Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “Because, Mr. Connolly, too much of a good thing will make your teeth rot.”

  “Is that really the saying?”

  “No, it’s mostly what I’m telling myself so I don’t tackle that man with the sword and eat the entire pineapple. It’s why I get it at the end, so I just have a tiny bit of room left in my stomach. But, it’s like the best thing ever, isn’t it?”

  “I think I’m still drooling,” I said, and we finished our pineapple, laughing.

  By the time we got near her place, we were both laughing and groaning just a little bit about how full we were, but we were no longer uncomfortably full. It was chilly out, so we hadn’t walked anywhere after our meal to work it off, but that was fine. I just wanted to be near her. I didn’t want the date to end.

  So, when we pulled into her driveway, and I helped her out of the car and led her to the front door, I walked as slowly as I could. I really didn’t want to say goodbye. I was afraid that this might be the last time. That while we hadn’t made a mistake, it might be the only time.

  Maybe we would go back to the way things were because she had gotten it out of her system. But I would never get this out of my system.

  I was in love with Harmony.

  And I had no idea what to do about it.

  We stood at her door, and she looked up at me, her eyes wide, and her mouth parted. “Kiss me?” she asked, her voice soft.

  I cupped her face and lowered my head to hers. “You never have to ask that.” Before she could say anything else, I kissed her softly, treating her like the treasure she was, like the woman she was.

  Her arms wrapped around me, and I moaned, wanting her taste, needing her. She tasted of that pineapple, of our dinner, and just Harmony.

  She was everything I had ever wanted.

  And when she pulled away, my breath came out in rapid pants. So did hers.

  We stood on her porch where anyone could see us, and it was like I was standing at the edge of what my future could be, afraid if I looked too closely, I would see my past again and run. Or she would see it and not take that next step.

  So, when she looked at me, her eyes dark and full of promise, I was afraid of what she was going to say.

  “Come in with me?” she asked. I froze.

  “Are you sure? I mean, I can go, give you some time to yourself.”

  “Brendon, I know you. You know me. And I know what I want. If it’s too soon, you can walk away. But I’ve looked at you all night, and I’ve thought about you, and I know what I want. I know it might be rushing things for other people, but it’s you and me. It’s always been you and me. So I’d love for you to come in with me, and for you to hold me. And for us to see what happens next. Because I feel like I’ve been waiting a lifetime for this, and now you’re here. I don’t want to stop. I don’t want this night to end.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that. I felt as if Harmony had bared her soul to me. I was broken, fractured pieces of the man I had been before I met Harmony.

  So, I didn’t say anything at all. Instead, I kissed her hard again, needing her taste, craving her.

  And then I followed her in.

  And I knew…I knew it wasn’t a mistake. I just hoped I would still think that in the morning.

  Chapter Sixteen

  You’re my favorite Connolly.

  - Harmony in a text to Brendon

  * * *

  Harmony

  I wasn’t scared. Should I have been? No, I didn’t think I could be scared with Brendon.

  His lips were on mine, his fingers trailing down my arms, and all I could do was close my eyes and live in the moment.

  I knew this was fast, that everything was too fast, yet I felt as if I had been living in slow motion for the months he had been back. For the time that he had been back in my life and we were friends, though not more than friends.

  We had inside jokes, we had smiles for only each other. We even had a dance that was just ours. One that no one else knew.

  We had won a pool league together, and we were each other’s.

  He knew my secrets—at least some of them. And I knew some of his. Not all of them, but not all of them were mine to know.

  If I thought about it too hard, I would stop thinking entirely and would likely run away and not want to do anything. I would stop living in the moment, and I would stop wanting Brendon’s lips on mine, his hands on me.

  But I didn’t want to stop thinking.

  I wanted to live in the now.

  Because this felt right.

  All of those other dates had been practice—not even true dates. Because Brendon had always been there.

  With him, I wasn’t a widow. I wasn’t a wife. I wasn’t a label.

  I was Harmony-fucking-Wynham, and I wanted Brendon Connolly. I wanted this moment.

  I had wanted it for longer than I cared to admit. Just because it had taken me so long to realize what Brendon was to me, who he could be to me, didn’t mean that I hadn’t thought about it. That I hadn’t noticed him. The way he filled out a pair of jeans. I’d always appreciated his forearms, his smile, his eyes.

  I noticed the way he made me feel, even if I didn’t want to feel it.

  Some part of me had shielded myself from that, maybe because I was scared.

  But I wasn’t scared anymore. Not like that.

  So, when he kissed me, I leaned into it and wanted more.

  “I want to take you to bed, Harmony, in a house that’s yours. I want to make love to you, and I want to kiss you, and I want to touch you. Will you let me do that? Or should I walk away?”

  “Are those my only options?” I asked in a breathy voice. I sounded like a seductress, something I hadn’t felt in far too long.

  Brendon made me feel sexy. He made me feel like a woman. And though I could feel like that on my own, Brendon did it with just one look.

  That was how I knew this was right. Because he was asking. Because of how he made me feel.

