Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  I didn’t know that she would moan, arch into me as I deepened the kiss.

  I had no idea that she would take me to the brink with just a bare touch, make me want to surrender.

  I hadn’t known that she would bring me to the idea of poetry, the idea of sonnets and words with just the brush of lips.

  I wasn’t a romantic. I wasn’t a poet.

  But Harmony led me to that. She was my symphony. My melody. My Harmony.

  And it was just a kiss. Our first.

  And I hoped to all the gods that it wasn’t our last.

  When she moaned again just a little, I kissed her harder, but then took a step back, needing to breathe, to just catch my freaking breath.

  I leaned my forehead against hers as we both let out ragged breaths, and then I looked into her eyes and laughed.

  I shouldn’t have laughed. This was romantic, there was nothing funny about it. But then her eyes filled with tears, and she started giggling.

  Those weren’t sad tears, I knew those kinds of tears.

  No, they were ridiculous tears, like the ones I felt pricking at the backs of my eyes.

  I didn’t cry, not often. It just wasn’t what I did. But I knew Harmony’s tears.

  “Wow,” Harmony said, her voice breathy. “Wow.”

  “I think wow’s a good thing to say.” I kissed the tip of her nose and then ran my hands through her hair, wondering what to say next. Wondering what to do next. I wasn’t good at this. I had never been good at dating, much like Harmony had said about herself. I’d never had a serious girlfriend before. Yes, I was old enough that I probably should have, but it just hadn’t happened. And it wasn’t like I had been pining for Harmony the whole time.

  No, this was relatively new, even though it had settled over a steady relationship I already had with her.

  “What does this mean?” she asked me, and I ran my thumb over her cheekbone.

  “I think this means I want to do that again.”

  “Kiss me? Because I could do that.”

  “That, too. But I want to take you out. For real. Not just lunch between friends. Not where I show up at the end of your date when it’s over. I want to take you out. And I want to show you a real date. With me.”

  “I think I’d like that.

  “So, think on it. It’s just you and me right now. Only us.”

  Her smile dimmed slightly, and she shook her head. “No, it can’t ever be. I think you need to understand that. Because, yes, it’s you and me, and we’re standing right here, and we just kissed and are going on a date. And we’re going to figure out exactly what this all means and are going to be very careful with each other. So that part, yes, is you and me. Only you and me. But the rest? It’s never only us. It can’t be.”

  My heart didn’t hurt at that. Instead, I relaxed as if she had just said the words that gave me permission to actually feel. “I get that. More than I thought possible. It’s not only you and me. Because we are what our past made us. So, we’re going to make this work. Even with the ghost in the room.”

  And with that, I kissed her again, just a soft brush of lips. And then I got my coat and walked out the door, leaving her standing there—maybe as irrevocably changed as I was.

  Because I had kissed Harmony Wynham, the girl from my past, the woman of my dreams.

  Now, of my heart.

  I just prayed that we could make this work.

  Because the cost of what would happen if it didn’t was far too much to bear. For either of us.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I said yes. And I know you’d have been happy with that. That’s the one thing I do know.

  - Harmony to Moyer. 25 months ATE.

  * * *

  Harmony

  I wasn’t going to hyperventilate. I was not going to hyperventilate. And if I kept telling myself that, I could maybe, just maybe, catch my breath and stop shaking. Because all I could do was focus on breathing in and then breathing out. But I couldn’t actually slow down the process.

  Instead, the more I thought about breathing, the more I had to suck in that breath and try to actually get oxygen into my lungs. It wasn’t easy when all I wanted to do was try not to pass out while thinking about exactly what I was doing.

  “You’re starting to worry me, honey. What’s wrong?” Eleanor asked as she slowly made her way into my office.

  I quickly sat up from the desk, clutched at my heart even as I tried to catch my breath, and made my way to her. “What did I say about putting weight on your knee?” I said, helping her into a chair. I’d added more cushions to it so it looked like a plush throne for a queen rather than the guest chair, but the woman refused to stay in her office and off her feet, so I had to do what I had to do.

  “I’m fine,” she said as she sank into the chair. “You don’t look fine. What’s wrong?”

  I looked down at her, making sure she was indeed okay and not in pain, and then shook my head. “It’s work.”

  “Work? What’s wrong? Are you having issues with another account?”

  I shook my head quickly, trying to collect my thoughts. “I mean I shouldn’t talk about things at work. The account is fine.” I’d been able to get a new donation, as well as another facilitator. I didn’t have to worry about the son of the man who had cared so much about us ditching us. I didn’t have to deal with that any longer. Everything was actually going amazingly well with the foundation and the charity. That meant I knocked on wood often and saved for rainy days, but work was actually going well.

  And my personal life might be going better, but I was too stressed out to really think about that.

  “Oh, shush. Everyone else is gone for the day, and you’re about to head home. Tell me, honey. What’s making you so stressed?”

  “I’m going on a date with Brendon.”

