Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “Continue on,” Violet said a bit pompously.

  “Okay. Where was I?”

  “Rhyming?” Sienna said.

  This was like the worst time to be laughing like this, when I was talking about such deep and serious topics. But this was us. It was how we got through things, being the lovable dorks we were. “Okay. And then we—Brendon and me—weren’t that close anymore, not for a while. But then Cameron came back, and we didn’t want to lose the bar, so we all became friends again. And then I got closer to Brendon, and somehow he asked me out. Everything’s going to be okay. It’s just…it’s a lot.”

  “I know it’s a lot,” Violet said. “But we’re real people with real emotions. And we have paths that happen to be very complicated with lots of tangles. But I see the way he looks at you, and I see the way you look at him.”

  I swallowed hard. “Really?”

  “Yes. Of course.”

  “But like…not before, right? Because he said it wasn’t before. When it would’ve been wrong.”

  “No, it wasn’t before. It’s this now thing. We’ve all said that we aren’t the same people we were before, and that’s important.”

  “Okay. But what am I doing?” I asked and then promptly burst into tears.

  I didn’t mean to. I didn’t cry often. But the tears just kept coming. Suddenly, Violet was holding me, and Sienna was trying to dab my face with tissues even though I pushed her away.

  “What am I doing? I know this isn’t my first date, but this is like a real first date,” I repeated, even though they hadn’t been here when I said that before. “The others were all practice dates. But this is real. This means something. This is Brendon. Brendon fucking Connolly. If I go on a date with him, and something actually happens, could this be a future? Or what if everything gets messed up and we break up and then we can’t even hang out at the bar anymore? I can’t hang out with you? What if it all gets broken? What if I break everything because I fall in love with him? What if I’m already in love with him? There’s something inside me that I know is there. Every time I look at him, I feel something, and I can’t breathe.”

  I tried to take a deep breath, but I couldn’t, my lungs were constricting. “This is real.”

  Sienna just looked at me, dug around in her purse, and then handed me a paper bag.

  A fricking paper bag.

  “Where did you get this?” I screeched, my lungs burning.

  “Well, I have them for emergencies like this.” Sienna just looked at me and blinked. I blinked back.

  “Like this? Really? Like how I’m freaking out over my dead husband and his friend and the fact that I’m going out on a real date? And you just have this paper bag for this exact emergency?” I asked. I knew I sounded ridiculous, but this seemed like a very absurd situation.

  “Well, it’s not like I labeled the damn thing. Are you okay? Do you actually need the bag? I really just had it in my purse earlier for my lunch and then kept it so I didn’t waste it, but you know…whatever.”

  I looked at the paper bag and just started laughing. “I’m losing my mind.”

  “No, you’re not losing your mind,” Violet said, rubbing my shoulders. “You just needed to get that all out of your system.”

  “I love Moyer. Not just loved, I love him. But I know he’s not coming back. And I know that I’m allowed to fall in love with someone else and go on other dates. I went on that first blind date not feeling this emotion that I do now. What’s wrong with me?” I asked.

  “The others didn’t matter. You said they were practice. And they were. This matters. And it’s really okay that it matters.”

  I looked between my friends and then looked down at that paper bag. I started laughing. “You are a riot, Sienna.”

  “I know. But that’s why you love me.”

  And so, I leaned on my friends, hugged them both tightly, and then we found the perfect dress for me to wear. Because I was going on a date with Brendon Connolly. The man from my past. From my present. And in some way, a part of my future.

  Tonight, I would be one step closer to figuring out what that future was.

  It was okay that I was conflicted. Being stressed out was okay.

  Apparently, I just needed a paper bag to figure that out.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Brendon

  When Harmony opened the door, I think I swallowed my tongue.

  I knew that was just an expression, but as I tried to open my mouth to speak, I actually choked a bit.

  “Wow,” I said and then shook my head. I cleared my throat and tried to actually articulate what I was thinking. What I was feeling. Instead, all that came out again was, “Wow.”

  “Well, I think that reaction is exactly what I needed,” Harmony said with a laugh and then shook her head. Her long, auburn curls fell over her shoulders in soft waves, and it took everything within me not to reach out and just tug on a couple of the tendrils, to feel that silky hair along my skin.

  She had done up her eyes in this smoky makeup that accentuated her beauty.

  I had seen her with makeup and without it, and I loved her both ways. I just liked whatever made her happy.

  And, yeah, I was a sap, but I couldn’t really help it. I was going on a date with Harmony. And I hadn’t thrown up yet. I counted that as a win.

  She had on a champagne-colored top and charcoal pants that hugged her butt. I couldn’t actually see her butt, but I could see the fact that they hugged her hips and so I inferred. I noticed the tips of her high heels peeking out from under her pant legs and swallowed hard again as my gaze traveled up, past her curves to those eyes of hers. The ones that saw too much, that I couldn’t stop looking at.

  “I had on a dress, and then thought it was too cold. And then I realized I didn’t know where we were going, so I went with pants. But I can change again. If you want.”

  She bit her lip, and I swallowed hard.

