Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Between work and using my free time to go on perpetually worse blind dates, I hadn’t spent as much time with just the girls as I had in the past.

  I missed them.

  I missed just hanging out, maybe doing a spa day if we felt like it, but really, I just missed having wine and sitting down and talking.

  Just being.

  It had been too long since we had just been ourselves: the girls.

  Women.

  So, today was going to be about that.

  And they were all coming to my house rather than us going to Violet’s or Sienna’s or even Meadow’s now that she was joining us. It was my turn, and that meant I had to have the best charcuterie board, the best wine, and other snacks for them.

  Okay, maybe not the best, but I liked making sure they felt special. I enjoyed making sure that no one wanted for anything.

  It wasn’t about flashing money, it wasn’t about having the actual best things in the world. It was about showing that I appreciated my friends and that I loved them.

  I hummed as I worked in the kitchen and smiled as the doorbell rang.

  I set down my cheese knife, wiped my hands on a towel, and went to open the door, smiling at Violet and Sienna who stood on the doorstep, chocolate in hand.

  “I know you always have everything, as do all of us when we host, but I found chocolate that I like and I wanted to share.” Violet winked as she walked in, giving me a hug and handing over the box of chocolates.

  I looked down, my mouth watering. “Oh, is this that new chocolatier downtown?”

  “Yes,” Sienna said, kissing me on the cheek as she gave me a hug. “It’s a place I really wanted to try, even though I haven’t had a lot of time to go. So, we’re going to eat some chocolate and whatever amazing food you have for us and drink wine. A lot of wine for me, since Violet is the designated driver for the two of us.”

  I shook my head and set the chocolates on the entryway table. “Really? You’re going to get completely drunk?”

  “I just might.”

  “I’m still getting over my last migraine, so I probably won’t be getting too tipsy,” Violet said. “Plus, you know, the whole driving thing.”

  “You’re always welcome to just stay here tonight, or call one of the guys if you don’t want to limit yourself to just one glass of wine.”

  “They are all working tonight since they’re doing another wing night.”

  I nodded, tapping the bridge of my nose. “I forgot. Brendon said they were going to try a wing and tapas night or something like that. He had an actual name for it. I can’t remember, but it sounded better than wings and tapas.”

  “Yeah, it’s not actually a wing night,” Violet said, laughing. “Not if Aiden has anything to say about it.”

  “Aiden is determined to make the place upscale.”

  I gave Violet a look as Sienna growled at herself over Aiden.

  I had no idea what was going on between the two of them, considering they kept fighting with each other even though they’d always been closer friends than I remembered. But, people changed, and some things just happened. It would have been nice if they’d told me what was going on, but it wasn’t my place to actually know everything about all of my friends.

  I was just about to ask if they knew when Meadow was going to arrive when the doorbell rang.

  “And there’s our fourth,” I said and then froze.

  We all looked at each other, our eyes wide, Violet’s a little teary. Because Meadow wasn’t our fourth. More like our fifth. And five was a great number. There was nothing wrong with five.

  But our fourth wasn’t here anymore.

  I smiled and hoped it reached my eyes because I didn’t want Meadow to feel like she was anything less.

  Because there was nothing less about the woman who was so quiet and reserved that I knew she held herself back.

  But Meadow also took care of Violet when Violet couldn’t take care of herself. And for that, I would be forever grateful.

  I didn’t say anything to the other girls as I opened the door and smiled at Meadow.

  “You’re here,” I said, knowing my voice might sound a little shaky, but it was the best I could do.

  Meadow met my gaze, and I knew right then that she had heard the tremor. That hesitancy.

  And I felt horrible.

  “You told me not to bring anything, but I did bring goat cheese. I know, it sounds weird, but I went to a farmer’s market recently and actually met the goat that made this cheese, and it made me happy. So, I brought a little bit. You can either keep it for later or use a little bit tonight.”

  I opened my arms and hugged Meadow tightly, relaxing ever so slightly. It was hard not to relax or feel a little protective when it came to Meadow. There was just something about her.