  “Oh, really?” Eleanor asked, her eyes dancing as her brows lifted. “It’s about time. That young man is so sweet, and you two already spend enough time together. So, tell me, how did it happen? Did he ask you? Did you ask him? Is this your first date with him? Anything has to be better than the last few dates you went on. I mean a rock would be better than the last few dates you’ve been on.”

  I leaned against my desk, folded my arms in front of my chest, and shook my head. A smile played on my lips, but I tried not to laugh. I didn’t need to encourage the other woman.

  “Well?”

  “Well? Well, I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. It seems like it came out of nowhere, but I know that’s not the case. I know because I can feel it in here.” I put my hand over my heart. “He just came over and told me he’d been thinking about me, that he’d been trying not to think about me, and then suddenly he was there, and then his lips were on mine, and then I was saying yes, I did want to go on a date with him. Is this okay? Should I be going out with him? Why am I even asking these questions?”

  “That’s a lot of questions in a short period of time,” Eleanor said, her voice soft as she leaned forward and patted my hand. “I can’t answer any of them for you. They’re all for you. But I know that boy has always taken care of you. Not as if you couldn’t take care of yourself, but in a way that means he’s your friend. And I think that’s important. You need to be friends with those you’re in a relationship with.”

  She smiled and continued. “You need to have that type of trust. And I know he’s been in your life for longer than most of the other people you know, and I’m happy about that. I think you need to live in the moment, even as you get those answers for yourself. But Brendon has always been a good man to you. Always. You should talk it over with your girls. And then you need to smile, put on some lipstick and a wonderful dress, and have fun. Because he puts light in your eyes. Even if you don’t notice it.”

  I swallowed hard. “Really?” I asked. Brendon always made me happy, because he was my friend.

  But there was that whole other level to it, the one that I wasn’t sure I was prepared for. The things I thought mayb
e I should deal with anyway.

  “He’s a wonderful man,” Eleanor repeated. “Now, go talk with your friends.”

  “You are my friend, Eleanor.”

  She laughed. “Oh, I am. But you need to talk to friends your own age. And you need to cry if you need to, laugh if you want to, and just be.”

  “Just be. That’s been my motto for the last couple of years.”

  “And it’s a good one to live by. Now just be, Harmony. And just live.”

  I hugged her tightly as I leaned forward, then helped her to her driver since she wasn’t allowed to drive anymore. Then I made my way home.

  I was going on a date tonight. And I was even running a little late because I had spent too much time in my office with Eleanor, trying to figure out exactly what I was feeling. I couldn’t really think about what all of that meant if I didn’t actually get it out of my system. But I couldn’t put any of it into words, so how was I supposed to deal with it?

  “I need a drink,” I whispered to myself, then went to open a bottle of wine.

  Yes, I was going to have a single glass of wine while I got ready for my date, and I needed it. Because there were only so many times in my life—no, that wasn’t right. There was only one time in my life when I would go on a first date with Brendon Connolly.

  I had been to dinner with him, sure. I had been to lunch with him. I had gotten drunk with him and had many nights with him.

  But nothing like tonight.

  Tonight would be different. The occasion was momentous.

  As I looked over at a photo of Moyer and me laughing at the beach, I smiled.

  “I’m really doing this,” I whispered to the photo, knowing that it was just me, that Moyer wasn’t actually around to hear. But I swore I could feel the brush of fingers down my back, and then a gentle hug, telling me it was okay. I didn’t cry, because that’s not what I felt in the moment. I was Harmony. I was allowed to go on a date. I had been going on dates.

  Brendon wouldn’t be my first date since Moyer. Though he had been my first kiss since Moyer, and I was happy about that.

  The fact that he had known Moyer would be tricky, but that was something I was going to deal with. Maybe it would make it easier because Brendon knew that Moyer would always be there. I would never not love Moyer. But a heart was a wonderful thing. It allowed you to have a range of emotions, to love more than one person in your life.

  Did I love Brendon? Yes, as a friend, and maybe something more. But I needed time, and I needed experience to look deeper into that. To be able to answer that question.

  But in order to do that, I actually had to get ready for my date.

  I took the first sip from my glass of wine when the doorbell rang.

  I looked down at my phone, panicking for a moment, and then remembered that thanks to Eleanor, my girls were on their way to my house so I didn’t have to be alone before my first date.

  Not my first date ever, but my real first date with Brendon.

  There went that hyperventilating thing again.

  I set down my wine glass and made my way to the front door, hoping I’d actually be able to keep my breathing together.

  “Okay, let’s see what we can do,” Violet said as she pushed past me, Sienna on her heels. I just looked at them.

  “What do you mean, what you can do? Is there something wrong with me?”

  Sienna just laughed, and Violet shook her head. “There’s nothing wrong with you. But you need to breathe. Because I know you’re not breathing. You’re blushing, your cheeks are bright red, and your eyes have this manic, wide thing going on. So, just breathe. We’re here for you.”

  “Oh, great. You can see that I’m freaking out? What’s Brendon going to think?” Why couldn’t I do this right? I liked him. I loved him. He was my friend. Yes, things were different. They had been for a while now. What was I going to do?