  “I want to take you to that Brazilian steakhouse that we talked about. So, what you’re wearing’s fine. You can wear jeans or a burlap bag for all I care. You look fucking amazing.”

  I let out a rough chuckle and shook my head. “I’m usually better at words than this, but you kind of blew me away.”

  I couldn’t really focus, not when she looked at me like that, but I was going to do my best.

  “Well, you don’t look too bad yourself,” she said, smiling at me. “And I love Brazilian steakhouses, so that sounds great.”

  I reached out and took her hand, pulling her towards me. And because I knew that this was a first—a first of many firsts—I went slow. I waited for her to look up at me and for her lips to part ever so slightly before I pressed my lips to hers.

  I kissed her softly, just a taste, just a beginning. An appetizer.

  And then I smiled against her lips.

  “I wanted to do that before I was too nervous to do it later.”

  “There’s nothing about you that’s nervous, Brendon. You’re one of the most confident guys I know.”

  “It’s all a façade.”

  “Not completely. Oh, I’m glad you think that. Because I’m pretty sure I would have been nervous throughout the whole evening thinking about it.”

  I helped her close the door and lock it, and then we made our way to my car, both of us acting a little nervous as if we weren’t quite sure what to do with each other. We had eaten out together countless times. Even in romantic settings. But it had never been like this. Yes, I had been nervous around her because I was doing my best not to think about her the way I always was. I was trying to make things seem normal. Now, things weren’t really normal anymore at all. They were different.

  I’d put in a reservation at one of my favorite places, and they sat us quickly. It was one of those steakhouses where you go up for the salad bar area and eat as much as you want, though most people didn’t eat that much at all. After all, you didn’t want to load up on carbs and salad and all the amazing soups and bread and not have room for
meat that we were about to be offered.

  This particular steakhouse also had the side-dishes at the buffet area, rather than bringing potatoes and mushrooms and vegetables directly to the table for the party to share. So we could take exactly what we wanted, and then come back to have our wine, and then eat meat.

  A lot of meat.

  Men in oddly tight pants and knee boots with puffy shirts came around the room, each holding a different big fork or what looked like a large blade. They held the end of the short sword in one hand and the dish to catch all of the trimmings in the other. They went from each table and offered up their meat. It was just about every type of meat. Braised pork tenderloin, chicken, about eighteen kinds of beef all cooked different ways and marinated differently. There was lamb, and even bacon-wrapped things. My mouth watered just thinking about it all. As long as you had your little coasters set to green, they would come to your table and slice off pieces to your specifications right on your plate. They even gave you little tongs so you could help them and it didn’t splatter everywhere.

  I loved the place. It was a little fun, and we could eat as much as we wanted. Harmony always ate as much as she wanted in front of me, she wasn’t like some of my dates where they only ate salad because they were either really in love with greens or afraid I would judge them. I was of the mind that you should eat whatever you wanted. Have fun with food.

  But not everyone thought that.

  “Aiden would probably hate this place,” I said as we sat down, looking around.

  Harmony just laughed. “Well, you know him, he’s very particular about place settings and presentation. But he might have fun. He could try a bunch of things without having to be stuck with just one thing or two.”

  “You can never go out with Aiden to certain places. He will order like eight different plates so we can all share them and he can taste everything. And then we bring it home and end up eating it for the next couple of days.”

  “That actually sounds amazing,” Harmony said, laughing. “I mean, sometimes, I can’t make a decision and want to try everything. Or, there are some places that I go where I love this one meal and get it every time and never get to try anything else because I’m afraid.”

  “You are not really going to have that problem here. You can literally taste every single thing. But there are some things that you don’t want to eat too much of because then you won’t have enough room for meat.”

  Our gazes met, and then we each threw our heads back and laughed. The tension slid out of us, and any nervousness was suddenly gone. We were just Brendon and Harmony. It might not last for too long, but for that exact moment? I loved it.

  “Oh God, I wonder how many penis jokes they have to deal with. I mean, they’re men in really tight pants, coming around showing off swords and meat and meeting your eyes as they slowly slice and give you a little bit of their meat.”

  I closed my eyes and groaned. “Maybe this wasn’t the best place to take you?”

  “No, I love this place. I haven’t actually been to this one, though. I went to one just like it, just a different franchise. Moyer used to love it, so we went there a few times. I think that was in downtown Colorado Springs.”

  Harmony met my gaze, her face paling. “Crap. I’m sorry. I’m really not good at dating. I told you that. I shouldn’t just bring up Moyer like that.”

  “Harmony.” I whispered the word, putting my hand out so I could trace my fingers along her elbow. “It’s okay. You were right before. He’s always here. And you are going to talk about him. I’m going to talk about him. Hell, he was a huge part of my life, too. I know this is weird, and we’re going to have to figure out exactly what we are to each other, but we are allowed to bring him up. I think it will make it more awkward and worse for both of us if we don’t bring him up.”

  “I know. And the fact that you get that means everything to me. And, let me just say, that before you got to my house when the girls were helping me pick out something to wear, I was really afraid I wouldn’t be able to eat. That I would be too nervous and not be able to swallow anything. I was so stressed out. But not only is this place fricking amazing, and I’m going to stuff my face, you are amazing. And you always put me at ease, even if I know I’m probably going to say something stupid.”