  And because I burned for him. I wanted him.

  I wasn’t walking away.

  Not now.

  Not tonight.

  And maybe not ever again. But that was for another day.

  “You can have whatever you want from me, Harmony. That was always the case.”

  “I want to touch you. I want you to touch me. But if it’s too much, I want you to know that it’s not you.”

  He just shook his head, his eyes dancing with humor, warmth…love? No, maybe not that. But there was something there. An emotion I couldn’t name, something that meant he cared. Said that he was mine. And not only for tonight. Because that wasn’t Brendon. He wouldn’t cross this line and change who we were to each other if it was just for one night.

  And, yes, I was probably taking too many steps without looking back, but this was Brendon.

  And we were different.

  Anyone who didn’t understand that didn’t know us.

  “Take me to bed,” I whispered, and then he bent down, put his arms under my legs, and lifted me to his chest.

  I let out a shocked gasp and wrapped my arms around his neck.

  “Wow,” I whispered. “I knew you were strong. I mean, I have seen you work out, but wow.”

  He grinned and kissed the tip of my nose. “Well, I am trying to look very manly for you.”

  I just laughed. “You don’t have to try too hard, Brendon.”

  “I never feel like I have to try around you. Even if I tried not to act that way before.”

  “We can talk about the whys later, we can talk about everything. Tomorrow. For now, it’s just us. And I know it’s fast, but I can’t stop wanting you.”

  “And that’s okay with me. Because I’ve always wanted you, Harmony. Simply for us.”

  And then his mouth was on mine, and we were in my bedroom.

  There were no more words then. At least I didn’t think there would be. There didn’t need to be.

  He knew what this was, and so did I.

  This wo
uld be my first time with anyone since I lost Moyer. But he wasn’t in my mind just then, not really. He wasn’t in the room. He never had been.

  This was my house, my life. And this was my present. And maybe my future.

  This was about Brendon and me.

  This was a new beginning, and I was going to live in the moment.

  Brendon slowly unzipped my jacket, and it fell to the floor, and then he undid his, as well.

  We both kicked them out of the way, and then he kissed down my neck and up to my jaw. He bit slightly, and I moaned. Then his lips were on mine again, nibbling, licking, sucking.

  My hands tugged at the bottom of his shirt, pulling it out of his pants, and then I slid my hands up his warm back, scraping my nails down his skin.

  He let out a groan, and I moaned again.

  I could hardly think, I could barely breathe, but he was so sweet, so tender, so Brendon.

  This was just like him.

  Everything he did was in an effort to care for others, to think about them.

  He worshipped me like I was the only thing in his universe.

  And that was how I knew this was perfect.

  It was how I knew it always had to be Brendon.

  “It’s you,” I whispered. “It’s always been you.”

  “Same here. It’s always been you, Harmony.”

  And then he kissed me again, and my hands moved to his front to undo his shirt’s buttons.

  He pulled back when I had trouble with one of the top ones, but then he was shirtless, wearing only his pants and shoes and belt. I stood there, my eyes raking down the length of him.

  He was so toned, so muscled.

  He wore suits well, as if he had been born in them. Though I knew that was the exact opposite. I knew all about his past, all about what had been done to him. I could even see some of the scars from that, but then I saw the strength in him, how much he put into his body and his soul.

  That was who he was with me.

  And that’s exactly why this was what I needed.

  Why he was the exact perfect person for me.

  I leaned forward, kissed his chest, licked gently, and then bit down. His hands roamed all over my body, and I did the same to him. And when he pulled off my shirt, I let my head fall back, and he worshipped me.

  He cupped my breasts, molding them in my lace bra, and then he undid the clasp in the front and slowly pulled the straps from my shoulders.

  My breasts felt heavy, my nipples hard, aching.

  He lowered his head and sucked one into his mouth, gently, oh so gently.

  Everything about Brendon was gentle.

  He was so huge, so much larger than me. His hands were big, everything about him was big. But he was gentle.

  And when he finished with one breast, he moved on to the other, slowly worshipping me like I was a goddess.

  I’d never thought I would be able to feel like this again, feel it all, but Brendon pushed all thoughts from my mind, so I was just there. With him.

  In the moment.

  And when my knees went weak, he picked me up again and laid me in the middle of the bed.

  He slowly took off my shoes and then undid my pants. I wiggled free of them, and then he took my panties down with them.

  Suddenly I was bare before him, him in only his boxer briefs, and me naked, wanting.

  I hadn’t even known he had taken off his pants, and I was sad to have missed it.

  Maybe he would let me see it again. Maybe I’d be able to strip them from him myself.

  I wanted that.

  I wanted more than tonight. I wouldn’t have risked everything for just one night.

  And I knew Brendon was the same.

  He hovered over me then, kissing me softly, and I moaned.

  Everything was sweet, innocent. It was as if it was our first time, our first everything.

  He slowly kissed down my shoulders, gently touching me, wanting me.