  “Thank you. I’m in the middle of my charcuterie board preparation, and I think I have the perfect spot for it right behind the grapes and next to the Goldfish crackers.”

  Meadow blinked. “Goldfish crackers?”

  I just laughed. “One of my friends online started putting Goldfish crackers on her board because of her little girl, and it became a thing. So, no charcuterie board, no matter how gorgeous, is complete without at least a few Goldfish crackers.”

  “Well, I love them, so I guess that sounds just fine for me.”

  I helped them all with their coats, and Violet went and opened a bottle of wine.

  We were a mix of red tonight, so there was a second bottle open, and then all of us were sitting in the kitchen, making final preparations.

  “Everything you have is just so lovely,” Meadow said. “As if it’s cared for yet sparkly and pretty at the same time.”

  A blush ran across the other woman’s cheeks, and I just laughed.

  “I like pretty things. I always have. This is my first real home of my own.” Violet and Sienna just nodded along, and Meadow looked as if she had said something wrong. “No, really. I’m okay. I went from living with my parents to the dorm to living in a small apartment because I hadn’t wanted to use my trust fund yet. I wanted to work hard to actually pay for my first home rather than use the money that had been given to me.”

  “That’s why I love you,” Violet sing-songed, the light in her eyes dancing, the mistiness gone.

  “Anyway, after that, I moved in with Moyer, and the place was ours. So, there was a little masculine feel to it, a little feminine, but it was very much a married couple’s feel where everything is slightly compromised yet not. This place, though…this place is mine. So, yes, there’s a little more sparkle because I love chandeliers.”

  “And it’s not like the lighting is gaudy or anything,” Sienna said, rolling her eyes.

  “No, nothing gaudy. Just subtly pretty.”

  “And you even have a charcuterie board with handles. I mean, really, how amazing is that?” Violet said, holding up the board for all of us to see.

  “That I got at Target.”

  “Oh, yes, Target. The devil’s lair,” Meadow said, and we all laughed.

  “Yeah, I can’t actually walk into that place without spending way more than I planned.” I shook my head and laughed. “And I know it’s like that for everybody. But how can you walk in there and not accidentally buy eighteen things you don’t need?”

  “I’m like that at the grocery store,” Sienna said. “I’ll have a list and make sure I don’t go down every aisle just in case I accidentally get things I don’t need, but I still end up with like fifteen things I didn’t plan on.”

  “Subliminal advertising at its best,” I said and then took a bite of a carrot. “Now, we have our cheese and charcuterie. We have some bread that I freshly baked this morning.”

  “You baked bread?” Violet said, her voice deadpan. “Well, aren’t you just Martha Stewart all of a sudden? Okay, not so all of a sudden since you’re always Martha, but now a little more so with the bread and the like.”

  “I used a bread maker rather than the oven because
I wasn’t going to actually deal with kneading myself.”

  “Ah, that makes me happy.”

  “Anyway, it’s a honey white bread, so it’s horribly bad for you. And I don’t care. I also made a few other appetizers including things with bacon because bacon is life, and we have some wine. And water for when you’re done with your single or several glasses, depending on what you want tonight. But we have food, wine, and great company.” I held up my glass of red in a toast, and the others did the same. “To friends. To new friends, to old friends, and everything in between. Thanks for being here with me. Just, thanks.”

  My eyes filled with tears just a little as the others toasted my glass, their eyes watery, as well.

  “Okay, enough of that, let’s talk about dates,” Sienna said, her eyes bright. “Because I don’t need to get mushy right now, I don’t want my mascara to run.”

  “You’re using the wrong mascara then,” I said sagely. Sienna just shrugged. “Maybe, but anyway, I want to hear about your latest date.”

  I sighed, leaning against the counter. “You really don’t.”

  “It couldn’t have been worse than the first two,” Violet said, leaning forward. “Because those were not good.”

  “You’ve been on three blind dates?” Meadow asked, and I nodded.