  “Brendon’s going to think you’re amazing. That you’re so amazing, he probably should’ve asked you out before you went out with those other guys. But he didn’t, so now you have funny stories to talk about. But let’s just get you into something cute, and let you finish that glass of wine I see on the counter over there. Everything’s going to be wonderful.”

  “You’re making me panic again. Why can’t I just wear what I’m already wearing?” I asked looking down at my pencil skirt and blouse. “I think it looks just fine.”

  “You look gorgeous. Fucking gorgeous. But you’re not ready for a date.” Sienna put her hands on her hips, pushing her shoulder bag out of the way. “Now, don’t worry. We’ll get you ready.”

  “You’re starting to really stress me out.”

  “You were stressed out before we even got here,” Violet said as she walked over to the kitchen. Her heels click-clacked across my hardwood floor, and I swore my heartbeat matched the rhythm.

  Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

  Beat.

  Deep breath.

  Beat.

  Deep breath.

  Beat.

  Deep breath.

  I couldn’t actually focus. Why had I said I would go out with him? Just because I’d started to think about him differently and always wanted to talk to him didn’t mean that I should go on a date with him.

  “Well, you are,” Sienna said.

  My head shot up, and I looked between them as Violet handed me my glass of wine. “Did I actually say that out loud?”

  “Yes, you did. Now, why don’t you word-vomit everything else on your mind so you get it out of your system before you go on this date with Brendon?”

  “I’m going on a date with your boyfriend’s brother.” I let out a groan and took a big gulp of wine. “Your boyfriend’s brother.”

  “That’s just one of his many labels,” Violet said before taking my wine glass away. “That’s enough wine for you.”

  I pouted. “That was just one sip.”

  “No, that was like a big gulp. Like half the glass. You don’t need to be drunk to go on a date with Brendon. You go out to eat with him all the time. You have drinks with him all the time. He owns a bar with his brothers.”

  “But this is different.”

  “Of course, it’s different. But it’s fine. Everything’s going to be fine.”

  I looked at Violet as she said the words and just shook my head.

  “I think I’m more stressed out now than I was before.”

  “That’s fine. Get it all out now. That’s what we’re here for.”

  “To stress me out?”

  “Well, we’re here for many things.”

  “To annoy me?” I asked.

  “Now you’re just being rude,” Sienna said, shaking her head even though she smiled.

  “I know I’m not making any sense, and I know I’m being rude. Why did I say I would do this?”

  Violet reached out and gripped my shoulders. “Because you want to. You are so strong, Harmony. So damn strong.”

  I swallowed hard, used to that phrase. Everyone called me strong. It was hard not to appear that way when you actually survived one of the worst things a person could live through.

  When you felt as if you were dying inside, it was hard to appear anything but strong to others when trying to find your new normal.

  I had lived my life. I had found my way out of the ashes. I had survived. I had lost my future, my happiness, my husband. But I had fought my way through it, even through the haze, even through the numbness.

  I had done all of that, so people called me strong.

  Though most days I didn’t believe it. Most days, it was just a hashtag that didn’t make any sense.

  But when my friends said it to me, I tried to believe it. Because they weren’t saying it to be mean. They weren’t saying it when there wasn’t anything else to say. They said it because they believed it to be true. Because they knew I needed to hear it. Even if it wasn’t easy.

  “I just don’t want to mess things up.”

  “It’s heavy. Life is heavy. B
ut you can do this.”

  I leaned into Violet, giving her a hug. Sienna wrapped her arms around us, and I sniffed a bit. I wasn’t crying. Not yet. That might come later, though. I couldn’t help it.

  “I don’t even know what to wear.”

  “We’re going to help you with that. We’re going to help you with everything. It’s going to be like a Pretty Woman moment.

  “But I’m not a hooker. And I do kiss on the lips.”

  That sent them into peals of laughter, and I just shook my head.

  “Allison would be better at this. She was always good at figuring out the best outfits for different kinds of dates.”

  I looked at my friends as I said our other friend’s name. There were no tears this time because we were all being as strong as we could be. And there was that word again. Strong. We were getting used to it.

  “Well, she did have better taste than all of us.”

  “Hey,” Sienna said as she looked over at her sister. “I have just fine taste.”

  “Yes, you do, but Allison was still better at figuring out exactly what outfit made us feel better,” Violet said. “Now, what would Allison do?”

  I pushed back the sadness I felt because, yes, it was hard, but we had to be strong and think and talk about Allison so she wouldn’t be forgotten.

  But tonight wasn’t about that. Tonight was about my first date with Brendon.

  “Okay, I’m going out with a man that I’ve known since he was a boy. Since I was a girl. A man I knew before Moyer. One that was my friend, and then Moyer’s friend. And then, somehow, we were all friends, and I was married to Moyer. Brendon was also there when my husband died. He’s the man who held me when I cried.”

  “You sound like a country song now,” Violet put in, wincing. “Sorry.”

  “I didn’t mean to rhyme,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.

  “But you do it all the time,” Sienna said, laughing.

  “Stop it. I’m trying to get through my feelings here, and you’re trying to make me laugh.” I shook my head at the two of them, but they just smiled at me.