  “Well, I’m probably going to be the one putting my foot in my mouth first. So, are we ready for the salad bar? Or meat?”

  She flashed me a grin and then flipped her coaster over to green. Apparently, we were going for meat.

  I was stuffed by the time we got through seven different types of red meat, three different kinds of pork, and three different types of chicken. I didn’t even know that there were that many parts of a cow, but I was learning.

  “I’m still hungry,” Harmony said, groaning. “I’m really glad I wore these pants and not the other ones, because these give me a little room.” Harmony laughed as she said the words, and I snorted.

  “You know, if I went on a date with anyone else, they probably wouldn’t mention things like that.”

  When her eyes narrowed, I quickly held out my hands. “All I’m saying is I’m comfortable. You’re comfortable. And it makes me happy. And know that I’m also wearing my pants with give because I’ll probably have to roll myself out of here.”

  “And you know we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet,” Harmony said, her voice a little sultry.

  I swore my dick heard her words and hardened just a bit, even though I felt nothing close to being even remotely sexy at that point.

  “Oh?” I asked, my voice a deep growl.

  “Yes, there’s the pineapple. You know the pineapple? The one they roast over that open fire next to all the meat and then put that brown sugar glaze over it? And then they come out and cut you a slice right off the skewer?” Her head rolled back, and she looked at the ceiling. “It’s literally orgasmic.”

  I got hard, my dick at full attention. It didn’t matter that this was our first time out together like this, that we were friends going on a date in the middle of a very complicated situation. She’d just said the word orgasmic, and I had no more brain cells left to actually formulate a thought.

  “Pineapple. I don’t think I’ve ever actually had the pineapple here. It seemed a waste to fill myself with fruit when I could have more steak.”

  “Now you’re just being blasphemous,” Harmony said, reaching out and trailing her fingers along mine. I flipped my hand so I could grab hers, giving it a squeeze. And then I didn’t let go.

  I watched the breath catch in her throat, and her eyes dilated a bit.

  She was beautiful. Stunning. And she was on a date with me. It was just the two of us—at least in the flesh.

  I knew I would never actually be any of her firsts. Technically, she wasn’t going to be any of mine either. Moyer would always be between us. Always. He would always be around. I would always be second in some cases. But maybe that was okay. Perhaps it was fine to not be first all the time. It was okay for me to be exactly who Harmony needed me to be. Or maybe I was saying it all wrong in my head. I was really glad I wasn’t saying it aloud.

  She must have seen something cross my face because she frowned, giving my hand a squeeze.

  “What is it? We don’t have to have pineapple.”

  “Oh, we’re getting you some pineapple. I was just thinking. I’m really glad you said yes. And I’m glad I actually found the nerve to ask you on a date.”

  She gave me a small smile, her hand still in mine. “I’m really glad you asked, too. Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you before, and I love the fact that we’re always together. It’s like there was this step I didn’t know I needed to take, that kept pushing me towards these dates as I tried to figure out what I was missing. And then you were there. All along, you were there. I was just too blind to see.”

  I wanted to reach across the table and hold her close, but we couldn’t do that. I couldn’t touch her the way I wanted. Not now.

&n
bsp; “Well, we’re here now. And I’m going to get you some of that pineapple.”

  She just shook her head, smiling. “You need to have some, too. To truly understand what I mean.”

  “Well, you’re saying it’s orgasmic. I guess I need to know.”

  I watched her throat work as she swallowed hard, and I figured we should probably stop talking about orgasms on our first date. Because I didn’t think she was ready for that.

  Of course, now that I was thinking about it, I couldn’t actually breathe. So, when the man came around with the pineapple on a sword, I almost missed him. But he sliced us each off a piece. I thanked him, and we each turned our coasters to red. There would be no more meat for either of us.

  And, yes, I did hold back voicing a joke about that. Mostly because there were only so many dick jokes you could make when your own was hard.

  “Okay, take a bite,” Harmony said, holding out her fork to me.

  “I thought you wanted your precious pineapple. You’re not going to waste it on me, are you?”

  “Of course, I’m not going to waste it on you. I’m just going to take a bite of yours later. But you have to take a bite. Come on. Just one bite.”

  “Said Eve to Adam,” I whispered.

  “You know she gets a bad rap for that.”

  “Oh, I know. And we don’t have to get into it. But, I will take a bite.” My lips wrapped around the fork. As I pulled back, taking my first taste of that pineapple, I was about to try and speak with my mouth full and make a joke, but I was too busy moaning.

  Dear, God. Pineapple. I never knew it could be this good. I never knew that sugar-covered, fire-roasted pineapple could be the glory of the gods. Was this ambrosia? Was I now an immortal?

  All these ridiculous thoughts went through my head, but I just stared at Harmony, who looked like the cat who’d gotten the cream, taking her first bite of pineapple as she looked at me.

  “I was right, wasn’t I?” she asked, looking very righteous and very sexy.

  “Oh, you were right. I’m not sure why we didn’t just order the entire pineapple for ourselves.”