  “Yes, three blind dates that three so-called friends set me up on.”

  “None of us set you up with those people. Just reminding you,” Violet said, her voice stern.

  “No, because I don’t actually want my best friends setting me up with people just in case it’s in their circles, and things get weird. I’m not very good at this dating thing.” I rubbed my chest over my heart, wincing. “I wasn’t even good before Moyer. I kind of just fell into a relationship with him, and it turned out we actually liked each other and then loved each other. I’m really not good at the whole finding-my-own-date thing, apparently.”

  “I’m not good at dating either,” Meadow said. “In fact, I’m pretty terrible at it.”

  “I’m not any better,” Sienna said, taking a big gulp of her wine. “In fact, I could probably write a story about how bad I am at dating.”

  “Well, I am one lucky bitch,” Violet said, sipping her wine daintily. “I mean, I even had sex before I came here. After a lunch date with my man. I guess I really am a lucky bitch.”

  Violet ducked the snap pea coming her way from sweet Meadow’s direction. I just laughed.

  “No throwing food in my kitchen, young lady,” I said, even though I was laughing. Meadow just smiled sweetly. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. The snap pea just flew at her on its own, as if it couldn’t stand any more bragging.”

  “Okay, the snap pea did have its reasons,” I said, laughing.

  “You guys are just mean. Plain mean.” Violet picked up the snap pea and tossed it in the trash.

  “Anyway, now that we’re done making sure Violet is the most hated person in the room, tell us about your date.”

  “Well, it wasn’t great,” I said simply.

  “You said that already. How not great was it?” Sienna asked.

  “Well, his name was Dirk.”

  That made Violet snicker. “Dirk? Really?”

  “Hey, I’ve known a nice Dirk in my life,” Meadow said. And then she winced. “Of course, he ended up being an asshole in the end, but just like any man, and any name, there are good ones.”

  “Anyway, Dirk was a nice guy. He was another friend of a friend of Candace’s. I’m not going to hold that against her though because they didn’t really know each other. Candace knew Dirk’s ex-girlfriend.”

  All the girls winced at that, and Violet held up her wine glass in a toast. “Ah.”

  “Ah, indeed. Anyway, he talked about his ex, Debbie, the entire time.”

  “Dirk and Debbie?” Sienna asked, grinning. “That’s actually kind of sweet.”

  “I think so, too. And Debbie sounded like a wonderful woman.”

  “Oh, so he wasn’t talking bad about her?” Violet asked.

  “Not in the slightest. If I didn’t know that Debbie was an actual real woman, I would have thought she was the epitome of angelic grace. I don’t think that woman could do wrong in his eyes.”

  “That might have been the problem,” Meadow said.

  “Yeah, you’re right about that. Because I really do think that Dirk is in love with Debbie. He talked about the way she cared for animals and how she was so sweet, and how he felt like he couldn’t do enough to make sure she knew that he loved her. But he also didn’t want to be too scary about it because of the fact that they had met through an app.”

  “Dating’s rough,” Sienna said.

  “Yeah, very rough. And I haven’t even started app dating.”

  “Run. Run far away from that,” Meadow said. I looked at her.

  “Tried it before?”

  “Once. Never again.” Meadow visibly shuddered, and I nodded.

  “Yeah, anyway, I really hope that Dirk calls Debbie because there was genuine love in his voice when he spoke about her. And not like the obsessive, crazy love. But how he was just happy that he got to spend time with her. And I could tell that he’d walked away because she asked him to, and he didn’t obsess. Didn’t push. Just wanted her to be happy. I hope that she loves him just a fraction of what he obviously feels for her. Because that was true beauty.”

  “And you learned all of this on your date with him,” Sienna said drily.

  “Yep. But, it’s fine. We had a nice date as friends. And he has my number so he can tell me exactly when he gets back together with Debbie. Because I feel like it’s going to happen.”

  “It might not happen if she doesn’t want it. And I hope he doesn’t push her,” Meadow said. There was something in her voice that worried me. But I didn’t push, because tonight wasn’t the night for that, and I didn’t think Meadow was ready.

