn’t necessarily about that. Right now was about my friends and the way that we were going to be together.