  I pressed my thighs together, needing sensation. I was on the edge of…something, but he just kept touching me, making me feel as if I were the only person in the world.

  The only person in his world.

  And when he kissed between the valley of my breasts, I arched for him, wanting more.

  My hand slid into his hair, tugging slightly, and he just groaned, licking and biting down my stomach.

  And then his head was between my legs, kissing me, sucking, licking.

  I had one leg over his shoulder, the other pinned down as he slowly brought me to ecstasy.

  I came, my back arched, his name a breath on my lips.

  Just a whisper because I had nothing left to say. All I knew was that this man was perfect for this moment.

  He was perfect for me.

  I was blessed. And I was happy.

  And then he was over me, kissing me again.

  I didn’t know where he had gotten a condom, but I was lucky that he had thought of it.

  Because I couldn’t think of anything but wanting him inside me.

  He sheathed himself, and then he hovered over me, his weight on his hands, his eyes full of concern even as I knew he was shaking with need.

  I was shaking, too.

  “I can stop anytime you want me to, Harmony. Will you let me inside?”

  “It’s you,” I repeated. “It’s always been you.”

  And so I nodded and let my legs fall to the sides.

  And then he was in me, inch by agonizingly slow inch, and his gaze never left mine.

  He leaned over me, his weight now on his forearms as our fingers tangled together.

  We held hands as he slid in to the hilt.

  As our breaths caught, and our eyes remained connected, he moved.

  Simple thrusts, soft and achingly slow. And I moved with him.

  I could hardly breathe, could barely blink.

  I could just watch him and know that this was exactly the perfect moment, the one I needed. The perfect moment we needed.

  This was making love. It was the next phase of that new normal.

  This was just me and Brendon.

  He was so soft, so sweet. And yet hard. And I knew there was an edge to him that he held back. That was something I wanted to see.

  But not now.

  Now, this was exactly what we both needed.

  When he let go of one of my hands to slide it between us, I came, needing him, wanting him.

  He came then as well, his lips on mine but our eyes still open.

  This was Brendon.

  My Brendon.

  This is what I had truly needed but didn’t know.

  He was my first.

  He was my everything.

  And as he held me, the tears fell, but I wasn’t sad.

  I was happy.

  This was that pure bliss, that ultimate happiness that I hadn’t known I could feel again.

  He held me, and I cried.

  And I was happy.

  So happy.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Brendon

  She had cried.

  Harmony had cried after we made love.

  And though she smiled, even though I saw happiness in those tears, I felt like something was breaking inside of me. Scratching to come out as I held it down, wanting to find that breath even though I couldn’t.

  Harmony had cried, and it was all my fault.

  I shouldn’t have done this. We had moved too quickly, and I was already screwing everything up.

  We should have gone on more dates than just our first before I went to bed with her. Hell, maybe I should have just remained her friend before I stirred everything up.

  But there was no going back.

  Harmony and I had had sex, the best sex of my life—soft, sweet, and so fucking perfect.

  And then she had cried.

  I hadn’t left right after that. No, I stayed.

  I’d held her through the night, and though her tears had quickly dried, I didn’t leave.

  We didn�
��t make love again. Instead, we stayed up until the sun had almost begun to rise and just talked.

  We talked about nothing and everything, and it felt like we were back to normal. Except for the whole fact that we were both still naked, still covered in each other’s scents, and touching each other—slow caresses as if neither of us realized we were doing it.

  But we were still touching each other. Still acting as if she hadn’t cried.

  Women cried after sex. Men cried after sex.

  Their first time together?

  I just didn’t know what to think. I felt like I was making mistake after mistake. Yes, this was my fucking dream come true. I loved this woman.

  But I didn’t like seeing her in pain.

  So, I didn’t know what to do next. Oh my God, I didn’t want to let Harmony go. Because if I did, the dream would end, the bubble would burst, and I’d have to face the morning.

  I somehow fell asleep with her in my arms, softly curled into me as we slept for a few hours.

  And when her alarm went off the next morning, we both groaned.

  “Why does morning have to come so early?” she asked, laughing. I opened one eyelid, and she covered her face. “Don’t look at me. And don’t smell my breath. I need a shower and to brush my teeth. And coffee. Oh, and to look human before you look at me. I mean, the morning after is supposed to be pretty. I’m not supposed to look like this. You’re not supposed to see me like this.”

  And even though my emotions and thoughts were in a whirlwind, I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh, shut up.” And then I kissed her hard, hovering over her as I covered her body with mine. “You look amazing. Beautiful. Perfect.” I kissed her nose.

  She rolled her eyes and pushed at my chest. “Oh, shut up. I have bed-head, sex hair, and who knows what my breath smells like. We didn’t actually brush our teeth before we went to sleep. So now I have like sex, pineapple, meat breath.” Her whole body blushed as she closed her eyes and giggled. “Well, not exactly your meat breath since we didn’t get to that point.”

  I burst out laughing, my whole body shaking. “Oh, God, I’m never going to be able to think about blowjobs the same way again. Meat breath?”