  “I only say that because Debbie called him at the end of our date.”

  “Oh,” Sienna said. “Interesting.”

  “And you should have seen the way Dirk’s eyes lit up. Like it was true love. Something I hope others could see in Moyer’s eyes when he thought of me. You know?”

  Meadow reached out and gripped my hand. “I know.”

  I gave her fingers a squeeze before letting go.

  “Anyway, he left because Debbie said she wanted to talk, and I was so happy for him that I didn’t even mind that he walked out on our date to go meet with his ex.”

  “I swear, you have the weirdest dates. But dating is weird, so maybe not.” Sienna just shook her head. “Remember when Allison went on that date with that guy who wanted to be a zoologist, but really he just wanted to stare at animals?”

  “Oh, God,” Violet said, shuddering. “Don’t bring up Zeke the freak.”

  I laughed, wiping tears from my face. “His name was not Zeke. It was Zack.”

  “Yes, but Zack and freak didn’t sound good together, so he was always Zeke the freak to us. Allison even painted a picture of Zeke the freak. And not an animal in sight. Those poor babies.”

  “Allison really had poor taste in men.” I paused. “Except for Aiden. She and Aiden were a good match. At least when they were younger.”

  We all went silent for a moment, and I couldn’t help but notice the way Sienna took a big gulp of her wine then looked down at her empty wine glass.

  We were all hurting, and yet we were bringing up people who we had lost over time. It was healthy.

  But even after all of the talk, it just reminded me that maybe I really wasn’t ready for dating. I just wasn’t any good at it.

  We moved our food and wine into the living room and turned on a rom-com that we didn’t really watch, we just mostly talked to each other about nothing and everything.

  Violet and Meadow had both switched to water, and Sienna had slowed down, now only on her third glass of wine. I was on glass number two but was probably going to call it a night for the alcohol soon. We all had
plans the next day, after all.

  We were just talking about the next pool tournament and if we were going to enter when my phone buzzed. I looked down at it and smiled.

  Brendon: Drunk yet? Or just full of cheese?

  Me: Just happy…and full of cheese.

  Brendon: Aiden made these stuffed fig things tonight with goat cheese and I think I fell in love with a goat.

  Me: Remind me to tell you about Zeke the freak.

  Brendon: I’m scared.

  Me: You should be.

  “Who has you smiling like that over there?” Violet asked, sounding curious.

  “Oh, just Brendon, making sure I’m doing okay tonight.” I blinked and set my phone down on my lap.

  “Ooh,” Violet and Sienna said together as they looked at me.

  I waved them off, feeling the heat creep to my cheeks. Why was I blushing? It was only Brendon. “Oh, shut up. He’s just checking on me. You know Brendon.”

  “Brendon doesn’t check on me like that,” Sienna said, leaning forward to look over my shoulder at my phone.

  I hid the screen, not knowing why. Brendon was just my friend. There was no reason that anyone who wanted to couldn’t look at my screen. But for some reason, I wanted it to just be mine. I wanted his words to be mine.

  And I had no idea what that meant, nor did I know what the warm feeling inside of me suggested.

  “Give me a second so he doesn’t worry,” I said quickly.

  “Ok-ay,” Violet said as the others gave each other looks I purposely ignored.

  Me: Have a good night tonight. Just don’t mess with Beckham by pretending to bartend.

  Brendon: I’m insulted.

  Me: No, you’re not. You can pour me wine anytime. Just don’t make me a martini.

  Brendon: That’s fine. Next time it’s a double.

  Me: The horror!

  Brendon: You’re a riot.

  Me: I try.

  Brendon: Sure, honey.

  Me: Go work. I’m going to have more wine and cheese. Because I need it. Night-night, Brendon.

  Brendon: Night, Harms.

  A smile played on my face, and I couldn’t help but notice the way the others looked at each other, giving one another strange looks that weren’t so secret.